Tap tap tap! IS THIS THING ON??

Hi there!
I've been gone awhile.

Like 6-ish months, according to my elementary-school level counting skills.

Gone for good reason though, and without going into any gory details nobody deserves to be subjected to, I'll just say one word: DIVORCE.


For those of you that have been through the lovely fucking process of divorce, I'm betting you'd all agree with me that getting a divorce is like taking a gigantic crap- it's super painful and awful while it's happening but what a RELIEF when it's over. 
Am I right?

What's possibly scarier than that word, however, is the fact that I've moved twice since the divorce was decided. 
MOVED. 
TWICE. 

(How many of you just shuddered?)
(And furthermore, who the fuck puts a HAPPY FACE on a dude that's moving?!? The people who draw clip art for moving have CLEARLY never moved before...)

So needless to say, I've been dealing with some CRAP. Please forgive me for my absence though, and I truly appreciate those of you that have written me privately to see if I ran away to Sweden or somewhere fabulous. (Pfft. I wish.)

What matters now is that I'm back and have lots to share. 
The question is, where to start? 
How to get back up on the horse?

If you saw the pile of lame resumes spread out all over my bed just now and heard the conversation I had with my cat about how to make any sense out of them (yes, seriously, and shut up), it's a bit overwhelming. 

A few stellar examples that I've been truly looking forward to *showcasing* have been floating around in my head for months now and I'm even dreaming about them. I've had so many "brilliant" ideas about how to compose my postings in my sleep, I've actually trained myself to wake up in the middle of the night and write them down. 

But I just read over some of those notes and am having second thoughts.

Here's one I just found:

"All sub-par candidates will be placed in the crisper."

Because this makes sense at 3am.

I've wisely (ahem) tossed my ~middle of the night notes~ and decided instead I'll get back into the groove with 3 basic categories people screw up in the land of resumes.

They are:

1. Egos: Don't over-inflate yours, genius
2. Objectives: Nobody wants to hear it
3. Corresponding: Proofread that shit

(Disclaimer- those of you new here should go and read the "About Me" section where I talk about how I don't make this shit up. Because I don't.
Because I'm not that creative. 
(Crisper idea = evidence of this fact.)
These are real examples, WORD FOR WORD of resumes or emails attached to resumes that have been personally sent to moi.)

1. Egos- Don't over-inflate yours, genius

a. "I have all the qualifications you are looking for for this high ranking position. I'm sure you will be very pleased with what you see, just sure of it."

Don't ever say this, EVER. This particular candidate cleaned koi ponds for a living. And not that I have anything against koi pond cleaners in the world (as we need them!) but if I'm recruiting for INSURANCE POSITIONS, you're a fucking moron for saying this to me.

b. "My character has a passion to constantly desire additinoal tasks instilling senses of trust and reliance. My SUPERB communication skills have molded me into an amazing writer, speaker, and genuine person."

Superb typo skills and non-sensical, head-scratching bullshit = exactly what I'm looking for! Score!


c. "I am highly willed and able to juggle and coordinate, and line up and handle things to the finest degree."

Anyone else feel like they just entered a circus tent?

d. "Hello. I don't want the job you are advertising but I would entertain any of these instead:
Project Manager
Project Coordinator
Project Associate
Marketing Manager
Marketing Coordinator
Marketing Associate
Contracts Administrator
Contracts Manager
Senior Business Analyst
Senior Business Systems Analyst
Systems Analyst
Knowledge Management Manager/Director/Architect
Social Media Manager
Social Media Analyst
Social Media Coordinator
Technical Writer
Event Planner
If you have any of these above available positions specifically in the Los Angeles or Orange County areas, please forward me the job descriptions, then use my resume to apply to them. Thanks."

FUCK YOU.

e. (This email was directed at my boss but sent to me): "I can see by your last name that you are Armenian. That means you're a great person. I know a lot of Armenians. Take for example, my wife."

No words.

          2. Objectives: Nobody wants to hear it

a. "Objective: I am currently seeking a degree in Kinsiology but until that time, my objective is to earn money so I can get through school."

You better earn a LOT because I can tell it's going to take you awhile just to figure out how to spell your major.

b. "Objective: I want to work in a fun environment that enhances my life and promotes growth within me."

Ummm...

c. "Objective: To make good money and have a great career."

5 gold stars goes to this job seeker for honesty. 

d. "Objective: Too obtain a position with my physical and mental skills to work with the people of the public."

Yikes.

e. "Objective: Looking for a new adventure could be part time early mornings or evenings only!"

