Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude.
Do you know what that word means?
No?

Schadenfreude means "enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others".

Thank you Webster's (and the often forgot Merriam!) for that enlightening description.

Since I'm introducing you to a new word here, perhaps you'd also like to know how to pronounce it... just click here to get a lesson in pronunciation. 

Why am I picking on this word today?

Because I got some silly email from some Silly Bo Billy job seeker telling me one of the top five most ridiculous tales of woe stories I've gotten to date. 

And unfortunately it made me laugh.

(Thus the Schadenfreude connection for those of you that haven't had enough coffee yet this morning...)

It went a little something like this:

"Dear Stephanie,

I saw your job posting and would like a chance to speak with you about the position you are offering. At one time I had seriously considered a position with _____________ Insurance in the mid 80's. Unfortunately, at this time my transportation scheme is rather limited. Although, I think it is time for America to start thinking outside the box as far as transportation goes. Don't you? I find that automobiles and buses and trains are a bit egregious and feel it's time for our country as a whole to really forget about all these modes of movement. Also, just an fyi, I don't have any bankruptcies (yet) but I have had some calamitous financial blunders- one involving a repossessed automobile and the other involving an outstanding school loan that is in pretty major default. Well with these items to consider, you may no longer have a desire to consider myself as a part of your organization. On the off chance that there is some continued consideration, I do think I would make a great salesman for your company as I've always thought that I could sell something it if were the right product. But if you don't want to call me, I will understand. I don't know quite how I would even get to your office for an interview anyway, seeing as how I live in Burbank and your office appears to be in Simi Valley. That's awfully far on bike. I am truly hoping you will call me though! And with that, I thank you.

Sincerely,

Silly Bo Billy Job Seeker"

Where do I begin with this one? 

I had to actually read it THREE TIMES because I was so stunned that somebody would be so amazingly stupid in one foul swoop.

So here's my lesson for all you faithful blog reading job seekers today in a blow by blow breakdown of Silly Bo Billy's email...one sarcastic point at a time:

#1. If you considered a job with my company back in the 80's, that statement leads me to think 2 things- 

a) you're probably at least in your late 50's to early 60's because most people don't come to their senses career wise until their mid to late 20's. So you just told me you're closing in on retirement age. 

and b) you left me hanging as you didn't finish the story. What the hell happened with the whole "considered a position with your company" thing? Now (because I'm obviously totally not calling you) I will never know. So thanks a lot. 

#2. Your transportation scheme is rather limited. So not only did you not think outside the box and just not bring it up at all because you didn't have the brains to think "well if she calls me, I can just find somebody to drive me to the interview" you decided to take that moment in time to spout off about how egregious vehicles in most forms are. (Although I will point out, you forgot airplanes. You should have mentioned them as well while you were at it.) But how brilliant you are in general to have stopped and spouted off your feelings about modes of transportation to an HR/Recruiter type. So kudos to you for that. I do imagine it gets more and more challenging with each passing day to find somebody in your immediate realm that will listen to you about your ground breaking thoughts regarding transportation. Chances are it's gotten to the point where your fellow apartment dwellers probably run if they see you coming down the hall, now hasn't it? 

#3. I'm so thrilled to hear you haven't applied for a bankruptcy yet. 

Go you! 

However, fessing up that you had an automobile repossessed a) isn't exactly a way to impress a potential employer and b) is more than likely the root of your incredible hatred for moving vehicles, no? Perhaps you should cover that in your next psychotherapy session. 

#4. You have an outstanding school loan? And it's in pretty major default? I imagine it is considering most people that were IN THE WOMB in the mid 80s typically carry school loans nowadays. Not people in their 50's or 60's. So you probably made the *oh so wise* decision to go back to school after you turned down and/or were rejected by my company back in the mid 80s, allowing you a chance to absorb incredible vocabulary words such as "egregious" and "calamitous". Such a shame you can't unleash those rather Brobdingnagian verbal skills on an employer in your neck of the woods. 

#5. You say that on the off chance there is still some continued consideration (not a snow ball's chance in hell) you are sure you would make a great salesman because you can sell something if it's the right product. Oh, you mean (for example) like automobile insurance? I'm sure it would be very easy for us to persuade you to sell automobile insurance, what with your strong feelings towards one of the greatest inventions of all time and all. Piece of cake I'm sure. 

#6. Burbank to Simi Valley isn't terribly far on a bike. According to Google's bike path calculations, it will only take you 3 hours and 17 minutes, one way. What kind of a wuss are you anyway? 

So the moral of the story is this my little chickadees:

a) don't do anything the above job seeker did 

and

b)

  

Peace out.