Tap tap tap! IS THIS THING ON??

Hi there!
I've been gone awhile.

Like 6-ish months, according to my elementary-school level counting skills.

Gone for good reason though, and without going into any gory details nobody deserves to be subjected to, I'll just say one word: DIVORCE.


For those of you that have been through the lovely fucking process of divorce, I'm betting you'd all agree with me that getting a divorce is like taking a gigantic crap- it's super painful and awful while it's happening but what a RELIEF when it's over. 
Am I right?

What's possibly scarier than that word, however, is the fact that I've moved twice since the divorce was decided. 
MOVED. 
TWICE. 

(How many of you just shuddered?)
(And furthermore, who the fuck puts a HAPPY FACE on a dude that's moving?!? The people who draw clip art for moving have CLEARLY never moved before...)

So needless to say, I've been dealing with some CRAP. Please forgive me for my absence though, and I truly appreciate those of you that have written me privately to see if I ran away to Sweden or somewhere fabulous. (Pfft. I wish.)

What matters now is that I'm back and have lots to share. 
The question is, where to start? 
How to get back up on the horse?

If you saw the pile of lame resumes spread out all over my bed just now and heard the conversation I had with my cat about how to make any sense out of them (yes, seriously, and shut up), it's a bit overwhelming. 

A few stellar examples that I've been truly looking forward to *showcasing* have been floating around in my head for months now and I'm even dreaming about them. I've had so many "brilliant" ideas about how to compose my postings in my sleep, I've actually trained myself to wake up in the middle of the night and write them down. 

But I just read over some of those notes and am having second thoughts.

Here's one I just found:

"All sub-par candidates will be placed in the crisper."

Because this makes sense at 3am.

I've wisely (ahem) tossed my ~middle of the night notes~ and decided instead I'll get back into the groove with 3 basic categories people screw up in the land of resumes.

They are:

1. Egos: Don't over-inflate yours, genius
2. Objectives: Nobody wants to hear it
3. Corresponding: Proofread that shit

(Disclaimer- those of you new here should go and read the "About Me" section where I talk about how I don't make this shit up. Because I don't.
Because I'm not that creative. 
(Crisper idea = evidence of this fact.)
These are real examples, WORD FOR WORD of resumes or emails attached to resumes that have been personally sent to moi.)

1. Egos- Don't over-inflate yours, genius

a. "I have all the qualifications you are looking for for this high ranking position. I'm sure you will be very pleased with what you see, just sure of it."

Don't ever say this, EVER. This particular candidate cleaned koi ponds for a living. And not that I have anything against koi pond cleaners in the world (as we need them!) but if I'm recruiting for INSURANCE POSITIONS, you're a fucking moron for saying this to me.

b. "My character has a passion to constantly desire additinoal tasks instilling senses of trust and reliance. My SUPERB communication skills have molded me into an amazing writer, speaker, and genuine person."

Superb typo skills and non-sensical, head-scratching bullshit = exactly what I'm looking for! Score!


c. "I am highly willed and able to juggle and coordinate, and line up and handle things to the finest degree."

Anyone else feel like they just entered a circus tent?

d. "Hello. I don't want the job you are advertising but I would entertain any of these instead:
Project Manager
Project Coordinator
Project Associate
Marketing Manager
Marketing Coordinator
Marketing Associate
Contracts Administrator
Contracts Manager
Senior Business Analyst
Senior Business Systems Analyst
Systems Analyst
Knowledge Management Manager/Director/Architect
Social Media Manager
Social Media Analyst
Social Media Coordinator
Technical Writer
Event Planner
If you have any of these above available positions specifically in the Los Angeles or Orange County areas, please forward me the job descriptions, then use my resume to apply to them. Thanks."

FUCK YOU.

e. (This email was directed at my boss but sent to me): "I can see by your last name that you are Armenian. That means you're a great person. I know a lot of Armenians. Take for example, my wife."

No words.

          2. Objectives: Nobody wants to hear it

a. "Objective: I am currently seeking a degree in Kinsiology but until that time, my objective is to earn money so I can get through school."

