Yesterday was special

Yup.
You read that right.
Yesterday was special.


How so you ask?
Well basically because it was a Monumental Monday.
As in, one of the Crappiest. Mondays. Ever.


After a grueling weekend of prepping concrete floors to be ready for hardwood flooring to go down and painting half the inside of our new house, I set myself up in my makeshift office/construction zone to hunker down and work on my recruiting tasks. I'm lucky enough now to get to work not only part time as a recruiter, but from home 3 out of the 5 days a week. So yeah, sometimes my hair is smooshed up into a messy pony tail and I just have my yoga pants and a t-shirt on, but so what, I still work my ass off, and get the job done.


Well, usually.


Yesterday I seemed to be thwarted by some kind of colossal internet, Mercury must be in retrograde, no communication-is-going-to-work-the-way-you-want-it-to malfunction. It was of epic proportions.
I'm talking EPIC people.


I regularly use that program gotomypc.com to tap into my computer at work that just sits there, all cute like, by itself in the dark, patiently waiting for me to hook up to it. I've been overall generally pleased with the program and yesterday seemed to be no different, except that once I'd logged in, it kept giving me an error that said "internet connection is intermittent at this computer" like every ten seconds. Literally. Every TEN FUCKING SECONDS.


So I'd try to open up an email and a resume somebody had sent me, and then I'd sit and wait.
And wait some more.
And then try to type an email to a job seeker like the fastest typing mo-fo you've ever seen... only to be disconnected again mid-sentence so that I could sit again... and wait.

I texted my fearless co-worker Tammy to help with computer trouble shooting junk. She helped me as much as she could given the fact that she actually has OTHER work to do besides rebooting my computer for me every 12 minutes.
So I schemed, I planned. I plotted.
I thought I finally knew what the problem was.
At the top of my list of things to do: drive directly to work with messy hair, yoga pants and all and just put my fist directly THROUGH my computer monitor at work. I was SURE it was because our internet was too slow at work as for years it's had a bad reputation for just that. It's clearly the easy victim to blame.


After seemingly no other alternative, I finally gave up. I decided to just decompress for a minute so I just sat there, thinking. "Well it's a fucking Monday for sure. Maybe the Zombie Apocalypse is actually about to occur.... wouldn't surprise me."

Then something suddenly dawned on me... HEY now. Maybe I'M the one creating the problem here. Maybe I shouldn't be running other stuff in the background on my laptop as it's getting bogged down. I'd always had our home computer on before AS WELL AS my laptop, but it wasn't today because of all the construction. It was tucked away nicely in the guest room, completely unplugged. Maybe I'd never had this problem before because I'd never tried to compete with gotomypc.com on my laptop. Huh. That's it! That's got to be it!


(Yes, this took me 3 hours to figure out. No, this isn't my proudest moment.)


Immediately I shut down everything and rebooted. Then proceeded to ONLY OPEN gotomypc.com and log on. Within seconds I was downloading resumes and whipping through emails like nobody's business. 


It was SO INCREDIBLY FREEING.


It was as if I got a glimpse of what those poor 1800's prairie bitches must have felt like after years of churning their own butter on the front porch in 100 degree heat and suddenly having someone hand them a chunk of butter, sans Olympic-proportionate workout involvement. In other words: LIBERATED.

You know she's totally saying: "I hate my life. Somebody fucking kill me NOW." 

Aaaaah. Sweet relief.


And then it dawned on me.
There's like a LOT of freaking emails in my inbox.
As a matter of fact, I'd say there's an ungodly amount of emails in my inbox. It's as if the entire world decided to apply to my positions over the weekend.


Well shit. That means now that I've lost all that time this morning waiting for my cloudy brain to open up and figure out why I couldn't get my computer to work, I have to make the time up cuz my boss is paying me for it.
Because I'm honest like that, dammit all to freakin' HELL.
Integrity bites sometimes, I'm tellin' ya.

So after some more grumbling and quiet cursing under my breath, I started clicking, clicking, clicking through the load.
Within minutes, it was clear to me that there was some kind of pattern forming, and I got giddy.
99% of them were idiots.
It's like the Universe was saying "It's okay, just hang in my friend, we're going to make the fact that you have integrity very worth your while. Keep clicking."