Seriously.

f. "Objective: I need a work for computer technician as I am replacing pc and laptop components"

So many different directions I could go on this one. 

g. "Objective: to eagerly submit my application for your open position."

Alrighty then. That was certainly worth the valuable space it took up on the resume. 

h. "Objective: The adequate answer to my placement objective will simply be to brighten my knowledge, and work-well."

I think I need to use the phrase "brighten my knowledge" more often. I've really been missing the boat on that opportunity. 

i. "Objective: To interact with and mold children to be productive citizens in society through probation."

Children have to be molded through probation? Did I miss something? Apparently I've been doing this parenting thing all wrong. My teenager will be thrilled to know there will be new procedures in the house.

j. "Objective: To obtain a position of an engineer-specialist in the field of engineering. And to realize and increase the experience."

Well obviously the problem here is clear- this one's an engineer. 

k. "Objective: to find the right job that fits me."

Amen brother!

l. "Objective: to apply the many skills I currently have. I also seek to acquire new ones."

You can dooooo eeeeetttt!!!

z. "Objective: to be stimulated."

 Well don't look at me! I'm not doing it!

3. Corresponding- Proofread that shit

a. "I am a 16-year old middle school teacher who is lookign for summer work. I am looking for as many hours as I can get over the suimmer."

Please tell me where you are working during the skool year so I can warn the other parents.


b. "I am interested to come in for an interview ass soon as possible."

Bahahahaha! Yes, I'm so immature, I still laugh at this one that happens at least once a week.


c. "I am most definitely interested in this position. Feel free to contact me any time. My phone number is 805-555-1234, feel free to leave messages."

How many will I have to leave? This sounds exhausting.


d. (This guy emailed me after I sent him directions):
"Greetings. I got the massage."

I then had to forward it to my boss because I thought it was so funny. 

Here's what he said:

"What you are you promising them now???" 

Until next time my little chickadees (which I promise will be sooner!), peace out!

!!*!????*!

Alright, let's just dive in, shall we?

The past few weeks' idiot submissions were stellar I tell you... stellar!

From James:

"Hey Stephanie, sorry it took me so long to get back to you I've had some car trouble this past week."

And that infringes on one's ability to check email how exactly?

From Jerry, who sent this message along with his equally, "legally" confusing resume:

"Per a written notice received via electrical means on March 22nd, 2013, this is in reply to a solicitation to become part of the ____ Insurance Corporation as a full time employee.

Under this assumption that this request is correct, this writer is hereby submitting a WORD document file of a professional credential report listing aspects that is connected to this applicant. This report is to be used for submission for the purposes of being an employee within the _____ Insurance Corporation structure in a position or category that is suitable for the applicant's skills and desires.

Additional credentials can be supplied to the parties in question upon written reply."

WTF? Just WTF is that??

From Mitchell:

"Please copy my work email as I read those emails first. It's mitchell@
imanidiotforusingmyworkemailaddresstofindajob.duh"

From Ashley:

"I have an incomparable ability to institute instant relationships with people based on stupendous communication proficiency."
!

From Adam:

"My active experience and sharpened skills imbibed through quality education can produce MIRACULOUS results. My diligence and integrity can benefit the company and the customer rapport can be BEYOND BELIEF!"

Oh Adam, I'm sure there are a few things about you that are "BEYOND BELIEF".

From Jason:

"Customer service rep- Company: Unknown."

Really? Just... really!?*?!?

From Laurie:

"I prepair food and degrease the drive thru platform thingy."

From Sandra:

"I get well with others"

From Charlene:

"Owner of a hair salon. Experinced in mixing colors and aplicating to heads."

Dear Charlene- not only are you not getting a call for the job I've posted, but you are also *never* touching my head.

From Renzi:

"Hi Steph,
Interested to know more about this job. Please contact me at 805-555-1212 and leave a message. I will gladly show up for a seminar with you. Leave information of your available schedule, give me a post of calendar of events you have. Perhaps just leave the details through email."

So... I have to suddenly conjure up and run a seminar for you?
And perhaps you might just want to quit bossing me around with your "contact me this way or contact me that way" bipolar tendencies.

From Shane:

"I would pack 10-55 punds of cheese at a faced pace onto line belt to get Sherrded into little pieces."

From Alana:

"Attached is my resume for working with your company. I will be available shortly.
PS My phone number is on vacation right now because I'm overseas."

BAHAHAHAHA!!

From Teresa:

"Technical Skills: IBM Selectric III typewriter"

Well if I had a time machine to transport us back to 1983, we'd be all set now wouldn't we Teresa?