You better earn a LOT because I can tell it's going to take you awhile just to figure out how to spell your major.

b. "Objective: I want to work in a fun environment that enhances my life and promotes growth within me."

Ummm...

c. "Objective: To make good money and have a great career."

5 gold stars goes to this job seeker for honesty. 

d. "Objective: Too obtain a position with my physical and mental skills to work with the people of the public."

Yikes.

e. "Objective: Looking for a new adventure could be part time early mornings or evenings only!"

Seriously.

f. "Objective: I need a work for computer technician as I am replacing pc and laptop components"

So many different directions I could go on this one. 

g. "Objective: to eagerly submit my application for your open position."

Alrighty then. That was certainly worth the valuable space it took up on the resume. 

h. "Objective: The adequate answer to my placement objective will simply be to brighten my knowledge, and work-well."

I think I need to use the phrase "brighten my knowledge" more often. I've really been missing the boat on that opportunity. 

i. "Objective: To interact with and mold children to be productive citizens in society through probation."

Children have to be molded through probation? Did I miss something? Apparently I've been doing this parenting thing all wrong. My teenager will be thrilled to know there will be new procedures in the house.

j. "Objective: To obtain a position of an engineer-specialist in the field of engineering. And to realize and increase the experience."

Well obviously the problem here is clear- this one's an engineer. 

k. "Objective: to find the right job that fits me."

Amen brother!

l. "Objective: to apply the many skills I currently have. I also seek to acquire new ones."

You can dooooo eeeeetttt!!!

z. "Objective: to be stimulated."

 Well don't look at me! I'm not doing it!

3. Corresponding- Proofread that shit

a. "I am a 16-year old middle school teacher who is lookign for summer work. I am looking for as many hours as I can get over the suimmer."

Please tell me where you are working during the skool year so I can warn the other parents.


b. "I am interested to come in for an interview ass soon as possible."

Bahahahaha! Yes, I'm so immature, I still laugh at this one that happens at least once a week.


c. "I am most definitely interested in this position. Feel free to contact me any time. My phone number is 805-555-1234, feel free to leave messages."

How many will I have to leave? This sounds exhausting.


d. (This guy emailed me after I sent him directions):
"Greetings. I got the massage."

I then had to forward it to my boss because I thought it was so funny. 

Here's what he said:

"What you are you promising them now???" 

Until next time my little chickadees (which I promise will be sooner!), peace out!

Wanna get noticed? Say this crap.

Wondering what you should say to recruiters, HR peeps, hiring managers and the like while job hunting?

How about any of these handy dandy examples?

They'll get you noticed for sho':

"I am very analytic to help notice my strong weak points."

"I am talented in design angles of communications."

"I thrive on greatness."

"I would like to be interested in your offer but wasn't I told you would need a woman."

"I believe that my mathematical and algebraic, flexible, computer and fantastic determined skills can bring to your company what your company is looking for."

"I know I'd be able to show you the skills I'd learn in 64 hours of training to show you the benefits of hiring me and my incredible self-confidence."

"I have amazing participation skills."

"My goof friend's father sold insurance, so I feel I know a lot of stuff about insurance."

"I'm 6'3" tall so I can do most things."

"I am seeking a job position that may finally offer me for an interview."

"I've been unemployed and I know a long break but I highly go back to work to me happy and whole."

"I am really interested in this job. Please give me a call to schedule an interview for Tuesday and Tuesday only."

"I have did EVERY POSSIBLE computer and office function."

"Although I am not a teacher, I have spoken English my whole life."

"I've gained numerous knowledge for your position while doing worm farming."

"I think my experience with tig welding will apply well to this job."

"Well I am just a black and white person who loves people and walks the line in life."

"Money is a NEED not a luxury for me!"

"If this is an emergency situation and you need to get in touch with me you can rich me at this number..."

"I'm very hesistant about insurance but I'm applying anyway."

"My objective is to expand myself and gain life long Partners."

