Oh I don't wanna... please don't make me read your resume!!

Happy Monday my peeps!

I'm sorry for my brief disappearance.
I can basically sum up my very long week I was MIA by telling you that I was in the hospital having some body parts removed, and some emergency transfusions before and after said body parts were removed, and we'll leave it at that. I've got a good hospital story to share, but I'll save that for later in the week!

On a side note, I appreciate all of you that privately emailed me to point out that I was neglecting my duties to amuse and distract you from your normal life. That means more to me than you'll ever know.

In the meantime, I'll be recuperating in bed for a bit, so I'm back to entertain you now aren't I?

Let's get started!

The following are real life excerpts that I got in my real life inbox at work last week, before I was cut into.
These were messages that accompanied resumes that I, quite frankly, had NO interest in reading once I read these fabulous messages.

"hello. thank you for reading my rseme. please shecdule my interview. please let me know. what time you've scheduled it for. and tell me whats are the hourly or salary paid."

Uh, no thanks, I think I'll pass.

"I am expert level in Micro soft word."

I'm sorry, but if you're putting "Micro soft word" on your resume, you're probably not the expert you claim to be. 

"I'm in-tress in sales."

WTF?

"What is your cell phone number?"

Why would you ask such a thing? There are 7 other office phone numbers available. Did you think I was going to go hook up with you at a bar later or something? Give me a break.

"i would love to pursue a career opportunity as an advisor. by the way i currently dont have a phone the number on my resume is a family members that i see offten so i can be reached from my email day and night i look forward to going to my intervew!!"

OMG. Just OMG.

"My career plan overall is to help people out and be know for that as-wel. As life has passed me by, i have seen people become successful & some go in the opposite direction. With the movitivation that is in me, I want to be konwn as some one who has made change & has earned his position in being successful."

m-o-v-i-t-i-v-a-t-i-o-n ?

k-o-n-w-n?

as-wel?

And really, what the heck does any of that even mean?

"I am very interested in the job position here is my resent resume."

Resent? Like you've sent it to me before? Or you just had amnesia for the moment on how to spell recent?

"In this economic recession. lots of people get laid off very often."

Huh. Ya don't say.

That one didn't even have a resume attached. So I guess it's just some dimwit's version of a profound societal observation.

I don't get people. I really don't.
Not even in my hopped-up-on-narcotics state do I understand any of this. I was hoping the drugs might help me, but no...I can't seem to dumb myself down enough.
So I guess I'll just keep poppin' my pills and licking my wounds.
In the meantime, cheers to loopiness!
And just so I cover myself with all the necessary safety disclaimers, ONLY when loopiness is called for, like after major surgery, NOT while job searching PEOPLE!

Peace out my peeps!