And clicking I did.
Between giggles.
And when I say giggles, I mean some serious giggles.

The cat woke up and looked at me from under my desk with that "Uh-oh, mom's lost it again" look.


I guess I got so loud that my daughter felt she better emerge from her purple-laden cocoon to check on me.


And when she did, I felt it only fair that I share with her, so that she not feel left out.


After I read some of them to her, she immediately said "You have to post this stuff. You're going to blog about all this right? Because seriously mom, if they can make a 14 year old say "What?!?" about a resume.. that's not good."


Amen little pumpkin, amen.


So without further ado- here's what was in my inbox yesterday:

"Objective: To obtain an entry-level position with a very competitive pay rate."

At least she was honest...

"I hope you feel this email well..."

There's so many directions I could go with this one...

"All of the same job descriptions listed previously goes here _____________________"

Could you get any lazier, dumb ass?

"I am interesting in learned more about da position."

You can just take your gangsta, bad grammar-i-tized self elsewhere, thank you.

"Objetive: All State Farmer Insurance Progressive work to be had"

Well that covers it.

"I removed sweet excess powder palettes."

Wait huh, wha? What does this even mean?

"i am very interested in learning about start farms aims."

Is he talking about starting another Farm Aid with Willie Nelson? Or State Farm's business goals? Neither of which I know anything about.

"Dear to whom corresponding:

am really thanksfull for the job offer. also in this replay to you is my resumen so that you can let me know when i have to go realize the starting job with you."

Dear to whom I am not going to be corresponding: A) I did not make you a job offer 

and

B) I don't think anyone could help you realize anything. Please give up now and crawl back into your hole.

"Best redards, RoSaNnA mOrAlEs"

This isn't an Ebay listing you twit. Oh sorry, and best redards to you too.

"Objective: I want to be stimulated."

Gross.

Just fucking gross. Stop saying that.

To the lady that couldn't spell her own last name right: which is it bitch? Walford or Waflord?

Maybe it would help if you tattooed it to yourself, like this moron did:

"ERROR! Reference source not found" listed instead of a name. 

Here's a pic I took of it, it's like the 14th one I've seen in the past 2 weeks. Literally.

Hey ding dong! Here's a swell idea... how about reading your resume over AT LEAST ONE FUCKING TIME before you submit it to the world. Huh? 

"Thank you and gobbless"

Gobbless? As in God bless? Or are you big into gobbling like a turkey? 

"Objective: To obtain a Customer Service position with XYZ company"

Really? For reals you did this?

Those were all from ONE FREAKING DAY. 
Seriously.
This shit writes itself... I'm tellin' ya.


Now quick!

Mine's an "I Love You More" ceramic heart dish my daughter made me. 
What's yours?

50 Shades of Job Seeker Stupidity (Minus the Porn)

So first off, let me give credit where credit is due... I got the title idea from one of the coolest bloggers ever, Jen at "Jen" e sais quoi, whose blog can be read with delight over here. She's seriously one of my new faves so when you have a moment, go over there and enjoy the heck out of yourself.

And now, without further ado, let's get on with it, shall we?

This is basically a list I've compiled for all y'all of my top 50 (that's right bitches, there are 50, FIFTY!) things that annoy the HELL out of me about job seekers today. So consider it a handy dandy cheat sheet of sorts if you will. And like I said, minus the porn. (I know some of you are SORELY disappointed there will be no porn here...)

(Sorry, the Pantone loving past-life-as-a-printer girl in me had to put that pic up...)

OH and I must start this off with this disclaimer: these are all true... unfortunately I've been the recipient of ALL of these egregious errors in judgement either on my computer screen, on paper, over the phone, or in person. Poor, poor me.

Ahem.

Here we go!

1. Tell us HR types in great detail about the asses you've wiped, the back fat you've burrowed under folds to scrub, and the poop you've cleaned off of toilets. Because we want to know. Every. Gory. Detail.

2. Disclose to us how you're a grown ass adult and yet you're still living on your mother's couch and she's as mad as a wet hen and about to kick your sorry ass out.

3. Never keep accurate dates for previous employment. Put things like "I think I worked there for 3-4 months" on your resume.

4. Always list your height, made up weight, religious beliefs, sex, and sexual preference somewhere in the documentation you send out.

