Monday, December 31, 2012

Dear Stephanie- An Advice Column-esque Write Up, Complete With a FUCK YOU to 2012!

Well today is officially the last day of 2012.
And all I have to say to that fact is good fucking riddance.




Oh sure, some of you out there will be all like "Wait! 2012 was like my BEST YEAR EVAH! 2012 was the year I: got married/had a baby/bought my first house/got a new car/reunited with my family" etc etc. Well yippee skippy dippy for you. 

I'm happy for you, really I am. 


Now don't get me wrong, I accomplished a lot of shit in 2012, but seriously, it was painful and like trying to drunk swim in a river of molasses at times. (I've tried it before, so I know of what I speak.)

Work was a bitch and an uphill battle most of the time, construction on the purple box we purchased has been non-stop and we're still living with THIS in the goddamned kitchen area:


Oh ugly 80's fireplace wall, how I LOATHE thee.

2012 also represents the fact that I worked through another pretty big surgery removing a vital body part, I learned to live with not only my regularly "fussy" titanium-laced fused spine, but, just for good measure, I added a neck herniation to the mix.

I also somehow adjusted to being the mother of a high school daughter in Color Guard... which is actually a positive but damn if I didn't learn how to 
a) rearrange my life to her (odd) schedule 
(read- get LITTLE to no sleep) 
and 
b) come to terms with the thousands of dollars I spent pouring gas into my truck to haul her ass back and forth to all her events. (I'm pretty sure I work full time just to be able to afford my teenager.)

I also didn't get to write nearly as much as I'd intended. 




But so what really- I know I've got it good compared to the hundreds of thousands of job seekers in our country, I should just shut the fuck up right? 
Right.

So on that note, I'll stop my bitching and get to the real reason you're all still here- let's send out 2012 with a Smashing Resume Mockery send off, shall we? 

This will be a version similar to Dear Abby, but we'll call it "Dear Stephanie". These are actual emails sent to me directly, or just stupidly included in the job seekers' cover notes. Ready? Ready.
Or as DJ EZ Rock says here "HIT IT!"

"HI STEPHANIE MY NAME IS ERIKA I JUST RECEIVED YOU. IMA INTERESTIED IN LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY BUT ONLY HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH ASPHALT COMPANIES. WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO?"

Dear ERIKA,
I CAN ALMOST SPOT THE INCOMPLETE SENTENCES AND TYPOS YOU'VE SPRAYED ME WITH LIKE THOSE ASPHALT COVERED PARKING LOTS YOU HELP BUILD, BUT I TRUTHFULLY CAN'T GET PAST THE NOISE FROM YOU YELLING AT ME IN ALL CAPS TO HELP YOU. THAT IS ALL.


Yes, this is a pic of women laying asphalt. Leave it to the internetz to have this kind of shit for me to use.


"Dear Stephaanie,
I would be great full if I could meet with you. 
Sincerely,
Jay @bjay69@---"

Dear BJay69,
Does that email address stand for "blow job 69? or Big Jay 69? Because you've definitely intrigued me and I wholeheartedly agree that a meeting between the two of us would be "full of great" as you say. Hit me up on the Craigslist personal ads, yo!
Sincerely, 
Busty Recruiter Chick





"Dear Stephanie Recruiter,
Thanks for taking time to read through my lengthy resume. As you can see, I most recently worked for our wonderful company but got tired of working 40 hours a week so I quit. My husband seems to think this was a mistake, so I'm wanting to pursue a career with ______ Insurance again. Thanks for helping me get back into good hands.
Sincerely,
Lacey"

Dear Lacey,
Well you really BLEW THAT now didn't you? Good luck in divorce court.
Sincerely,
Stephanie Recruiter in Good Hands Land





"Hello Stephanie,
My name is Devin and attached is my most current resume. Just a little bit about myself: I am 26 years old and have a great work ethic. While most 26 year olds are out of work and hanging out on their parents sofas playing Call of Duty, I am not that guy!!!!! I do not hang out and wait till someone literally comes knocking on my door to offer me a job. No sirreee. I am a definite go getter. Times have been slow for me though. I do live with my parents and have found myself on their sofa playing Call of Duty more than I'd like to admit. I need something to fill in my days that I have free. When I have nothing to do that will make me money, I go a little CRAY CRAY if you know what I mean. ;0) I am one money hungry man and looking to just scoop it up. 
Thanks for listening to me, if you're still reading this.
Best!
Devin"

Dear Call of Duty Devin,
Please have your parents take you to get your meds adjusted and like STAT. I've got enough fucking CRAY CRAY in my office as it is, if you know what I mean, wink wink.
Sincerely,
Recruiter Steph/Unlicensed Mental Health Professional





