If only I could train my blog...

Apparently, my blog does a lot of things.


Over the past few months I've been told it:


a) puts a smile on various endearing family, friends and strangers' faces


b) tells random people poking around on the internet what NOT to put on their resume


c) pops up on a list accommodating the search of the strangest specific terms ever such as:

going insane clip art

world problems

crashed car clip art

hotel problems

puns on resumes

can't breathe clip art

funky fish

(Some of those on the list make sense and would automatically link to my blog, but others? WTF? I have no idea how I ended up being on a master list of "hotel problems" and "can't breathe" clip art. The other ones I could POSSIBLY (with a reach) understand.)


d) allows other HR/Recruiter types to vicariously live through me- furiously nodding their heads up and down in agreement while reading my rants, and privately delighting in the fact that FINALLY, somebody in their industry is out there saying the things they've been wanting to say for so very long. 

That being said, my blog is usually written ahead of time and set to "pre-launch" itself.

I do this because
a) I have a full time job and I prefer to actually WORK at my job instead of goofing off writing blog posts (although believe me, it takes EVERY OUNCE of self control to just continue working when I want to stop and rant about what I just read on some idiot's resume...)
b) I'm a mom to a teenage girl. Who for some reason likes to continually point out that I should be doing mom-like things such as making her meals, laundering her clothes, helping her with homework and chauffeuring her and her sweet friends around to various places and buying them various and usually unnecessary things. (I know a lot of you out there just read that and thought: why doesn't she just make her own meals, launder her own clothes, do her own homework and be happy with the things she has? Pfft. Surely you jest. If she made her own meals she'd be on a steady diet of Starburst pink and red candies, fruit juice, Hugs chocolate kisses and dried up crunchy Top Ramen. If she did her own laundry, it'd all be pink and blotchy and essentially matching the Starbursts she's eating- not to mention too small (we tried, it didn't work out well, enough said)... I'm usually too stupid to help her with her homework anyway, so she's better off with me just pretending to help and not giving her the wrong answers...and the other part about being happy with what she already has? Pulll-ease. You must not have teenagers.)

I also do other stuff when I'm not at work or playing mommy.
For example: I am a property manager with my hubby. It's not something we really enjoy, but we do it to add income to the family. (That's been an interesting road and I could probably start a blog merely about how ridiculous tenants can be... but I'll wait and possibly launch that later.)
I also volunteer.
I participate in charity walks.
I give free career and interviewing advice and have fixed MANY many resumes for friends and family and friends of friends and friend's spouses and friend's boyfriends and friend's girlfriends etc. for free.
And now I also guest blog.

When I'm not doing those things, I do these things:

I sail

Despite my physical limitations with my fused spine, I'm learning to love to hike

I'm obsessed with Pinterest

(and as a side note, I feel I must tell you that as a self-proclaimed Pinterest Whore, I just discovered that my blog has been mentioned and pinned on Pinterest several times. To this I say "rock on pinning friends" and "OMGOMGOMG! I'M ON PINTEREST!! WOO-HOO!!" Okay sorry, I'll calm down now...)

I make random crafty stuff with my sister

http://resumeroasts.blogspot.com/2011/11/today-im-veering-off-track.html


I take care of our poor little gimpy guinea pig named Abby that my daughter HAD to have and is now afraid she'll break if she handles her (ahem)- oh and the cat. I take care of the cat too (of course). Both pictured here together in the kitchen one morning:

"What mom? I was merely chillin' out here by the pig. I wasn't actually going to HURT her.

 Pffft. You make up these delusional ideas in your head." 

and last but not least, I read like crazy.

I read so much I practically eat books. 

And I read the most random things.

Like on my nightstand right now is:
Game of Thrones http://www.amazon.com/Game-Thrones-Song-Fire-Book/dp/0553386794/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1324276572&sr=1-2,

The Motion of the Ocean http://www.amazon.com/Motion-Ocean-Average-Lovers-Meaning/dp/1416589082/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1324276623&sr=1-1,

Bitter is the New Black (2nd time through because I heart Jen Lancaster (whose blog is here: http://www.jennsylvania.com/ )so much and can always use a good laugh considering what I go through every day) http://www.amazon.com/Bitter-New-Black-Condescending-Self-Centered/dp/0451217608/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1324276660&sr=1-1

Shirley Jackson's Short Stories- http://www.amazon.com/Shirley-Jackson-Stories-Lottery-Haunting/dp/1598530720/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1324281912&sr=1-4

and 3 different resume and work related books that would put anybody to sleep. (Thus the reason for them to hang out on the nightstand.)

