Thursday, February 7, 2013

Oh boy oh boy oh boy

Well I know I've disappeared for awhile here ... and I wasn't going to say anything about it or point it out ... was just going to carry on as if I hadn't skipped a beat or been missing at all, but a lot of you have noticed and have been concerned enough to contact me through the 16 (yes I counted) creative ways to get a hold of me to ask me "WTF?!? Where did you go? I NEED TO LAUGH" etc.

So thank you, those of you that claimed I'm missed. 

You made me feel *super special*, almost like a minor D rated celebrity for half a second there, but your message has been received, loud and clear. 

I need to keep writing, not only to make you poor saps laugh but to help me keep my sanity.

It's been exactly 30 days since I last blogged. 
30!

That's an epic number for me considering a couple of years ago I posted almost EVERY SINGLE DAY.

So WTF could be going on that's been keeping my attention from blogging you might ask? 

Well here's a list of some of the things I've managed to accomplish while I've been away.

Since I'm a jokester and the court jester for most of the hours that make up my typical day, these accomplishments/distractions may or may NOT be true, so I'll just let you speculate which ones are accurate:

I've been over-run with resume orders. 
I've been secretly writing a book.
I'm knee deep in an office move at my insurance job.
There's construction going on at my house.
I have a teenager that needs a kick in her ass more often than usual lately.
I got a tattoo.
I went on a drinking binge.
I had some "work" done.
I have 3 new boyfriends. Oh, and the usual husband.

Out of all the *possible* made up scenarios, that last one seems to be kicking my ass the most. ;0)

Seriously though here folks, I've been busy.
Who the eff cares doing what, let's just get down to the resume silliness shall we? Bring it baby!

The pile of absolute resume CRAP I've collected over those last 30 days is pretty much bathing in awesomesauce. 

Although I haven't had a spare moment to sit down and express my feelings in this particular venue as of late, the giggling fits at my desk have not ceased.

Lo and behold, people are Still. Stupid.

Oh boy oh boy oh BOY are they stupid.

I'll start with some simple ones, and work my way up the catastrophic ladder... baby steps as they say right?

From James- who listed all the hundreds of ways one can get a hold of him at the top of the resume, and right in the middle, smooshed in between 4 different phone numbers was this little diddy:
"(LEAVE MESSAGE WITH EMAIL ONLY)"

Really James? 
Fuck you.
I will not be contacting you at all. Asshat.

And then there was Michelle, who has a penchant for brackets and all things parentheses-related--- here's how her resume was laid out:

"Objective: [to obtain a career]
Summary of Qualifications: [March 2009-July 2009]
[Bank of America]
[Santa Clarita, CA]
[Responsible for collecting and counting money]"

And on and on it went, like this, down the ENTIRE PAGE. 
[Who does this??]
[Oh wait, probably somebody that's stupid enough to put that their Objective is to obtain a career. Silly me.]

Then there was Tim, sweet, sweet, ridiculous Tim.
Who applied to a SALES POSITION that specifically stated "road warrior" status in the job description (meaning, one has to not only have a car, but it will be overflowing with fast food wrappers, receipts, and daily trash because one will be spending a SHITLOAD of time in it).
Tim put THIS in his cover note to me:

"Thank you for perusing my resume. For your benefit, I'm not a sales person, I don't have any professional "level" type experience, and am currently without reliable transportation. Thank you again."

I'm sorry, wait, what? How exactly does this "benefit" me? 
And furthermore, why the fuck would I want to even FLIP TO THE NEXT PAGE to even GLANCE at his resume after he's made himself so unattractive as a candidate?
SHRED.


Next up is Patrick... who put this in his resume opening statement:

"I am currently enrolled at Ashford University, working to earn a degree in Early Childhood Development. I only want a job in this field so as to bring cohesiveness to my life."

Really Patrick? REALLY?
Why would you say this? 
Scratch that, why would you apply to MY posted position, IN THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY, and say this? I'm astounded at your level of foolishness.


