Monday, October 31, 2011

Resumes on Halloween?

I've been wracking my brain for about a week now, wanting to come up with something a little different for this charming day as let's face it, who can concentrate on normal life when there's so much damn candy around and people are dressed like lunatics?

So for show and tell today, I would like to share a couple of things with you that I thought were pretty spectacular.

First-  a picture that one of my girlfriends up in Dayton, Nevada (yo Malinda!) sent me. If you've never had the privilege of visiting Dayton, Nevada, you're really missing out. (That was sarcasm people. Are your sarcasm detectors broken because you've been eating too much sugar? Because you barely got that one. Sheesh!)

Anyhoo- below is a REAL picture that was snapped on a Virginia City Ghost Tour. The person taking the picture was in Malinda's group and all they thought they were doing was snapping a picture of a mirror. What they found later after browsing through all the pictures they took during the evening was a little oh, how shall we say? Unsettling. 

Here is the picture- setting is an 1800's building that was originally a hospital, now they hold art classes there- sign me up for those classes!

So tell me- what do you see here? 
A young boy? 
A woman in an old fashioned dress with a bun on top of her head?
Or a man with a hat on? 

The opinions have been varied of course, and who the heck really knows anyways?

Here's another pic, this one is from my fearless co-worker Tammy who is being awesome and allowing me to share as it's kinda personal in a weird sort of way.

The photo was taken from her living room, looking out towards their back yard patio. The figure matches the exact silhouette of her deceased mother-in-law. When they went to pull back the curtains to see who was standing on their patio, there was nobody there.
Can you say freaky man???

I thought that in honor of the holiday at hand, I'd have a little fun and create a resume for ghosts in general as I think they deserve to have their own, don't you?  So I present to you, possibly for the first time ever in the history of internet stupidity:

Resume of a Ghost

To get the hell out of this building I'm trapped in.

Special Skills: 
  • Scaring the crap out of people
  • Creating footstep and banging noises on as many hard surfaces as I can
  • Slamming doors
  • Distributing goose bumps
  • Morphing into different sizes, shapes and shadows
  • Changing room temps
  • Showing up in as many people's photographs as possible by positioning myself across from every mirror in this God-forsaken building
  • Speaking into new-fangled silver metallic boxes on cue

Extra special skill: 
If I concentrate really hard I can pick things up and throw them at people, or run a penny up a wall.

  • To have my eyes show up accurately in a picture again
  • To have a conversation with somebody besides myself
  • To change my clothes
  • To get new room mates
  • To cause enough of a ruckus to have the TAPS team or Amy from Dead Files show up and investigate, then fool 'em and stay quiet in the corner until they leave

  • Avid people watcher
  • Goosing small pets- making them appear to their owners that they've totally lost their marbles

Previous Work History:
  • 1860's - ? It's been so long I don't remember

*And for those of you that even had the passing thought to get on my case about the fact that the ghost has an Objective listed on it's resume...because according to me and other resume gurus, Objectives are old-school right? So, um, yeah... exactly my case in point. Do you know anything more old-school than a ghost?
I didn't think so.

Anyways, thanks for stopping by and
Happy Halloween everybody!! 

Friday, October 28, 2011

Apostrophes 101

Aaah the use of an apostrophe.

I admit, I've been labeled as the Grammar Police a time or two.
My sister even gave me a badge for it:

Technically I'm okay with this, really I am. Although my 13 year old moans at me when I get on her about her spelling errors, what I really go postal about is the fact that people don't have the brains in this day and age (with all this incredible technology available at their fingertips mind you) to press the damn spell check button.
Which, need I remind everyone? Does all the work for you.

Sure you have to go through the random highlighted choices and click either ignore or change but dear gawd people, how freakin' lazy can you be?
Pretty unbefreakinlievable lazy.

That's why I don't understand how any reasonable adult, age 18 and above, can just willy nilly submit whatever and not give a rat's ass about it.

See here's the thing- obviously job seekers have just one shot at making an impression from that measly piece of paper. And that shot? Literally lasts seconds. SECONDS.

Wanna know how many seconds it takes me to know if the person's going to be worth taking the time to evaluate them further?
Yup you read that right, THREE SECONDS.