Oh and let's not forget: The Proper Care of Guinea Pigs dp/0793831512/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1324276703&sr=1-6 because unfortunately, that guinea pig's not going to take care of herself. Although she does willingly try as she's a good sport.

ANYHOO- my point in rambling on about all this misc crap is this: this blog doesn't write itself.

Because that person that does all that other stuff listed up above?

She also writes this blog.

Usually at nights or on the weekend, but truth be told, most often around 2am in the morning when she has a wild hair and wants to rant about something she read that day. After being sound asleep, she sits bolt upright in bed and immediately beelines it for the craft room, where she sits and writes until it's out of her system. Her poor husband wakes up, realizes she's missing, shakes his head, mutters something about marrying a lunatic, and then just rolls over and starts snoring again. (Although for the record- poor said husband would prefer to point out that he DOES NOT SNORE. At some point in the future poor sleepless wife may have to post a little sound recording she caught of said husband "NOT SNORING"... but that may net her 50 lashes with a wet noodle, so she'll wait on that one.)

Boy am I getting off track on this post. 
It's late though.
And I've had some wine.
So maybe that is the problem? 

What I'm trying to say is THIS:
I'm taking a break for a bit.
Apparently there's these things called holidays that family members would like me to participate in and seeing as how I've got um, oh, about 3-5 days left before the festivities begin and I've only purchased THREE presents, (yes, SO proud of myself) I need to start paying attention or I'm gonna be in some serious trouble as there's gonna be some serious scowling going on in the living room come Christmas morning when there's nothing to open. (Although I could tell them to log on and go read my blog as that's where all my energy's been going... nah. Probably not a good idea.)


I've managed to train my blog to auto-launch itself into the universe... if only I could train my blog to write itself. Wouldn't that be grand? Then I could take a break and you guys could keep snickering over the ridiculous resumes out there in the universe.
Yeah, probably not gonna happen.
Ooo! I know!
I could train Abby to write the blog for me!

She'd probably do just fine with it, seeing as how she likes to partake in white wine, just like I do.

 (Just kidding all you animal loving worry warts out there. I've never given our pig any wine. That's the cat's job.)

I asked Abby what she thought about taking over the blog for me and this is what she had to say about the idea:

"When pigs fly!"

So alas, the pig idea is out and this blog will just have to sit for a little bit. But don't fret my little chickadees, I'll be back after the first of the year to make you laugh once again. 

In the meantime, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and following along! Please feel free to spend some time going through all 51 archives if you are bored and missing me. Most importantly, please know this:

Peace out!
PS There were no guinea pigs harmed in the making of this blog. Just a little tickling and humiliation, but she's totally used to it by now.

Who's YOUR email carrier?

Did you guys know that if you accidentally drop the "T" in hotmail.com, it becomes HOmail.com?

Yeah, me neither till an unbelievable amount of morons started listing it that way on their resumes.

It's amazing how just one little letter or one punctuating mistake can mess everything up, isn't it?

Toot toot! All aboarddddddddddddd!!!

Woo-whee!
I got a gem here, a real *special* email sent specifically to me, making me the Luckiest. Recipient. Ever.
Just for a quick clarification--- there was no resume attached to this. Just this email, directly sent to me.
Like I said, I'm lucky.
Lucky like this guy kinda lucky:

So with that being said, let's just dive in, shall we?
I suppose some confused soul thought they'd spend some time composing a very meaningless essay about who they think they are and, of course, why they think they were especially deserving to be offered a job. What follows is anything but convincing material for such a situation.

"Hello Stephanie,
I am very open-minded as well as office agent for ______________ Insurance Company. I would desire myself a job opening because I have good strengths making both parts as a worker. I am most like hood to give out my hard work to make this company go efficiently."

