Toast and people. Those are my skills.

Ahh the young.
The inexperienced.
The naive job seekers.

I luff them.

I really do.

"Tara" sent her resume straight into my inbox yesterday morning.
She didn't say where she worked, just that she had experience with toast.

And people.

I kid you not, toast and people.

That's it.

So this sent me into a spiral of important questions like- what kind of toast?
Wheat?
Sourdough?
Rye?

Does she like to butter the toast as well?

Hmmmm.
These are pretty deep thoughts.

Oooo! I know! Perhaps she meant she works well putting people ON toast.

Like this:

Or, for all the political toast lovers out there, this:

History buff? Check this out! (Abe would be SO proud...)

OR... what if she meant THIS???

What if she sells TOAST MATTRESSES???

Mind. Blown.

P.S. Somebody needs to take the internet away from me. I just spent the last half hour of my life researching toast. Seriously people.

Ever been yelled at through a deaf translator? No? You're missing out.

Okay, so before I get to my fabulous me-getting-yelled-at-by-a-deaf-translator story, I want to address the H8ters B H8ten post I wrote and put out on the world wide internetz last week.
(It's here if you missed it.)

Apparently that posting inspired a lot more people to come out of the wood work and write to me.
I should clarify that when I say "a lot more people" I mean a lot more positive people wrote to me than the previous haters.

These emails and messages were endearing, uplifting and downright inspirational.
So in comparison, turns out the haters were few, and repetitive, and nothing even slightly exemplifying the word "droves" that I used to describe them compared to the lovers and supporters.

Perhaps I'm not as big an asshole as some people like to make me out to be after all.

So THANK YOU to each and every one of my readers that came out from your silent "lurker" observation posts and wrote to me. You know who you are. I big puffy heart luff you, and here's some puffy heart stickers to prove my luff for you:

Now!

Let's get to the great story at hand, shall we?

My fearless co-worker Tammy received a phone call last week on our main office line that turned out to be for little ol' me, seeing as how I'm the recruiter in the place and all. 

Before she transferred the call to me, she told me it was some translator person for a deaf lady calling. 

Okay, this was honestly new for me in the work setting, but I'm game, send her (them) on over!

I get on the line, translator introduces herself, explains what's going to happen. 

I say okay, let's do this!

I was slightly excited and obviously, soon to be schooled. 

(Note to self: don't get excited over anything. Like ever again.)

Translator: "So my client's name is Lacey, and she's calling because she saw one of your job postings on a big job board. She wants to know more about it."

Me: (With brain suddenly confused, not knowing who to talk to, the translator or Lacey directly?) "Hi Lacey! Thanks for calling. Can you ask her which job posting she saw? As I have a few up right now. That would help me."

Translator: Whispering to herself while signing back and forth with Lacey...

Me: Eavesdropping like the shy teenager I was in class in junior high, trying to figure out what the popular people are whispering to each other...

Translator: "She says she wants to be an agent."

Me: In my brain: Of course, she's picking the hardest one for me to have a discussion with her about. Great. It's okay, it might take a while, but I can power through this. 

Me: Out loud: "Okay, can you tell me what kind of background she has?" My brain further confused, I switch tracks in an attempt to be less insulting, I say "Lacey, if you don't mind, can you tell me what kind of a job history and background you have?"

Me: In my brain: Note to self: stop switching back and forth. Pick a person to talk to and stick with it. Stop acting like it's amateur hour here...

Translator: Whispering some more, hands furiously flying (I'm assuming)...

Me: Adjusting my yellow lined pad of paper and pen, ready to take notes. 

Me: Adjusting my Pandora station selection as I've had enough of Kid Rock and need to switch things up a bit...

Translator: "She says she's still in college. She's done some ASL work. But that's really it. Nothing else."

Me: Pen poised for major note taking, I write nothing.

Me: In my brain: Great. She wants to run her own business and she's never had a job. Pffft. I hate this.

