Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Has everyone lost their minds? Or is it just me?

First off, for those of you that followed my "trying desperately to win a contest" posting (which can be read here ) I'm so saddened to have to tell you that, sigh, I didn't win. Wah.

Thank you to those of you that made your genuine "I hope you win" comments and sent me private messages as well (I'm lookin' at you Crystal, plus Misty from http://mistyslaws.wordpress.com/ and all the others that didn't want to be publicly acknowledged for some reason--- what are you ashamed you know me? LOL)

Anyway, some lucky dude named Jon in Philly won and seeing as how he's currently unemployed and had a previous life selling insurance? That's about as good a reason as most to deserve a lunch with Stacey Ballis and Jen Lancaster. Here's a link to his blog so you can read about how he reinvents himself: Jon's blog

In other unrelated-to-resumes news... I've been busy over here in Stephanie-land. Aside from painting, trying to be a yard ninja (more on that later), still unpacking, working part time as a recruiter and running a resume business, I'm still a mom.

Somewhere in there.

I think I tried to prove this to myself and all of mankind by schlepping myself and the 14 year old 4 hours ONE WAY to a little town called Independence, CA to pick up my daughter's NV BFF, whom we'll just call Miss A. (We lived in Northern Nevada for 12 years... that's a previous life I don't necessarily like to revisit very often, but some good things came out of it, like my daughter's pal for life.)

On the oh-too-familiar trek we make a few times a year up the good ol' 395, we passed this Spongebob-esque house that some whackadoodle lives in:

I'm sorry, but if you're going to do it, DO IT RIGHT DUDE. You're missing the blue pipe sticking out the side and the whole pineapple skin feel, not to mention the green bushy top and the blue front door- all issues could be so EASILY remedied. It just needs to be FINISHED. Like this of course, for those of you that have been hiding under a Patrick sized rock and have no idea what the heck I'm talking about:

Sidebar: now that I spent the last 26 minutes surfing the world wide webz for Spongebob images, a) I would like those 26 minutes of my life back 

So long story longer, now Miss A is here visiting my munchkin for a good solid 10 day run and boy, are they happy! We tend to get all "touristy" when she's here and so far we've been to the beach a couple of times, she's been entertained by our new wonderful neighbors at a local swimming hole, been to the candy store twice and had endless nights of staying up too late talking about teenage magpie-type stuff. Tomorrow? Universal Studios. The rest of the week? More beach, more pool, facials, movies and book stores. (Seriously, I think I should get mother of the year award people. Just sayin'.)

But I digress... off the personal stuff and on with the Resume-Related show!

Today, I'm gonna talk about HOW TO HANDLE HR TYPES ON THE PHONE. 
Was that too shouty? Because I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO SHOUT. 

First- I've said it before and I'll say it YET AGAIN, if you are unprepared to answer the phone while job hunting, then DON'T ANSWER THE EFFING PHONE. Just let it go to voice mail.

Don't do yourself the utter and complete DISSERVICE of looking at your phone, thinking to yourself "Who the hell is THAT? I'm not in a position to answer the phone right now, so I really shouldn't pick it up but oh WHAT THE HELL. I'll pick it up anyway."

This really seems like a no-brainer to me but apparently? It's difficult for most people.

I had a spectacular round of idiocy this morning in particular that spawned the thought that I need to get back on the blog-writing-horse and share.

The first guy I called was an NFL sportscaster who wanted OUT. He went on and on about how awful his job is, how it's seasonal from August to January and how he CANNOT TAKE IT ANY LONGER. Okay. I get that. I managed to try and calm him down but judging from the background noise (I think he was in a parking garage?) he was becoming more and more agitated at his surroundings. Like I'm talking cussing under his breath at people and things and I don't know whatever else as it was hard to make out his tourettes-like whispers. That is until he decided to yell into the phone "HEY FUCK YOU! MOTHER FUCKER! COME BACK HERE YOU ASSHOLE!"
At which point? I decided to holler back "EXCUSE ME?!?" (Knowing full well he wasn't talking to me, just trying to make a point that DUDE. YOU'RE ON THE PHONE WITH A POTENTIAL EMPLOYER. HELLO MCFLY?)

Fucking moron.
He apologized. Said some guy came around the corner fast and almost took him out. (I think he was standing outside his car? I dunno. Or care.)
I excused myself, said my other line was ringing and that I had to go answer it. I lied (of course) and I should have totally said "OBVIOUSLY you have some anger issues. The last thing we need is someone that's going to lash out at our clients, so good luck to you, ASSHAT."

Ahh to be just as bold as them to their faces. (Ears?)

Shortly after that, I got a mother yelling at her kids to settle the hell down already! (Which truthfully made me giggle, but again- SO not appropriate if you're going to be job hunting. Just don't pick up the phone if they're hopped up on Fruit Loops and swinging from the chandelier.)

But the piece de resistance was little miss "Cindy".

Keep in mind- it's close to 11:00 in the morning.
Here's how our conversation went:

Cindy: "Hullo?"
Me: "Hi is this Cindy?"
Cindy: "Uh yeah, who's calling?"

I explain who I am, why I'm calling, etc etc.
Then I ask what I ALWAYS ask because people are dumb, and I don't trust their judgement (as I shouldn't and is about to be proven for the umpteenth time today...): "Is this a good time for you?"

Cindy: "Well, uh, not really. I'm standing here stark naked, I was just about to get in the shower."
Me: Silence
Cindy: "Hello?"
Me: Wanting to poke my eyes out with my favorite pen: "Yeah, I'm here. I guess I should probably call you back then huh?" Can't. Believe. She. Said. THAT.
Cindy: "Yeah, I should be done in about 30 minutes. You can call me back then."
Me: "Okay." Click.

Me for reals: OH HELL NO. I can't call you back. Sorry, no can do.

Yes, I know I'm acting like a 4 year old but for the 30 minute period after that, while I was wading through more Resumes A La DumbShits... all I could do was think "Well, Cindy's still showering..."
Does that make me some kind of perv?
No, it doesn't.
Because somebody can't tell you that they're standing there naked about to get in the shower and then you not have that in the back of your mind. It's just not possible. Just like somebody saying to you "Don't envision an elephant" BAM! Now all you can think about is elephants.

So Cindy? You twit... I won't call you, I can't call you. I JUST SIMPLY CAN'T. Because aside from the part where you made me wanna blush at my desk, the overall concept is this: I CAN'T TRUST YOU. I can't trust what will come flying out of your mouth to a client. You obviously had bad judgement to begin with by picking up the phone when an unrecognized number was ringing through in the first place, but then to say you are "stark naked"? Obviously you're stark raving mad.

Peace out my peeps.


  1. So, I received an unsolicited email resume and cover letter today that contained a sentence I just HAD to share with you...

    "...operating systems in which I am very affluent are..."


  2. Why. Why did I find you today?!? Well, I did need a laugh, so that's been nice. But I don't have time to READ THESE! And they all look so funny!!! Stark Naked CINDY! LOL!

    Plus the Captcha takes me 5 minutes to do every time, so....

  3. I'm trying sssssssoooooo hard to employ this tidbit. I am spastic about answering calls & messages despite working in a loud plant with limited signal because of my children (& my OCD ass hates icons for unchecked messages), but I am slowly convincing myself that if it's life or death, someone will leave a voicemail, and if not, I can just call the number back in a few minutes, cuz I'm scared I'm gunna regret it one day!!!! But, "a GOOD time,x um, like, bed time is 8:30 p.m.!!!!????..... RiNgInG PhOnE. VoIcEmAiL. tExT mEsSaGe..... MuSt aNsWeR.....