From Brenda:

"I have long-desired a position close to home with a stable company that provides me excellent benefits. I also want to be provided with potential for advancement and afforded the opportunity to better utilize my under-utilized, amazing skills."

Well you're just going to be "long-desiring" that position until the end of the world with that attitude Miss Brenda.

From Brenda's equally selfish twin, Vanessa (who works at the GAP mind you):

"Hi Stephanie, I am interested to see what your office has to offer me."

From Joshua:

"this is my most recent resume copy.......... let me know if your still intressted."

Dear dear Joshua. Please don't lead with your "prepare to be disappointed plus I can't spell for crap" foot. 

From Arnold:

"For family issues I traveled back to Argentina three weeks ago, I think back to US in August/September/October and expect to meet with you then."

Wow Arnold. It's rather presumptuous of you to just assume we will magically hold this position for you. Dip. 

From Bill:
A TWENTYFUCKINGFOUR PAGE RESUME that ended with this statement, rendering me incredulous:

"I hope this brief statement gives you an idea about my experience and background."

WTF is BRIEF about a 24 page resume?!?? 

From Joe:

"Teaching and giving advice to me was like a ball to a soccer player."

What? 

From Allison:

"I have always been good at managing my family during the Great Recession".

The Great Recession? Is this a new catch phrase I was unaware of?

And last but not least, one of my all time FAVES... drum roll please... from David:

"Hello Miss Stephanie. My name is David. First of all I am really am greatful am thankful for you to take your time to email me. I am speechless and I couldn't say a word right now. My mind is thinking that I should go for this and give it a shot and this job would mean alot to me and my parents. I really want to thank you for emailing me. I am really need to think this over and need to talk it over with my parents. I am interested in this job. I am a hard worker. I never thought of becoming a business person but I am interested to work in this company and I am truly greatful you emailed me. I am crying in my room when I got this email. I have goosebumps in my skin, I am really excited. I will talk to my parents and what they think."

Aww David...I feel compelled to hug you and then take you immediately to the doctor for meds. We'd of course have to check with your parents first.

A hearty thank you to the above useless job seekers for inflicting me with mood poisoning. 

Until next time, peace out my peeps!

Is the advice I give appreciated? Hardly.

I know I jokingly answer some of the emails I receive here on my blog, but somebody asked me the other day if I actually ever email some of these job seekers back to let them know how badly they are fucking up their chances of landing a position. 

You bet your sweet bippy I do.

Do they appreciate my efforts at making them a better job seeker?
Hardly.

I pulled some actual examples of mistakes being made and my responses... and here they are, in all their glory.  

From Alexandra, with a Bachelor of Arts in English, her position as a Journalist listed with the following description:
"Worked on a featured eekly college newspaper"

I emailed her to tell her that while her exact skill set was not a match to the position she'd applied for with my company, I'm sure her journalistic and English skills were more than likely going to be an advantage to another searching employer. I also added that unless the college newspaper was actually CALLED the "Eekly Examiner," she might want to consider changing the word "eekly" to "weekly". 


From Amanda, who only had the following listed as a resume:

"Amanda J_______
805-555-1212
sxkitten711@____.com

Resume

Objective: to obtain a job in collections as a collections agent"

And that was it.

So here's what I emailed the Lovely SexKitten Miss Amanda (even though I knew I would do absolutely NOTHING with her):

"Dear Amanda,
Thank you for your response to my job posting on ______.com. I was just wondering where the rest of your resume is? It looked extremely incomplete and I was curious as to whether or not that is a mistake and you meant to send me something else? 
Also out of curiosity... does "Sxkitten711" in your email address stand for "Sex Kitten? And if it does, I was just wondering how you thought that might be beneficial to your job search?
Regards,
Stephanie N.
Recruiting Director for ____________ "

And then there's this frequently made mistake as of late... where people are putting this junk instead of their name:

I don't know WHERE they are getting this template from (possibly Monster from what I can gather), but I get at least 1 or 2 of these resumes a week. So I finally got fed up with it and emailed this guy in particular to give him an "insider's perspective". This is what I told Mr. Paul (whose name I only know because it was attached to his email address...):

"Dear Paul,
Thank you for applying for the position of ____________ I have posted on _______________.com right now. I am attaching a picture of your resume that I took with my phone after I printed it out and placed it on my desk. Why would I do this you ask? I wanted you to see how the Recruiters and Hiring Managers of the world actually SEE what you are sending out. In a nutshell, unless the name on your birth certificate is "Error! Reference source not found." I think it's time to correct your mistake. My spidey senses tell me you'll have a better shot at actually landing a position that way.
Best,
Stephanie ..."