Me: Out loud: "Okay, well Lacey, what I'll do here is give you a brief overview of what's entailed with being an agent for my company and then you can tell me if it interests you or not. Would that be okay?"

Translator: "Sure, she says that's fine.

SEVEN VERY LONG MINUTES LATER... Translator Gal and I have gotten through the very painful explanation. I think Lacey understands but I'm waiting for an answer to my "Now, having thrown all of that information at you, does that interest you at all?" question.

Me: In my brain: I guess I'll play with Pandora station changing some more. It's either that or straighten up my paper clip supply. Who to choose? Dave Matthews Band? BNL? Christina Perri? Enya? Ministry? Great Big Sea? Weezer? Willie Nelson? Adele? I'm kinda tired of Rolling in Anything right now... oooh! I know, my Pirates of the Caribbean channel. (Yes, I'm weird people, I know you're stunned.)

I settle on music-relating-to-all-things-Depp and wait some more.

LOTS of whispering still going on between Lacey and Translator Gal.

Translator: "She said no, she doesn't like that option."

Me: "Okay then ... what does she want to do?" 

Me: In my brain: That came out really calmly. Because I wanted to go all caps lock on her ass and say it like "OKAY THEN, WHAT THE EFF DOES SHE WANT TO DO???!?! FOR CRIMINEY CRAPS SAKE?? QUIT WASTING MY TIME HERE..." 

Me: In my brain: I really hang my shit together well sometimes. I could really blow it, frequently. And totally get fired.

Me: In my brain: There sure is a lot of time for self talk when you're waiting for translator people. 

Translator: "She wants to work doing data entry."

Me: "Okay, Lacey, then what I can do is refer you to any of my agents that call in looking for some help in that capacity. They would contact you directly, would that be okay with you?"

Translator, rather quickly: "Yes, that will be fine." (Lacey must have nodded. That makes translating much easier, doesn't it?)

Me: In my brain: Thank GAWD this is going to be over now, I can get back to work.

Me: Out loud: "Alright then, thanks for calling Lacey, have a great day."

About to hang up, Translator girl interrupts: "Wait. She wants to know when she's going to get a call."

Me: In my brain: SIGH.

Me: Out loud: "I don't know, it's very hit and miss. Could be next week, could be in a month. I never know how things are going in their offices and so it's very random when they call me."

(This is true by the way. I have NO control over what is going on in the 45 agents' offices that are within our particular District.) 

Translator: "Oh, alright. I'll be expecting a call then."

Me: In my brain: Yes, LACEY, be pushy and say that you'll expect a call...sheesh. Let me hang up already. You can't beat anything else out of me. Be professional and move on. I've offered to try and get you placed with someone.

Me: Out loud: "Yes, but like I said, I have no control or knowledge over when it will be. Thanks for calling Lacey."

Translator: "Thank you. Goodbye."

And we mutually hang up.

Phew.

I pat myself on the back, yell out at Tammy "I get 5 gold stars for doing that!", she laughs, I turn up my Depp music, envision him running down the beach with his knees up and his arms flailing about, smile, and move on with my day.

Enter scene: It's the next day.

Tammy's gone as she took the day off, boss man is out at an agent's office, I'm it. There's no one else in the office.

Phone rings, I see the same 1-800-Service # flash across my phone display that was lit up forever yesterday during my conversation with them both. This is another call from Lacey. 

Seriously? Should I hit the "Ignore" button?

Nah.

I'll be a stand up recruiter and talk to her again. 

(Famous. Last. Words. Err, Thoughts.)

Me: "________________ Insurance. This is Stephanie. How can I help you?"

2nd Translator Gal: "Hi. I'm a translator and I'm calling on behalf of a hearing impaired client. Are you okay with this?"

Me: In my brain: Am I okay with this? NO, I'm not OKAY with this, I haven't gotten any calls from anybody needing help yet and I pretty much just want it to all go away... and this translator sounds, ummm, how shall I say? Rougher. As a matter of fact, eerily similar to Marge Simpson's sister Selma Bovier, the chain smoker that works at the DMV. 

