Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Objectives: How They'll Kill Your Chances in 2.5 Seconds Flat

I know, I know. 
I've talked about Objectives before. Like here as just one example, just in case you missed out.

Apparently it bears repeating as I can't seem to shake Bad Objectives. They're like a bad camel toe on a tacky redneck ho at the local watering hole. They're freaking EVERYWHERE. Probably on 90% of the resumes I view on a daily basis. And it's a shame, it's a crying shame. 

So here's this week's compilation so far. 
(And it's only FREAKING Wednesday.)


"To secure a property management position..."
(And I can help you with that exactly how?)

"To land a position as an Enrollment Counselor with the University Support Services"
(Ummm sorry, can't help you.)

"To work on an oil rig"
(Now you, I can totally hook you right up with that. I'll just take you out on my sailboat and throw your stupid ass overboard as we round the platform.)

"To be a dental assitant" 
(You should probably learn to spell it first.)

"My objective is to be a teacher" 
(This one was followed by a "When should I come in?" Ummm how about NEVER bitch.)

"I want to be a Java Developer person"
(How nice for you.)

"To employ my knwoledge and experience with the intention of securing a job with the LAPD"
(Well of course, this makes perfect sense. Oh and don't worry about spelling, just wield your gun in a controlling and scary manner. That'll handle any questions regarding your IQ.)

"To obtain a challenging position in the diverse area of land organics"
(WTF is that?)

"To be a secret agant" 
(There's so many different directions I could go with this one...)

"To be the best scareactor I can be"
(Head down to the 170, exit at Cahuenga Blvd, and head up to Universal Studios Drive. Moron.)

"To use my affable personality to win over my soon to be employer at Walmart"
(Affable? OOOO big word! You deserve better than Walmart... seriously you jovial and gregarious SOB.)

"To apply my Mangement Science degree to where I lice in Ventura county" (Where you LICE? BAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, and nice to see you managed to get a degree and you can't even SPELL IT RIGHT.)

"To acquire new skills in helping others with their academic career." 
(? I don't even know what to say to this...)

And the winner of the last 3 days goes to:
"Objective: When i was three years old thats when my life changed. it was the very first time I played a video game. i immeditly became fascinated with japanese animation i want to own an animation company shortly to relive my childhood. Also, i like people. people that play video games"
(I have no words. Total loss for words.)

Oh wait, I'm suddenly full of words again:

Umm HELLO MCFLY?? How fucking stupid can you be? 

I mean SERIOUSLY people. This is the easiest thing to fix on your resume, just TAKE IT OFF.
(And I don't mean your clothes, cuz yeah, I've gotten photos of people that appear to be missing their clothes sitting at the top of their resumes. THAT is NOT going to win you any brownie points either, just for the record... the only thing that will do is engage my gag reflex.)

So you know what I did with all of those resumes? 
Chucked them. 
Because I (read: us recruiters, HR people and hiring managers) have NO patience for this crap. If you can't take the time to adjust your resume to MY particular job posting? I won't take the time to read the rest of your damn resume. 
It's give and take here people. 
Simple as that.

It takes me all of 2.5 seconds (if that) to get that far down on the page and then you're outta-here's-ville. 

So a nice high five goes out to all the freaking douchecanoes and asshats that submitted their resumes to me in the last 3 days with Objectives. Good job! 

OOO wait! I have a better one!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some vodka that needs drinking as it will help me forget about your silly Objective ways. 

Peace out my peeps.

Monday, August 20, 2012

A Taleo Tirade

Ahhh ... the lovely topic of Taleo.

Unfamiliar with what the heck Taleo is?


a) you've not been unemployed or a job seeker in this recent global economy debacle


b) you've only applied to companies that are "old school" or "better" than the POS ones that use the stupid system.

In all fairness, let me back up and take a moment to enlighten some of you: Taleo is a software system that companies purchase to help them streamline their recruiting processes... it's a "Talent Management Software" company ... providing their customers with "improved recruiting so you can know more about your candidates and build a high performance workforce."

Ummm bullhonkey.


That's a crock of shit.

I have never personally (knock on wood) had the unfortunate experience of going through the stupid process either from a recruiter standpoint OR as a job seeker, but the asinine system is still a thorn in my side for one main reason: I do my best to help my resume clients successfully get through the system. Or at least gear their resumes to get through the mess of it and give them pointers on how to maneuver it without becoming an alcoholic or resorting to outright violence on unsuspecting passersby.

This wonderful Taleo system that touts the ability to "provide a smooth and automated conversion experience from candidate to employee..." is usually one of the first topics of conversation I end up having with my new resume clientele. At least 95% of the time the poor souls that come to me have already been subjected to this incredibly cumbersome, redundant, piss poor, pile of rubbish software system and are angry beyond angry that they've spent so much time trapped in the database hell. 

Seeing as how the company that I recruit for (fortunately) doesn't use this system, I was personally unfamiliar both from the recruiter and job seeker standpoint as to just what specific "things" were happening to my honest and faithful clients, so I did a little investigating. 

To the point where I used an online fake resume I found and decided to apply as a fake job seeker. 

(Do you see the extent I go to in the name of research people?) 

What I found was not only appalling, but also right on target as to the complaints I'd been hearing.

Here are my observations... 

First thing I thought was incredibly stupid- they make you choose which country you are from in this HUMONGOUS list of countries, which included places like the Heard and McDonald Islands. 

Now, have you ever even HEARD of the HEARD or McDonald Islands? I didn't think so. That's more than likely because they are both uninhabited, barren Antarctic islands. 
That's right, uninhabited. 
As in zero, zip, nada actual humans living there.
And yet the option to choose that you LIVE there is in this system. 