"I'm a highly candidate that can more than fulfill your advertised open position."

"I am a high person ready to overcome and goals for my future."

"Thank you for replaying back my resume."

"My intereset in persuring in a field is growing in knowledge and will to severence."

"I am a very trust wordy employee."

"I am looking to interview ass soon as possible."

and last but certainly not least:

"I have basic-intermediate knowledge of wines because I drink a lot of it."

Until next time, peace out my peeps!

!!*!????*!

Alright, let's just dive in, shall we?

The past few weeks' idiot submissions were stellar I tell you... stellar!

From James:

"Hey Stephanie, sorry it took me so long to get back to you I've had some car trouble this past week."

And that infringes on one's ability to check email how exactly?

From Jerry, who sent this message along with his equally, "legally" confusing resume:

"Per a written notice received via electrical means on March 22nd, 2013, this is in reply to a solicitation to become part of the ____ Insurance Corporation as a full time employee.

Under this assumption that this request is correct, this writer is hereby submitting a WORD document file of a professional credential report listing aspects that is connected to this applicant. This report is to be used for submission for the purposes of being an employee within the _____ Insurance Corporation structure in a position or category that is suitable for the applicant's skills and desires.

Additional credentials can be supplied to the parties in question upon written reply."

WTF? Just WTF is that??

From Mitchell:

"Please copy my work email as I read those emails first. It's mitchell@
imanidiotforusingmyworkemailaddresstofindajob.duh"

From Ashley:

"I have an incomparable ability to institute instant relationships with people based on stupendous communication proficiency."
!

From Adam:

"My active experience and sharpened skills imbibed through quality education can produce MIRACULOUS results. My diligence and integrity can benefit the company and the customer rapport can be BEYOND BELIEF!"

Oh Adam, I'm sure there are a few things about you that are "BEYOND BELIEF".

From Jason:

"Customer service rep- Company: Unknown."

Really? Just... really!?*?!?

From Laurie:

"I prepair food and degrease the drive thru platform thingy."

From Sandra:

"I get well with others"

From Charlene:

"Owner of a hair salon. Experinced in mixing colors and aplicating to heads."

Dear Charlene- not only are you not getting a call for the job I've posted, but you are also *never* touching my head.

From Renzi:

"Hi Steph,
Interested to know more about this job. Please contact me at 805-555-1212 and leave a message. I will gladly show up for a seminar with you. Leave information of your available schedule, give me a post of calendar of events you have. Perhaps just leave the details through email."

So... I have to suddenly conjure up and run a seminar for you?
And perhaps you might just want to quit bossing me around with your "contact me this way or contact me that way" bipolar tendencies.

From Shane:

"I would pack 10-55 punds of cheese at a faced pace onto line belt to get Sherrded into little pieces."

From Alana:

"Attached is my resume for working with your company. I will be available shortly.
PS My phone number is on vacation right now because I'm overseas."

BAHAHAHAHA!!

From Teresa:

"Technical Skills: IBM Selectric III typewriter"

Well if I had a time machine to transport us back to 1983, we'd be all set now wouldn't we Teresa?

From Brenda:

"I have long-desired a position close to home with a stable company that provides me excellent benefits. I also want to be provided with potential for advancement and afforded the opportunity to better utilize my under-utilized, amazing skills."

Well you're just going to be "long-desiring" that position until the end of the world with that attitude Miss Brenda.

From Brenda's equally selfish twin, Vanessa (who works at the GAP mind you):

"Hi Stephanie, I am interested to see what your office has to offer me."

From Joshua:

"this is my most recent resume copy.......... let me know if your still intressted."

Dear dear Joshua. Please don't lead with your "prepare to be disappointed plus I can't spell for crap" foot. 

From Arnold:

"For family issues I traveled back to Argentina three weeks ago, I think back to US in August/September/October and expect to meet with you then."

Wow Arnold. It's rather presumptuous of you to just assume we will magically hold this position for you. Dip. 