"Dear Stefanie,
I am interested in the position you have posted online but i have a question. Since I'm a full time student I was wondering if you knew the hours that the job has available to work. I go to school 6 days a week and have been searching for a place that can adjust to my schedule. Below is my schedule so you can let me know if the position can accomodate me. Here's the hours I have available to work:
Monday 5:30 pm -7:00 pm
Tuesday 3:30 pm - 6:15 pm
Wednesday 2:30 pm - 3:45 pm
Thursday 3:30 pm - 4:25 pm
Friday 10:15 am - 2:15 pm
Saturday 11:00 am - 1:40 pm
Sunday- I don't want to work on Sundays. That's my only day off.
Oh and my semester ends shortly, so my schedule will be much different next semester. Thanks,
Allen"

Dear Allen,
Thanks for inquiring about the position I posted online. I sure would love to be able to help out an ambitious and flexible young person such as yourself but instead I'll just say FUCK YOU and your ridiculous parameters. 
Best!
Stephanie





"Dear Compassionate Hiring Manager,
I currently have a job that has nothing to do with insurance, but I assure you that I can learn, and fast! One of my life's mottos is "Safety first, be cautious, joyful and loving!"
Thanks so much for your consideration.
Wendy."

Dear Wendy,
Awww that's so sweet. I'm sorry to inform you that you cannot handle the job you are applying for. I'll also save you a lot of world lesson heartache now and simply say this: go play with puppies.
Sincerely,
Compassionate Recruiter Chick





"Hi, this is my resume and my clover letter and one listed reference. please look at it. all. if i'm good for you and the position, please say it to me. and email me back this mail or call me at the number i left on my resume.
-Charlie"


Dear Charlie,
I looked at it. 
All. 
I fear you would not be good for me OR the position in any capacity, so I will say it to you as you so clearly requested- YOU SUCK. I hope this mail method was acceptable to you, and furthermore, I will not be calling the number you left on your shitty resume.
PS I was expecting Clovers and Lucky Charms to be included... thanks for getting my hopes up for NOTHING.
Best of luck to you with your futile job hunt!
Stephanie






"Hi Stephanie,
Thanks for looking at my resume. I really appreciate it. I am a gifted and decisive proven leader that creates and maintains outstanding relationships. I look forward to improving your work environment with my presence.
Regards,
Preston"

Dear Preston,
Congratulations! You are this week's winner of the "Most Over-Blown Description of One's Qualifications" Award! This is a special endowment only bestowed upon the most deserving. And while I'm sure all of your great experience FOLDING CLOTHES AT THE GAP would come in handy at my house, your presence in my work environment would do anything BUT improve it.
Good luck Sunshine!
-Stephanie




"Dare Hiring Person:
I am looking for a part-time or full-time job that will help highlight my strong personality. I currently work as a volunteer at the Parks and Rexs and intend to graduate shortly.
Thanks for ur help,
Joe"

Dare Joe,
As it wasn't indicated on your resume, please send me the name of the school you will be graduating from shortly. I need to call them and tell them they should be ashamed of themselves for giving you a diploma in anything other than stupidity.
Oh, and you're very welcome for the help!
-A Concerned American Citizen





"Dear Stephanie,
I am excited to apply for the highest ranking position I could find listed with your office. I am a very fast learner, so please do not let my lack of experience in your industry disuade you. I ALWAYS finish all of my task. I do not like to leave any untask or activity unfinished, and I can mult-tit-task. I just recently stopped working and really need this job. 
Thanks,
Mariana"

Dear Mariana,
While I appreciate your incredible enthusiasm and interest in my highest ranking position far above your skillset, I think your short time at Jack In the Box speaks against your argument for never leaving any tasks unfinished. There are still fries to be fried. 
PS What is "mult-tit-task"ing? Is that some new way to fry fries? With your tits? Perhaps that's why you recently stopped working. You might want to look into that.
-Stephanie


There really are some things that can't be unseen huh? Sorry 'bout that. Had to do it.


"Dear Recruiter Person,
Hello i am sending this in response to the job posting i saw i feel i posses the characterhistics you are looking for from my previous employers i have gained a lot of costumer service experience and i am a very self motivated individual always thriving for the business i am interested in the job and will be looking forward to hearing from you thanks for yor time.
Paul"

Dear Paul,
Thank you for causing me to weep at my desk. You have been super helpful to me this morning, what with the whole "sending me into a spiral of self-questioning related to my particular career choice of being a recruiter over finishing my degree in English to become a teacher for sorry asses such as yourself" thing. I appreciate the reminder of why I actually drink at night.
Oh, and by the way, THERE ARE NO FUCKING COSTUMES IN INSURANCE. I felt you should know this for all the other insurance-related positions you're about to apply to and get turned down for.
Sincerely,
Alcoholic Recruiter Person




And that's it for now my little chickadees!
If you plan on ripping it up and drinking like a sieve like I will probably do tonight, please do it around people that love you, will only partially make fun of you, and will make sure you get your sweet ass safely to bed without hurting others. 


Oh and as far as 2013... I'm ready, BRING IT BITCH!



2 comments:

  1. I missed this last week! But this was brilliant, so I don't want you to think it has gone unnoticed. People are just ridiculous, yes?

    I hope 2013 kicks ass for you, chica!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I need more articles and blogs please post soon.
    resume writing tips

    ReplyDelete