Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Yesterday was special

You read that right.
Yesterday was special.

How so you ask?
Well basically because it was a Monumental Monday.
As in, one of the Crappiest. Mondays. Ever.

After a grueling weekend of prepping concrete floors to be ready for hardwood flooring to go down and painting half the inside of our new house, I set myself up in my makeshift office/construction zone to hunker down and work on my recruiting tasks. I'm lucky enough now to get to work not only part time as a recruiter, but from home 3 out of the 5 days a week. So yeah, sometimes my hair is smooshed up into a messy pony tail and I just have my yoga pants and a t-shirt on, but so what, I still work my ass off, and get the job done.

Well, usually.

Yesterday I seemed to be thwarted by some kind of colossal internet, Mercury must be in retrograde, no communication-is-going-to-work-the-way-you-want-it-to malfunction. It was of epic proportions.
I'm talking EPIC people.

I regularly use that program gotomypc.com to tap into my computer at work that just sits there, all cute like, by itself in the dark, patiently waiting for me to hook up to it. I've been overall generally pleased with the program and yesterday seemed to be no different, except that once I'd logged in, it kept giving me an error that said "internet connection is intermittent at this computer" like every ten seconds. Literally. Every TEN FUCKING SECONDS.

So I'd try to open up an email and a resume somebody had sent me, and then I'd sit and wait.
And wait some more.
And then try to type an email to a job seeker like the fastest typing mo-fo you've ever seen... only to be disconnected again mid-sentence so that I could sit again... and wait.

I texted my fearless co-worker Tammy to help with computer trouble shooting junk. She helped me as much as she could given the fact that she actually has OTHER work to do besides rebooting my computer for me every 12 minutes.
So I schemed, I planned. I plotted.
I thought I finally knew what the problem was.
At the top of my list of things to do: drive directly to work with messy hair, yoga pants and all and just put my fist directly THROUGH my computer monitor at work. I was SURE it was because our internet was too slow at work as for years it's had a bad reputation for just that. It's clearly the easy victim to blame.

After seemingly no other alternative, I finally gave up. I decided to just decompress for a minute so I just sat there, thinking. "Well it's a fucking Monday for sure. Maybe the Zombie Apocalypse is actually about to occur.... wouldn't surprise me."

Then something suddenly dawned on me... HEY now. Maybe I'M the one creating the problem here. Maybe I shouldn't be running other stuff in the background on my laptop as it's getting bogged down. I'd always had our home computer on before AS WELL AS my laptop, but it wasn't today because of all the construction. It was tucked away nicely in the guest room, completely unplugged. Maybe I'd never had this problem before because I'd never tried to compete with gotomypc.com on my laptop. Huh. That's it! That's got to be it!

(Yes, this took me 3 hours to figure out. No, this isn't my proudest moment.)

Immediately I shut down everything and rebooted. Then proceeded to ONLY OPEN gotomypc.com and log on. Within seconds I was downloading resumes and whipping through emails like nobody's business. 


It was as if I got a glimpse of what those poor 1800's prairie bitches must have felt like after years of churning their own butter on the front porch in 100 degree heat and suddenly having someone hand them a chunk of butter, sans Olympic-proportionate workout involvement. In other words: LIBERATED.

You know she's totally saying: "I hate my life. Somebody fucking kill me NOW." 

Aaaaah. Sweet relief.

And then it dawned on me.
There's like a LOT of freaking emails in my inbox.
As a matter of fact, I'd say there's an ungodly amount of emails in my inbox. It's as if the entire world decided to apply to my positions over the weekend.

Well shit. That means now that I've lost all that time this morning waiting for my cloudy brain to open up and figure out why I couldn't get my computer to work, I have to make the time up cuz my boss is paying me for it.
Because I'm honest like that, dammit all to freakin' HELL.
Integrity bites sometimes, I'm tellin' ya.

So after some more grumbling and quiet cursing under my breath, I started clicking, clicking, clicking through the load.
Within minutes, it was clear to me that there was some kind of pattern forming, and I got giddy.
99% of them were idiots.
It's like the Universe was saying "It's okay, just hang in my friend, we're going to make the fact that you have integrity very worth your while. Keep clicking."

And clicking I did.
Between giggles.
And when I say giggles, I mean some serious giggles.

The cat woke up and looked at me from under my desk with that "Uh-oh, mom's lost it again" look.

I guess I got so loud that my daughter felt she better emerge from her purple-laden cocoon to check on me.

And when she did, I felt it only fair that I share with her, so that she not feel left out.

After I read some of them to her, she immediately said "You have to post this stuff. You're going to blog about all this right? Because seriously mom, if they can make a 14 year old say "What?!?" about a resume.. that's not good."

Amen little pumpkin, amen.

So without further ado- here's what was in my inbox yesterday:

"Objective: To obtain an entry-level position with a very competitive pay rate."
At least she was honest...

"I hope you feel this email well..."
There's so many directions I could go with this one...

"All of the same job descriptions listed previously goes here _____________________"
Could you get any lazier, dumb ass?

"I am interesting in learned more about da position."
You can just take your gangsta, bad grammar-i-tized self elsewhere, thank you.

"Objetive: All State Farmer Insurance Progressive work to be had"
Well that covers it.

"I removed sweet excess powder palettes."
Wait huh, wha? What does this even mean?

"i am very interested in learning about start farms aims."
Is he talking about starting another Farm Aid with Willie Nelson? Or State Farm's business goals? Neither of which I know anything about.

"Dear to whom corresponding:
am really thanksfull for the job offer. also in this replay to you is my resumen so that you can let me know when i have to go realize the starting job with you."
Dear to whom I am not going to be corresponding: A) I did not make you a job offer 
B) I don't think anyone could help you realize anything. Please give up now and crawl back into your hole.

"Best redards, RoSaNnA mOrAlEs"
This isn't an Ebay listing you twit. Oh sorry, and best redards to you too.

"Objective: I want to be stimulated."
Just fucking gross. Stop saying that.

To the lady that couldn't spell her own last name right: which is it bitch? Walford or Waflord?
Maybe it would help if you tattooed it to yourself, like this moron did:

"ERROR! Reference source not found" listed instead of a name. 
Here's a pic I took of it, it's like the 14th one I've seen in the past 2 weeks. Literally.

Hey ding dong! Here's a swell idea... how about reading your resume over AT LEAST ONE FUCKING TIME before you submit it to the world. Huh? 

"Thank you and gobbless"
Gobbless? As in God bless? Or are you big into gobbling like a turkey? 

"Objective: To obtain a Customer Service position with XYZ company"

Really? For reals you did this?

Those were all from ONE FREAKING DAY. 
This shit writes itself... I'm tellin' ya.

Now quick!

Mine's an "I Love You More" ceramic heart dish my daughter made me. 
What's yours?


  1. To my left is a rather large textbook about mental health and psychiatric nursing. Possibly incredibly appropriate?!?

  2. @Terry- for reals!
    @Anna- wow! I think you've been subconsciously preparing LOL You have a much better shot at surviving than I, with my pink ceramic heart dish o'love :)

  3. There's a whole lot of stuff on the coffee table next to me, but I'll go with the September issue of Vogue. It weighs like 48 pounds and I'm pretty sure could take out any number of zombies. :-)

  4. A glass of sweet tea o_0. At least I'll be hydrated... I loved " "Dear to whom corresponding: am really thanksfull for the job offer. also in this replay to you is my resumen so that you can let me know when i have to go realize the starting job with you."... I feel so incredibly intelligent at this moment. Just wow.