From Bill:
A TWENTYFUCKINGFOUR PAGE RESUME that ended with this statement, rendering me incredulous:

"I hope this brief statement gives you an idea about my experience and background."

WTF is BRIEF about a 24 page resume?!?? 

From Joe:

"Teaching and giving advice to me was like a ball to a soccer player."

What? 

From Allison:

"I have always been good at managing my family during the Great Recession".

The Great Recession? Is this a new catch phrase I was unaware of?

And last but not least, one of my all time FAVES... drum roll please... from David:

"Hello Miss Stephanie. My name is David. First of all I am really am greatful am thankful for you to take your time to email me. I am speechless and I couldn't say a word right now. My mind is thinking that I should go for this and give it a shot and this job would mean alot to me and my parents. I really want to thank you for emailing me. I am really need to think this over and need to talk it over with my parents. I am interested in this job. I am a hard worker. I never thought of becoming a business person but I am interested to work in this company and I am truly greatful you emailed me. I am crying in my room when I got this email. I have goosebumps in my skin, I am really excited. I will talk to my parents and what they think."

Aww David...I feel compelled to hug you and then take you immediately to the doctor for meds. We'd of course have to check with your parents first.

A hearty thank you to the above useless job seekers for inflicting me with mood poisoning. 

Until next time, peace out my peeps!

It's Time for Some Show and Tell

Remember when you were in elementary school, and your teacher had designated a special day of the week for show and tell? 

Come on now, if you're as old as me, it will be a stretch to go back that far (the cobwebs muddling up my brain are a bitch most days...) but seriously, it was one of the most exciting days to go to school.

(That and seeing the film cart roll into the class- yes, I'm old enough to remember actual films, not just VCRs. OOO and the funnest part was at the end when we'd all chant for the teacher to run the film backwards so we could see it on the screen, SO FUNNY!)

Boy that was a tangent. 

Back to my point: show and tell.

I brought in a dinosaur bone once. Or what I was wholeheartedly, unequivocally, unswervingly convinced was a dinosaur bone that we'd dug up in my backyard during the process of dad installing his massive sky scraper of a ham radio tower on the side of the house. (Yes, mom was THRILLED.)

I proudly passed it around the class, proclaiming it was a pterodactyl bone, only because that's really the only dinosaur name I could bring to my immediate small mind at the time. 

(Jurassic Park hadn't come out yet people.)

My cool teacher, Mrs. Daley, looked at the bone a bit skeptically, but ultimately let me take the credit for it, and smartly turned it into a lively classroom discussion over the many mysteries of the Mesozoic Era.

Today is show and tell here on my blog boys and girls.

I know I've posted some random pics of the copies of people doing stupid shit on their resumes before, but these past few weeks I've been so appalled at what has come in by the droves, I started snapping pics at my desk. I have still maintained the innocence of the asshats/douchecanoes/twatwaffles by blurring out their private info of course, cuz I'm cool like that.

Enjoy.

How many things are wrong here my faithful, blog-reading peeps?

I'll tell you how many:

Interests- nobody gives a shit unless it directly relates to the job you are applying for. So unless this idiot is specifically going to museums solely displaying natural disaster relics... it correlates to insurance how exactly?

"Refrences"- don't belong on a resume. Period. They belong on a separate sheet and are given out ONLY when requested by potential employers. 

Oh, and spell the fucking word right while you're at it.

"Memebership of Professional..." - that must be SOME professional group, that's all I have to say to that one.

OY could I pick this apart. But mainly have to say this:

HEY MORON... I don't work for the Beverly Hilton Hotel. You can take your desire to be a Group/Coordinator/Reservation Supervisor and stick it where the sun don't shine.

"Objective: With conviction, my objection is to build and establish a social network."

What. The. Fuck.

You are against the Book of Face? 

I don't get it.

Well aren't you special Sunshine?

I love how the horses and dogs are an afterthought. 

Oh, AND their own sentence.

On a resume.

Also the fact that she owned a home or two?

Astounding.

"Dealt with patty cash"?