Hmmm. So I'm intrigued. How about you? Ready for some more?
Me too!
Let's keep reading...

"If I was a business owner, I will make sure each employee that I have assignment to do for certain day or on that day get the job done. I give my best to deliver while make sure if the people who invest the company is on track."

Speaking of tracks... TOOT TOOT!!
ALL ABOARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!
Destination CRAZY TOWN!!

"If I was an office agent, I can handle and organize the paperwork, type or edit the paperwork that has been mistaken. I can elaborate that things to my colleagues when I have nothing to do, I will find something to keep me productive. I will have sell the insurance information and get the customer's happiness to get insurance."


Do you want off the train yet?
Nah, me neither.
Let's keep going...



"Overall, I am self-started, customer-oriented, and conscientiousness type person who can multitask any assignments while a customer or employee is struggling to find something. I have to make sure the people who invest the company is on track."

I think this lovely person said that already?
No?
Am I wrong?
I swear they did because of the word track...which triggered my pea brain to jump on the train... but this dissertation is so jumbled up, what do I know?
I could be mistaken.
I could, after all, just be fearing for my life and wondering how the hell I'm going to get off this train...
But like every good train wreck observer, I simply can't look away.

So let's just keep reading, shall we?

"I am willing to take risks, I can multitask. I'm telling you, I can multitask."

Okay, okay, I believe you.
(Not really, but shhh, don't tell.)

"I hope this will answer your questions."

Did I have any questions? I don't really think I had any questions to begin with as I've never heard from this person before- there was no previous interaction going on.
I don't even have a resume to know what the HELL kind of background this person comes from.
Not that it matters, really.
Does it?
Nah, I didn't think so...
But let's keep going like good little train passengers, what the hell...

"I would get involved and do anything it takes to make the company grow."

Anything?
Employees willing to do anything to make the company grow are hard to come by these days.
The way this person carries on, however, I  don't think I'd want to find out what their idea of "anything" is though.

"In conclusion, I can make good work relationships with my customers great environment. If you have any more questions, please do not hesitate to ask me more!! Because, I can make you like me. I CAN make you like me and the company grow in customers environment!"

Okay, getting scared.
I want off the train now.

Oh wait, unbelievably, there's more.

"I think you call me. I would get involved and you call me. Much placed regards."

Does this person think that saying "I think you call me. I would get involved and you call me" will be some kind of forceful subliminal message that will make me suddenly feel the urge to call them?
Yeah, nice try.
Not gonna work.

But phew.
It's over.
We lived through the train ride ladies and gentlemen.


I do feel the need to point out the time stamp in case some of you were wondering. It was 11:35 am.
(This will only be important and/or comprehensible if you've read my previous post entitled "Wheeeeeeeeee" that you can find here: http://resumeroasts.blogspot.com/2011/11/wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee.html

So while I have no idea what this person really said and I can only remember tracks, making people do things, and getting the customer's happiness, I'm still stumped.
I have no idea what vernacular one would classify this as?

Oh screw vernacular, I know these words were in English, but what the hell language was this in?
I did notice the use of the comma placement was incredibly on point, however...how is this even possible? I've never seen such brilliant use of comma placement in such a mess of a word collaboration/email message.

I think there is clearly only one obvious explanation.

This person has got to be from another country.

English is not the first language, that's for sure.

They do speak Comma though.

How about this-
Comma is their first language
 __________ is their second language
and English is their third?

Anyway, the only way I can politely sum up this situation is with this picture:

English, I told you to learn it.

I'm betting this poor, lost soul is brushing his teeth with Preparation H.
Right.
About.
Now.

Well no wonder...

Anybody that knows me, knows that:
I love the beach.
I love the ocean.
I love the people that save people like me from drowning at the beach, in the ocean.

But this girl?
She scares me.


Resume of a Lifeguard:

Ocean Lifeguard

_______________ County Lifeguard Division

_____________________, CA

April 2007- August 2010

Watch water and beach patrons for dangers.

Enforced rules.

Prevent rescues.

Well no wonder you got canned.