Did any of these job seekers actually RESPOND to my cheeky emails pointing out their stupid mistakes? 
Nope.

Shits given?
0

Peace out my peeps.

Dear Stephanie- An Advice Column-esque Write Up, Complete With a FUCK YOU to 2012!

Well today is officially the last day of 2012.
And all I have to say to that fact is good fucking riddance.

Oh sure, some of you out there will be all like "Wait! 2012 was like my BEST YEAR EVAH! 2012 was the year I: got married/had a baby/bought my first house/got a new car/reunited with my family" etc etc. Well yippee skippy dippy for you. 

I'm happy for you, really I am. 


Now don't get me wrong, I accomplished a lot of shit in 2012, but seriously, it was painful and like trying to drunk swim in a river of molasses at times. (I've tried it before, so I know of what I speak.)

Work was a bitch and an uphill battle most of the time, construction on the purple box we purchased has been non-stop and we're still living with THIS in the goddamned kitchen area:

Oh ugly 80's fireplace wall, how I LOATHE thee.

2012 also represents the fact that I worked through another pretty big surgery removing a vital body part, I learned to live with not only my regularly "fussy" titanium-laced fused spine, but, just for good measure, I added a neck herniation to the mix.

I also somehow adjusted to being the mother of a high school daughter in Color Guard... which is actually a positive but damn if I didn't learn how to 
a) rearrange my life to her (odd) schedule 
(read- get LITTLE to no sleep) 
and 
b) come to terms with the thousands of dollars I spent pouring gas into my truck to haul her ass back and forth to all her events. (I'm pretty sure I work full time just to be able to afford my teenager.)

I also didn't get to write nearly as much as I'd intended. 

But so what really- I know I've got it good compared to the hundreds of thousands of job seekers in our country, I should just shut the fuck up right? 
Right.

So on that note, I'll stop my bitching and get to the real reason you're all still here- let's send out 2012 with a Smashing Resume Mockery send off, shall we? 

This will be a version similar to Dear Abby, but we'll call it "Dear Stephanie". These are actual emails sent to me directly, or just stupidly included in the job seekers' cover notes. Ready? Ready.
Or as DJ EZ Rock says here "HIT IT!"

"HI STEPHANIE MY NAME IS ERIKA I JUST RECEIVED YOU. IMA INTERESTIED IN LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY BUT ONLY HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH ASPHALT COMPANIES. WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO?"

Dear ERIKA,
I CAN ALMOST SPOT THE INCOMPLETE SENTENCES AND TYPOS YOU'VE SPRAYED ME WITH LIKE THOSE ASPHALT COVERED PARKING LOTS YOU HELP BUILD, BUT I TRUTHFULLY CAN'T GET PAST THE NOISE FROM YOU YELLING AT ME IN ALL CAPS TO HELP YOU. THAT IS ALL.

Yes, this is a pic of women laying asphalt. Leave it to the internetz to have this kind of shit for me to use.

"Dear Stephaanie,
I would be great full if I could meet with you. 
Sincerely,
Jay @bjay69@---"

Dear BJay69,
Does that email address stand for "blow job 69? or Big Jay 69? Because you've definitely intrigued me and I wholeheartedly agree that a meeting between the two of us would be "full of great" as you say. Hit me up on the Craigslist personal ads, yo!
Sincerely, 
Busty Recruiter Chick

"Dear Stephanie Recruiter,
Thanks for taking time to read through my lengthy resume. As you can see, I most recently worked for our wonderful company but got tired of working 40 hours a week so I quit. My husband seems to think this was a mistake, so I'm wanting to pursue a career with ______ Insurance again. Thanks for helping me get back into good hands.
Sincerely,
Lacey"

Dear Lacey,
Well you really BLEW THAT now didn't you? Good luck in divorce court.
Sincerely,
Stephanie Recruiter in Good Hands Land

"Hello Stephanie,
My name is Devin and attached is my most current resume. Just a little bit about myself: I am 26 years old and have a great work ethic. While most 26 year olds are out of work and hanging out on their parents sofas playing Call of Duty, I am not that guy!!!!! I do not hang out and wait till someone literally comes knocking on my door to offer me a job. No sirreee. I am a definite go getter. Times have been slow for me though. I do live with my parents and have found myself on their sofa playing Call of Duty more than I'd like to admit. I need something to fill in my days that I have free. When I have nothing to do that will make me money, I go a little CRAY CRAY if you know what I mean. ;0) I am one money hungry man and looking to just scoop it up. 
Thanks for listening to me, if you're still reading this.
Best!
Devin"