Is this what patrons of the Krusty Krab should use to pay for their meal?

Look closely at this one my friends...

"...before and after shit." 
Ummm really? Just REALLY?? 
Perhaps another set of eyeballs could have pointed out how to correctly spell the word "shift".

Oh yummy... a hair scanned onto a resume.
Every recruiter loves it when this happens. 

Also? I'm sure PIERCE college would be proud to know that this certain somebody I'll just call "Richard Cranium" attended their school and couldn't even come away with the ability to spell it correctly.


And last, but certainly not least... 

The subliminal-ness of this subliminal message, is not very subliminal.

The jackass has clearly been watching too much Pinky and the Brain. (Watch a clip of Pinky and sidekick here for kicks.)

Until next time my little chickadees, peace out and NARF!!

Who's Crazier? Seriously.

Warning: this posting has nothing to do with resumes. NOTHING.

Will you enjoy it anyway?
You bet your sweet bippy you will!

So! On with the show. 

I live in a moderately sized town in Southern California 

called Simi Valley. 

Nestled approximately 1/2 way between Santa Barbara and Los Angeles, (well not really, but that's for you out of towners that usually have no clue where anything but those 2 cities are..), Simi boasts a population of approximately 126,874 people (give or take a few babies that were born in the time it took me to compose this blog piece), and used to be ranked as one of the top safest cities in the country.

Here's a lovely map for no real further clarification purposes:

See? Between Santa Barbara & LA. The green hokey map don't lie.

I grew up in Simi, in what is affectionately called "The Texas Tract" around these here parts. (Yeah, it's just a bunch of streets named after cities from Texas. Shocking I know).

Just like any hometown, bad things happen here:

Something very sad/bad happened here.

Also, ironically being featured today on Dr. Phil... Simi's massive heroin problem:

 http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/1980, 

Why yes, this qualifies as another bad thing... yikes-a-hooty!

Some good things happen here too though:

Ahhh the sweet smiles of newly wedded bliss. Just try to remember how much joy you were feeling at this moment, in the rolling hills of Simi Valley, the next time you glance up and see your Handsome Groom sitting on the sofa scratching his beer belly and playing video games, oh Beautiful Bride.

Simi Valley is also known for a few things. 

We house the ever cool (regardless your political affiliation yo!) Ronald Reagan Library:

...which houses Air Force One:

which is truly breathtaking by the way

and also uber cool because you get to tour INSIDE it as well. I assure you, y'all would be shocked as to how small the actual insides are.

We were the chosen venue for the court case of Rodney King...

And no, the conservative folk of our town were NOT happy about this going on.
Like at ALL. I remember it well.

we have 1 strip club named "Snooky's" 

the whole town knows about...

I think a better name for a strip club would be "Plan B"... as in "picking up a real woman to get naked for you is Plan A... if that fails, on to Plan B." 

and bad fires... don't get me started about the bad fires 

we get out here...

Yes, this melted sign is real people. Totally NOT photo-shopped. 

But as of one fateful day back in October of 2011, Simi suddenly had something new to be known for: 

Minnie the Missing Chihuahua.

So this is Minnie, Pre-Coyote-Dung-Stage:

"Awww she'z so cute!" I know right?

I've blogged BITCHED AND MOANED about Minnie before. I scream about it on the Book of Face so much, my friends have come to specifically think of me for 3 topics: Sailing, Resumes, and Minnie the Missing Chihuahua. 

I'm not kidding. People post pics of the sign holders on my wall all the time to complain, and if they see me in person they'll say "Oh that's funny! I just saw one of those "Minnie's Missing" sign trucks go by and thought of you!"

Gah.

Don't believe me? Here are some pics I've snapped, my friends have snapped, and random strangers have snapped and sent to me:

This is one of the original signs from back in the day.

And another.

And this is the latest and greatest one... held everyday by the
 used-to-be Domino's Pizza sign holder Hispanic dude with a gnarly mustache
that waves his hand at you funny as you drive by, I suppose to get your attention?
As if we didn't actually KNOW about this missing dog? Pull-lease.