So here's a big secret I'm gonna share with you:
Recruiters and HR types everywhere know that how you represent yourself on paper equals how you'll represent yourself in person. And obviously that translates into how you will represent their company. I can already tell you that if items on a resume are misspelled, out of order or the whole thing's basically a massive, grammatical hell hole, that person's gonna show up to the interview late and completely disheveled. Shirt won't be ironed, hair all a's pretty much guaranteed they'll look like a hot, incompetent mess.
And that?
Could eventually turn into this if the company decided to risk it and hire the discombobulated soul:

Alright, so on to the resume that launched me off on my tirade today...

This poor, confused, incoherent job seeker sent me her resume full of the worst annihilation of the innocent apostrophe I'd ever seen... here are exact quotes taken from her lovely submission:

*Efficient with working habit's (Ha!)
*Organized in and out of working surrounding's (Liar liar, your panties are on fire!)
*Persistent in multi-tasking on a job bases's (Wtf does that even mean?)
*Tolerant in receiving positive feedback's (Well thank goodness cuz receiving positive feedback's is hard, isn't it? So glad she's able to tolerate it's's's)
*Customer service on hands's  (I could go about 20 different directions with this puppy but I'll just slowly back away...)

Clearly this numb skull missed Apostrophes 101.
As for me?

Mind. Blown.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

This One's Gold Baby!

Aha! I've struck it rich with one resume in particular today, giving me enough resume bitching blog fodder for an entire week. All on two pieces of paper. From one poor, misguided soul that should have consulted someone, anyone, for a little help before he sent it out to the universe.

Hmmm let's see. Where shall I start with this one?
So many choices, so many choices.

First off, his name is not on the resume. Or his phone number. Or what city he hails from. Or even the state.
All I've got to go on is his email address. Which fortunately has a possible first name of Ruben in it. But that's a crap shoot because some people put their nickety-names in their email addresses, so how do I know? Am I expected to call the guy and say "Hello. Is this ruben2281?" I mean, how can I keep a straight face when calling somebody and giving them a salutation that includes their email address? I might as well be saying "I'm looking for inmate number 30-05-1X, is that you?" It's just as ludicrous.

I don't think I'll need to worry my pretty little head about it too much however, as when I start to glance down the page and see his various places of employment listed (which mind you he had the brains to include THEIR phone numbers, names, addresses etc. just not HIS) I'm shocked at the things he's listed. The spelling errors are so head scratching, I can't help but giggle. The following are direct lines from his resume:

"Working petrol in riverpark aera" Wha? Is he working with British gasoline or patrolling something in a specific area?

"Implemint the company's emergeny preparedness." Maybe he was the mint distributor at an emergency preparedness meeting?

"Plan an environmental disastur." Whoa. Wait just a cotton pickin' minute now. Are you planning to harm us all? With something more than your slaughter of the English language? Should I be concerned?

"Control behavior during the operation using handcuffs and other restraints." Okay, now we're just gettin' weird here. And just for the record? This particular skill is not very useful for the insurance industry.

"Using appropirate grammer." Oh, don't even get me started on this sentence. Which technically isn't even a sentence. And pirates generally have better "grammer" than you. Arrrrrrrrrrrrr.

"Maintaining sighing employees." Wait, I don't quite understand. Do you specifically look for a company to maintain sighing employees? Or do you hold employees hostage if they sigh? Well shit, if it's the latter, the way I carry on at work, you'd lock me up within 7 minutes flat.

"Reduce the opporunity." Reduce the opportunity? Is that what you meant? And reduce what kind of opportunity? The opportunity for you to get a job because a potential employer can't understand what the heck you're saying?

But the above was nothing compared to what was at the bottom of his resume.

There he listed his "Skills."

In this exact order:

Cultur Awareness (Okay that one I sort of understand)
Sexual Harrassment (Uh oh- now we're careening into dangerous territory. This is a skill?)
Officer Stress (I imagine there would be after that last entry you just listed)
Communicabel Diseases (I saw this last one coming, it naturally follows all of the above)


I wish someone had just helped the poor boy with his resume in the first place. Unfortunately I'm not stepping up. After reading through all that, I just don't have the energy.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Those Damn Objectives

If you're familiar with my resume rants I normally advise (albeit usually in an incredibly sarcastic and snarky manner) that people NOT list an Objective on their resume.

Why? Because 95% of the job seekers out there that insist on using this old school method blow it in some fashion.

How? Usually by limiting themselves to a very specific company or job description that doesn't relate to the position or company they are applying to.