Dear Call of Duty Devin,
Please have your parents take you to get your meds adjusted and like STAT. I've got enough fucking CRAY CRAY in my office as it is, if you know what I mean, wink wink.
Sincerely,
Recruiter Steph/Unlicensed Mental Health Professional

"Dear Stefanie,
I am interested in the position you have posted online but i have a question. Since I'm a full time student I was wondering if you knew the hours that the job has available to work. I go to school 6 days a week and have been searching for a place that can adjust to my schedule. Below is my schedule so you can let me know if the position can accomodate me. Here's the hours I have available to work:
Monday 5:30 pm -7:00 pm
Tuesday 3:30 pm - 6:15 pm
Wednesday 2:30 pm - 3:45 pm
Thursday 3:30 pm - 4:25 pm
Friday 10:15 am - 2:15 pm
Saturday 11:00 am - 1:40 pm
Sunday- I don't want to work on Sundays. That's my only day off.
Oh and my semester ends shortly, so my schedule will be much different next semester. Thanks,
Allen"

Dear Allen,
Thanks for inquiring about the position I posted online. I sure would love to be able to help out an ambitious and flexible young person such as yourself but instead I'll just say FUCK YOU and your ridiculous parameters. 
Best!
Stephanie

"Dear Compassionate Hiring Manager,
I currently have a job that has nothing to do with insurance, but I assure you that I can learn, and fast! One of my life's mottos is "Safety first, be cautious, joyful and loving!"
Thanks so much for your consideration.
Wendy."

Dear Wendy,
Awww that's so sweet. I'm sorry to inform you that you cannot handle the job you are applying for. I'll also save you a lot of world lesson heartache now and simply say this: go play with puppies.
Sincerely,
Compassionate Recruiter Chick

"Hi, this is my resume and my clover letter and one listed reference. please look at it. all. if i'm good for you and the position, please say it to me. and email me back this mail or call me at the number i left on my resume.
-Charlie"


Dear Charlie,
I looked at it. 
All. 
I fear you would not be good for me OR the position in any capacity, so I will say it to you as you so clearly requested- YOU SUCK. I hope this mail method was acceptable to you, and furthermore, I will not be calling the number you left on your shitty resume.
PS I was expecting Clovers and Lucky Charms to be included... thanks for getting my hopes up for NOTHING.
Best of luck to you with your futile job hunt!
Stephanie

"Hi Stephanie,
Thanks for looking at my resume. I really appreciate it. I am a gifted and decisive proven leader that creates and maintains outstanding relationships. I look forward to improving your work environment with my presence.
Regards,
Preston"

Dear Preston,
Congratulations! You are this week's winner of the "Most Over-Blown Description of One's Qualifications" Award! This is a special endowment only bestowed upon the most deserving. And while I'm sure all of your great experience FOLDING CLOTHES AT THE GAP would come in handy at my house, your presence in my work environment would do anything BUT improve it.
Good luck Sunshine!
-Stephanie

"Dare Hiring Person:
I am looking for a part-time or full-time job that will help highlight my strong personality. I currently work as a volunteer at the Parks and Rexs and intend to graduate shortly.
Thanks for ur help,
Joe"

Dare Joe,
As it wasn't indicated on your resume, please send me the name of the school you will be graduating from shortly. I need to call them and tell them they should be ashamed of themselves for giving you a diploma in anything other than stupidity.
Oh, and you're very welcome for the help!
-A Concerned American Citizen

"Dear Stephanie,
I am excited to apply for the highest ranking position I could find listed with your office. I am a very fast learner, so please do not let my lack of experience in your industry disuade you. I ALWAYS finish all of my task. I do not like to leave any untask or activity unfinished, and I can mult-tit-task. I just recently stopped working and really need this job. 
Thanks,
Mariana"

Dear Mariana,
While I appreciate your incredible enthusiasm and interest in my highest ranking position far above your skillset, I think your short time at Jack In the Box speaks against your argument for never leaving any tasks unfinished. There are still fries to be fried. 
PS What is "mult-tit-task"ing? Is that some new way to fry fries? With your tits? Perhaps that's why you recently stopped working. You might want to look into that.
-Stephanie

There really are some things that can't be unseen huh? Sorry 'bout that. Had to do it.

