tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85759897578435850292024-02-21T03:38:33.515-08:00Best. Resume. Ever.One recruiter's attempt at keeping her sanity.
One post at a time.Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.comBlogger146125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-31518156356998017372013-11-14T17:14:00.001-08:002014-01-15T10:42:16.667-08:00Tap tap tap! IS THIS THING ON??
Hi there!
I've been gone awhile.
Like 6-ish months, according to my elementary-school level counting skills.
Gone for good reason though, and without going into any gory details nobody deserves to be subjected to, I'll just say one word: DIVORCE.
For those of you that have been through the lovely fucking process of divorce, I'm betting you'd all agree with me that getting a divorce is like Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-2566759281975166912013-04-29T06:34:00.003-07:002013-04-29T06:34:54.706-07:00Wanna get noticed? Say this crap.
Wondering what you should say to recruiters, HR peeps, hiring managers and the like while job hunting?
How about any of these handy dandy examples?
They'll get you noticed for sho':
"I am very analytic to help notice my strong weak points."
"I am talented in design angles of communications."
"I thrive on greatness."
"I would like to be interested in your offer but wasn't I toldStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-44691424478645910942013-04-14T13:46:00.001-07:002013-04-14T13:47:20.978-07:00!!*!????*!
Alright, let's just dive in, shall we?
The past few weeks' idiot submissions were stellar I tell you... stellar!
From James:
"Hey Stephanie, sorry it took me so long to get back to you I've had some car trouble this past week."
And that infringes on one's ability to check email how exactly?
From Jerry, who sent this message along with his equally, "legally" confusing resume:
"Per a writtenStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-6668220788129815432013-03-21T11:23:00.001-07:002013-03-21T14:34:20.851-07:00It's Time for Some Show and Tell
Remember when you were in elementary school, and your teacher had designated a special day of the week for show and tell?
Come on now, if you're as old as me, it will be a stretch to go back that far (the cobwebs muddling up my brain are a bitch most days...) but seriously, it was one of the most exciting days to go to school.
(That and seeing the film cart roll into the class- yes, Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-85535753550225849692013-02-22T20:56:00.001-08:002013-02-22T20:56:55.841-08:00Who's Crazier? Seriously.
Warning: this posting has nothing to do with resumes. NOTHING.
Will you enjoy it anyway?
You bet your sweet bippy you will!
So! On with the show.
I live in a moderately sized town in Southern California
called Simi Valley.
Nestled approximately 1/2 way between Santa Barbara and Los Angeles, (well not really, but that's for you out of towners that usually have no clue Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-74479344741051923722013-02-07T16:10:00.000-08:002013-02-07T16:10:01.511-08:00Oh boy oh boy oh boy
Well I know I've disappeared for awhile here ... and I wasn't going to say anything about it or point it out ... was just going to carry on as if I hadn't skipped a beat or been missing at all, but a lot of you have noticed and have been concerned enough to contact me through the 16 (yes I counted) creative ways to get a hold of me to ask me "WTF?!? Where did you go? I NEED TO LAUGH" etc.
So Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-41233586975086772522013-01-08T06:55:00.000-08:002013-01-08T06:55:12.475-08:00Is the advice I give appreciated? Hardly.
I know I jokingly answer some of the emails I receive here on my blog, but somebody asked me the other day if I actually ever email some of these job seekers back to let them know how badly they are fucking up their chances of landing a position.
You bet your sweet bippy I do.
Do they appreciate my efforts at making them a better job seeker?
Hardly.
I pulled some actual examples of Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-48022120940931469542013-01-03T12:45:00.000-08:002013-01-03T12:45:01.529-08:00Too funny NOT to share
Okay, this post admittedly has NOTHING to do with resumes, but this guy's sense of humor was BEYOND AWESOME, so I figured if you like me and my warped sense of humor, I'd be doing a disservice to my readers by NOT sharing this Craigslist posting with you.
Slight back story- my husband got himself a really cool bike this Christmas. It's a 1965 Honda S90.
Here's a pic of it:
So while heStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-39406494701577978122012-12-31T14:03:00.001-08:002012-12-31T14:05:05.297-08:00Dear Stephanie- An Advice Column-esque Write Up, Complete With a FUCK YOU to 2012!