The Hostess with the Mostest

I get a lot of restaurant people wanting to break into the insurance biz. That's all fine and dandy, I've got nothing against anybody with drive and ambition.


This gal made several startling statements though regarding her job as a hostess, causing me to question my desire to have my family ever go back to the establishment that employs her, let alone considering hiring her for anything insurance related.


"Work experience:
_________________ Restaurant, Glendale, CA
Hostess
Seat guests, control where the guests will be satisfied.
Gets along well with others when they comply with my direction.
Maintain commitment to front end of restaurant and controlling guests."

I don't think my family or I will be patronizing her current eating establishment any more.
And I'd love to tell all of you where not to go, but that would be breaking my vow of "anonymity" so I'll just say this:


If you decide to eat anywhere in Glendale, CA- LOOK OUT!!!

Today I switch it up a bit

So this would have normally been my 5th Installation of Meanie Mondays but you know what? I'm burned out on the Meanie Weanies. I offically decided- it's the holidays, people are supposed to be joyful and cheerful and happy and all that crap, so I'm not going to expose my faithful readers to an entire blog of vile cussing and rambuncious and profound assholery.
(Is that a word? If not, it is now...)

I am, however, going to turn things around and show a different side of being a recruiter...so today's angle is going to be about how sometimes I have to get a little tough with people.

Those of you that have been reading my blog for some time now are readily familiar with my snarky, sarcastic tone and the fact that I can turn into a full blown meanie myself occasionally. Truth is that I normally don't SAY everything I'm thinking or feeling directly to the Idiot Du Jour. I usually save my responses for my blog venting. I rarely respond to the assholes- I tend to just leave them alone. And on the sparse occasion that I do respond, I'm incredibly courteous and overly polite for the sake of preserving my company and my boss's reputation.
Oh and my job.

Despite how I feel.

While not exactly being mean by any stretch of the imagination, today's example pushed me over the proverbial Recruiter Edge. I couldn't help myself, I had to point out how unreasonable she was being. I HAD to respond to her to let her know how I felt about things.

A smidge of back story- I found "Kari" on a job board this past summer after plugging in specific criteria to thin down my resume "hunt" as many of us recruiters do.  Kari was a bit on the younger side of life (which I could only deduce from her high school graduation date) but she had already gotten her Life and Health license with the State of CA Dept of Insurance, so I was interested in placing her with one our top notch established agents in Westlake Village. I emailed her explaining my interest in her and my intentions of passing her along so she could interview with this particular office if she would be amenable to the idea. This is word for word what she came back and said to me:

"Hi Stephanie,
Thanks for the interview offer as it sounds like what I'm looking for. I think Westlake Village is too far for me though, especially with traffic."
(Side bar commentary here: she was already working in Thousand Oaks and she lived in the San Fernando Valley. For those of you that are reading this and don't know what the heck I'm talking about geographically speaking- I was offering to SHORTEN her commute. That was apparently unreasonable.)
"I'm only willing to go towards Glendale and Pasadena, possibly Arcadia. But that's it."
(Second side bar commentary: I think she possibly has an aversion to the west portion of California now? Perhaps she has an intense desire to drive with the sun IN her eyes every morning as she's been missing out on that.)

"Also, be advised that in September I'm registered to take 2 computer classes during the day at North Valley Occupational Center to increase my typing from 40-50 wpm to anything above that. I also want to become IC3 Certified."
(Third side bar commentary: anything above 40-50 wpm? So she's going to go to school to possibly become a 51 wpm whiz? I'm only a 65 wmp whiz but man, that just seemed stupid to bring up. While admirable that she wants to become IC3 Certified (and for those of you that don't know what that is- in the interest of educating you just a little bit every day, please go Google it now. I'll wait. - - - -, the next few lines of what she has to say about the certification just, quite frankly, piss me off.)
"For any position I do interview for, the first few months need to be part-time in the afternoons (1-5ish) until I become IC3 Certified, which is my priority. I hope to be certified by the end of October at the latest, and once IC3 Certified, I want full-time work from the hours of 8-5pm, so if other openings become available that can start out part time and turn into full time, I would be interested in those. I am also unwilling to work on the weekends.
Thanks,
Kari"


Ummmm- - - okay, really?
Let's review my little chickadees, shall we?
I offer her an interview for a full time, hourly pay PLUS large commission position with a prestigious agent, closer to her home, and this is somehow not acceptable. She expects me to bend to her wishes, indulge her in her Outlandish Plan of Stupidity and a) get her a job only positioned due east of her home that will b) start out only from 1-5 in the afternoon and c) turn into a full time position when she feels the time is right.
Did I get all that right?
After careful review, I believe so.
Ahem.