5. Discuss how far you are and aren't willing to drive. At length.
While you're at it, go off about America's inept transportation system.

6. Mention how many children you have, how they're all starving and us hiring you is the only shot they have at eating tomorrow.

7. Send us death threats when we tell you we are interested in your resume.

8. Make sure to mention you got the award for "Best Dressed" in high school.
In 1976.

9. Point out how handicapped you are. Then yell at us and tell us we are being discriminatory when we say we'll do our best to place you, and actually mean it.

10. Ask about our tattoo and piercing policy.
Talk only about this.


11. Disclose that you're only really going to be working for a short time because you need to save money to go to massage school. You know, after we've adequately invested our time and oodles of money and resources into training you.

12. Mention your salary demands. Preferably directly ON your resume, but on your cover letter works just as well. Make sure to make the numbers SUPER OUTRAGEOUSLY HIGH and having no immediate correlation to your actual skill level.

13. Use the phrase "family crisis" frequently. Drama is very appealing to us.

14. Email us to point out that you haven't paid your phone bill so we have no way of speaking to us.

15. Ask us to forward your resume on to the "appropriate department". Because we have nothing better to do.

16. Be sure to list your social security number as the 2nd item on your resume.

17. Tell us how many tickets you have on your driving record. Better yet, tell us your license plate and drivers license number in your initial email to us.

18. Yell at other people while you're on the phone with us. Children hanging from chandeliers, out of control drivers that cut you off, your annoying spouse in the background, you know, whomever you feel like yelling at.

19. Write your resume like it's story time. And refer to yourself in the 3rd person. For example: "George likes his chicken spicy!"

20. Tell us your fiance was murdered the first 2 minutes into our first (and last) conversation on the phone together.

21. Don't use spell checker. Spell checkers are for WHIMPS WIMPS.

22. Make sure most of your resume is full of "fluff" and not actual work experience ... such as a list of references, which must always include your parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters.

23. Don't keep up to date with your dates on any of your documentation to us. Make sure you end every single job entry or educational experience with " - Present". That way we'll be UBER impressed with your time travel and/or parallel universe skills.

24. Put LOL on your resume. It's SOP now.

25. Get the name of our company wrong. Putting things like "I would love to work with State Farmers!" wins us over every time.

26. Give us incredibly hard schedules of interview availabilities right out of the gate. For example: "Currently, my schedule is only open Tuesday, Wednesday & Fridays all days except for 9-9:25am, 11:30-12:18 pm and 5:15-5:50 pm." We like a challenge.

27. Be sure to save your resume as an attachment with some ridiculous name. Don't stick with "JohnDoeWord1", instead, we prefer "This'llFoolEm" or "AdministrativeAss".

28. W Y  E  V  C  I  A  L
      R  O  S  E  A  K  G  C
      I  U  U  R  L  E  I  O
     T  R  M  T  -  A  C  D
     E  R  E  I  L  M  A  E

Be sure to submit your resume to us in code. We haven't seen Nicolas Cage's "Knowing" enough and don't quite have the 33=EE drilled into our skulls enough yet.

29. Tell us that you not only meet but EXCEED our job requirements. Then ask us what they are again?

30. Use lots of exclamation points to convey your level of excitability! We don't like to have anyone dull around the office!

31. Tell us that you pay attention to detail, then put that you've been working at your current position from 1889-Present.

32. Make a massive list of your Farmville Frustrations and have this be the bulk of your resume. For some of us HR types, it's our life's deepest desire to help you with you gift acceptance and fertilization issues. Also? We specifically look to hire people that only play on Facebook all day.

33. Call us drunk! Because really, we get bored sometimes.

34. Go overboard on the TMI. Like be sure to mention that you answered the phone stark naked and were about to get into the shower, or that you remember seeing my email I sent you while scrolling through your phone while taking a shit on the can.

35. Be sure to list all your hobbies, "accopishments" and interests. The boring-er, the better.
Yawn.

36. List an Objective. Because we care that you can lie and/or have the inability to adjust your objective to our particular job posting.

37. Make sure your resume has "Error! Reference source not found." reading across the top of it instead of your actual name. Like this:

No, after 17 tries I STILL can't get it to rotate left. Turn your head to the right for crying out loud. 

