Monday, April 29, 2013

Wanna get noticed? Say this crap.

Wondering what you should say to recruiters, HR peeps, hiring managers and the like while job hunting?

How about any of these handy dandy examples?

They'll get you noticed for sho':

"I am very analytic to help notice my strong weak points."

"I am talented in design angles of communications."

"I thrive on greatness."

"I would like to be interested in your offer but wasn't I told you would need a woman."

"I believe that my mathematical and algebraic, flexible, computer and fantastic determined skills can bring to your company what your company is looking for."

"I know I'd be able to show you the skills I'd learn in 64 hours of training to show you the benefits of hiring me and my incredible self-confidence."

"I have amazing participation skills."

"My goof friend's father sold insurance, so I feel I know a lot of stuff about insurance."

"I'm 6'3" tall so I can do most things."

"I am seeking a job position that may finally offer me for an interview."

"I've been unemployed and I know a long break but I highly go back to work to me happy and whole."

"I am really interested in this job. Please give me a call to schedule an interview for Tuesday and Tuesday only."

"I have did EVERY POSSIBLE computer and office function."

"Although I am not a teacher, I have spoken English my whole life."

"I've gained numerous knowledge for your position while doing worm farming."

"I think my experience with tig welding will apply well to this job."

"Well I am just a black and white person who loves people and walks the line in life."

"Money is a NEED not a luxury for me!"

"If this is an emergency situation and you need to get in touch with me you can rich me at this number..."

"I'm very hesistant about insurance but I'm applying anyway."

"My objective is to expand myself and gain life long Partners."

"I'm a highly candidate that can more than fulfill your advertised open position."

"I am a high person ready to overcome and goals for my future."

"Thank you for replaying back my resume."

"My intereset in persuring in a field is growing in knowledge and will to severence."

"I am a very trust wordy employee."

"I am looking to interview ass soon as possible."

and last but certainly not least:

"I have basic-intermediate knowledge of wines because I drink a lot of it."

Until next time, peace out my peeps!

Sunday, April 14, 2013


Alright, let's just dive in, shall we?

The past few weeks' idiot submissions were stellar I tell you... stellar!

From James:

"Hey Stephanie, sorry it took me so long to get back to you I've had some car trouble this past week."

And that infringes on one's ability to check email how exactly?

From Jerry, who sent this message along with his equally, "legally" confusing resume:

"Per a written notice received via electrical means on March 22nd, 2013, this is in reply to a solicitation to become part of the ____ Insurance Corporation as a full time employee.

Under this assumption that this request is correct, this writer is hereby submitting a WORD document file of a professional credential report listing aspects that is connected to this applicant. This report is to be used for submission for the purposes of being an employee within the _____ Insurance Corporation structure in a position or category that is suitable for the applicant's skills and desires.

Additional credentials can be supplied to the parties in question upon written reply."

WTF? Just WTF is that??

From Mitchell:

"Please copy my work email as I read those emails first. It's mitchell@

From Ashley:

"I have an incomparable ability to institute instant relationships with people based on stupendous communication proficiency."

From Adam:

"My active experience and sharpened skills imbibed through quality education can produce MIRACULOUS results. My diligence and integrity can benefit the company and the customer rapport can be BEYOND BELIEF!"

Oh Adam, I'm sure there are a few things about you that are "BEYOND BELIEF".

From Jason:

"Customer service rep- Company: Unknown."

Really? Just... really!?*?!?

From Laurie:

"I prepair food and degrease the drive thru platform thingy."

From Sandra:

"I get well with others"

From Charlene:

"Owner of a hair salon. Experinced in mixing colors and aplicating to heads."

Dear Charlene- not only are you not getting a call for the job I've posted, but you are also *never* touching my head.

From Renzi:

"Hi Steph,
Interested to know more about this job. Please contact me at 805-555-1212 and leave a message. I will gladly show up for a seminar with you. Leave information of your available schedule, give me a post of calendar of events you have. Perhaps just leave the details through email."

So... I have to suddenly conjure up and run a seminar for you?
And perhaps you might just want to quit bossing me around with your "contact me this way or contact me that way" bipolar tendencies.

From Shane:

"I would pack 10-55 punds of cheese at a faced pace onto line belt to get Sherrded into little pieces."

From Alana:

"Attached is my resume for working with your company. I will be available shortly.
PS My phone number is on vacation right now because I'm overseas."


From Teresa:

"Technical Skills: IBM Selectric III typewriter"

Well if I had a time machine to transport us back to 1983, we'd be all set now wouldn't we Teresa?

From Brenda:

"I have long-desired a position close to home with a stable company that provides me excellent benefits. I also want to be provided with potential for advancement and afforded the opportunity to better utilize my under-utilized, amazing skills."

Well you're just going to be "long-desiring" that position until the end of the world with that attitude Miss Brenda.

From Brenda's equally selfish twin, Vanessa (who works at the GAP mind you):

"Hi Stephanie, I am interested to see what your office has to offer me."

From Joshua:

"this is my most recent resume copy.......... let me know if your still intressted."

Dear dear Joshua. Please don't lead with your "prepare to be disappointed plus I can't spell for crap" foot. 

From Arnold:

"For family issues I traveled back to Argentina three weeks ago, I think back to US in August/September/October and expect to meet with you then."

Wow Arnold. It's rather presumptuous of you to just assume we will magically hold this position for you. Dip. 

From Bill:
A TWENTYFUCKINGFOUR PAGE RESUME that ended with this statement, rendering me incredulous:

"I hope this brief statement gives you an idea about my experience and background."

WTF is BRIEF about a 24 page resume?!?? 

From Joe:

"Teaching and giving advice to me was like a ball to a soccer player."


From Allison:

"I have always been good at managing my family during the Great Recession".

The Great Recession? Is this a new catch phrase I was unaware of?

And last but not least, one of my all time FAVES... drum roll please... from David:

"Hello Miss Stephanie. My name is David. First of all I am really am greatful am thankful for you to take your time to email me. I am speechless and I couldn't say a word right now. My mind is thinking that I should go for this and give it a shot and this job would mean alot to me and my parents. I really want to thank you for emailing me. I am really need to think this over and need to talk it over with my parents. I am interested in this job. I am a hard worker. I never thought of becoming a business person but I am interested to work in this company and I am truly greatful you emailed me. I am crying in my room when I got this email. I have goosebumps in my skin, I am really excited. I will talk to my parents and what they think."

Aww David...I feel compelled to hug you and then take you immediately to the doctor for meds. We'd of course have to check with your parents first.

A hearty thank you to the above useless job seekers for inflicting me with mood poisoning. 

Until next time, peace out my peeps!