My original blogging bitch session is here in case you're new to my site.

The gist of the story is this:

Some small 3 pound coyote snick-snack, overly loved by her rich husband-wife-twat-waffle owners disappeared on 10/9/11. 

This husband-wife-say the new word with me my little chickees: ~TWAT-WAFFLE~ owners are doctors. 

(Whom I will never freakin' EVER support by the way. Even if I were dying and they had the only known cure to whatever I was dying from. Even IF.)

The minute she went missing, the rich and wasteful doctors kicked their lunacy into high gear and bombarded the entire town with hundreds of fliers in bags on driveways with rocks to hold them down, stuck signs to poles lining the entire west end of the valley, put sign holders on multiple corners at all hours of the day, and talked people into driving their vehicles around with Tyrannosaurus Rex sized banners and door magnets bearing Minnie's pic.

 It's Fudiculous. With a capital "F".

This whole entire epidemic has become a running joke in Simi. 

Should you ever come here to visit (although I don't necessarily know WHY you would, except to score some heroin now that you've seen Dr. Phil's show) and nothing readily comes to mind to speak to the natives about, just ask:

"So! What do you think REALLY happened to Minnie?" 

You'll get answers like "It's an elaborate hoax, it's Simi Valley's version of the Truman show" or "Coyote Dung!" etc. 

Whatever they say, they will IMMEDIATELY slam into gear and want to talk about it. Not one person I've talked to at grocery stores, gas stations, or retail shops (cuz yes, I'm a freak like that and will just talk to random strangers-don't judge) has even been *slightly* on the side of the nutcase owners, who've shelled out more money than the Gross National Product of Portugal to obsessively advertise for the lost, fur-laden cause. 

It's the most insane-in-the-membrane campaign. 

While I appreciate the opportunity for our local printers and sign makers and holders to make some money, 

SERI-FUCKING-OUSLY. PEOPLE.

Put the signs away, stop badgering the poor citizens of our city with your bullshit, and GET A GRIP.

Why yes, Bunny O'Rage, I share your hatred for Minnie's owners.

And so setting that case aside for a moment, let's examine another kind of cray-cray... exclusively relegated to Simi Valley.

Not as many people know about this particular freak show as he's on a side residential street on my path to work, in a neighborhood not many people dare to venture to. 

For FIVE YEARS I have driven by this anomaly of a man, who has the facial structure of Waldorf from the Muppets when he turns around to startle the passers by:

Yes, just like the dude on the right. Only with creepier eyes.

Are you ready for it?

Are you SURE?????

I'm not sure you are. 

Really, I'm not.

I think this is possibly a one-of-a-kind situation. 

For reals.

So I'm using all this blather to be a cliff hanger, is it working?

Oh alright, I guess you're as ready as you'll ever be.

I present to you, Crazy Dirt Boy:

This man walking poster child of mental illness piles, wets, rearranges, moves, constructs, dirt. And then he grows helpless, terror stricken plants in it. 

By the way, his legs aren't exceptionally short (he's actually quite tall), he was just DOWN IN A FUCKING HOLE he'd dug when I snapped this pic.

Here's another one for good measure:

WTF???

Let me just say these few things about this particular situation:

1. The amount of water he wastes is epic and tragic. I'm assuming he can't afford a better house simply because his water bills are astronomically high. That and he has no time for a job, cuz THIS shit fest is what he DOES.. which leads me to #2:

2. He's out there ALL DAY LONG. I'm talking from sun up to sun down. Think of the actual worthy projects that would benefit if somebody could just figure out how to *safely harness* that energy and effort. Mind blowing.

3. He needs help. I see him driving around and even ran into him (literally, turned around and bumped into him) at the gas station last year. 

Yes, it was shocking. 

Yes, he smelled of dirt and stench.

Yes, his face is scarier in person.

Yes, it took everything in me to remain calm and not run for my life.

But seriously, he's OUT DRIVING AROUND, like an everyday,  ho-hum Simi Valley Citizen. 