"Dear Recruiter Person,
Hello i am sending this in response to the job posting i saw i feel i posses the characterhistics you are looking for from my previous employers i have gained a lot of costumer service experience and i am a very self motivated individual always thriving for the business i am interested in the job and will be looking forward to hearing from you thanks for yor time.
Paul"

Dear Paul,
Thank you for causing me to weep at my desk. You have been super helpful to me this morning, what with the whole "sending me into a spiral of self-questioning related to my particular career choice of being a recruiter over finishing my degree in English to become a teacher for sorry asses such as yourself" thing. I appreciate the reminder of why I actually drink at night.
Oh, and by the way, THERE ARE NO FUCKING COSTUMES IN INSURANCE. I felt you should know this for all the other insurance-related positions you're about to apply to and get turned down for.
Sincerely,
Alcoholic Recruiter Person

And that's it for now my little chickadees!
If you plan on ripping it up and drinking like a sieve like I will probably do tonight, please do it around people that love you, will only partially make fun of you, and will make sure you get your sweet ass safely to bed without hurting others. 

Oh and as far as 2013... I'm ready, BRING IT BITCH!

My Funny's Broke

I don't tend to get terribly political or bring up current events on this blog.
Do I get lippy?
Yes.
But political or incredibly "debatey"?
No.

The shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School (and let's not forget at the Oregon mall a few days before that) placed me in a funk that I've truthfully tried to override, but have failed... at least behind the lovely lavender walls of the little box I call home. 

I know myself well enough to restrict my television viewing during moments like these, as I tend to dissolve into a puddle of tears while squeezing and slobbering all over my appropriately concerned cat. 

Scrolling through Facebook posts has turned into drudgery and I've actually avoided it for days on end. (And as a quick side bar- to all my Facebook "friends" that put up ridiculous posts about inconsequential things such as "I've lost my phone! I think I might have to kill myself!!" I have this to say to you: FUCK YOU. Do you not even have one fucking OUNCE of SELF-AWARENESS to realize how asinine this is to the rest of the world right now? Who even GIVES A SHIT about how you lost your phone? Adults, and *more importantly* children have DIED. Just for the record: I'm still considering unfriending you.)

To the rest of the world it may appear as if I've gone on to function "normally" (whatever that is), but really, there's some kind of inner turmoil raging inside of me that has to get out. It's as if my "funny's" been broken over the past couple of weeks and I think it's because I have an opinion on this matter and I feel I must share it.

And by share it, I mean share it "here" - otherwise known as my blog domain I rightfully (or theoretically) own.

Even if my opinion is ultimately only read by the 3 people that follow me and the 204 other "fans" in France and the Czech Republic my blog stats keep quoting (wtf?), I feel that perhaps my "funny" will somehow magically become unbroken and I'll be able to make fun of people's resumes once again, in an effort to clean up the lack of employment in our country. That and maybe my point will be heard and somehow, just SOMEHOW, a movement will continue to be pushed in the direction I'm going to talk about.

Now... moving on ...
  

A writer friend of mine that I've affectionately nicknamed "Fog Lifter" posted a relevant article that's been circulating on Facebook, so I wanted to share it with you here, on my blog, in case you haven't seen it. Written by Liza Long, a mother to a special needs child, the article can be found here. Obviously her point is being driven home and hashed and re-hashed by bad journalists a-plenty on our nation's boob toobs day after day, but the concept of mental illness being a raging and widely ignored issue has finally bitten us in the ass. Our country's NEED to open up and run more capable mental health facilities has long been known by yours truly... starting with my several mentally ill (and mostly deceased) family members, then tripping over to my prior job with the State of Nevada Department of Family Services where I worked in a Mental Outpatient Health facility for children and teens... and now, finally, at my recruiter job of all places--- where I see boat loads of resumes from out of work mental health workers EVERY DAMN DAY.

Oodles of potential workers such as MFT's (Marriage & Family Therapists) and LCSW's (Licensed Clinical Social Workers)... Facility and Program Directors... all eligible, highly qualified peeps that should be able to be placed in QUALITY FACILITIES... instead of looking for jobs in insurance because they are starving. Do I call and talk to them? Of course I do! Not only because they are usually great individuals, but also because you never can tell... sometimes our prices can be so shocking to our customers, they can always use a good therapist to talk them off the cliff. (Just KIDDING. Or am I?)

This whole situation is sad to me on multiple levels, but I truly hope our country can turn it around and start meeting the needs of the mentally ill AND the workers that know how to take care of them.

Thanks to my readers (all 3 of you!) for letting me rant (as usual) and getting that off my chest. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some Christmas and Festivus presents to go wrap! 

The Truth About Resume Gap-o-sis

I had a very alarming discussion with a job seeker a few days ago that I wanted to share with you all here.

For all intensive purposes (and even though I can think of about 17 other foul names I'd love to use to identify her) we'll call this gal Desiree.

Desiree had applied to one of the positions I am currently running on a major job board that has some heavy competition as far as applications go. She had some moderately useful skills and experience listed on her 2 page resume, enough at least to pique my interest and want to give her a call to see what she sounds like. 