This is a result of the changing times and the shifting economy- too many fish in the job pool understandably results in a need to apply to a bevy of jobs that one wouldn't have needed to apply for years ago.
It's called desperation and I get it.
Completely get it.

Which is why I'm advising not to be on Team Objective. I don't care if you're on Team Edward or prefer to roll with Team Jacob, but just don't be on Team Objective. Change your method, adapt and be a better "fish" in the pool if you will. There are many other ways to convey your skills and talents, enticing an employer to let you contribute to the continued success of their great company. You no longer need an Objective to accomplish this.

So while I'm sure I'll cover better "methods" in the future, let's get me off my soap box for now and back to the real reason you're reading this- the humor. Shall we?

Here's the glaring example that stuck out like a sore thumb at me today and got me started on this rant in the first place: One slightly mediocre applicant put THIS as her Objective:

"Seeking for a position in Insurence where there will be enough scope to demonstrate my ability."

I guess it wouldn't have to be a very wide scope considering you can't even spell the word insurance correctly.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Just ONE, eensy weensy little letter...

Not many of you may know this about me, but from birth on, I grew up a print shop brat.

My early years were spent kicking my ball and playing with Barbies next to a Heidelberg 6 color offset press (as big and as long as an entire industrial unit and pictured below for reference) while waiting for my dad to finish a large job for the studios in Hollywood. This gradually morphed into an existence as a super busy, print shop apprentice-type teenager.

Eventually all my years of paper cuts, ink on my hands, sore back and late nights dedicated to meeting atrocious deadlines paid off, as once I became an adult, I also became the co-partner of a print shop.

While my many varied and rare talents included running 7 different kinds of printing presses, a Polar cutter and doing typesetting (both with old school hand held block type for letterpress as well as on the Mac), one of the most coveted skills I had was proofreading. Graphic designers would bring us jobs that had supposedly already passed the scrutinization of an entire panel of proofreading eyeballs in said corporation's marketing department.

But then I would get my hands on it.

And not to toot my own horn here, but toot toot!
Boy did I save the day.
And like a lot.
Nine times out of ten I would find a boo-boo before we went to press. So I'd literally save the graphic designer the following:
a) a lot of money (sometimes tens of thousands of dollars)
b) a shitload of shame and embarrassment with their client and possibly some pretty big ass chewings.

If the job had been completed and THEN the typo discovered? Not pretty.

Within no time the graphic designers were dropping jobs off at our front counter specifying at the end of the instructional conversation "Oh, and can you please have Steph look this over before it goes to press?"
Sure. My pleasure.

What does all of this have to do with resumes? I'm getting there... I'm getting there.

Cross over to my current reality, (which unfortunately- due to the economy- no longer includes the printing world) and we come face to face with me, the proofreader, reading resumes all day long. So many resumes, so many chances for error and to drive Steph bat shit crazy.

Sometimes a resume is literally OOZING with typographical errors, other times it's just one small eensy weensy little letter that can literally ruin EVERYTHING.

I present the following examples that landed in my inbox yesterday:

"I will be unavailable for about tree more weeks."

"I worked in the insurance filed."

But today's was a DOOZY.
An absolute DOOZY of a typo. Because of the very nature of the word, it's by far the worst I've ever seen.
Warning, warning! If you are squeamish or a prude- please stop reading this blog post HERE.

A lovely young lady put that she used to work at some sort of trauma center. But instead of putting "Trauma Cnt" (which I'm assuming and hoping to GAWD she meant to put to shorten up the word "center") she put this:

"Trauma Cunt"
What makes it even worse (if that were even possible) is the fact that right below it she put:
 "Provide emotional support for rape victims"

And no, I'm not putting up a clip art picture for that.

Monday, October 24, 2011

I usually don't get political but...this morning? I feel I must.

Dear President Obama,

While I think it’s really nifty that you want to come back to our fabulous digs and hang out with us cool Southern Californian’s for the second time within a month, I feel I must pipe up.

Let me just say that I can’t really blame you for wanting to have tea at Will and Jada’s house and share some salted margaritas with Antonio Banderas at his house as Lord knows I certainly would… but here’s the thing. There’s this big ass pile of resumes on my desk and those people? From those resumes? Seventy five percent of them probably voted you into office because they expected BIG THINGS from you. You were going to “fix” all this, especially our rotten economy and most importantly to them and their starving, worried-they-won't-have-shelter-for-long families, our unemployment issues.

