Friday, June 8, 2012

An oldie but goodie...


Hello!
Thanks for stopping by.



My ass is up to alligators right now... what with the working full time, recruiting for my afternoon replacement person, moving and painting at night, the kid having walking pneumonia and graduating next week, the helping people with their resumes stuff ... I'm truthfully doing my best not to hyperventilate. 
Or pass out.


Quite frankly I am just happy I get out of the house with clean clothes on every morning. THAT should tell you how well I'm functioning right now.


So seeing as how I don't have any time as of recent days to put together a new blog posting and no one wants to hear me wax eloquent about my new found love of Valspar's "Stormy Weather" shade of paint... I thought I would just re-post one of my oldies but goodies!


Sit back, relax and enjoy!
(And my apologies to my long time followers who've already read this. More funny next week!)


Okay, here we go...




Times are tough right now, aren't they? I know I bitch about being on the raw end of the Resume Reading Stick but I get it, I know people are going through some serious shit right now, being unemployed and all. Despite the specific slant on my blog, I am tapped into this and do feel for people. A good percentage of the job seekers I do speak with get my sympathy vote, but certainly not all.

Yesterday afternoon I got a surprise of all surprises though- a female job candidate called me and sheeee waaaasssss a little l-ooooo-ppeeeeeee.

Okay, she was drunk.

Or hopped up on pills.

I'm not quite sure which.

But seeing as how my fearless co-worker Tammy (who I mentioned before stays calm 99% of the time) answered the phone first and then put "Janice" on hold- she had a chance to warn me. And if Tammy's actually taking the time to warn me? Somethin's freakin' UP Chuck. 


I think Tammy said something like "This lady sounds a little weird. Like she was surprised she got (insert our company name here)_____________ Insurance and was shocked as all heck that you were even here, even though she called asking for you by name. Her name is "Janice" _____, does that sound familiar?"

Yes, why yes indeed it does.

"Shit." I replied back to Tammy. "Yes, I know exactly who it is."

Usually I have to keep the person calling in on hold for a little bit so I can dive through my folders (appropriately categorized according to my last interaction with them in my different color coded system as I'm totally anal like that) and pull out their resume so I can have it for reference. In this case there was no need for that, only for me to brace myself and take a deep breath.

Back story time my chickadees!

For the last 3 damn days I have been in a massive email entanglement with Janice and this guy named "George". Without boring you with all the incredibly complicated employer snapshot of a candidate's resume details on CareerBuilder discussion (that was a mouthful), I'll try to explain it rather simply this way:

Janice was emailing me her resume, telling me she wanted to be considered for a new career. (She is currently a nurse.) This is fine, except Janice emailed me some dude's resume copy instead of hers. I'll just call the other dude whose resume I was suddenly viewing "George". George is apparently a private investigator (and yeah, I'm sure he's reading this right now considering the entanglement we've all had as of late, what with him being a P.I. and all...so HI GEORGE!!)



Anyhoo- it went down like this:
Janice emails me with a reasonable cover note about herself and her new found desire to ditch the nursing scene, attaching George the P.I.'s resume.

I scratch my head, search through my different job board data bases I have access to and discover that the problem ALSO exists on CareerBuilder. Huh. Her info is listed as the contact and person searching for a job, but George's resume is the one uploaded as if it's her.

This was confusing to me.
So I politely emailed them (her?) and said this:

"Hi Janice,
I received your interest email and there is some confusion on our part... when we pull you up on CareerBuilder.com, your resume comes up as George __________? I've attached our employer view below so that you can see how we see it. Thought maybe you could address this issue...do you know George? I don't know why the two of you would be entangled in such a fashion, haven't seen this happen in all the years I've been doing this.
Best regards,
Stephanie __________
Recruiting Director
for ____________ etc"

The following day, this email showed up in my inbox:

"Hi, this is George __________, Janice __________'s husband. How my resume got mixed with Janices is beyond me. this was definitely an error on CareerBuilder's part. I don't know how to fix this. In the MEANTIME, I'm attaching her resume for your consideration she is a registered nurse, looking to start a new  career. Sorry for the mix up, but just to make it clear again, THIS IS NOT OUR FAULT.
Respectfully,
George ____ , PI"

Ummm, okay.
They are married. They have 2 different last names. This isn't that unusual...but the way he was EMPHASIZING certain words and INSISTING it wasn't their fault?? Umm, a little off, no?