38. List that you work in "Costumer" Service. That's definitely a favorite of ours.

39. Be sure to include letters of recommendation that cite you doing nothing particularly spectacular, like changing a light bulb for example. 

40. Mention all of your credit problems right away. I don't care how you do it, but make sure we know IMMEDIATELY that you (or someone you hate) has seriously fucked up your credit. Then be sure to add that you are broke ass 'po and you don't have 2 nickels to rub together, let alone come up with enough gas money to get to an interview.

41. Send 17 pages of useless dribble, especially if you've been in the work force all of 3 years. Be sure to mention your GPA as well, especially if it was or is particularly low.

42. Always include a picture of yourself. Do NOT deny us the privilege of being overwhelmed with your hotness and incredibly sexy glamour shot you took back in 1983.

43. Tell us how incredibly stupid we are for contacting you regarding a position that completely mirrors your past experience.

44. Get religious on us. Tell us Jesus/Buddha/Muhammad love us. Don't forget the bouncing religious icon at the end of your email!

45. refuse to capitalize anything. speak in bingo and text lingo only. KTHNXBAI

46. Be completely clear with us about how you currently HATE your job and the Bosshole that signs your paychecks.

47. Leave your Facebook account wide open for the entire world to see. Be sure to have as many drunken orgy pictures as you can on there.

48. Have a completely inappropriate email address. "ilovepeewee69", "douglovestohump" or "mybigdoubledeez" are going to make us want to pick up the phone and have you come in for an interview, and like, stat.

49. Call us to bug us about openings.

Repeatedly. Especially after we've made it clear to you that we're doing everything in our power to help place you. If you keep calling us, it will definitely get you moved up to the top of the list.

And last but not least... 

50.  Be sure to submit your resume with a hair xeroxed or scanned onto it. We prefer the hair be dark and curly. Those are our faves.

Has everyone lost their minds? Or is it just me?

First off, for those of you that followed my "trying desperately to win a contest" posting (which can be read here ) I'm so saddened to have to tell you that, sigh, I didn't win. Wah.

Thank you to those of you that made your genuine "I hope you win" comments and sent me private messages as well (I'm lookin' at you Crystal, plus Misty from http://mistyslaws.wordpress.com/ and all the others that didn't want to be publicly acknowledged for some reason--- what are you ashamed you know me? LOL)

Anyway, some lucky dude named Jon in Philly won and seeing as how he's currently unemployed and had a previous life selling insurance? That's about as good a reason as most to deserve a lunch with Stacey Ballis and Jen Lancaster. Here's a link to his blog so you can read about how he reinvents himself: Jon's blog


In other unrelated-to-resumes news... I've been busy over here in Stephanie-land. Aside from painting, trying to be a yard ninja (more on that later), still unpacking, working part time as a recruiter and running a resume business, I'm still a mom.

Somewhere in there.

I think I tried to prove this to myself and all of mankind by schlepping myself and the 14 year old 4 hours ONE WAY to a little town called Independence, CA to pick up my daughter's NV BFF, whom we'll just call Miss A. (We lived in Northern Nevada for 12 years... that's a previous life I don't necessarily like to revisit very often, but some good things came out of it, like my daughter's pal for life.)

On the oh-too-familiar trek we make a few times a year up the good ol' 395, we passed this Spongebob-esque house that some whackadoodle lives in:

I'm sorry, but if you're going to do it, DO IT RIGHT DUDE. You're missing the blue pipe sticking out the side and the whole pineapple skin feel, not to mention the green bushy top and the blue front door- all issues could be so EASILY remedied. It just needs to be FINISHED. Like this of course, for those of you that have been hiding under a Patrick sized rock and have no idea what the heck I'm talking about:

Sidebar: now that I spent the last 26 minutes surfing the world wide webz for Spongebob images, a) I would like those 26 minutes of my life back 

and

b) I. MUST. MAKE. THIS. CAKE.

So long story longer, now Miss A is here visiting my munchkin for a good solid 10 day run and boy, are they happy! We tend to get all "touristy" when she's here and so far we've been to the beach a couple of times, she's been entertained by our new wonderful neighbors at a local swimming hole, been to the candy store twice and had endless nights of staying up too late talking about teenage magpie-type stuff. Tomorrow? Universal Studios. The rest of the week? More beach, more pool, facials, movies and book stores. (Seriously, I think I should get mother of the year award people. Just sayin'.)