So while it’s real fun for you to come into town, jack up our traffic, visit with celebrities and chat with Jay Leno on his show, all those people whose resumes are on my desk? With all due respect, they’d like you to return to YOUR pretty desk, sit behind it some more and figure out how the hell to help them.

Thank you for your ear,
A Concerned Citizen & Recruiter

Friday, October 21, 2011

Oh you soooooooooooo silly!

Ah creative email addresses.
I've discussed this issue many times before but some days it just bears repeating.

Coming up with an email address to use for your resume doesn't have to be difficult. And let me also point out you don't necessarily have to be boring. You don't have to stick with john.smith@ yahoo or slipintoacomawhenyoutypemyemailaddress @ gmail. The email addresses I've personally had through the years and put on my own resume have varied but aren't totally snoozealicious- sailingirl722, bekahsmomma, simibergs. So you get the idea, right? You can be creative, just don't be evil or skeevy. Don't be ridiculous. Don't use something that'll get you 86ed right away. Because let's face it, how can an HR person call you and have a NORMAL conversation with you when you've identified yourself as 666luver or junglewhore or daveto69 or prettytits220? I'm sorry, but I feel I have to speak on behalf of recruiters and HR people everywhere when I tell you to KNOCK IT OFF.
It takes all of 7 seconds to create a new email address that's reasonable. I swear, just try it.

And yes, I'm talking to you danmilks2.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Oompa, Loompa Doom-pa-dee-do

You know, let me just say right up front that when I first started my current job as a recruiter over three years ago, I never ever imagined I'd experience the gamut of emotions I go through every day just reading resumes. Glorious resumes. 

At first I thought it was neat, getting a sneak peek into people's lives and what they've been doing with themselves. I was fascinated with how they represented themselves on paper.

"Oooh look! She went to CSUN like I did, oh, and same time frame too. I wonder if she was in any of my classes?" or "Damn. He studied to be an oceanographer like I wanted to. I'm so jealous."

As the month's went by I started being a little more opinionated about what I was reading. "He was a member of  -fill in the blank- fraternity? Pull-ease. I'm callin' him but he's gonna be a cocky son of a bitch." or "This dude's an accountant, let's see if my phone call with this guy will be equivalent to talking to a wall." 

You get the idea. 

But now? 
I've evolved into a snarky, sarcastic bitch. Plain and simple. The resumes have worn me down. 

Even though I work for a large company, our particular office is really small. And it's either loud and bustling with the phone ringing off the hook and agents blowing in and out creating a whirlwind of activity, or it's as quiet as a morgue. Maybe quieter. I would even go so far as to say that sometimes it's so quiet, you can hear a spider fart. (Yes, that's pretty damn quiet. But if you've been in there when this takes place, you can attest to the fact that I'm completely on target with my analysis.)

Anyhoo- because it's usually so quiet, and such a small office, my poor co-workers are subjected to listening to my weird roller coaster ride of demented emotional reactions. First I'm laughing, then I'm saying out loud "WHAT?!? You've GOT to be kidding me!" then I grit my teeth and start seething. My poor co-workers...they endure a lot from me but fortunately, for my sake, they are kind enough to keep their thoughts of me being a fruit loop to themselves. Sometimes I'm so stunned I have to grab the resume and run into their individual offices to show them the madness. Like I need proof I'm not going crazy, that the piece of paper I'm holding ACTUALLY says that ridiculous, non-sensical thing.

While most of the bad resumes usually just keep with the same long theme of stupidity thruout, some are such doozies I have upwards of three to four different emotional reactions, just to one.

Take for example this girl. 

Let's just say her name is Sally.
Sally decided to make her resume 17 pages long. 
Wow! Impressive you say? 
Not so fast. 
Sally had all the usual things one young administrative assistant type would put on her resume, brazenly touting the fact that she "excels with computer skills". I might be impressed or even slightly inclined to agree IF in fact the other 16 pages included accomplishments, skills, or even fluff-ified volunteer work. But Sally had the stupidity to fill each page with the following crap:

amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; amp; 

and the next page was this:

mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a mp;a

So before I even TURNED to the following page, I started singing "Oompa, Loompa, Doom-pa-dee-do! I've got a perfect puzzle for you!" (Don't get all judgey on me people, it was totally a natural progression.)