Not a regular Simpsons watcher? Congratulations, YOU get 5 gold stars. In the meantime, everyone should click on this link to hear just about exactly what I was hearing over the phone line.

Then add about 40 years to Selma's character, and you've got my 2nd Translator Gal.

Get the picture?

Good, moving on ...

Me: Out loud: "Is this Lacey?"

2nd Translator Gal: "Oh yes! You remembered my name! Cough * hack * wheeze!"

Me: "Yes, Lacey. What can I do for you?"

2nd Translator Gal: "I want to know why I haven't gotten a call yet about a job. I want to know why you haven't placed me yet."

Me: In my brain: OHMYEFFINGWORD. Is she shitting me right now? I am NOT a placement agency, I'm a recruiter. Who very STUPIDLY offered to try and set her up to work with one of our agents. This'll be fun. 

Me: In my brain: Amendment: THIS'LL BE BLOG MATERIAL!!

Me: Out loud: "Well Lacey, as I said yesterday, I would pass you on should I get anybody with requests for data entry workers. I haven't gotten any requests yet."

2nd Translator Gal: "Ehhh, ummm, she's asking why not?"

Me: Out loud: "She's asking why I haven't gotten any requests yet? Did I get that right?"

Me: In my brain: This might just turn out to be GOOD blog material.

2nd Translator Gal, voice raising: "Yeah! She wants to know why you haven't placed her yet! She says that she thinks you're being discriminatory to the deaf community. That's what she thinks is going on!" (Voice getting louder) "And she said she really thinks your company should be more sensitive to the deaf culture. That you're not handling things right!"

Me: Stunned.

Me, finally coming to my senses: "Excuse me? I'm not handling things right? What part of my whole interaction with you Lacey haven't I handled right?"

Me: Fuming.

2nd Translator Gal: Choking, wheezing, occasionally signing. Interrupted the process to hack up a lung.

Me: Still fuming. She's got some nerve. She has NO idea who she's talking to. She doesn't know my background with the deaf community. She just assumes I don't have one because I can hear. I could really unleash my fury on her right now. I have PLENTY to say to this ungrateful, Generation Y, I'm-entitled-even-more-so-than-my-peers-because-I'm-hearing-impaired chick. SHIT, I HAVE TO HANG IT TOGETHER. 

MUST. NOT. LASH. BACK.

2nd Translator Gal: "She's pretty pissed at you right now. I'm not even going to repeat to you the things she's signing to you. For all intensive purposes, she's doing a lot of yelling at you right now."

Me: Out loud: "Oh really. Huh. How interesting."

2nd Translator Gal: "Yeah, she doesn't understand why no one will hire her. She thinks you're all a bunch of jackasses."

Me: In my brain: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG hang it together.

Me: Out loud: "Lacey, I was going to pass you along to anyone that called in looking for help with data entry, PER YOUR REQUEST. The fact that you've been so unprofessional with me here today leads me to have no choice but to have to take your name off my referral list and cut ties with you here. I am NOT a staffing agency, I am merely a recruiter that was trying to help you out. I am not surprised you're having such a hard time getting placed if you are treating potential employers this way. Good luck with your job search Lacey."

And I hung up.

So here's how Lacey blew it with me, personally. 

Aside from the obvious impatience, yelling at potential employers through translators etc... here's what Lacey doesn't know about who she was yelling at.

When I was President of my sorority at CSUN back in the day, I and a handful of my fellow sisters spear headed a movement to get some great hearing impaired gals initiated into our sorority. We were the first "regular" sorority on campus to forge ahead and do this. We had to work extensively with our National Headquarters to get permission for this to take place, and let me just say, this wasn't easy. Not at all. 

For those of you only familiar with the "fraternal world" through bad slasher movies with naked chicks, the "ritual" portion is real. No, we didn't haze our new pledges, or slaughter cats under the moon light. But there is very specific knowledge that our founders created that has been passed down from generation to generation on campuses nation wide. Getting our National Headquarters to agree to have a stranger (ergo, someone NOT initiated, totally unfamiliar with our ritual) come in to do signing and explanations during our private meetings and ceremonies was next to impossible, and just about made me and my trusty sidekick VP Allison have a nervous breakdown. 