I used to work in a mental health outpatient facility and this dude would have been labeled a Defcon level 1 situation. How can we get him into a facility that can take care of him?

4. What must the backyard look like? Oh sweet baby Jebus. Just let that one sink in for a minute. Where do you think all that dirt came from? I'm supposing he's either stealing it from other neighbors' yards, OR he's getting it from the back yard. I'm betting there's an ACTUAL tunnel to China back there. Also? Dead bodies not resting in peace under constantly restructured mounds with terrified plants growing out of them.

5. Tell me people... does this situation not remind you of this?:

OMG! What if he watches Days of Our Lives too?  AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

So, in closing, I ask you, who's crazier my chickadees?

Minnie's owners?

Or Crazy Dirt Boy?

Maybe it's all the heroin. 

That's gotta be it.

Peace out my peeps!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy

Well I know I've disappeared for awhile here ... and I wasn't going to say anything about it or point it out ... was just going to carry on as if I hadn't skipped a beat or been missing at all, but a lot of you have noticed and have been concerned enough to contact me through the 16 (yes I counted) creative ways to get a hold of me to ask me "WTF?!? Where did you go? I NEED TO LAUGH" etc.

So thank you, those of you that claimed I'm missed. 

You made me feel *super special*, almost like a minor D rated celebrity for half a second there, but your message has been received, loud and clear. 

I need to keep writing, not only to make you poor saps laugh but to help me keep my sanity.

It's been exactly 30 days since I last blogged. 
30!

That's an epic number for me considering a couple of years ago I posted almost EVERY SINGLE DAY.

So WTF could be going on that's been keeping my attention from blogging you might ask? 

Well here's a list of some of the things I've managed to accomplish while I've been away.

Since I'm a jokester and the court jester for most of the hours that make up my typical day, these accomplishments/distractions may or may NOT be true, so I'll just let you speculate which ones are accurate:

I've been over-run with resume orders. 
I've been secretly writing a book.
I'm knee deep in an office move at my insurance job.
There's construction going on at my house.
I have a teenager that needs a kick in her ass more often than usual lately.
I got a tattoo.
I went on a drinking binge.
I had some "work" done.
I have 3 new boyfriends. Oh, and the usual husband.

Out of all the *possible* made up scenarios, that last one seems to be kicking my ass the most. ;0)

Seriously though here folks, I've been busy.
Who the eff cares doing what, let's just get down to the resume silliness shall we? Bring it baby!

The pile of absolute resume CRAP I've collected over those last 30 days is pretty much bathing in awesomesauce. 

Although I haven't had a spare moment to sit down and express my feelings in this particular venue as of late, the giggling fits at my desk have not ceased.

Lo and behold, people are Still. Stupid.

Oh boy oh boy oh BOY are they stupid.

I'll start with some simple ones, and work my way up the catastrophic ladder... baby steps as they say right?

From James- who listed all the hundreds of ways one can get a hold of him at the top of the resume, and right in the middle, smooshed in between 4 different phone numbers was this little diddy:

"(LEAVE MESSAGE WITH EMAIL ONLY)"

Really James? 
Fuck you.
I will not be contacting you at all. Asshat.

And then there was Michelle, who has a penchant for brackets and all things parentheses-related--- here's how her resume was laid out:

"Objective: [to obtain a career]
Summary of Qualifications: [March 2009-July 2009]
[Bank of America]
[Santa Clarita, CA]
[Responsible for collecting and counting money]"

And on and on it went, like this, down the ENTIRE PAGE. 
[Who does this??]
[Oh wait, probably somebody that's stupid enough to put that their Objective is to obtain a career. Silly me.]

Then there was Tim, sweet, sweet, ridiculous Tim.
Who applied to a SALES POSITION that specifically stated "road warrior" status in the job description (meaning, one has to not only have a car, but it will be overflowing with fast food wrappers, receipts, and daily trash because one will be spending a SHITLOAD of time in it).
Tim put THIS in his cover note to me:

"Thank you for perusing my resume. For your benefit, I'm not a sales person, I don't have any professional "level" type experience, and am currently without reliable transportation. Thank you again."

