Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Is the advice I give appreciated? Hardly.

I know I jokingly answer some of the emails I receive here on my blog, but somebody asked me the other day if I actually ever email some of these job seekers back to let them know how badly they are fucking up their chances of landing a position. 

You bet your sweet bippy I do.

Do they appreciate my efforts at making them a better job seeker?

I pulled some actual examples of mistakes being made and my responses... and here they are, in all their glory.  

From Alexandra, with a Bachelor of Arts in English, her position as a Journalist listed with the following description:
"Worked on a featured eekly college newspaper"

I emailed her to tell her that while her exact skill set was not a match to the position she'd applied for with my company, I'm sure her journalistic and English skills were more than likely going to be an advantage to another searching employer. I also added that unless the college newspaper was actually CALLED the "Eekly Examiner," she might want to consider changing the word "eekly" to "weekly". 

From Amanda, who only had the following listed as a resume:

"Amanda J_______

Objective: to obtain a job in collections as a collections agent"

And that was it.

So here's what I emailed the Lovely SexKitten Miss Amanda (even though I knew I would do absolutely NOTHING with her):

"Dear Amanda,
Thank you for your response to my job posting on ______.com. I was just wondering where the rest of your resume is? It looked extremely incomplete and I was curious as to whether or not that is a mistake and you meant to send me something else? 
Also out of curiosity... does "Sxkitten711" in your email address stand for "Sex Kitten? And if it does, I was just wondering how you thought that might be beneficial to your job search?
Stephanie N.
Recruiting Director for ____________ "

And then there's this frequently made mistake as of late... where people are putting this junk instead of their name:

I don't know WHERE they are getting this template from (possibly Monster from what I can gather), but I get at least 1 or 2 of these resumes a week. So I finally got fed up with it and emailed this guy in particular to give him an "insider's perspective". This is what I told Mr. Paul (whose name I only know because it was attached to his email address...):

"Dear Paul,
Thank you for applying for the position of ____________ I have posted on _______________.com right now. I am attaching a picture of your resume that I took with my phone after I printed it out and placed it on my desk. Why would I do this you ask? I wanted you to see how the Recruiters and Hiring Managers of the world actually SEE what you are sending out. In a nutshell, unless the name on your birth certificate is "Error! Reference source not found." I think it's time to correct your mistake. My spidey senses tell me you'll have a better shot at actually landing a position that way.
Stephanie ..."

Did any of these job seekers actually RESPOND to my cheeky emails pointing out their stupid mistakes? 

Shits given?

Peace out my peeps.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Too funny NOT to share

Okay, this post admittedly has NOTHING to do with resumes, but this guy's sense of humor was BEYOND AWESOME, so I figured if you like me and my warped sense of humor, I'd be doing a disservice to my readers by NOT sharing this Craigslist posting with you.

Slight back story- my husband got himself a really cool bike this Christmas. It's a 1965 Honda S90. 
Here's a pic of it:

So while he found his gem of a bike on ebay, he spent many a night on Craigslist, hunting down his future sweet ride.

Here's a copy of the posting for the ad on Craigslist that has since been pulled as the bike was sold. 
Prepare to spit your beverage of choice out all over your computer screen. 
(Can't say I didn't warn you...)

Sick Ass 1971 Honda CB350 - $2300 Sherman Oaks, CA

"Hey there junior badass, ever feel like there's a caged animal trapped inside of you?

Only one cure for that: getting a fucking sick motorcycle. A 1971 Honda CB350. This golden lady will get you to work like a full-blown go hard, transport you and your shotgun through the zombie apocalypse, and give you a new platform for barreling down the boulevard with the wind tearing at your clothes screaming, "I AM ALIVE!" on the way to fucking bikram yoga.

Runs like corn through a goose. Engine rebuilt a year ago with ~400 miles on it since then.

I put new tires on the old girl, because you don't deprive a classy lady of classy shoes. I gave her a new chain because she needed some fucking jewelry.

Electric start, kickstart, fucking push start, you name it.

Why am I selling it? Cos being alive rules, and I'm far too gnarly of a dude to have a motorcycle. I see a ramp, I'm gonna hit that motherfucker going 300mph, backflip over the 405.

$2300 gets you the Golden Lady, two helmets, some fucking saddlebags, a shop manual, a quart of oil (plus all the oil that's up in her right now), a full tank of PREMIUM MOTHERFUCKING GASOLINE (91 octaaaaaaannneeee), some links to my favorite YouTube videos, a short story about robots, a cup of coffee with me, and whatever kind of donut you want."

Now THAT'S the way to write a motherfucking Craigslist posting!
Peace out my peeps!