But then as I kept turning the pages I started getting a little testy. Why? Because it required the limb of an unfortunate tree to print out her silly garbage. Luckily, for the tree's sake, I reuse stupid head paper mistakes like that to the best of my ability. 

I didn't however feel inclined to call the insensitive, tree murdering, non-computer skilled admin.

The End.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

You Deserve a Break Today!

The first cover letter in my inbox today started out like the majority of them read...
"I'm highly motivated...hungry for new knowledge...a highly developed great attention to detail...'' blah blah blah.

Next paragraph said another line I see occasionally: "I like to think outside the box."
This wouldn't be significant, except when I finally ran my eyes over the actual resume to see where the guy last worked, I started busting up.

He worked at Taco Bell.

So where did my pea brain go?

Does anyone else see the irony here?
Perhaps he needs to spend some time inside the bun.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Say wha?

I admire people that can speak many languages, (or "polyglots" to get all fancy on you and show my almost-made-it-all-the-way-thru-college edumakation)... I really do. But sometimes I get emails from multilingual candidates I just cannot make sense of, no matter how hard I try.
Case in point:
This head scratching email arrived in my inbox today.
Can any of you tell me exactly what this person is trying to convey? Because really, I'm dying to know.

"Dear (nobody- they left it blank)
Thank you for encourage me to establish work.
I have a few resume,because i am very good to say really, flexible, for sales insurance is easy,but unfortunately cant speaking well, but after a few days can speaking very well, eventually, iam very community."

What the hell?
Please, somebody, ANYBODY, translate this for me.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Serenity now, SERENITY NOW!!

So every once in a while I'll get a resume with "interesting" things listed on it. And by interesting, I mean I do a double take... I have to actually stop and re-read it all just to make sure my eyes aren't just blurry from reading too many. 

This young man's resume is just that kind of resume, as the entire thing was "Personal Skills".
No computer skills, no job history to report. Not even school information. 
So naturally, it caught my attention.

Listed under this massive compilation of his fine personal skills was the following snippet- in this exact order:

Stillness, serenity, peaceful, undisturbed.
Devoted to aims.
Watchful, wide awake, ready to act.
Steadfast to pursuit to an aim.
Calm ability to make suitable fit to conditions. Unflusterable.

While I'm not quite sure what "aim" Mr. Jekyll (or is it Mr. Hyde?) is referring to, in the immortal words of Frank and George Costanza, I can only scream "serenity now! SERENITY NOW!!"

Sunday, October 16, 2011

So let's recap, shall we?

Hello! Thanks for visiting my new blog. As it says in my bio over there on the left- I'm a recruiter for a large insurance firm, so I spend most of my days sifting through piles and piles of resumes. Some excellent, some good, some...not so good.

For close to a year now I've been using Facebook as my medium to bitch and moan and vent about what I see, and although that was a good medium to start, I felt it was time to "expand" my griping platform. Thus, I've created this blog. As I don't need any bleeding hearts telling me that I'm a mean bitch, I'll just say that if you're not a fan of sarcasm,  flat out bitterness, poking fun of morons, or even occasional cussing, I suggest you leave now. You've been warned.

And now for the rest of you with the cojones to hang in- here we go!

If you don't know me from boo, or are a friend but haven't been able to keep up with "Stephanie's Resume Roasts" on Facebook- here's a list of all the previous statuses I've posted, to give you an idea of what you've been missing out on. This is a long post, but I didn't want to reuse any previous "material" going forward from here, so I figured this was the best way to do it- just list them all again for everyone to scroll through and read at their leisure.

Always feel free to leave comments. Although I obviously have my own opinions about things (and state them forthrightly) I enjoy reading other people's opinions about what I post. And most of all, thanks for letting me vent.

Okay- here we go!

  • This cracked me up today…sometimes people put their “interests” on the bottom of their resumes. Usually they get carried away, citing things I would consider to be in the category of TMI, but this dude put this: “Interests- None.”

WELL Boring McSnoozy Pants- how about not putting it on your resume at all then?

  • I don’t like it in general when people put demands or parameters on a potential employer right out the gate as I think it’s off putting. Today my inbox is filled with them. Here’s just one example:“Currently my schedule is only open Tuesday Wednesday and Fridays, all day, except for 11:30am-12:10pm and 5:15pm to 5:50pm.” Is this when she eats? Or does she turn into a werewolf? And how would I place her somewhere?