But we did it. 

We pulled it off. 

And it was so worth it.

I'm proud of us/myself for that - I think it's one of those "noted accomplishments" one would put on their personal list.

So couple that with the fact that my husband and I had to communicate with our sweet daughter through ASL for 1.5 years due to a severe brain inadequacy rendering her unable to speak, and you've got a woman that could be considered *slightly* knowledgeable with the deaf culture.

So HOW DARE LACEY accuse me of not trying to help her and of being insensitive and discriminatory to the deaf community. She's got a LOT of nerve.

And this, my little blog reading chickadees is yet one more lesson on how to *always remain professional* when job searching. Because guess what? You never truly know who you're talking to now do you?

Peace out my peeps.

Thank you, but no thank you

Ahhhh the contradictory.
SO fun to deal with confused, contradictory folk.
I love wasting my time trying to decipher what it was they actually MEANT to email me, vs. what I'm reading.

It's one of my top ten most favorite things to do.

Not.

Today will be yet another compilation of the baffling and baffled alike.

Let's dive in, shall we?

"My sales skills stand by far in a place like very few to owning my on credit card. The other main attribute I poses has been to handle visitors in accordance with policy and production documents."

WTF does any of that mean?

Ooo, wait, here's another from an equally confusing dude, that talks about tolerating things. And like, a LOT:

"I have honest and tolerable patience. I have high tolerance in receiving positive feedback. I have high tolerance in patience with dealing with company."

Is he talking about his in-laws coming over or his job? And if he only has high tolerance in receiving positive feedback, I hate to think what would happen if he received negative feedback.

Or how about this one:

"I'm a young professional worker looking to work in a place that keeps their things in order."

Say wha? Like alphabetized? Lined up symmetrically or color coded? Do you have OCD young lady?

Here's a stubborn young man:

"I don't like to do things halfway. I always complete things or not do anything at all."

Really?
So like you'd go pout in a corner the second you realized your boss gave you a project you couldn't complete by the end of that day?

"I need a job that will help me expend my abilities to the process success of the organization."

Huh?

"I want to immerse myself within the permieteral breach of a career that will foster excessive growth of my freedom."

Again, huh?

All of this is just absolutely Fudiculous.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need a drink. 

H8ters B H8ten

There's a saying out there in the Universe- something like "You're not really somebody until people start hating you ..." or some wording to that extent.

I guess I've arrived as the hate mail is coming in by the droves.

I hadn't really realized I'd "arrived" anywhere until it started piling up, but then I started analyzing things a bit.

Perhaps being on the 1st page of 3 major search engines and supported and encouraged by 5 best selling authors COULD mean that this blog might be going places and getting some attention. 

Might.

Last night someone sent me a hate message that sent me over the edge and I decided that for once, instead of just ignoring the haters as I usually do, I would fight back.

Disclaimer: to all my regular, faithful blog reading chickadees, you might want to skip this posting as I'm about to go apoplectic. 

Or stick around for the show. Your choice.

Either way, you've been warned.

First of all, let me just say that I've noticed a trend with my haters.

They tend to be Baby Boomers or Millennials. (Millennials = Generation Y and below)

This doesn't shock me, because guess what? These two groups are the ones having the hardest times finding jobs right now. And just ask any restaurant owner or manager, angry people tend to flock to the internet to make comments and send "you should burn in hell" hate comments and email. If only my haters would take the pent up anger and hostility they're spewing towards me and actually put it towards any kind of an effort involving NOT being a jackass in their job searching, they'd probably get hired and be nicer people.

But no, they spend their energy on me. I guess that's kind of flattering now that I think about it. 

Here's a news flash for those of you reading my blog that don't like it:

IT'S MY BLOG. I CAN WRITE WHAT I WANT. I'M NOT BEING PAID BY SOME COMPANY TO WRITE IT. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN STOP READING IT YOU FUCKING MORONS.