I'm sorry, wait, what? How exactly does this "benefit" me? 
And furthermore, why the fuck would I want to even FLIP TO THE NEXT PAGE to even GLANCE at his resume after he's made himself so unattractive as a candidate?
SHRED.


Next up is Patrick... who put this in his resume opening statement:

"I am currently enrolled at Ashford University, working to earn a degree in Early Childhood Development. I only want a job in this field so as to bring cohesiveness to my life."

Really Patrick? REALLY?
Why would you say this? 
Scratch that, why would you apply to MY posted position, IN THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY, and say this? I'm astounded at your level of foolishness.


Fresh off the IT Turnip Truck, we have Anthony... who sent me his IT resume and had the nerve to say THIS to me with it:

"Hi Stephanie. I would be interested in a different position if one comes up that would fit under IT, as my skills are more closely honed to this category. Please take the time to keep in touch and forward my resume to the head of IT.
Thank you."

Yeah, you're so right Anthony, I have NOTHING BETTER TO DO than your exact request. Thank you for fulfilling my life. I've waited so long for you to come along!

Then there was Gail, who applied for a telemarketer position here in our District Office in Southern California, who lives in OHIO and wanted me to relocate her to here, on our dime. For a $10 an hour, part-time TELEMARKETER position. 
Astounding.

Next up was Jon, who puts at the top of his resume that he's retired. 
But didn't mean to be. 
And then after all that, specifically said this:
"Still healthy, vibrant, active with no maladies.. would like to be back to active employ."


Adrian put his contact info at the top of his resume, and then this, and ONLY this:

"Job objective: CONSTRUCTION. No experience."

And that was it.
Einstein.

From Ken ... a personal note attached to his resume highlighting his very accomplished position as a "Cartoon Character":

"What are you going to pay me every day for this position? I have a couple of bills I pay but am barely able to afford to pay them as I'm grinding it out right now like something fierce."

Did Ken just say that to me? 
Where the fuck am I? 
In the Twilight Zone? 
Oh wait, I must be in Cartoon Land.

And then there's poor, POOR Tina, who graduated from FIDM, and is being aptly punished and having all her dreams of being a famous fashion designer DASHED every day of her life when she has to show up and... wait for it... "Scrub mannequin body parts".

Next up, one of my personal all time faves... Devin.
Oh boy, where do I begin with this one?
Devin is ... um ... special.
This is his entire resume:

"1.) I worked as a furniture manufacturer with this very special material I took the time to acquire from a beach in Ventura, called driftwood. After collecting this special material, me and the company owner Donnie would use tools to create rocking chairs. After months of doing such, we wanted to expand, so I would enter stores and badger them into letting us sell our chairs at their establishments. Donnie was my mother's boyfriend for 12 years, but nonetheless, he cannot be contacted, because he expired on September nineteenth two thousand and ten. "


And last but certainly not least... drum roll please...

Daniel.

There's SO many things to choose from on Daniel's resume.. Just. So. Many.

Under his Summary of Qualifications and Skills, he posted that he excels at "visionless typing". 
WTF is that?

He also stated that he has "Fantabulous Managerial Skills".
FANTABULOUS??
Who says that on a resume???!?

And of course, Daniel was the type to include TONS of personal information, which is a major no-no. 

Under the "About Me" section (cuz you know, it's not just a resume submission, it's an opportunity to practice for your eHarmony profile):
"Strong Ethics/Very Creative/Love to Smile/Positive Character & Vibe/Ok with traveling to distant places"

and the best, absolute BEST part of Daniel's resume was this info under the "Personal Info" section:

"Favorite shows: Three's Company & Knight Rider 1980's" and "something interesting about me, I have a bird named Charlie that sleeps with me at night."

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Should I call him and ask him to bring the bird with him to his fake interview?

Until next time... peace out my peeps!