Yes, you read that right, I call people to see "what they sound like". 
Sometimes after my boss man has looked over a resume, he will even ask me specifically to call people to see what they sound like.
This is common recruiter/hiring manager-speak, because guess what? If you suck on the phone, you're going to suck in person AND you will be useless to us (for most positions I recruit for) if we make the mistake of hiring you.

First off, I should warn you that I was skeptical as to how my conversation with her would go, mainly because she hadn't worked since 2009. It's now the end of 2012... and she hadn't worked since 2009. Desiree has a severe case of what I like to call:

"Resume Gap-o-sis"

This is a sad little affliction that has plagued many a job seeker as of late... and 95% of the time, there's a cure for it. 
For example...
Been a stay-at-home mom or dad?
Been taking care of an elderly relative for awhile? Then LIST IT on your resume so we don't have to wonder if you've been eating bon-bons on the couch for years on end. K? K. 

So without further delay... my conversation with Desiree the Bitch. (Oops, did I say that? Why yes, yes I did.)

Me: Hi, this is Stephanie with _____ Insurance. I’d like to speak to Desiree please.

Desiree: This is her.

Me: Hi Desiree, I’m calling because you responded to my job posting up on _______.com. I have your resume in front of me and I wanted to chat with you for a moment, is this a good time for you?

Desiree: Yeah, it’s fine.

I’m already not liking her “tone”. It’s about 2:15 in the afternoon and she’s acting as if I’m putting her out, OR like I just woke her up. Which is highly possible given the fact that she hasn't worked in 3 years.

Me: So I read over everything and was intrigued by your previous insurance experience as it would appear to line up with the job criteria I outlined in our job posting. I do have a couple of questions for you though if you don’t mind?

Desiree: No, go ahead.

(Side note- she’s said all of nine words to me, NINE, and I already know I’m not going to be recommending her for this position. This chick’s personality on a scale of 1-10 was about a negative 2, with a tinge of "flat".)

Me- in my head: Since this conversation is essentially futile, I’m going to go ahead and start with the harder hitting questions, what the hell…

Me: So I noticed that your last job entry on your resume ended in 2009. What have you been doing since then?

Silence.

Me: Have you been doing any contract work? Or taking care of children or an older family member?

Again... crickets.

I just let the silence sit on top of us, like a brick-laden, uncomfortable weight, which I will do once in awhile, just to see how they handle me.

Finally, Desiree speaks up.

Desiree: Well I’ve been looking for a job. You people don’t know how hard it is to find a job nowadays.

“YOU people?” Oh MY. She didn’t just say that to me, did she? 

Why yes, I think she did.

Me (quickly looking her profile up on Facebook so I could get a face associated to the bitch I was talking to): Well Desiree, I see a lot of resumes all day long and I talk to a LOT of people out of work, so even though I’m PERSONALLY currently employed, I think I have a pretty good picture of what it’s like out there right now.

Desiree (getting even testier with me on the phone): Well I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I spend hours and hours each day combing the job boards and submitting my resume to hundreds of jobs.

She’s telling me I’m just one out of hundreds she applied to? Stupid move. That certainly doesn't make me feel any better about calling her.

She’s also sporting a cowgirl hat in her Facebook profile picture, has her profile open and public for anyone to see, which allows me to read her unprecedented (and not to mention ethically questionable) activity on Facebook. I think little Miss Bitch has been spending hours and hours each day playing on Facebook, not "combing the job boards" as she says.

The journalist in me decided to play with her a little bit more, you know, for research and all.

Me: Well let me ask you some more questions Desiree, maybe I can help place you somewhere. Would that be alright?

Desiree: Yeah, I’ve got nothing better to do right now.

This just keeps getting better and better. 

Somehow I knew it would. 

At this point I'm thinking I need to keep her on the phone for a LOT longer than I originally anticipated as I think she might just hit on ALL the mistakes a job seeker can make, in one foul swoop.

Me: So let’s say you’ve got an irate customer on the phone with you. They’re ticked off because they were billed an extra $2.15 and you’re in charge of calming them down. It’s obviously not a problem that you’ve directly created for them, yet they are acting as if you are personally responsible for ruining their life. How do you handle that situation?

(I already know the answer to this question, (NOT WELL), but I ask a question of this manner to my *less than stellar* candidates I get on the phone just to pretend like I actually CARE what they’re going to say back to me. I don’t even pose this question to the GOOD candidates because if they’re handling ME well on the phone, I know they’ll handle one of our insured customers well too.)