Look here BITCH.
I am not a head hunter that you are PAYING to find you an exclusive job that fits into your spectacularly demanding parameters. The NERVE. The GALL to give me such an outline when you are a) merely 4 years out of high school b) don't have that much experience in the first place and c) are making a possible 1 wpm typing improvement and more than likely completely useless IC3 Certification more important than anything else. How many CLM's (Career Limiting Moves) can I count in her email to me??
Too many.

So while I wanted to say the above paragraph back to her, what I emailed back to her instead, was this:

"Kari,
With all do respect, I have hundreds of resumes on my desk right now and many hungry people that would be very interested in the opportunity to even be offered an interview with this agency. While it is your prerogative to outline the cities you would like to work in, I find the particular criteria after that to be unreasonable for me to try and work with. Clearly your immediate priorities are geared towards getting certified, thus making it impossible to assist you with employment at this time.
If you have a sincere interest in working in the insurance industry, establishing a profitable career, and putting your Life and Health license to good use, recontact me when you are done with your classes.
Until then, best of luck to you with your career search and finding an employer that will meet your demands.
-Stephanie"

As Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory would say:

Clearly this LOVELY young lady falls into what I call the "Generation Y Black Hole of Entitlement."

This particular species REALLY chaps my hide so stay tuned for more bitching about Generation Y in future blog posts.

Until then, I must share one final interesting tidbit about Miss Kari.

While I half expected her to immediately lash out at me and email back something scathing, essentially telling me what a heartless bitch I am, apparently she pondered what I said as she came crawling back, LAST WEEK. 

She said she had reconsidered and thought my offer was a good one and that she should have taken it in the first place. This was incredibly shocking to me; I've never had anyone admit I was right when I stand up to them and tell them they are being too picky and demanding. So either her parents upped the ante with the yelling about getting a job already, or she realized that all that beautiful certification she just achieved and added to her resume really didn't make the phone ring off the hook after all. 

Did I pass her along for an interview?

Yes I did.

But only after a very thorough warning to the agent as to the history I've had with her. I wanted them to be prepared and know that she may be a flight risk, and that unless she really shines and "sparkles" during her interview with them, it might not be worth it to take a chance on her. 

I have yet to hear if little Miss Fancy East Side Loving, IC3 Certified, 51 WPM Pants got granted an interview or not.
If so, I totally look forward to hearing all the juicy details.
I bet she's also a piece of work in person.


TTFN my friends!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Gu50vq5ux4

Would you please kindly help me?

So I was

and all of a sudden this floats into my inbox:

"Dear Recruiter,

I'm looking for an opportunity to shine in my skillset. If everything is fine means kindly help me by providing the client name."

Dude. 

I don't know what the hell you said but you just totally ruined my awesome and bombdiggity flow.

Yada yada yada

I thought my inbox was going to implode yesterday.

It was overloaded, which means I was overloaded.

326 emails, the majority of them useless, but nonetheless, I have to sit there and sift through them looking for my needle in the haystack.

Perhaps a better way to describe the way I usually feel on days like this is to share an excerpt from 

"How Ronald Reagan Changed My Life" by Peter Robinson:

The Pony In the Dung Heap
When Life Buries You, Dig
Journal Entry, June 2002:

Over lunch today I asked Ed Meese about one of Reagan's favorite jokes. "The pony joke?" Meese replied. "Sure I remember it. If I heard him tell it once, I heard him tell it a thousand times."

