Thursday, July 19, 2012

50 Shades of Job Seeker Stupidity (Minus the Porn)

So first off, let me give credit where credit is due... I got the title idea from one of the coolest bloggers ever, Jen at "Jen" e sais quoi, whose blog can be read with delight over here. She's seriously one of my new faves so when you have a moment, go over there and enjoy the heck out of yourself.

And now, without further ado, let's get on with it, shall we?

This is basically a list I've compiled for all y'all of my top 50 (that's right bitches, there are 50, FIFTY!) things that annoy the HELL out of me about job seekers today. So consider it a handy dandy cheat sheet of sorts if you will. And like I said, minus the porn. (I know some of you are SORELY disappointed there will be no porn here...)


(Sorry, the Pantone loving past-life-as-a-printer girl in me had to put that pic up...)

OH and I must start this off with this disclaimer: these are all true... unfortunately I've been the recipient of ALL of these egregious errors in judgement either on my computer screen, on paper, over the phone, or in person. Poor, poor me.

Ahem.

Here we go!

1. Tell us HR types in great detail about the asses you've wiped, the back fat you've burrowed under folds to scrub, and the poop you've cleaned off of toilets. Because we want to know. Every. Gory. Detail.

2. Disclose to us how you're a grown ass adult and yet you're still living on your mother's couch and she's as mad as a wet hen and about to kick your sorry ass out.

3. Never keep accurate dates for previous employment. Put things like "I think I worked there for 3-4 months" on your resume.

4. Always list your height, made up weight, religious beliefs, sex, and sexual preference somewhere in the documentation you send out.

5. Discuss how far you are and aren't willing to drive. At length.
While you're at it, go off about America's inept transportation system.

6. Mention how many children you have, how they're all starving and us hiring you is the only shot they have at eating tomorrow.

7. Send us death threats when we tell you we are interested in your resume.

8. Make sure to mention you got the award for "Best Dressed" in high school.
In 1976.

9. Point out how handicapped you are. Then yell at us and tell us we are being discriminatory when we say we'll do our best to place you, and actually mean it.

10. Ask about our tattoo and piercing policy.
Talk only about this.


11. Disclose that you're only really going to be working for a short time because you need to save money to go to massage school. You know, after we've adequately invested our time and oodles of money and resources into training you.

12. Mention your salary demands. Preferably directly ON your resume, but on your cover letter works just as well. Make sure to make the numbers SUPER OUTRAGEOUSLY HIGH and having no immediate correlation to your actual skill level.

13. Use the phrase "family crisis" frequently. Drama is very appealing to us.

14. Email us to point out that you haven't paid your phone bill so we have no way of speaking to us.

15. Ask us to forward your resume on to the "appropriate department". Because we have nothing better to do.

16. Be sure to list your social security number as the 2nd item on your resume.

17. Tell us how many tickets you have on your driving record. Better yet, tell us your license plate and drivers license number in your initial email to us.

18. Yell at other people while you're on the phone with us. Children hanging from chandeliers, out of control drivers that cut you off, your annoying spouse in the background, you know, whomever you feel like yelling at.

19. Write your resume like it's story time. And refer to yourself in the 3rd person. For example: "George likes his chicken spicy!"

20. Tell us your fiance was murdered the first 2 minutes into our first (and last) conversation on the phone together.

21. Don't use spell checker. Spell checkers are for WHIMPS WIMPS.

22. Make sure most of your resume is full of "fluff" and not actual work experience ... such as a list of references, which must always include your parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters.

23. Don't keep up to date with your dates on any of your documentation to us. Make sure you end every single job entry or educational experience with " - Present". That way we'll be UBER impressed with your time travel and/or parallel universe skills.

24. Put LOL on your resume. It's SOP now.

25. Get the name of our company wrong. Putting things like "I would love to work with State Farmers!" wins us over every time.

26. Give us incredibly hard schedules of interview availabilities right out of the gate. For example: "Currently, my schedule is only open Tuesday, Wednesday & Fridays all days except for 9-9:25am, 11:30-12:18 pm and 5:15-5:50 pm." We like a challenge.

27. Be sure to save your resume as an attachment with some ridiculous name. Don't stick with "JohnDoeWord1", instead, we prefer "This'llFoolEm" or "AdministrativeAss".

28. W Y  E  V  C  I  A  L
      R  O  S  E  A  K  G  C
      I  U  U  R  L  E  I  O
     T  R  M  T  -  A  C  D
     E  R  E  I  L  M  A  E

Be sure to submit your resume to us in code. We haven't seen Nicolas Cage's "Knowing" enough and don't quite have the 33=EE drilled into our skulls enough yet.

