It's Crazy Resume O'Clock!

It would seem as if most of my posts as of late have started out with "Sorry I've been gone so long..." etc. 

Alas, it is true once again, I've been gone a bit, and for that I hang my head in shame and humbly apologize to all my faithful readers. 

People have been actually emailing me and saying "WTH? Where did you go? Are you alive? I am worried." and so on. 
One reader even sent me this adorable pic she was so concerned:

(Thank you Miss T!)

You have no idea how happy it makes me when people are fretful that this ridiculous blog might forever be abandoned. 
It's truly flattering that I'm missed. 
So thanks to all of you that have been concerned and because of that, I feel as if I should explain what I've been up to. 

The truth is, it would seem as if I have an ax planted in the left side of my neck, or at least what feels like about half an ax tip, as I have a herniation in my neck that's driving me BATTY. 
I walk around feeling like a newborn infant in an extreme amount of pain, unable to hold her head up properly. (For the record, if I were actually a newborn, I'd be a newborn on crack, with colic and some serious teething issues.) 

If you've never had a herniation in your neck then really, you're missing out. It makes life oh, how shall I say...? 

Shitty.

That's the best adjective I can come up with. 

Things become "less funny" when you have a chronic pain health situation, so being a writer of "funny" (or so I've been told I am) makes things a little challenging. Fortunately I've been squirreling away the stupid resume examples I knew I would want to write about because *at some point* I figured I would get better and I'd actually be able to hold my head up without crying, wearing an ice pack around my neck like a scarf, or being hopped up on narcotics.

Seeing as how I have an extensive history with spine issues (including multiple back surgeries and a spinal fusion 7 years ago), I'm rather versed in what would need to go down to make me better. Just to be sure as to what was going on, I checked with my back and spine doc, who had me endure a 2 hour neck and spine MRI/CAT scan session that could have sent me into therapy just by itself. 

Don't believe me and think I'm being overly dramatic about an MRI session? Try not being allowed to swallow for 5-8 minutes at a time while being heavily nauseated from the contrast dye they injected in you because you're already riddled with metal, all the while being trapped inside a gigantic smelly tube with a mask 1" from your face... you start to get a little panicky while trying to convince yourself you're not going to drown in your own spit. 

The whole session was "tainted" by the fact that about 30 minutes in I realized I REALLY had to pee and they wouldn't let me because they said we'd have to start completely over (oh hell to the no!). What made it even worse (as if that were possible) was the fact that they were piping relaxing nature sounds through my headphones in an effort to try and calm me down... nature sounds with lots of rushing water. When I had to pee. IDIOTS.

*Sigh.*

Upon perusal of the 7 pounds of heavy MRI films I carried into my doctor's office about a week later, it would seem as if I had indeed hurt myself and needed to be fused again. More fusing?
This is not something I want to go through anytime soon, so I told him unless I have complete paralysis of my upper extremities or spine itself, I was just going to "endure".

Easier said than done.

I had been managing the pain fairly well as my part-time, working from home set up allowed me to lay down briefly in the afternoon if needed. But as Murphy and his mocking-me law would have it, my afternoon replacement gal up and quit and boss man asked me to come back full time. I told him I needed to chew on it for a few days, but ultimately decided I didn't REALLY want to have to go through all the effort of finding another "Afternoon-Stephanie-Replacement" person, and then train him or her, only to have them possibly quit shortly thereafter. I also knew my teenage daughter was more settled with her school and heavily involved Color Guard schedule... what the hell, I'd give it a whirl. 

The first day I felt like a truck ran me over.
The second, I wanted to jump off the balcony of our 3rd story building at work.
By the third day, I was an all out bitch on wheels.

I knew something needed to be done, something that didn't involve fusing... something less "Western-medicine-esque". So for 2 weeks now I have been doing laser light therapy which basically entails shooting some specific, high powered wave length of light through my problem areas in the hopes of speeding up cell regeneration.  And guess what? 
It seems to be working!  
While the immediate hours after the treatments have been pretty awful, and I'm not completely pain free, I've got it down to about a 2-3 on the 1-10 pain scale. Without ANY pain meds, even Advil. 
Yahoo!
This is huge.

So guess what that means?
I'm back in the saddle baby!
Time to bring on the resume funny!
You just endured reading all that (my hat is off to you for THAT!) so let's just jump in, shall we?

Here's what I've compiled in my trusty pink folder while you were all so patiently waiting... 

From Marvin- under his "Career Overview":
"In my past jobs I have qualified for a manager position which I completed thoroughly while thriving on the greatness and honesty I portray even while I am sleeping..."

From Shirley- under her "Skill Highlights" section:
"Have excellent filling skills."
(As in teeth? No... she is not in the dental field...)

From Rod- under his "Core Accomplishments" portion:
"I can calm down ALL customers while keeping them as a client. I enjoy telling them what to do and how to breathe to settle their nerves."

From Seda- in her initial email to me along with her resume:
"i'm a great worker and i interact with different people and personalities very well, despite their grumpiness. I just NEED THIS OPPORTUNITY!!!"

From Vanessa- in an email to me accompanying her equally confusing resume:
"I thank you for looking at my resume as it shows me there is great interest in me as a potential person with what i have to offer. i do reside in Northridge, and i currently have my life and accidental health (pending). i've been waiting for several months for my license and i don't know why it is taking so long to get it. Based on the financial world i would rather work on base as i am knowledgable in life, a great people person, and this industry hasn't been in my favor because my pending license and i have yet to see any one change in it, so it does effect my financial interest and assistant pending industry career. i do thank you for your time and appreciate that there is interest in me as a potential person with what i have to offer."

Cindy put this as one of her strengths:
"Very analytic to help notice my strong week points."

Mark said that he's "Talented in design anguls of communications."

Rebecca put this and ONLY this under her specific job description as an admin:
"Accomplished understanding how to use new technology to create a PDF."

Jonathan thought it important to highlight this crap, otherwise known as his hobby:
"Record and write lyrics based on my life experience to give different perspectives to other people, that may not have had those perspectives or experiences, themselves, before."

Jack wanted to be sure to put this under his volunteer service section: "Played basketball on my lunch break."
He also felt it necessary to point out that he "Swept sand in parking lot while it rained."

Nathan put:
"I have the keen ability to satisfy a customer, if you know what I mean."

Anthony (who currently works at a PIZZA HUT in GUAM I might add) emailed me this little diddy:
"I would like to be interested in your offer but I was told you would need a woman."

I was laughing so hard, my boss man came in my office to see if I was okay- when I showed it to him he said in his normal, non-PC kind of way "Why don't you write him back and say "it looks like YOU need a woman." 

Calm down boys, she's not even real ;0)

And last, my most favoritist one of the bunch lately, from Caroline, who sent me this lovely message along with her resume:
"As I am currently in Copenhagen, I would be happy to move as soon as i am guaranteed the position. In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you could please pay for my travel expenses to fly in for an interview."
You read that right- she's in COPENHAGEN. As in DENMARK. And she wants us to foot the bill for her to fly over here for an interview.

It took everything in me not to write her back and say "Does this ever work? How many cool places have you gotten to travel to utilizing this method?"

Gah.

Peace out my peeps!