T A R E  E S I
D A C H U I  .
Y E .  L  E  E Y

(Did you get it? If not...think Scrabble...get up down, not left to right etc)

  • Well it’s Monday. You know how I know? Because this was part of some girl’s cover letter to me this morning: “My other work experiences include working with the city as a life guard where I did cash analysis.” Really? All this time I thought those bathing suit clad water warriors were busy trying to save people from drowning when really, they were busy tabulating complicated figures. Silly me.

  • Please keep in mind that when you submit a resume to an employee via an attachment, we can see what you actually NAME your resume. So while “Best Resume” or “Management Resume” are perfectly acceptable, “This’llFoolEm” is not.

  • Busy job searching and frantically applying for every position in the universe without taking a moment to actually see what you're applying for? Then do what this girl did- send THIS little diddy to a prospective employer: "Objective: To obtain a position in ______________________ where I can utilize my ability to work well (with others and/or independently), my organizational skills, as well as my experience in order to improve customer satisfaction." Seriously people.

  • Want to tick off a potential employer? Then be sure to put THIS on the top of your resume: “Objective: to obtain a stable job that will work around my school schedule." Because after all, we as employers are not interested in finding people that are a) reliable and b) smart, dedicated and compassionate enough to care for our customers and their needs…WE are only interested in bending to YOUR school schedule.

  • If I get one more resume saying they want to work in "Costumer Service" I'm going to SCREAM!! Newsflash people: there are NO costumes involved with insurance. Gah.

  • Well it finally happened. I knew it was just a matter of time. Somebody put "LOL" on their resume.

  • The quality resume cover note of the day goes to...the girl that put this: "i would love an oppurtnity to work for State Farmers!".

  • I love it when I get a resume that states the candidate is presently here and presently in a different country. Really? How are they doing this? Parallel universe perhaps? This intrigues me and I'm thinking I should have them come in, just to explore this topic. Oh but wait, they aren't here... they're overseas. Or ARE they? Man this resume reading stuff is getting DEEP.

  • Dear Resume Submitters with the email addresses starting with Caramelfun26, Hottiepatottie32 and Slipandslidemarine… this is an insurance company, not Hustler. Just thought I’d clarify.

  • My favorite resume so far this morning is from the girl that worked in the "Childerns's Section" of Barnes and Noble. I think she needs to spend a little more time in a book store, but unfortunately they let her go before she could learn how to spell.

  • Here's another first…there’s a hair zeroxed/scanned onto a resume and now I’m afraid to actually TOUCH the resume. Yes, I know this is completely ridiculous, but still. This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode with the Bobka and there’s a hair on it. Elaine shoves it back at the bakery lady and says: “You sold us a hair with a cake around it.” I feel like emailing this person and telling them “You submitted a hair with a resume around it. I cannot accept this.” Gah.

  • So I just got a resume where somebody listed the year they worked as 1889. This is a first. And she put she “pays great attention to detail”. Of course she does. 

  • To the dude that put “Product Technician-RIP” as his job title on his resume: you might wanna consider losing the acronym. Because like it or not, I’m still gonna picture dead bodies no matter WHAT it could possibly stand for.

  • So the exact reverse situation from last week’s episode of the girl that put she worked in 1889 has just occurred. I now have a gentleman that said he worked in 2024. I wonder if I should ask him about the future? And more specifically, does the quality of the resumes get any better? Oh wait, never mind. Judging from his, the answer would be NO.

  • Today’s resume flub up goes to the lovely applicant that put this: “Summary: I like to work efficient and put her mind to it.”  Wow. Just wow

  • So while I pretty much never EVER recommend putting an "Objective" on your resume, this girl gets a shout out today because she got straight to the point: "Objective: To gain employment with your company." Too-shay girlfriend, too-shay.

  • I just got a resume from a girl that worked as a care giver for a guy that had Alzheimer's. While this should be a very sad thing that should not make me giggle, here is what she put that made me laugh so hard I’m actually crying: "I began while they were in stage two with there disease until he pasted away."

  • The winner so far today in this round of resumes goes to the girl that put this: Objective -To exceed my own expectations. Well that sure would be something, now wouldn’t it?

  • Here's a good diddy to have on your resume: "Flexible regarding work schedule" then 5 lines down, be sure to put "Reason for leaving last employer: scheduling conflicts" Seriously people.