I have to point out, I am truly amazed at how many separate entries have been cited when speaking about how much they hate it in the emails I receive. Really? I've written 105 posts, so judging from all the different pieces you've cited, you spent a LOT of time reading to come up with all your different bones to pick. Do you know how stupid that makes you sound, you pedantic ASS?

And for the ones that like to point out that I like to end sentences with fragments, prepositions and question marks? You can go fuck yourself. 

I write like I speak. I am aware of misplaced modifiers, the correct usage of ellipses, and how to use "whom" and "who" vs. "that" and "than". 

I could unleash enough information about the difference between "en" and "em" dashes to make you all go whimper in a corner. But I don't, I choose not to as that's not why I blog. I am not Grammar Girl; I'm an overworked, frustrated, frequently assaulted recruiter. This blog is my therapy. It's also a form of therapy for a lot of other recruiters and HR reps as they've KINDLY emailed me and told me so. So telling me I have a "smug, elevated attitude" is laughable as really, I'd like to see YOU do better in my shoes. Really, I would.
I double fucking dog dare you.

And to the woman that said my blog was responsible for the entire country's deterioration in the past 20 years because they are reading my "expert advice"? This blog has been up for 8 months. 

EIGHT MONTHS. Go back to your corner muttering to yourself about how YOU'RE superior to all the hiring managers and company higher ups (which I can tell you right now is why you don't have a job) and DO THE MATH. Fucking idiot.

I think my favorite are my younger ones that think they DESERVE to have everything handed to them. I can spot "Generation Y Don't You Do It For Me*" a mile away. How you ask? They email me like they're texting their BFF some hate mail.

Take this chick that messaged me last night:

"im sorry but you are brutal, mean and u really are self centred... if i sat at your desk yes i would be stressed out but i wouldn't go to the computer and write- i know u have a tough time but you need to take a cooler...sorry 4 being judgey and don't take this personal"

Sorry 4 being judgey and don't take this personal? And you'd be better than me if you had my job and you wouldn't go to the computer and write? Dear GAWD I hope not because you obviously don't know how. Also? I feel I need to point out the fact that you're messaging me what your messaging me is doing the exact thing you said you'd never do. I expect this would be lost on you, which is why you're still at home being cheered on by mom and dad who secretly hope some clueless company will finally hire your sorry ass so they can stop paying all your elaborate, "I'm entitled" bills.

TO ALL THE H8TERS, my message is simple- just STOP READING MY BLOG. DUH.

KTHNXBAI.

*  I give credit where credit is due: title borrowed from Jeneration X by Jen Lancaster.

i totally refuse to capitalize anything. u cant make me.

For some reason the maniacally obsessed texters of the world seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to not capitalize in messages to hiring companies.

Why?
Why would anybody think they can get away with this?

It assaults my senses on a daily basis, it happens to me ALL freakin' day long.

I don't care if you text me like that.
I do care if you contact a potential employer like that.

Here are some examples I've saved over the past 2 weeks to prove my point:

"thank u in advance 4 taking the time 2 look over my cover page and resume. i hope to hear from u soon so that i can have the opportunity to show u that i can be a great addition to you team."

(But I'll refuse to capitalize anything if you are so stupid as to hire me ...)

"although i have no experience in the sales of what your business is i feel that Based on my skills + traits i am confident that i would be a great addition to ur team."

(Uh no, no you wouldn't ...)

"im interested but B4 we go any ferther, i need a salary that starts at least at 50 k and goes up 2 500k."

I'm sorry to have to break it to all you ASSHATS, but your annual salary will be directly proportionate to your ability to capitalize.

Me, myself and I... we haz a resume

Every now and then I get some overindulgent, confused, hopped-up-on-the-use-of-adjectives job seeker.

Okay, more than every now and then.

More like every 5 resumes.

They usually crack me up, but if I catch myself reading them out loud over and over again, I know they're *special* and need to be made into blog material.