But I digress... off the personal stuff and on with the Resume-Related show!

Today, I'm gonna talk about HOW TO HANDLE HR TYPES ON THE PHONE. 
Was that too shouty? Because I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO SHOUT. 
ESPECIALLY ABOUT THIS.

First- I've said it before and I'll say it YET AGAIN, if you are unprepared to answer the phone while job hunting, then DON'T ANSWER THE EFFING PHONE. Just let it go to voice mail.

Don't do yourself the utter and complete DISSERVICE of looking at your phone, thinking to yourself "Who the hell is THAT? I'm not in a position to answer the phone right now, so I really shouldn't pick it up but oh WHAT THE HELL. I'll pick it up anyway."

This really seems like a no-brainer to me but apparently? It's difficult for most people.

I had a spectacular round of idiocy this morning in particular that spawned the thought that I need to get back on the blog-writing-horse and share.

The first guy I called was an NFL sportscaster who wanted OUT. He went on and on about how awful his job is, how it's seasonal from August to January and how he CANNOT TAKE IT ANY LONGER. Okay. I get that. I managed to try and calm him down but judging from the background noise (I think he was in a parking garage?) he was becoming more and more agitated at his surroundings. Like I'm talking cussing under his breath at people and things and I don't know whatever else as it was hard to make out his tourettes-like whispers. That is until he decided to yell into the phone "HEY FUCK YOU! MOTHER FUCKER! COME BACK HERE YOU ASSHOLE!"
At which point? I decided to holler back "EXCUSE ME?!?" (Knowing full well he wasn't talking to me, just trying to make a point that DUDE. YOU'RE ON THE PHONE WITH A POTENTIAL EMPLOYER. HELLO MCFLY?)

Fucking moron.
He apologized. Said some guy came around the corner fast and almost took him out. (I think he was standing outside his car? I dunno. Or care.)
I excused myself, said my other line was ringing and that I had to go answer it. I lied (of course) and I should have totally said "OBVIOUSLY you have some anger issues. The last thing we need is someone that's going to lash out at our clients, so good luck to you, ASSHAT."

Ahh to be just as bold as them to their faces. (Ears?)

Shortly after that, I got a mother yelling at her kids to settle the hell down already! (Which truthfully made me giggle, but again- SO not appropriate if you're going to be job hunting. Just don't pick up the phone if they're hopped up on Fruit Loops and swinging from the chandelier.)

But the piece de resistance was little miss "Cindy".

Keep in mind- it's close to 11:00 in the morning.
Here's how our conversation went:

Cindy: "Hullo?"
Me: "Hi is this Cindy?"
Cindy: "Uh yeah, who's calling?"

I explain who I am, why I'm calling, etc etc.
Then I ask what I ALWAYS ask because people are dumb, and I don't trust their judgement (as I shouldn't and is about to be proven for the umpteenth time today...): "Is this a good time for you?"

Cindy: "Well, uh, not really. I'm standing here stark naked, I was just about to get in the shower."
Me: Silence
Cindy: "Hello?"
Me: Wanting to poke my eyes out with my favorite pen: "Yeah, I'm here. I guess I should probably call you back then huh?" Can't. Believe. She. Said. THAT.
Cindy: "Yeah, I should be done in about 30 minutes. You can call me back then."
Me: "Okay." Click.

Me for reals: OH HELL NO. I can't call you back. Sorry, no can do.

Yes, I know I'm acting like a 4 year old but for the 30 minute period after that, while I was wading through more Resumes A La DumbShits... all I could do was think "Well, Cindy's still showering..."
Does that make me some kind of perv?
No, it doesn't.
Because somebody can't tell you that they're standing there naked about to get in the shower and then you not have that in the back of your mind. It's just not possible. Just like somebody saying to you "Don't envision an elephant" BAM! Now all you can think about is elephants.

So Cindy? You twit... I won't call you, I can't call you. I JUST SIMPLY CAN'T. Because aside from the part where you made me wanna blush at my desk, the overall concept is this: I CAN'T TRUST YOU. I can't trust what will come flying out of your mouth to a client. You obviously had bad judgement to begin with by picking up the phone when an unrecognized number was ringing through in the first place, but then to say you are "stark naked"? Obviously you're stark raving mad.