  • Forgive me, oh resume submitter, but if you’ve managed to put “Acoopishments” on your resume, I have absolutely no interest in reading them.

  • This just popped into my work inbox: “I am sending you my resume for the sales position in simi valley! I would like to set up a interview with you! A quick heads up i will be out of town untill the 21st! So any time after that would be great if that works for you!” While she’s nothing if not enthusiastic, I still can’t help but feel like I’m being yelled at.

  • Oooo! Another good one! "I am happy to inform you that I exceed your job requirements!" This from a girl that lives out of state and works at Home Depot- never done a lick of insurance in her life. Ummmmmm- how about you let ME decide if you exceed the job requirements?

  • Got an email this morning from a guy that wants to come in and interview today but doesn’t have his resume ready. His email address started with undeniableskillz9@... I wonder if the 10th skill is having your resume done??

  • Here's the lame resume sentence of the day: "Possess strong customer service skills and I’m not afraid to use them." I know I shouldn't but for some reason, I feel scared.

  • So here's what NOT to put in your cover note with your resume: "I would like to see what your company can do for me." Did y'all catch that? The "me" part? 

  • Well I just got a resume from one of the most excited applicants yet: “Am I gonna be selling insurance policies??!? Please let me know!!” Talk about unbridled enthusiasm. You just don’t see that everyday in the world of insurance LOL (And 10 pts if you caught the Seinfeld reference… ;0)

  • Here’s a good resume snippit- listed under a young fella’s work experience at a local electronics store: “Things I have learned from working here were that customers need a lot of patients to deal with.” *sigh*

  • Well this guy's nothing if not eager. I'm just not sure I can verbally keep up with him when I call him. I think I can, I think I can... "Although my attached resume is practical in nature, it cannot convey the true level of eagerness to be challenged by new endeavors. You will find that I am a rapid learner with a great deal of conviction and enthusiasm that propel me to succeed." 

  • I just got a resume that was 7 pages of this: <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> I'm totally calling her.

  • Well today’s resume bounty included a guy that thought it would be a great idea to put a picture of himself on his resume. And a “creeptacular” picture at that. You know, the kind that makes all females in the office go “Ewwwwwwwww” when I show off his mug to the group? Yeah, that kind. I don’t care how HOT you think you are, very simply: Don’t. Do. That

  • A mad shout out goes to the girl that put her game-playing experience w/ FARMVILLE as her ENTIRE resume…"Game Tester” was her objective- but why oh WHY did she think I would be able to land her a job with the Farmville peeps?  No darling, I do not have the ability to help you with your frustrations with fertilizing, gaining fuel for farm vehicles or gift acceptance!!!

  • Today’s version of Stephanie’s resume roasts goes to the guy that put this in his cover note: “I feel I would defiantly excel in an opportunity like this.” Defiantly? I’m not sure how I feel about this…

  • And Stephanie’s Resume Roasts of the day goes to the guy that put THIS as his objective: I would like to obtain a career, leading a team of astrophysicists towards new discoveries. Really? Seriously? Then WHY oh WHY did you contact me at an insurance company?Gah.

  • My roast for today isn't really a roast at all... this one goes to a guy that was actually clever. His first name is Rich and his email address starts with "GetRichQuick..." Bravo!

  • And today's version of Stephanie's Resume Roasts goes to the chick that put this as her objective: "I would like to work in an environment that fits my creative, dark, quirky, imaginative personality." What I want to know is.. just how "dark" are we talking here? Should I be scared?

  • Here’s a handy-dandy job searching fact: when submitting your resume, create an email address that’s *somewhat professional*. I’m sure I speak for most of the HR people of the world at how appalled we all are on a daily basis at your lack of self-awareness. And yes, I’m talking to YOU Miss_Diva_Licious and PrettyTits220. 

  • So this week's version of Stephanie's Resume Roasts goes to the moron who has the email address that reads: ilovepeewee69@... ummmm EWWWWW. What is WRONG with people?!?

  • Today's mad shout out goes to the guy with the email “cuzIrock5050”…what does that mean? Are you only cool half the time? Or are you sporting a haircut that’s all business in the front with a mullet in the back? Please, enlighten us oh wise one. 

Okay, that's it! You're all caught up now. Stay tuned for more insanity and thanks for stopping by!