I open up Janice's resume--- she's an RN that works in a bungalow with psychotic patients who were "more stabilized on their meds" (her words). Uh, yeah, you don't say? Psychotic patients do better on their meds? Huh.
That's news to me.

I read through all SEVEN pages of random mentions of incidents with patients (totally none of my business and major HIPAA violations to boot) but certain things caught my eye. When a Resume Submitter STARTS USING THE CAPS LOCK FOR SEVERAL SENTENCES and then abruptly stops mid-sentence for no apparent reason... it gets my attention. This went on like waves crashing on the beach, then retreating, then crashing back. It was - eery.

Then I read about the hostage negotiation team she was on and other pertinent information on convicted psychotic arsonists and the "hodge podge of alcoholics" (her words I swear) she took care of.

This is down right freaky.

And just for the record, my last job before I became a recruiter was in a mental health outpatient facility in downtown, drug infested Reno, NV. So if you're scaring me on paper? There ain't no WAY I'm gonna deal with you in person. (Even though I'm trained to do so doesn't mean I'm going to volunteer for it.)


About ready to shred it and just completely ignore and DRE code her (which in my land stands for "It was heinous and necessary to shred as quickly as possible) I catch the address. She's 2 hours away from us.
She's also 2 hours away from her husband.

This is my out.

I'm feeling kind... (that'll come back to bite me in the ass for sure)...I email her and her husband TOGETHER and say that I noticed she's in __________ city, that's too far a commute, so she can contact this office closer to her instead, giving them the info of some poor unfortunate dude whose office workers were going to be hating me within 18 hours. I also made a friendly recruiter suggestion that they completely delete the CareerBuilder.com account and start over from scratch, since they indicated they didn't know how to fix it and that (of course) it WASN'T THEIR FAULT.

I went home, tried to forget about it.

The following morning I get yet ANOTHER email in my inbox from her husband. "No, you don't understand, she lives here in Sherman Oaks with ME. I don't know why you thought she was in ___________. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?"
and that was all he wrote.

Really?
You don't FREAKING KNOW why I thought she lived in another city?
PERHAPS BECAUSE SHE'S LISTED THE DAMN CITY ON HER RESUME YOU FREAKING MORON. HOW ABOUT YOU TELL YOUR WIFE TO FIX HER RESUME SO THAT THE ACCURATE CITY IS LISTED??? DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?!??


Okay, sorry, calming down now.
Ahem.

I ignored. 
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
"These people are whacked," I told myself.
"I shouldn't have to deal with them. I was just trying to be nice. This is what I get for being nice. I'm so gullible. I need to not do anything further with them so I don't go postal on them."
(Yes, this is my glorious self-talk, now you've been clued in as to what goes on in my head...)

And then the phone call from Janice came in.

They let it rest for a good 6 hours between contact times... however perhaps "rest" isn't the best word here- "fester" seems more appropriate.

I already told you how the call came in to Tammy- so let's take it from where I take a deep breath and pick up the phone, shall we?

Me: "Hi Janice, this is Stephanie. How can I help you?"
Janice: "Oh hi. You're there." 
Silence.
Very long silence.
Me: "Yes, I'm here. I'm assuming this is Janice _____ who I've been emailing back and forth with?"
Silence.
Janice: "WOULD YOU SHUSH THE FUCK UP!! I'M TRYING TO CALL THESH PEOPLES YOU MADE ME CALL DAMMIT! GODDAMN YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID. NOW BE QUIET!"
Me: Gulp.
Me in my head: I think (?) she was yelling at George...I don't think she's yelling at me, but I'm not quite sure.
And who says "Shush" the fuck up?
I've never heard that in all my life. "Shut" the fuck up, yes. But not "shush". This is new.
Me still in my head: I think this will be blog material.

