Objectives: How They'll Kill Your Chances in 2.5 Seconds Flat

I know, I know. 
I've talked about Objectives before. Like here as just one example, just in case you missed out.

Apparently it bears repeating as I can't seem to shake Bad Objectives. They're like a bad camel toe on a tacky redneck ho at the local watering hole. They're freaking EVERYWHERE. Probably on 90% of the resumes I view on a daily basis. And it's a shame, it's a crying shame. 

So here's this week's compilation so far. 
(And it's only FREAKING Wednesday.)

Keep in mind that I recruit for an INSURANCE COMPANY. For INSURANCE RELATED POSITIONS.

Objective: 
"To secure a property management position..."
(And I can help you with that exactly how?)

"To land a position as an Enrollment Counselor with the University Support Services"
(Ummm sorry, can't help you.)

"To work on an oil rig"
(Now you, I can totally hook you right up with that. I'll just take you out on my sailboat and throw your stupid ass overboard as we round the platform.)

"To be a dental assitant" 
(You should probably learn to spell it first.)

"My objective is to be a teacher" 
(This one was followed by a "When should I come in?" Ummm how about NEVER bitch.)

"I want to be a Java Developer person"
(How nice for you.)

"To employ my knwoledge and experience with the intention of securing a job with the LAPD"
(Well of course, this makes perfect sense. Oh and don't worry about spelling, just wield your gun in a controlling and scary manner. That'll handle any questions regarding your IQ.)

"To obtain a challenging position in the diverse area of land organics"
(WTF is that?)

"To be a secret agant" 
(There's so many different directions I could go with this one...)

"To be the best scareactor I can be"
(Head down to the 170, exit at Cahuenga Blvd, and head up to Universal Studios Drive. Moron.)

"To use my affable personality to win over my soon to be employer at Walmart"
(Affable? OOOO big word! You deserve better than Walmart... seriously you jovial and gregarious SOB.)

"To apply my Mangement Science degree to where I lice in Ventura county" (Where you LICE? BAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, and nice to see you managed to get a degree and you can't even SPELL IT RIGHT.)

"To acquire new skills in helping others with their academic career." 
(? I don't even know what to say to this...)

And the winner of the last 3 days goes to:
"Objective: When i was three years old thats when my life changed. it was the very first time I played a video game. i immeditly became fascinated with japanese animation i want to own an animation company shortly to relive my childhood. Also, i like people. people that play video games"
(I have no words. Total loss for words.)

Oh wait, I'm suddenly full of words again:

Umm HELLO MCFLY?? How fucking stupid can you be? 

I mean SERIOUSLY people. This is the easiest thing to fix on your resume, just TAKE IT OFF.
(And I don't mean your clothes, cuz yeah, I've gotten photos of people that appear to be missing their clothes sitting at the top of their resumes. THAT is NOT going to win you any brownie points either, just for the record... the only thing that will do is engage my gag reflex.)

So you know what I did with all of those resumes? 
Chucked them. 
Why? 
Because I (read: us recruiters, HR people and hiring managers) have NO patience for this crap. If you can't take the time to adjust your resume to MY particular job posting? I won't take the time to read the rest of your damn resume. 
It's give and take here people. 
Simple as that.

It takes me all of 2.5 seconds (if that) to get that far down on the page and then you're outta-here's-ville. 

So a nice high five goes out to all the freaking douchecanoes and asshats that submitted their resumes to me in the last 3 days with Objectives. Good job! 

OOO wait! I have a better one!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some vodka that needs drinking as it will help me forget about your silly Objective ways. 

Peace out my peeps.