Yesterday was an exceptional day for this kind of activity.

"Michael" rose to the surface, so ding ding ding! He's the lucky winner of today's blog posting.

I don't remember what Michael did career wise. I don't even care really, as all I was interested in was his schizophrenic description of himself and his personality while at work.
And at home.
And in the gym.

For reals.

Think I'm joking?

Heh.

If only.

Read on.

"Thank you for taking some of your time to indulge yourself in my resume. To briefly describe myself, I am a diligent, capricious worker who constantly strives to better me, myself and I. I am not shy, nor ill-tempered, but friendly and outgoing at work. At home I am aggressive and self-driven, yet gentle as a summer's breeze on a summer's eve. When competing in the gym, I'm a desultory hard worker and a quick learner. I believe you can call me a people person. My current position has awarded me many friends. They have all called me "memorable". I am how shall I say... an EXPERT. In the competitive field of which I myself is in, I have the ability to adapt to new environments and grasp the different structures going on all around me. My BENIGN personality facilitates calm and productive coworkers while maintaining a professional aura that is fright worthy for the customers. I love to be a useful asset, especially at home. And the gym. I believe I am sufficiently qualified to be part of your environment."

I seriously don't know what to pick on first. I'm totally drunk with snark to the point where I'm actually GIGGLING as I type this.

Capricious? Desultory?
For those of you out there that don't use these words in your every day vocabulary, let me fill you in: he's basically saying he's unpredictable, random, erratic, haphazard, fickle etc. He's a loaded gun, ready to go off  at any moment. (And let's not forget memorable...) Perhaps what I find the most fascinating is that depending on the locale (which quite frankly, more job seekers should talk about how they behave in the gym, that's really most helpful to recruiters and hiring managers) his personality is either BENIGN (in all caps no less) or a summer's breeze on a summer's eve.

Who says this shit?
Some guy that's been watching too many disposable douche commercials, that's who.

And now, because I am here to edumakate you folk, I introduce to you a Summer's Eve commercial that was yanked because it was too controversial. I can't believe I found it, but I imagine this is what Michael has been obsessively watching. (Apparently there's a whole series of them that got yanked. Nobody has a sense of humor anymore, I swear...)

http://bcove.me/6gibjla1


I could go on, but really, who can top a talking Vagina?

I'll just end this here and say please, Michael, I beg of you, yourself and you... step away from the adjectives.

And forget you ever contacted me. You are not ALLOWED to get anywhere NEAR my environment, you professional-EXPERT-with-a-fright-worthy-aura, you.

Best of luck to you though with your job search!

A bad email address can do wonders for your career

I know I've addressed this topic in some earlier posts last year (an example of which you can find here ) but I ran across a few last week that had me stunned.

It started with omgalishat@

Did you get that?

OMG Ali Shat.

As in oh my god Ali took a dump?

I mean really?

I sat there for a while, scratching my head trying to figure out WHY anyone on earth would do this to themselves. Then I looked closer at her name and realized what had gone down. Her name was Alisha and her last name started with a T.

So she thought she was putting OMG Alisha T.

Not OMG Ali Shat.

Sigh.

Then there were 2 MORE that caught my eye last week as well.
The first one was sweet.nightmares@.
Umm yikes.

The other was a little more intense.
THIS was the email address for a guy that titled his resume as "Animal Professional":

hatchetcarrier142@

Umm even BIGGER yikes.

Peace out my peeps!

This is funny shit

Normally I bitch and moan about how oppressed I feel because of my obligation to sift through the mounds of absolute CRAP that flood my inbox.

Not today!

Today I'm going to talk about a GOOD experience I had with a job seeker, 2 weeks ago.

"Rich" caught my attention by one little line, hidden away on his resume that made me bust out laughing and immediately think "I've GOT to call this guy".

The *magical line* was underneath the business name and explanation that he was a "Third generation operator of family flooring firm."

Here it is; this is what caught my attention:

"Relinquished control when father decided he was going to live forever!"

