Monday, April 16, 2012

I prefer not to have to move...

Happy Monday everybody!
Back to the resume silliness!
I've been working virtually for my "normal" job for about a week now, so fortunately I still have access to the stupidity that doth maketh everyone laugh. Truth be told, I feel I must confess a little secret: I also have an entire drawer full of senselessness that more than likely makes up an entire YEAR of blog postings (no joke) so nobody panic! The material is overflowing like an angry volcano.

Today's example of resume absurdity is brought to you by "Ronald".

Ronald didn't really have a resume. 
Or at least he was fooling himself into thinking he did when he put together 6 sentences and called it a day.

Here's what Ronald submitted to me, I'm assuming expecting me to scramble for the phone and call him:

Summary: Over 25 yeas Restaurant Anagemnt experience. Looking for a career in anything that doesn't have to do with restaurants.
Objective: Restuarant Manager
Employer: _____________, Santa Baraba, CA
Duties: General Anager: responsible for total operations and profitibility of a full servie multi million dollar causual dining restaurant and bar.
Skills: FAUILURE IS NOT AN OPTION, PILOTS LICNESED.
Additional comments: Perfer to stay in area.


Okay, so wait just a cotton pickin' minute, hold on now.
There are so many things to rip apart here, I hardly know where to start.

First of all, Ronald, I can't believe anybody would let you a) get your pilot's license and b) be the manager of a restaurant. Oh sorry, I meant pilot's "licnese" and be the "Anager" of a "restuarant". (For the record, Ronald, your spelling errors are so atrocious, even my 13 year old bristled when she saw your boo-boos on paper.)

Secondly, if you are trying to get out of the restaurant business (as your summary states) then why did you put on the next line down that you have an objective of BECOMING A RESTAURANT MANAGER? 
Could you be any more stupid, contradictory, or schizophrenic?
Wait, don't answer that. You probably could if you just applied yourself. 
Because after all, to use your brilliant choice of words, "FAUILURE IS NOT AN OPTION".

And where is Santa Baraba anyway? I've never heard of the place, is it nice?
I sure hope so, considering the fact that you prefer not to relocate. 

I do have to speak candidly here however, and tell you I don't think you will have to worry about being relocated Ronald, considering your resume is one of the most pathetic I've ever seen. 
There's a 99% chance you're not going anywhere bud. 
Just keep those moving boxes in the attic and be grateful you're employed at all as there are MANY MORE talented people waiting in the wings that deserve your job a LOT more than you do. 

Gah.




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