Oh the hostility

Today's topic is something I have yet to bring up in any of my posts. Yes, it naturally errs on the side of stupidity as most of my candidate "examples" do, but this is a phenomenon I've run into off and on over the years that I wanted to vent about.

There's a lot of different job boards one can "put themselves" on. And as most people know, this means you can upload your resume onto certain websites such as CareerBuilder.com or Monster.com and then sit back and hope that multiple employers will start ringing your phone off the hook. 

If you're lucky.

And by lucky I only mean you have some actual, viable skills that some employer will deem valuable to their organization.

I wear a lot of different hats during the day at my job such as:

Contract submitter

ACA banking hook up gal

Printing and supply ordering chick

Dept of Insurance monitor person

Phone answerer 

Gatekeeper

Lobby Court Jester

Oh and let's not forget the most important one of all-

Thermostat Adjuster

The main bulk of what I do, however, is peruse the job boards and look for "qualified" individuals. This, to me, is equivalent to looking for a needle in a haystack.

It didn't used to be like this though.

As I was explaining to a friend on the phone this past weekend, many people would think that recruiters and HR people would have an easier job of it now because there's SO MANY people to choose from. That's not the case. And as a matter of fact, it's quite the opposite. Because there are so many new fish in the pool, that pool is crowded. Therefore it takes us much longer to search through and pull out the decent ones because the MORONS are crowding the whole damn thing up.

Ahem.

Now, that being said, once I finally get the few *star* people I can find in one day that I want to talk to, I act like they're a hot potato on my desk because:

a) I'm very excited I finally found somebody and

b) it took me so damn long to find them in the first place, chances are maybe they already have 4 interviews with various companies set up and I want to be at least in the top 3, but preferably 1st. 

So when I finally get to dial the phone, it's basically a monumental moment.

Sounds lame, but it is. It's taken a lot of work to get to that fabulous person.

Therefore, when said *fabulous person* answers the phone, they should make it a point to remember that they've actually put themselves on a job board. 

Because the different ways people answer the phone when they are job hunting says a LOT to me.

Examples:

Me: "Hi, this is Stephanie from ___________ Insurance company. I saw your resume on CareerBuilder.com and I have it here in front of me right now. I wanted to chat with you for a moment about it, is this a good time for you?" (That's my typical opening line- notice how courteous I am to said *fabulous person*?)

Fabulous Person #1's response: 

First- a grunt. 

Then silence.

I now know I woke them up. 

At 10:30 in the morning.

Then a groggy "Wait, um, WHO are you?" followed by a yawn.

Um- despite your glowing Curriculum Vitae, with a simple grunt, outward display of annoyance in your voice and a yawn, I already know that you're not a real go-getter. 

Your resume says you're currently unemployed Fabulous Person #1, at least have the brains to act like you're awake and weren't up late partying the night before, Einstein. 

Next candidate:

Me: my standard diddy...

Fabulous Person #2's response: "Oh hi. Can you hang on just a sec?"

Me: "Sure, no problem."

#2: (in the background, hand slightly over phone but I can still hear) "Erika SHUT THE FUCK UP!! STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER RIGHT THIS INSTANT AND COME DOWN HERE AND FEED THE GODDAMMED DOG LIKE I TOLD YOU TO! I HAVE TO TAKE THIS CALL!!"

Hand released- F.P. #2 for some reason thinks I didn't hear ANY of that...

"Hi, thanks for calling. What was your name again?"

And then I cautiously regurgitate what I said in the first place and then on and on this conversation goes until I can gracefully exit left stage. I won't be contacting her again because:

A) I know she's got unruly kids (which can make any HR type think "Uh-oh" too many possible sick days or visits to the school's principal's office in her future if I hire her) or

B) She's a pistol and she's got no tact. Is that how she's going to treat her fellow employees or our company's clients? No thank you.

But I think my most favorite example is Fabulous Person #3- who doesn't pick up the phone.

I leave a voice mail, hang up, then send them an email just to let them know that

a) I left them a voice mail and

b) I would really like to talk to them.

And then this is what I get back in my inbox from FP #3:

"So what I'd really like to know, "Stephanie" (if that really is your name) is this- where did you get all my information? I don't know how you found me but I just really want to know so I can make sure I get myself off the world wide web so people like you can stop bothering me. Please, enlighten me." 

Unbelievably, this happens a LOT. 

So OKAY FP#3, I'm obviously not calling you back as you've taken yourself out of the running (which you were lucky enough to be in the first place) but now? I feel I MUST "enlighten" you as you say.

First of all, I already said in the message what effing job board I found them on and so I will take it a step further. 

I'll email them back and tell them not only where I found them, I'll even go so far as to outline to them how many times they modified their resume on that job board, and what DAY they last touched/modified their resume on the job board. Because you know what? 

Us HR/Recruiter types-WE CAN SEE THAT SHIT. 

We pay a hefty amount of money every month to be able to have access to job hunters and with that privilege comes fringe "benefits". Seeing when you last touched or launched your resume is one of them.  

And if they think they've made themselves a "Private" or "Anonymous" resume (which is an option on these sites) and they didn't follow the instructions the site offered on how to do it correctly? I'll tell them their exact address. And if they were particularly mean, I'll tell them I google mapped them and dropped myself into the middle of their street and that they should really clean up their yard and their red Mazda needs to be washed. 

That'll teach FP #3 to MESS WITH STEPH.

(Okay just kidding on that last part, but be aware people- if you put your physical address on resumes, us scary HR/Recruiter types will do that... you only really need to put the city you live in, not your actual house or apartment address. And yes, the rumors are true, some of us will look you up on Facebook too, so lock down your profiles if you think you've got something to hide or you think that's a massive invasion of your privacy.) 

So the moral of the story is this my little chickens- if you put yourself out there and you click "accept" to whatever job board company's terms? You've just given permission for possible future employers to CONTACT YOU. Gasp!!

So let's recap, shall we?

#1- Don't answer the phone like a hungover schmuck or a screaming evil spawn of Satan mother yelling at her kids. If you aren't in "acceptable phone answering condition" then JUST DON'T ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE. Let it go to voice mail so you have a shot at composing yourself, and thus fooling us.

#2- For crying out loud, don't get all pissy when we contact you- either in person or via email. REMEMBER that you'd actually placed yourself on a job board and EXPECT to get calls from people looking to interview you.

Just put your best foot forward. That's all.

Peace out.