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
That's just awesome.
Perhaps more so to me because I come from a long line of multi-generational, family businesses.


I decided right then and there, I want us to work with someone like this- someone with a sense of humor but not over the top on the scale o' weirdness.


So I contacted him.
Left a message, then emailed him.

I even went so far as to mention to him in the email that I thought that particular line on his resume was great!

He replied almost immediately ... thanked me for the comment and said "That's a conversation to be had over very strong alcoholic drinks, to be certain!"

Again ...
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!



The moral of the story is: it's okay to have a sense of humor people. While most recruiters might not have noticed this one line, buried down towards the bottom of the page, I'm glad I did. Turns out we weren't the best fit together background-wise, but we had a great banter back and forth.
And that kind of an experience almost makes my job worth all the junk I sludge through.

Almost.

How NOT to handle a recruiter on the phone

Every once in a blue moon I'll write about how job seekers interact with me over the phone. Today is going to be one of those posts as I had a conversation with an "older generational" type a few days back and I just can't seem to shake it off. Perhaps writing about it will help purge it from my brain?
One can only hope.

And BTW, in case you guys haven't figured it out, this is my therapy, and you are my hostages. So put your seat belts on and get ready ... here we go!

My conversation with "Cindy" started out like most of my recruiting calls do. Although I'm literally talking to a complete stranger, I get to the heart of the matter pretty quickly. I want to know what they want to do with themselves. I want to know where they want to go with their careers. Basically, I want to know if I've got a go-getter on my hands or somebody that just wants to work hours THEY dictate, whenever it fits into THEIR life.

Cindy was interested in a position I had available working under one of our more prestigious agents in their office. She had replied to an ad I had placed for full time work. She had a background in insurance (which helps as most people that apply don't) but I could tell from her extensive dates going back to before I was in diapers (ahem) I was going to possibly have some issues on my hands. One of them was bound to be her telling ME what she would and wouldn't do. This happens with Generation Y'ers and people over 55. Unfortunately.

Here's how our convo went down... my commentary will be interjected and sprinkled thruout. (I know you're totally shocked.)

Me: "Hi Cindy, this is Stephanie from _______________. I'm calling because you emailed me a copy of your resume, I guess you were interested in the full-time position I had available with our office in  _____________. "

Cindy: "What? Who are you and what did I do? Oh, yeah, wait. Hang on just a minute, I was just outside gardening and I'm covered in mud. I have to take my gloves off. Hold on."

Drops phone violently, I think onto concrete?

Me: Patiently waiting.

Me: "Hello?"

Crickets.

Me: Thumbing through my pile of people I still have to call and email, getting more impatient by the minute... "Hello Cindy? Are you there?"

Fumbling in the background, evidence something muddy and ridiculously time wasting is going down.

Cindy: "Yes, hello, are you there??!?"

Me: "Hi Cindy, yes I'm here. So you're out gardening today eh? It's kinda rainy outside right now. How's that going?"

(Do I care? No. Do I need to make petty conversation? Yes.)

Cindy: "Yes, I just had to get those weeds off the back hill. They've been driving me nuts. And if I just work on them for like 17 minutes each day, then I can whittle them away a little bit at a time. You know what I mean?"

Me: "Well it is probably better to pace yourself as an entire back hill can take anybody down if done all at once."

Cindy: "And I've got no one here to help me. It's just me and the dog. My husband left me for some dumb blond and ditched me AND all the responsibilities for the house. Damn sonofabitch."

Me: Chuckling. Violently. Inside. TMI anyone? How many seconds did that take to fly out of her mouth? "Well shame on him. So I got your resume, it would appear you are interested in a job with our company?"

Cindy: "Yes, but only during certain hours. At my age I've got to pace myself. I can't go no long 8 hour plus stretches like I used to. Plus I have the weeds to tend to ..."

Me: Well this was a HUGE ass waste of my time. Just as I feared it would be. "The job posting you answered states it's a full time position. So you're telling me you're not interested in working in that capacity?"