Peace out my peeps.

Hobbiez 101

Alright.
It's time I spout off about this because it's been drivin' me FREAKIN' CRAZY for months...years? Probably years now that I really take a second to think about it.

So here's the overview...as I outlined in this previous blog post... interests and/or hobbies aren't really necessary to put on your resume any more. Unless of course you have a very special niche career in which it would apply, posting them really does nothing more than
a) take up space
and
b) make us Recruiter/HR types snicker our asses off at you.

The most recent round I've collected is SO SO silly, I couldn't of course help but share.

Before I do though, I just wanted to point out the fact that way back in the stone age (or whenever it was that people decided it was necessary to put "Interests" or "Hobbies" on resumes) I really don't know what the eff they were thinking. Because really, what's the difference besides an interest or a hobby? I think they are like 2 degrees off in separation or something minuscule like that. One could assume that hobbies just start off as mere interests, and evolve into something more.
But still, when I see them posted on a resume?
All I can think is 1 of 3 things:
YAWN
or
YOU'RE AN IDIOT
or
SAVE IT FOR YOUR MATCH.COM PROFILE.


Ahem.

Let's begin, shall we?

"I enjoy gardening and quilting"

How thrilling. Be still my beating heart.

"My favorite color is purple and I'm a spunky Sagittarius."

How nice. I totally don't care.

"I like long walks on the beach and beautiful sunsets..."

Pffft. Like that isn't an overused stereotypical catch phrase circa 1978...

"My hobby is that I enjoy spending time playing with my fiance and Bowser my Basset Hound."

Okay, I love Basset Hounds, so I'm going to leave that one alone. But "playing" with your fiance?

Ummmm, yeah. Like totally inappropriate.

"My hobby is global news."

 Uhhh, really? Could you be any more dull?

"Hobbies: children"

This simple statement was from a guy that has no career affiliation with children...ummmm this scares me.

Should I be reporting him?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

"Hobbies: Fresh and salt water aquariums"

This was also posted from a job seeker that had no prior employment experience with aquariums. 

Or fish.

Or even the rocks that go in the bottom of the tank.

Can you say random?

"Expanding Home Brewing Beer Possibilities"

Bahahahahaha!!

(This one was admittedly extra funny to me because my hubby home brews...)

"Hobbies: Advertysment"

Wha? Who has a hobby regarding advertising? The dude's background had nothing to do with marketing or advertising. Or even spelling things correctly for that matter. Perhaps he was involved with THIS advertisement:

"Watching Anime"

Do I really need to say anything about this one??

"Hobbies: I love selling things. I once sold 640 candy bars at a dollar each for my sisters fiffth grade class."

Okay, clearly, this candy bar selling dude that loves selling things but has a problem with spelling things should be hooked up with my "advertisment" dude above. Don't you agree? I should totally arrange a soiree of sorts for them.

And I know it's not exactly a pic of candy bars, but I found this and couldn't resist posting it...

Heh.

"Hobbies: Walking and bingo"

Really?

How old are you anyway??

(Wait, don't answer that...technically I'm not allowed to ask...)

"Hobbies: Counseling peers and bowling"

Huh?

Did you mean "counseling peers while bowling"??

Or just drinking too much while bowling and spouting off your opinion when nobody really freakin' cares?

"Hobbies: Puzzles"

What kind of puzzles? Cuz if it's this kind, then...

Yawn.

But if it's this kind:

Then that's just funny shit.

You should really be more specific when posting that your only hobby is puzzles, just sayin'...

"Hobbies: making pool shot videos for youtub"

Youtub?

Is that a new video hosting website I haven't heard of as of yet?

"Hobbies: Live events and fantasy sports"

I suppose it's "live" events vs. "fantasy" sports, just to keep an even keel and all? Like one foot is firmly planted in reality while the other one is loosely floating in fantasy?

?

And last for now, but knowing my luck, certainly not the last I'll see on a resume:

"Hobbies: Socializing with friends."

Yeah, because NOBODY likes socializing with their friends.

Twit.

Peace out my peeps!

PS Which friend icon are YOU? I'm pretty sure I'm Cartwright, but fingers are crossed I'm something cooler like Spongebob. ;0)