Desiree: Well the first thing I’d do is tell them to calm down. And if they’re cussing at me, I’ll make it clear that I’ll not take such abuse and if they don’t stop, I’ll be forced to hang up the phone.

Me: Uh huh.

Profound, truly profound.

Still waiting for her to say more, I continue to scroll through her Facebook posts. I’m increasingly alarmed. I decide to Google map where she lived, let’s just see what kind of dump and/or mansion she lives in…

Desiree: Are you still there?

Me: Yes, I’m here. Is that all you’d do with them on the phone?

I drop myself into her street and spin my little guy in circles to get a feel for her neighborhood. She lives in a nice condo in a fairly good neighborhood in the same city I’m in. So somebody’s clearly supporting her annoying ass.

Desiree: Well, I guess I’d spend my time trying to unwind the 2 dollars and whatever you said, although I think that would kind of be a waste for my employer, don’t you think? I think it would be better if my employer just paid it for them instead of paying my hourly wage to try and figure it out. Don’t you think that would be the better route to go?

Me: Well that’s kind of the band-aid approach, plus we don’t make a habit out of paying for our customers insurance policies in general. While I get what you’re saying, the better thing to do is to do your best to keep the customer, starting with reassuring them that you’re going to figure out what happened and present them with the correct facts. Then ask your boss’s opinion about it all if necessary, and take it from there. 

(I know I need to get her off this question and get to her list of “demands” as I’m sure she has them if she’s been unemployed for so long.)

Me: So tell me Desiree, are you looking for part-time or full-time?

Desiree: Oh, definitely full-time. I can’t live on part-time.

Of course not.

Unless she’s not being completely forthcoming with me (which is highly probable) and she’s on disability or something, it’s been too long for her to be on unemployment. I would think that someone desperate for a job would be willing to take a part-time position, but what do I know right?

I’m just a person with a job.

Me: Okay, so I’m making notes on your resume here, you need full-time. What hourly wage do you need?

("Making notes on a resume I’m going to be shredding as soon as I hang up with you", I wanted to add. I'd do it sooner but she'd hear the shredder going.)

Desiree: Well that depends. You know, on where the job is. Where is this position that you called me about again?

Me: Well there are several, but none of them are full-time. They are part-time, up to 30 hours a week. I’m just wanting to get an idea from you so that I can make notes for future reference, in case I get a position that might be a good fit for you.

(Side bar- the smart thing for her to do at this point would have been to figure out that 30 hours isn’t THAT far off from 40 hours, and to ask me if any of the positions have the POSSIBILITY of becoming full-time. Did she though? Of course not.)

Desiree:  Well if it’s here in town where I am, then I need to make $60,000 a year. If it’s 20 miles away or more, then I need to make $65,000 a year.

Seriously.

SERIOUSLY?

Now I’ve got a VERY real picture of why this asshat isn’t employed. Her skill set in NO WAY mirrors this income level.

Me: Okay, what else do you want while I’m making notes?

(As long as we’re playing pretend here… may as well make it good!)

Desiree: Well I need medical, and dental. I really could use dental. And I want about 4 weeks off vacation a year as that’s what I had before. I think that’s fair.

Me: Well of course.

Desiree (oblivious to my sarcasm): Yeah, I think that about handles it. And I want to work independently. You know, like to have a boss that doesn’t hover or check in on me to see what I’m doing. That would be ideal.

Me: Yeah, it would, wouldn’t it?

(It’s hard to play on Facebook all day with somebody hovering over you, expecting you to work for that salary they’re paying you.)

Me: Well I think I have everything I need here Desiree. Thanks for talking to me today.

Desiree: So how long do you think before I get a call back? Because I’m tired of looking for a job. It’s getting really ridiculous.

Pffft, ummm... let's see, how about, like... NEVER? And dammit all Desiree, if only you’d handled me differently and tapered down your list of demands, I might have been able to help you..

Do I say this?

Of course not. I want to, but the risk of her stalking me is too strong. 

Me: Well it depends. I never know when our agents are going to be asking for my help with staff placement. Could be tomorrow, could be 6 months from now. It’s really hit and miss.

And when it comes to you, lovely Desiree, we clearly have a swing and a MISS.

Desiree: Oh. Well that’s disappointing.

You bet your bippy it is Sweet Cheeks.

Me (lying): Oh! My other line is ringing Desiree, I’ve got to go. Have a good rest of your day.

Desiree: Okay fine. BYE.

Click.

She actually hung up first!

IDIOT.

SHRED.

The moral of the story here my little chickadees is this... don't do ANY of the crap Desiree did. K? K.

Peace out!