The joke concerns twin boys of five or six. Worried that the boys had developed extreme personalities -- one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist -- their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. "What's the matter?" the psychiatrist asked, baffled. "Don't you want to play with any of the toys?" "Yes," the little boy bawled, "but if I did I'd only break them."

Next the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. "What do you think you're doing?" the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. "With all this manure," the little boy replied, beaming, "there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

"Reagan told the joke so often," Meese said, chuckling, "that it got to be kind of a joke with the rest of us. Whenever something would go wrong, somebody on the staff would be sure to say, "There must be a pony in here somewhere.'"

I love that story. My dad used to say that catch phrase when we'd be in deep doo-doo at the print shop with some monumental problem and we were trying to dig our way out.

But anyway, nostalgia aside, it very much applies to my current life sifting through all the people that have emailed me their resumes. By the end of the day I get a little tired, so the people that just ramble on and on make it harder to find my pony. But still, it's my job to do so; I feel compelled to try and pay attention and follow along, just in case I'm missing something good.

Here's an example of one such email I opened up around 4:45 pm:

"Work Experience:

I have not worked for 19 months because I have been attendant college courses, but at the same time I have serving in church, in the past three years, the last time I have worked way in September, 2009 for a hotel, but now I am only attendent part time college courses and I have been looking in past two years for part time job that could help me be flexible in growing my experience. I am confidant you will give me chance and my full potential I will show in the workforce, joyful working time in your company."

Uh, nope. 

No pony here.

Next!

I'ze a Slow-Poke

I'll just start this post off with this picture as this is how I feel about the resume I'm going to talk about:

By coincidence it also exemplifies how I feel most of the time. 

Some dude that worked in a fast food joint emailed me yesterday. While I understand that he's trying to better himself by moving up the food chain (pun intended) to different types of establishments, what made me laugh was this:


He put that he's worked at Jack in the Box from 12/97 to present.


He felt it necessary to put underneath Jack in the Box THIS description:

"A fast food dinning concept with a drive thru"

Ummm, you may think I'm a slow poke but I'm pretty sure I know what a Jack in the Box is.


I'm not sure, however, you know how to spell *dining*.


Duh. 

Yikes-a-hooty

Resume from a bartender came in late yesterday afternoon.


Don't know what she thought I was necessarily going to do for her except perhaps have her swing by to mix us up some fine concoctions to help ease the policy processing and resume viewing pain...

But then I scrolled down and saw this listed as one of her bartending responsibilities:

"Mixing and severing members"

Ummm.... I'll pass.

It's Meanie Monday! Installation #4

Gooooooooooood morning my little chickadees!

Happy Frickity Frackety Monday!

Today's Meanie Monday post is a doozy. I'm pretty sure I probably say that on every Meanie Monday now, but forget about the other ones, this one's icky scary.

So icky scary that we called the police.

I've got your attention now, don't I??

Here we go!

First a little bit of back story.
As you all know from reading my previous posts, I get a lot of offensive, obscene, and repulsive emails. Usually they fall into a few different categories-
a) they don't want anything to do with insurance (for whatever reason)
b) they don't want anything to do with selling anything, ever (even though their resumes has "sales" stuff all over it)
c) they don't want anything to do with the corporate world (even though that's where they've spent the majority of their career time)
d) they hate the particular company that I work for (because obviously, there must have been some kind of a bad experience that left a bad taste in their mouth).

This post is about d). This guy apparently had a bad experience a while back with my company.

Now, as I've said before, no company is perfect. As much as a company may try to have stellar customer service and pro-active management, EVERY company on the planet is going to have people that hate it. It's just a fact of life. There's really no getting around it.

This lovely (ahem) gentleman had an impressive background career-wise, but what he unleashed upon me because of the company I was affiliated with was enough to cause great concern for our safety.

Here's his reply email to me/us:

"Thanks for your inquiry. Thank you for reviewing my online resume. As you no doubt know, ____________ Insurance is a con artist scam operation whereby "nice guys" sell the policies and hard case criminals handle the claims. You collect policy premiums and break your contracted promises. I myself was a former insured and saw for myself the fear in the eyes of the claims reps when I tracked down their rat hole offices seeking some discussion on my denied coverage claims. The cowards actually thought I had come armed to attain some true justice, Clint Eastwood style. The punks were lucky that day because all I wanted from  __________ was fairness, a commodity utterly lacking in the corporate mission statement. I know, naive. Their only question was, "How did you find this office?" Obviously, they needed to do a better job of hiding because someone not as nice as me was inevitably going to visit.

