Tap tap tap! IS THIS THING ON??

Hi there!
I've been gone awhile.

Like 6-ish months, according to my elementary-school level counting skills.

Gone for good reason though, and without going into any gory details nobody deserves to be subjected to, I'll just say one word: DIVORCE.


For those of you that have been through the lovely fucking process of divorce, I'm betting you'd all agree with me that getting a divorce is like taking a gigantic crap- it's super painful and awful while it's happening but what a RELIEF when it's over. 
Am I right?

What's possibly scarier than that word, however, is the fact that I've moved twice since the divorce was decided. 
MOVED. 
TWICE. 

(How many of you just shuddered?)
(And furthermore, who the fuck puts a HAPPY FACE on a dude that's moving?!? The people who draw clip art for moving have CLEARLY never moved before...)

So needless to say, I've been dealing with some CRAP. Please forgive me for my absence though, and I truly appreciate those of you that have written me privately to see if I ran away to Sweden or somewhere fabulous. (Pfft. I wish.)

What matters now is that I'm back and have lots to share. 
The question is, where to start? 
How to get back up on the horse?

If you saw the pile of lame resumes spread out all over my bed just now and heard the conversation I had with my cat about how to make any sense out of them (yes, seriously, and shut up), it's a bit overwhelming. 

A few stellar examples that I've been truly looking forward to *showcasing* have been floating around in my head for months now and I'm even dreaming about them. I've had so many "brilliant" ideas about how to compose my postings in my sleep, I've actually trained myself to wake up in the middle of the night and write them down. 

But I just read over some of those notes and am having second thoughts.

Here's one I just found:

"All sub-par candidates will be placed in the crisper."

Because this makes sense at 3am.

I've wisely (ahem) tossed my ~middle of the night notes~ and decided instead I'll get back into the groove with 3 basic categories people screw up in the land of resumes.

They are:

1. Egos: Don't over-inflate yours, genius
2. Objectives: Nobody wants to hear it
3. Corresponding: Proofread that shit

(Disclaimer- those of you new here should go and read the "About Me" section where I talk about how I don't make this shit up. Because I don't.
Because I'm not that creative. 
(Crisper idea = evidence of this fact.)
These are real examples, WORD FOR WORD of resumes or emails attached to resumes that have been personally sent to moi.)

1. Egos- Don't over-inflate yours, genius

a. "I have all the qualifications you are looking for for this high ranking position. I'm sure you will be very pleased with what you see, just sure of it."

Don't ever say this, EVER. This particular candidate cleaned koi ponds for a living. And not that I have anything against koi pond cleaners in the world (as we need them!) but if I'm recruiting for INSURANCE POSITIONS, you're a fucking moron for saying this to me.

b. "My character has a passion to constantly desire additinoal tasks instilling senses of trust and reliance. My SUPERB communication skills have molded me into an amazing writer, speaker, and genuine person."

Superb typo skills and non-sensical, head-scratching bullshit = exactly what I'm looking for! Score!


c. "I am highly willed and able to juggle and coordinate, and line up and handle things to the finest degree."

Anyone else feel like they just entered a circus tent?

d. "Hello. I don't want the job you are advertising but I would entertain any of these instead:
Project Manager
Project Coordinator
Project Associate
Marketing Manager
Marketing Coordinator
Marketing Associate
Contracts Administrator
Contracts Manager
Senior Business Analyst
Senior Business Systems Analyst
Systems Analyst
Knowledge Management Manager/Director/Architect
Social Media Manager
Social Media Analyst
Social Media Coordinator
Technical Writer
Event Planner
If you have any of these above available positions specifically in the Los Angeles or Orange County areas, please forward me the job descriptions, then use my resume to apply to them. Thanks."

FUCK YOU.

e. (This email was directed at my boss but sent to me): "I can see by your last name that you are Armenian. That means you're a great person. I know a lot of Armenians. Take for example, my wife."

No words.

          2. Objectives: Nobody wants to hear it

a. "Objective: I am currently seeking a degree in Kinsiology but until that time, my objective is to earn money so I can get through school."

You better earn a LOT because I can tell it's going to take you awhile just to figure out how to spell your major.

b. "Objective: I want to work in a fun environment that enhances my life and promotes growth within me."

Ummm...

c. "Objective: To make good money and have a great career."

5 gold stars goes to this job seeker for honesty. 

d. "Objective: Too obtain a position with my physical and mental skills to work with the people of the public."

Yikes.

e. "Objective: Looking for a new adventure could be part time early mornings or evenings only!"

Seriously.

f. "Objective: I need a work for computer technician as I am replacing pc and laptop components"

So many different directions I could go on this one. 

g. "Objective: to eagerly submit my application for your open position."

Alrighty then. That was certainly worth the valuable space it took up on the resume. 

h. "Objective: The adequate answer to my placement objective will simply be to brighten my knowledge, and work-well."

I think I need to use the phrase "brighten my knowledge" more often. I've really been missing the boat on that opportunity. 

i. "Objective: To interact with and mold children to be productive citizens in society through probation."

Children have to be molded through probation? Did I miss something? Apparently I've been doing this parenting thing all wrong. My teenager will be thrilled to know there will be new procedures in the house.

j. "Objective: To obtain a position of an engineer-specialist in the field of engineering. And to realize and increase the experience."

Well obviously the problem here is clear- this one's an engineer. 

k. "Objective: to find the right job that fits me."

Amen brother!

l. "Objective: to apply the many skills I currently have. I also seek to acquire new ones."

You can dooooo eeeeetttt!!!

z. "Objective: to be stimulated."

 Well don't look at me! I'm not doing it!

3. Corresponding- Proofread that shit

a. "I am a 16-year old middle school teacher who is lookign for summer work. I am looking for as many hours as I can get over the suimmer."

Please tell me where you are working during the skool year so I can warn the other parents.


b. "I am interested to come in for an interview ass soon as possible."

Bahahahaha! Yes, I'm so immature, I still laugh at this one that happens at least once a week.


c. "I am most definitely interested in this position. Feel free to contact me any time. My phone number is 805-555-1234, feel free to leave messages."

How many will I have to leave? This sounds exhausting.


d. (This guy emailed me after I sent him directions):
"Greetings. I got the massage."

I then had to forward it to my boss because I thought it was so funny. 

Here's what he said:

"What you are you promising them now???" 

Until next time my little chickadees (which I promise will be sooner!), peace out!