Friday, November 4, 2011

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes ... people get a little loopy.


And also?


I've discovered there's different degrees of loopiness.


Some people ramble on and on and ON for pages in their cover emails to me and when this happens, the first thing I'll do is look at the time stamp on the email. 


Did they send it to me at 4 o'clock in the afternoon or 2 o'clock in the morning?


Because believe it or not, this matters. 


Why you ask?


Because people drink at night.  


Or they take Ambien.

And, not being completely lucid by any stretch of the imagination, they do the following:

Drunk or Sleep eat



Drunk or Sleep Ebay



Drunk or Sleep fill in the blank __________ 


or
Drunk or Sleep email.



So!

Depending on how wild they got,
hundreds, if not THOUSANDS of calories got consumed...









Barbie heads were mistakingly won and paid for after a round of incessant spite bidding...







Or perhaps the worst offender of all: 
Things get said. 
Things that usually shouldn't be said.


So while it's easy to figure out one or two of the offenses once you awaken from your drunken/Ambien induced stupor as there's usually SOME kind of visible evidence--- such as...


the 3 empty cartons of leftover Chinese and the shameful remnants of a tub of ice cream you hoovered that's melted and dripping all over the counter and down the cupboards... 


OR- your doorbell rings three days later and your UPS driver hands you a package that makes you scratch your head and go "WTF?" when you open it up...


Unless you know how naughty you get and make a habit out of checking your "sent" file in your email account the following morning? 
Damage that you may have done might not be so glaringly obvious.


So all that being said, for now let's skip over the drunken/sleep eating, ebaying, and whatevering (which may or may NOT have happened to me- ahem) and get right to the drunken/sleep emailing shall we?


One of the emails I got yesterday obviously started me off on this rant as it was a real wild ride. 




As in my examples above, this very bitter woman that we'll just call "Lisa" was either drunk, hopped up on Ambien or just plain crazy. 


So children, are you buckled up safely? Are all your arms or any other possible limbs inside the roller coaster and ready for take off? 




Good. 
Okay ... here we go! 




Lisa launched into her message to me as if we'd been carrying on and conversing via email for weeks, just dumping me straight into the middle of a make-believe conversation. I instantly felt like I was being thrown into the middle of an angry tape she's been playing OVER and OVER in her head for years. 


This is how the email started:


"You are correct. I did work for them from December 1992 to October 1999."


Really? I'm correct?
A) I didn't say anything to you in the first place and
B) I'm not psychic. How the heck would I know those exact dates? And furthermore, what the heck company is she talking about?


Next line:
"The field director thought it would be best to let me be laid off even though I was the only claim assistant that lived close enough to the building in Woodland Hills. Apparently that wasn't good enough though."


No, darlin'...sometimes just the fact that you lived closest to the building vs. your other co-workers isn't enough of a reason to keep you as an employee. Sorry to have to break that news to you.


Next:
"My liability supervisor who I did have a GREAT repor with and she was my mentors told me in her Christmas card to me that the field director who laid ME off, got laid off in 2000 HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Hmmmmm HMMMMMMM!!! That's what she DESERVES!!"


Wow.


Next:
"The reason I have not returned is because my liability supervisor retired the year after that, so what was the point for me to even try to return? I ask you, what was the POINT?!??!!"


Ummmm starting to get a little wigged out here.


Next:
"Getting to the point of this reply. My main experience is in claims and I have been trying to get back in this department since I was laid off in 1999."


Really? You'd been trying since 1999? Wait. I'm confused. I thought you said above what was the point of you even trying to return? Crap. You're losin' me here. I'm tryin' to follow you but I'm on the verge of hitting delete Lisa...


Next:
"The field director, back in 1999, gave the available position to the claims rep who DID NOT have any experience working with WORKERS COMP because she had a bachelor's degree. That's ridiculous and this angers me."


K. Getting scared now.


Next:
"The computer DOES NOT make me scared."


Well you having use of the computer is legitimately scaring me.


Next:
"Please kindly FORWARD my resume to the APPROPRIATE people."


Uh...do I have to? Cuz I'm leanin' towards no right now.


Next:
"I kinda do not like when people say "NO" to me."


Oh shit. I think she heard me.


Next:
"Best wishes to you!"


Oh give me a break.

I'm scared. I'm totally and completely wigged out and can't delete this email fast enough. I do however check the time stamp from when she sent it before I send it into never-never land. 


3:36 pm. 


Yup. 
She's just plain nuts. 

7 comments:

  1. PS- In the interest of giving credit where credit is due: Barbie head/ebay ordering section of this post idea borrowed from the lovely Jen Lancaster. If you're not reading her blog you should be and you can start by clicking here: www.jennsylvania.com.
    The rest of the crap however was the combination of my pea brain and some whack job's resume.
    Thank you (as usual) for tuning in. ;0)

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  2. I'm drunk commenting right now, because it's Friday night. However, I will not rant at you a) because I'm not looking for a job and b) because I'm not psychotic (at least not in that way).

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  3. Crystal- you can drunk comment at me anytime because even drunk you are witty and hysterical ;0)

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  4. OMG!! I'm scared of that person!!

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  5. Oh wow. Knowing that recruiters look at time stamps kinda stinks because I'm a night owl in general and have sent resumes/cover letters at 2am, but not because I'm in an altered state (I don't even drink!). If this counts against me, I may have no choice but to be a professional writer!

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  6. Hello draagonfly :0)
    It's okay that you send us stuff late, it's just a habit that we have to look- kind of like a self-preservational (is that a word?) instinct where we prep ourselves for what we're about to read. Ergo- if it's crazy, we already have the time stamp in our mind so we understand why. If it's not crazy? Then the time stamp is not of importance. Does that make any sense? LOL

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  7. It is only 9:44 but I may start sounding crazy since I have been up since 4am...why am I not drunk? I feel like it, that should count for something. This seriously made me LOL and that woman is scary. I probably would have forwarded it on with a warning "I am only forwarding this because I fear for my life if I don't, what you do with it afterwards is your karma" ;)

    ReplyDelete