Please come to your senses and find some other form of employment. Perhaps you could join the Catholic Church and tutor pre-teen boys or enlist in an Islamic terrorist organization? Anything would be more ethical and decent than employment in the insurance industry (and do less damage to our wonderful country). If not, may you die an early death and rot in the fires of hell forever. You and your teams do not deserve to live.

FORMER ____________ INSURED"

Ummm, excuse me?
While some of you may have just easily blown the email off and not worried about it in the slightest bit, I'm admittedly not that laid back as from my perspective, the arrival of this email into my inbox created a great cause of concern for our office.

At the nudging of my sweet husband (who about had a heart attack when he read it and immediately went out on his lunch break to buy me another brand new, high powered pepper spray which I now keep in my closest work drawer) the police were called. I knew it was a shot in the dark that anything could necessarily be DONE or SOLVED regarding this email, but we felt it was necessary anyway. I did some background checking on this person, printed down as much info as I could on him and presented it all in a nice pile to the poor officer that was dispatched to our office. He stood there for a long time sifting through the information and as we all predicted, there wasn't much that could be done as the threat was too "general". He did oddly enough suggest that I contact his current employer and show them the email.
Uh...really?
That's what you're suggesting?
Not wanting to further provoke the asshole and possibly unleash yet more wrath from this vile human being, I chose NOT to go this route. I just proceeded to block him via every Do Not Contact route our company has in place, crossed my fingers and hoped against hope that he wouldn't decide to pay us a visit as well, just like he did those poor claims reps.

I've been at this particular job for 3.5 years now and let me tell you, the evolution of anger from the job seekers I encounter has gone from slightly irritated to full blown foaming-at-the-mouth rage. I understand that times are tough and for many, getting tougher by the day. Unfortunately circumstances like these tend to bring out the worst in those who were already teetering on the brink of sanity and rationale. I will of course continue to soldier on like a good employee, sifting through my inbox looking for my decent and deserving job candidates. I'm sure you'll all agree it's okay though that I've adopted the mantra of this little guy as for now, I feel it's all I can really do:

Tee Emm EYE

There's this little acronym a lot of us throw around as of late- 

good ol' TMI.

(It stands for Too Much Information for those of you that have been living under a rock...)

While there are all kinds of different categories of TMI (including gross bodily function reports, activity in the bedroom reports and strange OCD habits that one should keep to themselves to name just a few) the category I'm going to talk about today falls under what I would simply call "Oversharing". 

One example of Oversharing would be when you're checking out at CVS and the lady behind the register thinks she absolutely HAS to tell you about every inch of her life as fast as she can while scanning all 7 of your items at glacial speed. This exact scenario happened to me a few months back. Poised for action at the only available register open in the entire store, this woman took her sweet damn time scanning my items and pausing between each to blab so much info at me that by the time I was allowed to escape with my said 7 items, I knew the following:

1. She had 3 boys, all of which were finally grown and out of the house.

2. They never cleaned their rooms up. Like ever. Their favorite thing to do was to leave food and dishes underneath their beds where they sat rotting and getting moldy and stinky until she realized half the dishes in the kitchen were permanently missing and she finally went looking.

3. She loves Disneyland. Has to go there at least 6 times a year. Tinkerbell is her favorite.

4. She has a new grandbaby named Eileen. That's from the eldest errant son that left his food under the bed.

5. Her favorite color is purple.

6. She refuses to wear nail polish. Doesn't care how ugly her toes look when she's out in public wearing sandals.

According to my grade school level ability in math, that's almost a story PER item. When all I wanted to do was politely buy my cotton balls, suncreen, bandaids, cat litter, Diet Pepsi, gum and nail polish and GET THE HELL OUT. 

But NO, I had to be subjected to hearing all that.

