Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Objectives: How They'll Kill Your Chances in 2.5 Seconds Flat

I know, I know. 
I've talked about Objectives before. Like here as just one example, just in case you missed out.

Apparently it bears repeating as I can't seem to shake Bad Objectives. They're like a bad camel toe on a tacky redneck ho at the local watering hole. They're freaking EVERYWHERE. Probably on 90% of the resumes I view on a daily basis. And it's a shame, it's a crying shame. 

So here's this week's compilation so far. 
(And it's only FREAKING Wednesday.)

Keep in mind that I recruit for an INSURANCE COMPANY. For INSURANCE RELATED POSITIONS.

Objective: 
"To secure a property management position..."
(And I can help you with that exactly how?)

"To land a position as an Enrollment Counselor with the University Support Services"
(Ummm sorry, can't help you.)

"To work on an oil rig"
(Now you, I can totally hook you right up with that. I'll just take you out on my sailboat and throw your stupid ass overboard as we round the platform.)

"To be a dental assitant" 
(You should probably learn to spell it first.)

"My objective is to be a teacher" 
(This one was followed by a "When should I come in?" Ummm how about NEVER bitch.)

"I want to be a Java Developer person"
(How nice for you.)

"To employ my knwoledge and experience with the intention of securing a job with the LAPD"
(Well of course, this makes perfect sense. Oh and don't worry about spelling, just wield your gun in a controlling and scary manner. That'll handle any questions regarding your IQ.)

"To obtain a challenging position in the diverse area of land organics"
(WTF is that?)

"To be a secret agant" 
(There's so many different directions I could go with this one...)

"To be the best scareactor I can be"
(Head down to the 170, exit at Cahuenga Blvd, and head up to Universal Studios Drive. Moron.)

"To use my affable personality to win over my soon to be employer at Walmart"
(Affable? OOOO big word! You deserve better than Walmart... seriously you jovial and gregarious SOB.)

"To apply my Mangement Science degree to where I lice in Ventura county" (Where you LICE? BAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, and nice to see you managed to get a degree and you can't even SPELL IT RIGHT.)

"To acquire new skills in helping others with their academic career." 
(? I don't even know what to say to this...)

And the winner of the last 3 days goes to:
"Objective: When i was three years old thats when my life changed. it was the very first time I played a video game. i immeditly became fascinated with japanese animation i want to own an animation company shortly to relive my childhood. Also, i like people. people that play video games"
(I have no words. Total loss for words.)



Oh wait, I'm suddenly full of words again:

Umm HELLO MCFLY?? How fucking stupid can you be? 


I mean SERIOUSLY people. This is the easiest thing to fix on your resume, just TAKE IT OFF.
(And I don't mean your clothes, cuz yeah, I've gotten photos of people that appear to be missing their clothes sitting at the top of their resumes. THAT is NOT going to win you any brownie points either, just for the record... the only thing that will do is engage my gag reflex.)

So you know what I did with all of those resumes? 
Chucked them. 
Why? 
Because I (read: us recruiters, HR people and hiring managers) have NO patience for this crap. If you can't take the time to adjust your resume to MY particular job posting? I won't take the time to read the rest of your damn resume. 
It's give and take here people. 
Simple as that.

It takes me all of 2.5 seconds (if that) to get that far down on the page and then you're outta-here's-ville. 

So a nice high five goes out to all the freaking douchecanoes and asshats that submitted their resumes to me in the last 3 days with Objectives. Good job! 



OOO wait! I have a better one!


Now if you'll excuse me, I have some vodka that needs drinking as it will help me forget about your silly Objective ways. 


Peace out my peeps.

7 comments:

  1. @Ruby Claire- that site you posted is fine if you're a teacher applying for a teacher's job. Most people don't take the time to stick with just applying to jobs that are in their actual "field" nowadays.

    Even so, a teacher would do themselves a service by not putting an objective at all. I mean seriously, if you really look at the website and the choices, some of those are really hoaky.

    Let's take the first one listed for example: "Aspire to use my ability to interact with children..." well no duh. NO DUH. We know what you want to do if you're trying to become a teacher. Tell us YOUR SKILLS. Tell us your core competencies and areas of expertise. Tell us what you've done.
    Don't give us fluff.
    Anybody can make up fluff, or pull it off the internet where it's already been pre-written for you.

    That's just my .02 (and also the majority of the opinion of people in my field as well nowadays.) The internet sites need to catch up because they're getting you all in hot water.

    Thanks for commenting though, truly, I appreciate my readers!

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  2. Every single one of these made me laugh. OMG, thank you so much.

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    1. And BTW, the Captcha that I had to do, up there, when I posted, was the hardest part of my day. WTF was that?? 6 smashed together letters and a picture? A robot couldn't read that, b/c a HUMAN can't read it! Don't get me started on the Captcha.

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  3. Hi AC! Thanks for reading my nonsense! And I'm sorry about the Captcha... it's totally a blogspot thing, I have no control (unfortunately), cuz yeah, I agree that picture crap is beyond ridiculous.
    Keep scrolling through all my archives when you have a chance and welcome to the party ;0)

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  4. Oh god. "Scareactor?" Is that like the guys who jump out at you in the haunted houses? WTF?

    These are fab. Good thing I don't put Objectives on my resumes. Phew!

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