29. Tell us that you not only meet but EXCEED our job requirements. Then ask us what they are again?

30. Use lots of exclamation points to convey your level of excitability! We don't like to have anyone dull around the office!

31. Tell us that you pay attention to detail, then put that you've been working at your current position from 1889-Present.

32. Make a massive list of your Farmville Frustrations and have this be the bulk of your resume. For some of us HR types, it's our life's deepest desire to help you with you gift acceptance and fertilization issues. Also? We specifically look to hire people that only play on Facebook all day.

33. Call us drunk! Because really, we get bored sometimes.

34. Go overboard on the TMI. Like be sure to mention that you answered the phone stark naked and were about to get into the shower, or that you remember seeing my email I sent you while scrolling through your phone while taking a shit on the can.

35. Be sure to list all your hobbies, "accopishments" and interests. The boring-er, the better.
Yawn.

36. List an Objective. Because we care that you can lie and/or have the inability to adjust your objective to our particular job posting.

37. Make sure your resume has "Error! Reference source not found." reading across the top of it instead of your actual name. Like this:



No, after 17 tries I STILL can't get it to rotate left. Turn your head to the right for crying out loud. 

38. List that you work in "Costumer" Service. That's definitely a favorite of ours.

39. Be sure to include letters of recommendation that cite you doing nothing particularly spectacular, like changing a light bulb for example. 

40. Mention all of your credit problems right away. I don't care how you do it, but make sure we know IMMEDIATELY that you (or someone you hate) has seriously fucked up your credit. Then be sure to add that you are broke ass 'po and you don't have 2 nickels to rub together, let alone come up with enough gas money to get to an interview.

41. Send 17 pages of useless dribble, especially if you've been in the work force all of 3 years. Be sure to mention your GPA as well, especially if it was or is particularly low.

42. Always include a picture of yourself. Do NOT deny us the privilege of being overwhelmed with your hotness and incredibly sexy glamour shot you took back in 1983.

43. Tell us how incredibly stupid we are for contacting you regarding a position that completely mirrors your past experience.

44. Get religious on us. Tell us Jesus/Buddha/Muhammad love us. Don't forget the bouncing religious icon at the end of your email!

45. refuse to capitalize anything. speak in bingo and text lingo only. KTHNXBAI

46. Be completely clear with us about how you currently HATE your job and the Bosshole that signs your paychecks.

47. Leave your Facebook account wide open for the entire world to see. Be sure to have as many drunken orgy pictures as you can on there.

48. Have a completely inappropriate email address. "ilovepeewee69", "douglovestohump" or "mybigdoubledeez" are going to make us want to pick up the phone and have you come in for an interview, and like, stat.

49. Call us to bug us about openings.
Repeatedly. Especially after we've made it clear to you that we're doing everything in our power to help place you. If you keep calling us, it will definitely get you moved up to the top of the list.

And last but not least... 

50.  Be sure to submit your resume with a hair xeroxed or scanned onto it. We prefer the hair be dark and curly. Those are our faves.




8 comments:

  1. Ha! Somebody else emailed me this morning to tell me that EXACT ONE is their fave too! Great minds, eh?

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  2. #50? Um, ewwwwww!!

    I knew that title looked familiar. ;)

    I recognized a bunch of these from your previous posts. See? I HAVE been paying attention. :)

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  3. Good job Misty! 5 gold resume stars for you!

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  4. Number 50 scared me a little. Fax pubes? ((shudder)) Also loved the gangsta resume. He wants a sweet J-O-B, fo' schizzle, yo. Glorious.

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  5. @Jen- Yo, fo' schizzle is right! And yes, fax/copied pubes. It's happened 3 times total and every time, I literally have to push the paper off my desk and into the trash can with my pen. I can't touch them. Stupid, no? I mean logic would dictate: it's not ON the fucking piece of paper, just TOUCH IT you DORK! But alas, I cannot do it.
    Next time I will stop hyperventilating enough to snap a pic though. Pinky promise. Cuz that picture would be good blog shit right there.

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  6. 30. Use lots of exclamation points to convey your level of excitability! We don't like to have anyone dull around the office!


    hahahahaha

    That's not me. Nope.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dammit. I read this... & I'm like, "shit. I did that." :/ (#s 41 & 48 & a few honorable mentions... & currently analyzing the content of my FB page...). Suicide by resume. Thanks Steph. :)

    ReplyDelete