Second thing: 
They are obsessed with rows. Picking "rows" of things, not normal job description names, rows. ?

Third: you're referred to as a "Data Subject" in their privacy policy. (Betcha didn't read that closely now did you?)

Fourth: you can't use the backspace arrow. Don't even think about it. You'll scream at the cat or the poor unsuspecting guinea pig trying to peacefully nap in the corner of your office. (This *may* or *may not* have happened.)

Fifth: The questions they ask you to answer don't even match the job description. This level of fun might be equated to having a root canal done.

Sixth: They ask for too much personal information... first it's social security numbers, then what? How about all my bank accounts and credit card information? Or my blood type, my house alarm code, and a list of all my darkest, deepest fears? 

Worst offense? Having to replicate your resume by bits and pieces into their data base, only to later attach your resume anyway. This is the biggest complaint I get from my job seekers, so here's a handy dandy tip: have a separate Word doc at the ready with everything broken apart, ready to copy paste. Sorry, there's really no other way around it.

Now that I've pointed out those obvious blundering system malfunctions, let's analyze this, shall we?

Taleo was already bad to begin with, but once Oracle purchased them? It only went downhill. The customer service is close to non-existent, the only thing they tend to do is ask you for (via email because you can rarely get a live person) a screenshot of the error message, and half the time you won't get an error message, it just takes you back to the beginning to start over completely, leaving you unsure of whether or not everything you've just spent hours on (literally) has been washed down the drain and it was all a futile endeavor. 

Then they (the customer service idiots) run away like scared little children, never to respond, leaving a large, vapid, gaping hole in your little job seeker soul. 

So why do hiring companies use this software?
That really is the pertinent question, now isn't it?

Let me just tell you that from a recruiter's perspective, I get it. 

I'm overwhelmed every day with just the list of tasks and responsibilities I've been given on a daily basis--- and that's in my little corner of the world, where I'm only in charge of about 4 different types of positions to recruit for. I can only imagine what other recruiters and HR peeps are going through if they are receiving hundreds of thousands of applicants applying to a list of multiple jobs being offered. This software system is (to my knowledge) one of the very few being offered up to companies to help corral the incredible demand they cannot keep up with. And I mean CANNOT keep up with. It's insane people. Looking at one resume after another by hand takes TIME people, a lot of TIME. The kind of time Flavor Flav-used-to-wear-around-his-neck kind of time. 

So hiring bodies to *correctly* sift through the unbelievable piles of resumes costs money. And mo' money means that company's product cost goes up as we KNOW that the cash outlay has to go somewhere, so best and most likely scenario? 
To the end consumer.

It's kind of a vicious cycle, dontcha think? It's like the basic "do we send it overseas to make it cheaper or keep all the jobs here in America but the price will go up" decades-long debate if you think about it. Do we pay for a more expensive product so more people can be hired and not only that but more *qualified* people can be hired? This is the ultimate question, no? Is it possible that America's job situation is possibly being "hindranced" by this POS system? Is it? (Boy I'm getting deep today aren't I? Whew!)

I have a close girlfriend that was explaining her experience with Taleo to me a few weeks ago. She found a company that she really stood behind as far as their mission statement, customer service standards etc., so she decided to apply to a great position they had available 10 minutes from her home base. What went down in the next hour an a half in her little apartment was what one would possibly classify as commonplace across America today- she ended up drowning in the Taleo nightmare and screaming at her screen while her poor little pets were hiding under the bed until mommy logged off. 

She told me she finally said "Fuck you _______! (insert name of company there) I'm not going to work for you! Why? Because you're using this stupid system and I don't like it! It means you're trying to weed out the smart, creative ones and looking for the dumb and dumber compliant applicants that are totally docile and have no common sense or any type of ACTUAL personality! YOUR LOSS _________!"

And I would say, I might just agree with her. 

While I see it from the company/recruiting perspective that it's supposed to be a time saver, is it really accomplishing the ultimate goal? Which SHOULD be to get the most qualified candidates? 

Some would argue that yes, in fact, if they can't be compliant, they won't be good employees. I think this is true *a little bit*. I like the think outside the box kinds personally, and usually go after them when I'm recruiting, vs. a wall flower. But that's just me and my style, and the particular jobs I'm trying to fill.

So what do you think? Do you think saying "Fuck you!" to a company that utilizes this garbage software is worth limiting your job options? Or in this economy is the risk too high, you need to be patient and take every opportunity you can grab, regardless of how grueling it might be?

What horrible Taleo-type stories and tirades do you have that you'd be willing to share with me/us? 

As an added bonus here, I'm putting this link up, to give you a heads-up as to what companies use this software. And... you're welcome:

Because as Flavor Flav would say, "We're keepin' it real, yeah boy!"

Friday, August 10, 2012

It's Friday! Friday!

Do you have that stupid song stuck in your head now? No?
Well here, let me fix that for you...
One of the worst songs EVER
Pretty bad huh?

No, you know what's possibly worse?
Now we're all suffering together.
You're welcome.

I don't have much to say today... well that's a lie. Total and complete outlandish lie. I actually have a LOT to say today, but no time to say it. I'm so incredibly buried under my "normal" responsibilities and my fabulous new resume clients I got in this week, that I barely have time to comb my hair and brush my teeth. (TMI?)

So in the meantime, until I can get my sanity back in order, I thought I'd leave you with a funny cartoon that I found:


More fabulous resume blunders next week... in the meantime...

If you're pulling out your hair over your (possibly) crappy resume...