Wednesday, June 27, 2012

This Just In: Recruiting Insanity At An All Time High

Yes, it's sad but true... that title you just read? Totally accurate.

I'm getting to the point where I'm not sure if it's the desperateness of the recent grads being pressured by their parents to get the fuck out of the house, or the insanity of parents suddenly stuck at home with their cooped up children because it's summer time, but somethin's in the air lately, yo.

I've been sort of MIA for a few weeks now- sorry sorry- busy trying to get settled in a new house that had to be virtually gutted to be inhabitable. So ripping things out, trying to install new, and basically Shifting Shit around is what I've been up to. (Shit Shifter Extraordinaire- that's me!)

I actually have a great guest room I'd invite you all to visit, it's where you can go to be horrified and scared straight into being a Buddhist monk and give up material possessions for all of eternity. I call it the "Room of Doom" and it's piled high with crap people have either "bestowed" upon us out of the kindness of their hearts, or I've stupidly purchased in a previous tchotchke frenzy. 
So. Over. Stuff. 
No more freakin' STUFF. 
(And yes, sweet husband of mine, I'm onto you trying to get me liquored up every night and encouraging me to put yet even MORE stuff in the "give away" pile. Don't think for one cotton pickin' minute I haven't figured that out... )

Anyhoo- I haven't stopped recruiting the entire time I've been up to my neck in blue painter's tape, ratty extension cords and a sea of boxes... I've been hoarding my bad resumes like a squirrel hopped up on some kind of acorn crack. 

So here's the latest laundry list of incomprehensible resume dribble that's floating around out there in job seeker land- you ready? Okay, seat belts on?
Here we go!

"My customer service skills are above and beyond. Period. I have no qualms with telling someone what they may not want to hear."

~Yeah, I'm totally hiring you. So you can make people CRY on a daily basis. Bitch.

"I'm submitting my resume for the Java Developer position that's not in your office, but I want you to pass it on to the appropriate people in HR anyway."

~Fuck you. Oh, and... no.

"I retired in January 2010. Hopefully you'll still want me."

~Why? Why would you lead with this?

"I'm a Wetlands Mapping Assistant. But seriously, I've got to get out of the swamp."

~Ahahahaha! I like your style. But seriously, I have nothing here for you to map.

"i am a teachers assistant. i taught k-5 developed lesson plans long term art and administured state testing"

~Oh dear Lord, those kids are SCREWED! And 15 years from now, I'm gonna be gettin' their resumes. So thanks a LOT!!!

"Profile: When I was three years old, that's when my life changed. It was the very first time I have ever played a video game. Ever since then I have been hooked by the interaction of video games."

~Seriously? Let me talk to your parents, like pronto. They deserve to be bitch slapped through the phone because you're SO in trouble for the rest of your life. You better hope and pray you get a job playing video games because really, that's probably all you can do now. Congrats. 

"Objective: To secure a full time or part time position in developing new skills to gain a better understanding of how to help others with their life processes and selecting and acquiring new skills that will gain the betterment of mankind."

~WTF? Whatchoo talkin' bout Willis?

"I worked at a yogurt place. My only job responsibilities were offering advice to each guest."

~Really? You mean like what flavor combinations are best? Or how you shouldn't wear that skirt with those shoes? 

"My desired salary is simple really. I would like $34,000-$500,000."

~Well why stop at $500,000? Obviously, we're dreamin' here since you're no where NEAR the $34,000 mark judging by your intelligence level, why not shoot for $1.5 million? OOOO or even better, $2.3 billion?!? Don't stop dreamin' baby!

"I already find a jobs."

~Whew. Dodged that bullet.

"I lice in Ventura County area pelease contact me thank you."

~Ewww. I'm not contacting you. I don't want you anywhere near our office.

"Things I have learned from working here were that customers need a lot of patients to deal with. I have an intended major at a local college in managmint science."

~God bless the teachers that are going to have to straighten this mess of a person out.

"I am a diligent and affable graduate."

~Ooo affable! Thatz one of those fancy big words. I'm not sure we can handle your type around these here parts.

"No thanks Steph. Even though my resume has sales all over it, the last thing I sold was cars and at least I had something interesting to sell then."

~Tooshay! Insurance is rather, um, *yawn*, boring. 

"I worked at Universal Studios. I was a Scareactor. I was paid to scare the bejesus out of people"

~Love this.

"I'm looking for an opporutnty to demonstriate my math skills."

~Well thank goodness you're not looking to demonstrate your English skills, that would be suicide!

"Objective: Insurance agant. Skills: Learn fast and fast pasted."

~Ahahahahahahaha!! I'm totally calling you. Not.

"I contribute drinks to patrons ensuring satisfaction for the drinking folk."

~Well that's an interesting way to say YOU'RE A FREAKING BARTENDER.

"If you wish to contact me, please do so with the contact information provided."

~As opposed to?

"Objective: to employ my knowledge and experience with the intention of securing a professional career with opportunity for challenges and career advancement, gaining knowledge of new skills and expertise, developing and expanding existing customer sales and or brand/product evolution effectively, using my expertise in human relations to improve customer satisfaction as well as utilizing my strong organizational skills while..."

~Huh, what? Were you saying something there? I totally fell asleep. Zzzzzzzz.

"Dear to whom it may concern: I recieve yoru meail and it was well read."

~Well yours, my dear, was not.

"I worked at this company in Guatemala from 1996 but don't remember the exact dates but was worked there for about 5-6 months."

~Really? REALLY?

And that's it for now folks. I could go on... my stack is SUPER DUPER TALL of resumes just waiting to jump on this screen, but you'll just have to wait for more Resume Mayhem. 

*This Resume Mayhem message brought to you by Allstate. A company I do not work for ;0)


  1. experience tchotchke purchasing frenzies. Why I know this, I have no idea.

  2. Thank you OtherLisa- duly noted. What's funny is, I had this massive fight with spell checker vs. google online dictionaries vs. my own brain and no one was winning, except the stupid voice inside my head that said "even though you know that's right, put up the one they might be able to pronounce..." stupid voice inside my head.
    Happy for the assistance!

  3. "My customer service skills are above and beyond. Period. I have no qualms with telling someone what they may not want to hear."

    Are you sure you saw this on a resume and not in an e-mail from me?