Well today is officially the last day of 2012.
And all I have to say to that fact is good fucking riddance.
Oh sure, some of you out there will be all like "Wait! 2012 was like my BEST YEAR EVAH! 2012 was the year I: got married/had a baby/bought my first house/got a new car/reunited with my family" etc etc. Well yippee skippy dippy for you.
I'm happy for you, really I am.
Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-8868803662925595562012-12-22T19:22:00.001-08:002012-12-22T19:23:25.237-08:00My Funny's Broke
I don't tend to get terribly political or bring up current events on this blog.
Do I get lippy?
Yes.
But political or incredibly "debatey"?
No.
The shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School (and let's not forget at the Oregon mall a few days before that) placed me in a funk that I've truthfully tried to override, but have failed... at least behind the lovely lavender walls of the little box I Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-62641941164788334462012-12-10T22:00:00.002-08:002012-12-10T22:02:01.131-08:00The Truth About Resume Gap-o-sis
I had a very alarming discussion with a job seeker a few days ago that I wanted to share with you all here.
For all intensive purposes (and even though I can think of about 17 other foul names I'd love to use to identify her) we'll call this gal Desiree.
Desiree had applied to one of the positions I am currently running on a major job board that has some heavy competition as far as Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-33887262119967648502012-12-03T23:57:00.000-08:002012-12-04T08:48:41.683-08:00A Little Vacation Side Story- Part 2
Now onto the next part of my lovely story… the big
Thanksgiving buffet dinner.
So it’s late on Turkey Day, like at least 8pm or so. We’d
decided to eat at the Palms as we’d previously tried eating at the buffet and
it was pretty darned good. Coming into the hotel, we passed the LONGEST LINE
FROM HELL on our way up to the room. Right then and there we agreed to take
shifts, hubs would wait in Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-27749945030423722732012-12-02T18:33:00.001-08:002012-12-02T18:34:28.330-08:00A Little Vacation Side Story- Part 1
So how was everybody's Thanksgiving break?
(I know it's been a week and most of you have already COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN about it and are on to the next holiday up to bat, but I'm overwhelmed lately and it took me something close to 2 eons to write this so forgive me and indulge me for a smidge of time, k? K.)
Did you all have a "staycation" or did you get to go somewhere, like me?
Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-36717135799082654122012-11-18T15:29:00.001-08:002012-11-18T15:29:55.046-08:00Just call me Girl Interrupted... a typical Sunday afternoon for Steph
Setting: My house, mid-day on a cloudy Sunday.
Me: Trying to work on a resume order in my office, which happens to be in the front of the house and doesn't have a door to close. (Need for door? Noted.)
Me in head: Okay! Going to attack Corrina's resume now. I promised it done by tomorrow morning, I've got to get on this. I'm less than half way done.
Pull open previously saved Word doc... Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-55433553339617845902012-11-07T23:02:00.000-08:002012-11-07T23:02:56.153-08:00It's time for some show and tell!
The last few weeks have been phenomenally interesting to say the very least.
One of my blog reading chickadees emailed me to tell me she can't believe I actually get this kind of crap in my work inbox on a daily basis. This wasn't the first time somebody posed this type of question, and while I find it incredibly flattering that people think I have the kind of wherewith all and *creativity*Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-19225676093077038202012-10-31T07:36:00.000-07:002012-10-31T07:39:24.584-07:00Resumes on Halloween? You bet your sweet bippy!
I've been wracking my brain for about a week now, wanting to come up with something a little different for this charming day as let's face it, who can concentrate on normal life when there's so much damn candy around and people are dressed like lunatics?
So for show and tell today, I would like to share a couple of things with you that I thought were pretty spectacular.
First- Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-21641838184073396602012-10-25T19:41:00.001-07:002012-10-25T19:48:52.290-07:00Email Signatures. A How-(not) To Guide for Resume Making Dummies.
Ahh the email signature situation.
Usually a relatively neutral topic, but not when it comes to job hunting.
