Friday, April 20, 2012

A Recap of Random Stupidity (plus notes on how NOT to recover from surgery!)

Hello there!
I'm back in the blogosphere, thought it was time I popped my little head in to say hello and throw around some resume humor.

How's everyone been these past few days?

This has been my final week of recovering at home after my surgery where I had some "parts" removed. I'm on week 2 since the big day, but have to return to work on Monday, even though my doc has repeatedly warned me against it. But a girl's gotta work, and (unfortunately) can only do so virtually without losing her job for so long. (Insert motions of Tiny Tim playing the mini violin on your shoulder here ____________. For those of you that are too young to know what the hell I'm talking about, here's a YouTube clip that might just be more your speed, where Mr. Krabs is demonstrating what I mean here. )

Anyhoo- even though this isn't my first time at the rodeo surgery-wise, I've learned some things about recovering and have compiled this handy dandy list for you to keep in mind, should you find yourself in a similar situation:

1. Don't attempt to do even a quarter of what you would normally do. I know this may seem lame or too obvious to be pointing out, but trust me on this, just take off the Superwoman/Superman cape and keep it in it's glass case until you're fully recovered.

I learned this the hard way and got a partial lecture from the doc my first week out.

The jist of it went something like: "If you don't slow down and take it easy, all your other organs located around the surgery site could collapse in at a most unexpected moment, and then we'll have to do much MORE major surgery down the road when you don't want to interrupt your life. Kapeesh?"
(Okay, she is a tiny, beautiful little Puerto Rican thing and didn't say Kapeesh, but if she was Italian, I'm sure she would have. Also- for those of you that like to email me and take me to task on spelling errors- yes I KNOW that Kapeesh is actually correctly spelled capisci. But most people don't know that and thus the need to use a different version. So you can back off meaners!)

On to #2!

2. Don't order up a lot of comedies off Netflix. Comedies = laughing and laughing = hurting stitches. To be noted in case you ignore Rule #2- get a pillow and hold it tightly on your parts that jiggle when you feel the need to chuckle. Or sneeze. Sneezing SUCKS.

3. Don't watch or listen to anything sappy and/or emotional. Anesthesia apparently induces depression in some folk, to the point where you might be slobber crying over a stupid Richard Marx song that reminds you of a boyfriend past when you would normally just say "That shit sucks" and quickly change the channel and/or station.
(Yesterday was my crying day, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. The cats were considering calling 911.)

4. Don't expect your Draw Something and Words with Friends scores to improve while hopped up on narcotics. Yes, you may have more time on your hands, but more time, coupled with narcotics, does NOT equal a higher IQ or game score. As a matter of fact, I think it's important to tell you upfront that your ability to kick ass in these games drops. Considerably.

(This? Is pretty cool. This? I did not draw. Not at all.)

5. Don't isolate yourself too much. Yeah, you're gonna have moments when people are driving you crazy and trying to do TOO much for you and in your head you'll be all like "Just leave me the EFF ALONE!" because you want some peace and just want to rest. But don't go for a long run of days without seeing friends or family for 12 hour stretches at a time. It can possibly result in you talking to teddy bears that used to belong to deceased loved ones and resorting, once again, to #3.

6. Don't remain completely sedentary. Try to take yourself on little walks around the block like a 3 year old. You will look more like an 82 year old at the pace you can probably keep, and your stitches and insides will hurt when you return, despite how slow you've forced yourself to go, but it will be worth it. Your attempt at clawing your way out of Pathetic Land will pay off. Just remember to look both ways when crossing the street.

7. Don't over do on the sweets. People usually go one of 3 ways when giving "recovery" gifts to a friend or family member: flowers, reading material, or candy. Just because there is an entire box of beautiful truffles, a lovely tray of Oreo cookies, a box of Skittles, a box of Whoppers, and a box of Junior Mints on your nightstand, this does NOT mean you need to eat all of them within 2-3 days time. Just sayin.

8. Don't forget to have tissues nearby for when you attempt to put your "real" clothes back on, as this will make you cry. Transitioning from "surgery recovery gear" to normal clothes will be traumatic. I guarantee it. Jeans will require an extra box of tissues. Especially if you didn't pay very close attention to rule #7.

9. Don't get frustrated with your pets. Even though it makes no sense to you why in the world they feel the need to lick a hole in your hand to take care of you or why they think they need to continually walk all over your wounded body parts, don't get upset with them. They do these odd behaviors out of sincere concern for your well being.

10. And last but not least- don't get uber pissy with your loved ones. Just because they bark at you when you attempt to bend over and pick up a feather off the floor, or they tell you to "settle" one too many times, still love them. They mean well and just want you to recover faster so you can stop annoying the hell out of them with all your demands.

Alright! So now you've got your list, just in case you need it!

Onto the resume humor!

My virtual work week seemed to be an odd hodgepodge of random stupidity. Lots of little things I noticed here and there that just stuck out and bugged me right away ... fortunately for you my little blog reading chickadees, I kept them in a nice neat pile on my desk for a post such as this!

So here they are, in all their glory!

"My choisen trade is Heating, Ventalation, Air condisioning, and Refrigeration Technision."
This was in a cover note to me. The question is, WHY??

"My name is Eliot. And I'm looking for a steady job. You may look at my resume and think that I have moved around a lot. Truth is I have. But truth also is, I'd like to stop."


"I like schedule the time. thank you."

This is the 2nd person I've had say this to me. You are fond of scheduling time you say? Then you need a different job than the one I'm offering. 

"I have Golobal directlly Experience since 10(Ten) year."
What? Just, what?

"My number has changed. Please make a note of it. 
I will update my rusume soon."

Well said Napoleon, well said. 

"At this time I'm looking for work in the property management field. But I do have all the qualities you recuested. I just can't make up my mind."

Why are you bothering to contact me then? 

"As appealing as a job sounds, I would love to be convinced out of the fear."

Fear? Fear of what? Putting a sentence together correctly??

"I'm interested in your job posting but am heading in another direction. Presently, however, I'm heading in a different direction."

You said that. Twice. I don't think you know where the eff you are heading. Somebody get this one a GPS!!

"I'm poor and unemployed. I need a job like NOW. Contact me if you are interested in paying me for my services."

Sorry cupcake, but with a shitty attitude like that? Not a chance.

"It's defiantly safe to say I know the ABC's of sales... ALWAYS BE CLOSING. You know that saying right???"

I would have to defiantly say that yes, I'm familiar with that phrase. Although I've come up with my own to apply to candidates such as yourself and it's called "ABS" which stands for ALWAYS BE SHREDDING.

(I seriously NEED one of these size shredders. I started salivating when I found the pic of it online.)

And there you have it folks!
My virtual work week's compilation of Random Stupidity.

Thanks for stopping by!
Peace out.


  1. Thank you so much for the laughs today! I almost cried towards the end with how much this blog made me laugh...great job!

  2. You weren't meant to eat it all at once!

  3. @Anonymous- thanks for the virtual high five! ;0)
    @Crystal- I wasn't? Huh. Silly me. :o0