Fresh off the IT Turnip Truck, we have Anthony... who sent me his IT resume and had the nerve to say THIS to me with it:

"Hi Stephanie. I would be interested in a different position if one comes up that would fit under IT, as my skills are more closely honed to this category. Please take the time to keep in touch and forward my resume to the head of IT.
Thank you."

Yeah, you're so right Anthony, I have NOTHING BETTER TO DO than your exact request. Thank you for fulfilling my life. I've waited so long for you to come along!

Then there was Gail, who applied for a telemarketer position here in our District Office in Southern California, who lives in OHIO and wanted me to relocate her to here, on our dime. For a $10 an hour, part-time TELEMARKETER position. 
Astounding.

Next up was Jon, who puts at the top of his resume that he's retired. 
But didn't mean to be. 
And then after all that, specifically said this:
"Still healthy, vibrant, active with no maladies.. would like to be back to active employ."


Adrian put his contact info at the top of his resume, and then this, and ONLY this:

"Job objective: CONSTRUCTION. No experience."

And that was it.
Einstein.

From Ken ... a personal note attached to his resume highlighting his very accomplished position as a "Cartoon Character":

"What are you going to pay me every day for this position? I have a couple of bills I pay but am barely able to afford to pay them as I'm grinding it out right now like something fierce."

Did Ken just say that to me? 
Where the fuck am I? 
In the Twilight Zone? 
Oh wait, I must be in Cartoon Land.

And then there's poor, POOR Tina, who graduated from FIDM, and is being aptly punished and having all her dreams of being a famous fashion designer DASHED every day of her life when she has to show up and... wait for it... "Scrub mannequin body parts".

Next up, one of my personal all time faves... Devin.
Oh boy, where do I begin with this one?
Devin is ... um ... special.
This is his entire resume:

"1.) I worked as a furniture manufacturer with this very special material I took the time to acquire from a beach in Ventura, called driftwood. After collecting this special material, me and the company owner Donnie would use tools to create rocking chairs. After months of doing such, we wanted to expand, so I would enter stores and badger them into letting us sell our chairs at their establishments. Donnie was my mother's boyfriend for 12 years, but nonetheless, he cannot be contacted, because he expired on September nineteenth two thousand and ten. "


And last but certainly not least... drum roll please...

Daniel.

There's SO many things to choose from on Daniel's resume.. Just. So. Many.

Under his Summary of Qualifications and Skills, he posted that he excels at "visionless typing"
WTF is that?

He also stated that he has "Fantabulous Managerial Skills".
FANTABULOUS??
Who says that on a resume???!?

And of course, Daniel was the type to include TONS of personal information, which is a major no-no. 

Under the "About Me" section (cuz you know, it's not just a resume submission, it's an opportunity to practice for your eHarmony profile):
"Strong Ethics/Very Creative/Love to Smile/Positive Character & Vibe/Ok with traveling to distant places"

and the best, absolute BEST part of Daniel's resume was this info under the "Personal Info" section:

"Favorite shows: Three's Company & Knight Rider 1980's" and "something interesting about me, I have a bird named Charlie that sleeps with me at night."

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Should I call him and ask him to bring the bird with him to his fake interview?




Until next time... peace out my peeps!

















5 comments:

  1. Thank goodness you came back!! I was resorting to reading cereal boxes and there was no one named Daniel who owns a bird. Just a Capt with a hippie crunchy fetish and a Tiger that needs a muzzle.

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  2. Figured you were busy, hoped you were coming back soon. I find it hard to demand that I get my "free entertainment" from people that have their own lives to take care of and wait patiently in the meantime.

    I'll be reading!

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  3. Applicants like these help explain why unemployment is still so high.

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  4. I'VE MISSED YOU!!

    And I wanna see the new tat. ;)

    Please please please please schedule that fake interview and demand he bring the bird. Also, make him quote, word for word, an entire episodes worth of his favorite 3s company show. For me?

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  5. Yes, could you forward my resume to Donald Trump in your down time? Thanks ever so much. You're a peach.

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