I briefly covered this topic back in this post I wrote when I had to bring up the Bouncing Jesus crap, but I feel the need to delve into the topic a little bit further as they've been driving me NUTS lately.
Here is a list of the unfathomable, head-scratching, Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-76931494400541348242012-10-19T09:13:00.001-07:002012-10-19T09:16:22.518-07:00Oh Mr. Whipple, Let's Have a Conversation
This week has been hot baby (hot I tell you!) in regards to stupid job seeker behavior. I added to my folder with glee tonight when I came home and unloaded the last few days' worth of goodies to share with all my peeps.
But there was a certain conversation I had with a candidate on the phone today that stuck with me and sent me thinking about things rather "indepthly".
(I'm sure that isn't a Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-18351783174535165012012-10-14T21:58:00.001-07:002012-10-14T21:59:52.092-07:00It's Crazy Resume O'Clock!
It would seem as if most of my posts as of late have started out with "Sorry I've been gone so long..." etc.
Alas, it is true once again, I've been gone a bit, and for that I hang my head in shame and humbly apologize to all my faithful readers.
People have been actually emailing me and saying "WTH? Where did you go? Are you alive? I am worried." and so on.
One reader even Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-79368225315813141162012-09-19T08:47:00.000-07:002012-09-19T08:47:38.415-07:00My Tale of WOE
First off, I'd like to say a special *thank you* to those of you that commented on the whole Vacuum Gate situation that doth goith on in my house.
A lot of you emailed me privately as well to wax eloquent, not only about vacuums, but about being married to an engineer, and I thought that was awesome.
It made me realize that I need to start a support group for Wives of Engineers. We could call Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-63688876512954997692012-09-07T10:53:00.000-07:002012-09-07T10:53:06.661-07:00Vacuums Suck & So Do Resumes
Oh ma gerd! I'ze been gone too looooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg!!
Sorry sorry!
I've been busy, SO busy!
Between all my awesome new resume clients that kept me hoppin' (need your resume done? Then go here for my help! Cuz I'm finally caught up! Heh.) and all the construction goin' down at El Casa De Purple (aka The Purple Palace- because yes, our newly acquired house is purple, Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-308801716762382802012-08-22T20:41:00.000-07:002012-08-22T20:42:09.865-07:00Objectives: How They'll Kill Your Chances in 2.5 Seconds Flat
I know, I know.
I've talked about Objectives before. Like here as just one example, just in case you missed out.
Apparently it bears repeating as I can't seem to shake Bad Objectives. They're like a bad camel toe on a tacky redneck ho at the local watering hole. They're freaking EVERYWHERE. Probably on 90% of the resumes I view on a daily basis. And it's a shame, it's a crying Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-36059381301832917082012-08-20T20:38:00.001-07:002012-08-20T20:40:45.232-07:00A Taleo Tirade
Ahhh ... the lovely topic of Taleo.
Unfamiliar with what the heck Taleo is?
Then:
a) you've not been unemployed or a job seeker in this recent global economy debacle
or
b) you've only applied to companies that are "old school" or "better" than the POS ones that use the stupid system.
In all fairness, let me back up and take a moment to enlighten some of you: Taleo is a software Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-89460741232996713102012-08-10T09:41:00.001-07:002012-08-10T09:41:11.951-07:00It's Friday! Friday!
Do you have that stupid song stuck in your head now? No?
Well here, let me fix that for you...
One of the worst songs EVER
Pretty bad huh?
No, you know what's possibly worse?
THIS ONE
Good.
Now we're all suffering together.
You're welcome.
I don't have much to say today... well that's a lie. Total and complete outlandish lie. I actually have a LOT to say today, but no time to say it. I'm so Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8575989757843585029.post-84369996333667989342012-07-31T15:30:00.003-07:002012-07-31T15:44:01.444-07:00Yesterday was special
Yup.
You read that right.
Yesterday was special.
How so you ask?
Well basically because it was a Monumental Monday.
As in, one of the Crappiest. Mondays. Ever.
After a grueling weekend of prepping concrete floors to be ready for hardwood flooring to go down and painting half the inside of our new house, I set myself up in my makeshift office/construction zone to hunker down and work on my Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10620572459122648293noreply@blogger.com5