Me actually speaking now: "Uh, how can I help you Janice?"
Janice: "Well, I'm a liddel comfused...I see your job desscripson as being a unit nurse, I don't want to be a unit nurse."
Me in my head: Oh dear. She really is wasted. How am I going to get her off the phone?
Me outloud: "You don't want to be a unit nurse? Well what did you want?" (May as well get some mileage out of this...)
Janice: "Uhhhhh. Well. You KNOW, I don't want to be a damn unit nurse. I've had enough of that for a lifetime."
Silence again.
Me: "Well I'm not sure you're calling the right place. This is ___________ Insurance. I don't have a need for unit nurses."
Janice: "Well I TOLD YOU, I DON'T WANT TO BE A DAMN UNIT NURSE!"

Insert loud crash in the background in Janice's home/hovel/vat of vodka she's swimming in...

Me- knowing I need to calm her down: "Okay Janice, well if I remember correctly from your email, you were looking for a new career correct? Because my company doesn't have anything to do with nursing, we help people get licensed with the State of California Department of Insurance and train them to become insurance agents or employees under existing insurance agents. Does that sound like something you are looking for?"
Silence.
Janice: "Uh-huh."
Silence again.
Me in my brain: I'm just gonna wait here and see what she says. I'm not gonna say anything.
More yelling commences, this time it sounds like George, whose also possibly been swimming in the vat of vodka with her. "Where'd you put the remote?? Whys you gotta be hidin' the GODDAMNED REMOTE FROM ME ALL THE TIME. I SWEAR WOMAN..."
Janice: "OH SHUSH THE FUCK UP! I'M TRYIN TO TALKS TO THIS LADY! DON'T BE INTERRUPTING ME ABOUT THE REMOTE AGAIN! YOU'RE ALWAYS STALKING ABOUT THE REMOTE!"
Me: "Janice?" (trying to get her attention focused back on our lame attempt at a career counseling conversation...) "Janice, are you there?"
Janice: "Yes! I'm here. He'z alwayz askin' me about the remote. So I don't want to be a unit nurse."
Me: "Yes, I understand that. I don't have any unit nurse positions."
Janice: "Good, then what do you have available? I need to interview. I've got 25? No, 30? Years essperience and I need a job. So I can get OUTTA THIS HOUSE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT REMOTES ANYMORE."
Me in my head: "I should really milk this conversation for some more blog material but I've actually got real work to do..."
Me outloud: "Janice, I think that we probably aren't a good fit for you and you should continue your job search elsewhere."
Janice: Silence. 
More silence.
Janice: "Ellswhere?" (totally confused by the word)
Me: "Yes, best of luck to you with your job search."
Janice: "Uh-huh."

And then I hung up on her. 
Even though she was still talking. 
To me or to George or to herself...I'm not sure and, quite frankly, don't care.

As soon as I slam the phone down I immediately start yelling back at Tammy "OH MY GAWD SHE WAS DRUNK! SHE WAS TOTALLY DRUNK!" and the giggling and conversation recounting commences.


How stupid people search for jobs.

Now just for added humor sake, I'm linking up a very funny YouTube video that's one in a series called "My Drunk Kitchen". 

I'd totally take a phone call from this girl anytime. (And possibly want to be her new best friend.)

Now THIS is the way to be drunk in the afternoon. (Safely at home, not calling potential employers, doing something useful with yourself like hysterical cooking demonstrations...)

2 comments:

  1. I think it really is a testament to your character that you have avoided becoming either a convicted psychotic arsonist and or a hodge podge alcoholic. I'm impressed, no lie.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sharon a24hrmom ClarkJune 14, 2012 at 6:28 AM

    Bbbbwwwwaaaahhhahahahaha @ "Even though I'm trained to do so doesn't mean I'm going to volunteer for it."

    ReplyDelete