Now I know, that some of you are sitting there reading this and thinking "Man! What a bitch! She can't even have a polite conversation with some poor woman that's obviously lonely and needs companionship."

And to that I say PFFT and Hooey!

(Gasp!)

Hold on there judgey pants, let me explain why:

It would be one thing if I was the one that started the conversation with her and egged her on and kept adding fuel to the fire, but I didn't. And not only that, there were 5 people in line behind me that were standing there tapping their feet and checking their watches that were just as annoyed as I was. 

And just for the record, I was nice and sweet to her, I answered her back but did not "encourage" her to continue by the way I was answering. It totally didn't matter though.

She had an Overshare Agenda and that was that. 

So- keeping that everyday example in mind...some of these same Oversharing People email me their resumes. And I pinky swear, I sit there with my jaw open when I see the messages come through. They are almost always in the cover note/email to me to go along with the resume, although some of the TMI is on the actual resume itself. Here are some examples that make my mouth gape:

1. "I have a ticket right now and on top of that, I totaled my car."

2. "I am in a wheel chair, I use the bus."

3. "I would love to have an oppertunity with your job but i do have a bankruptcy because my ex was an ass and I had to go over a little rocky road. I curently work as a stat tracker but seeking something that can give well benefits and pay me better. Oh and he kicked me out of the house too, I'm living on a freinds sofa."

4. "I have a car. It's a Honda Civic. License no. F2888 ____"

5. "My social security # is 542- 98- ____"

6. "Jello, I got no lisence driver"

7. "I just got back to L.A. from a family crisis. Because of my unfortunate cirecumstances, I cannot fly out of the state any more so if the job requires me to travel, I will have to turn it down."

8. "Sorry I haven't payed my cell phone bill yet and I have the wrong number on my resume so if you could white it out and fix it, that would be gret, you can reach me at 818-358- ____"

9. "I would love to appli but I'm working on cleaning up all lil problems right now."

and on and on it goes... you get the idea.

So people? I didn't need to know any of that.

But here's what I WANTED to say back to them, item by item:

1. Sorry to hear that. 

2. Dude, we don't discriminate. If you can get yourself around and have skills, no prob.

3. Ex's can be asses. That's a given. But do I need to know you're in the middle of a mess and living on somebody's sofa? Uh, no.

4. I'm happy you have a car. And a Honda Civic at that. Those are nice. But why the HELL would you give me your license number?? OMG

5. And speaking of OMG- 

OMG OMG OMG!!

WHY would you put your social security number on your resume? This has happened a few times and the last guy was a Marine, and I IMMEDIATELY  emailed him and told him to take his resume off the job boards and fix it. (And then I thanked him for his service after I lectured him.)

6. First of all, Jello is a dessert. And unless you're Bill Cosby and you're pushing Puddin' Pops, you shouldn't be starting off your salutation to anybody like that. And same thing I said to wheel chair guy applies to you Jello boy, can you get a ride or get yourself around? Okay then.

7. You can't fly out of the state anymore? I don't wanna know what you did. I just, don't, wanna, know. Next!

8. Fix your own damn resume, lazy butt! Don't ask a recruiter/HR type to WHITE OUT something on your resume and fix it... don't email it until it's fixed, because now? You totally tipped your hand as to what kind of an employee you'd be. A HALF ASSED one.

And I also don't need to know that you haven't paid your cell phone bill, dip.

9. Okay, sorry to hear about your Series of Unfortunate Events, Lemony Snicket. But again, TMI. 

It's just too much for a little recruiting person like me to have to absorb. And none of the above examples are ever going to get somebody hired. 

So even if all that shit is going on in your life? 

Don't be an Oversharer. 

Don't be a TMI Offender. 

Keep your circumstances and your stories and your drama to yourself and your mama. 

Peace out.

Dude, I could really use a massage right about now...

These resumes... they're stressin'  me out man.

If I could only find some way to U-N-C-L-E-N-C-H. 


Oh !


I know!


Perhaps some yoga?

Ooo or maybe a massage is what I could use...

Maybe I should ask this guy who put this as the lead sentence in a personal email to me:


"I need to make as much money as I can this year so I can attend massage school next year."




Moron.