Cindy: "No. I really only want like 2 or 3 hours a day. And I want benefits. I need health insurance at my age."

Me: I think I'll play with her a little. After all, THIS COULD BE BLOG MATERIAL. "Oh. Huh. Well I work full time and I don't even have health insurance. So that would be something, now wouldn't it? To be able to only work 2 to 3 hours a day and then get health insurance on top of it?"

Cindy: Completely missing my sarcasm "Well I can also only work from 8-10 or 11 every day. I need the office to be early risers."

Me: Well shit woman, why don't you just give me the rest of your demands while you're at it? Don't hold back as long as we're pissing in the wind and throwing wishes down the well. "What else would you like? I'm taking notes here."

Cindy: Still missing my sarcasm: "I want benefits. I want paid vacation and I want dental. I really need dental. I also don't want to drive more than 10 miles each way. I figure it doesn't hurt to ask, I may as well get it all out there up front right?"

Me: Note to my blog reading chickadees- yes, as a matter of fact is DOES HURT TO ASK. Don't even think about it if you really want to be employed. "Well the job posting you answered is at least 20 minutes away from your home. And they want you to work full time. And I know for a fact the office doesn't even open until 9:00 am every morning. And they won't offer all of those benefits unless you're willing to work the full shift they are requiring of you. So maybe this particular opportunity isn't a good fit for you Cindy."

Translation: Bug off lady.

But no, Cindy had to keep going at me.

Cindy: "Well this Obama dude isn't helping me one bit. I can't believe he's done so little for our economy and the job market. I even voted for him, I'm ashamed to admit. What an idiot. He didn't fix everything like he so eloquently promised. What's that all about? Why can't I get hired?"

Me: Seriously? She is seriously so dense that she doesn't see that SHE'S the reason she's not getting hired? She won't get out of her own way? AND not only is she stupid, but she has the AUDACITY to bring up politics when she's trying to find a job?
Don't do this people.

Me: Quiet and contemplative. Trying to think about what to say that will just make this all stop so I can just get on with my day. I could just hang up. Hmmmm. That's tempting.

Cindy: "Are you there? Where'd you go? Don't you think Obama is just awful?"

Me: "I think maybe you should look elsewhere for a job Cindy. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful to you."

Cindy: "Oh okay, just like that huh? You're done with me? Throwing me away are you?"

Me: And she wonders why the husband left to go find a blond. Probably because he had to PUT UP WITH HER SHIT. "I'm not THROWING YOU AWAY Cindy, you've done nothing but put up road blocks at me left and right ever since you took your gardening gloves off. I have a responsibility to my employer to find qualified candidates that meet the exact criteria in the job posting. You are telling me you have no desire to comply to ANY of the things I very clearly listed in the job description. Best of luck to you Cindy."

CLICK.

And now? I want the last 9 minutes of my life back.

So let's recap, shall we?
Who can tell me how many things Cindy did wrong on this call?
Anyone?
If you came up with the number of 7 items, ding ding ding! You win the imaginary prize!

Here they are:

1. Answered the phone when she wasn't prepared. (Just let it go to voice mail people and call me back when you're calm, collected, and also? Not covered in mud.)
2. Didn't remember what job she'd replied to.
3. Told me way too much personal info right out of the gate.
4. Gave me a list of demands that didn't even come close to the job parameters.
5. Had no grip on reality and the working world. None what-so-evah.
6. Brought up politics. (HUGE NO NO!! That and religion.)
7. Being accusatory- implying that I'M mistreating HER.

I would have left her for a blond too.
Cindy, I'm sorry dear, but you're just one more example of:

Peace out my peeps.

How to get a raise

You look like you could use a joke, all the way from here!
So here goes ... as stolen from the internet and my mother-in-law (of all people) forwarding it to me ... I present to you:

"How To Get A Raise"

Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?"

Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years."

Boss: "Yes."

Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first."

Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time."

Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade."

Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?"

Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you sir!"

Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?"

Employee: "Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!"

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