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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Alright.


I've seen some stupid stuff regarding school information listed on a resume, but yesterday afternoon's resume from "Kevin" is up there as scariest.


This was it:

"High school:  garaduated with a dipoloma"

Oh, and lest I not leave out the phrase listed after that....

"Lenguaje: enlish, spanish  ."



"Let's call him!"


Said no one, ever.


Perhaps he should go apply at Dairy Queen






Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Purple People Eaters

Did you ever want to see what an exterminator's resume looks like?


Yeah, neither did I, but I got one baby, so we're ALL gonna get to experience this ridiculousness, TOGETHER.


This is an exact, word for word, representation of "Pat's" resume, sent to me last Friday.
I'm using the name Pat because the name was one of those "could go either direction" kinda names. 
And I use the phrase "word for word" loosely as the spelling is so atrocious, these don't really count for words in my brain. 
(Perhaps Pat's been sniffing too many chemicals? I dunno...)

So keeping in mind again, this could be a boy exterminator 










Or a girl exterminator  











"Expirenced exterminator/tech.

proven customer  service skills .
excellent a time management of my route.
expirenceed in ants.roaches , bees,my specialty is rats.and lately spiders  , Im the go to on spider and rats  .
I am not afraid of dogs or uncomfortable going into backyards that are unfimilar.
I  ve been exterminating for over 15 years, I  ve done extensive termite work as well as pest control.Im always ready to help my co workers and love my customers.I have many awards from past employment to back this up.I am looking for a long term place to advance stability.I have my applicators license and I did have my branch 2,however I accidntly let expire,although my appictors current."

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen!
A lovely exterminator that's not afraid of dogs, bugs, rats, or wandering into your "unfimilar" backyard... but seems to have a great aversion to the almighty apostrophe!


Poor Mr. Apostrophe... just sitting there all useless-like, waiting to be used....


And while I have NO clue what this person expects me to do with them regarding my company, I will share this diddy that all us older people have already heard, but the younger readers here may not have. (And seeing as how I'm here to edu-ma-kate people on some level, I felt it my duty to place that link in this post.)

Did you know that the bug in that song isn't purple himself, but he eats purple people?



Neither did I. All these years I had it wrong. 
I guess I just edu-ma-kated myself.
Ha!


  

Monday, February 27, 2012

It's Meanie Monday Baby!

Ah the Meanies.

I struggle with these posts - I don't exactly know why except that if I wanted to get all psychological on my own self, I figure it's probably because they are traumatic enough when I receive the offending message in the first place, so to have to stare at it and analyze it again to write a blog posting makes me...uncomfortable. And mad. 


And pretty much want to skip over the topic entirely, but I think it's important for the world to know just how vicious people can be to HR and Recruiter types, just so you all give us just a smidge of sympathy. 
(Is it working? Do you feel even *slightly* sorry for me yet??)



Okay, the sad kitty picture made me feel slightly better for some odd reason...except now I feel I must go hug a cat. 

Anyhoo-as I sifted through my pile of Meanie Monday choices, I came up with one that was short and sweet. 

So here he is, and I'm going to use part of his real name because I feel like it...an email to me from Tobias.
Same deal, I contacted him because he used to do insurance- found him on a major job board etc... here's his email back to me, a nice and simple email from an asshole:

"I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GOT MY EMAIL ADDRESS. BUT LOOSE IT AND DON'T CONTACT ME EVERY AGAIN. OR ELSE."


Alright TOBIAS... you jackass.

First of all, I OBVIOUSLY got your info off of A JOB BOARD you posted your damn resume on. 
Second, you want me to "loose" your email address and don't "every" contact you again?
I totally want to get all grammatical on his ass but I'm afraid he might retaliate with an assault rifle.
Oh, and "OR ELSE" WHAT?? Hmmmm??
(Again, possible assault rifle usage fear comes into play here...)

So instead, I will stare at your address, try not to notice that it's on my way home and use every ounce of self-control not to go to the drug store ON my way home to get some cotton balls. 
Because




Friday, February 24, 2012

Yo yo yo!

Happy Friday!
Let's just jump right in... I got this STUPID ASS email from this PUNK KID who thought if he'd write (and I use that word loosely) and send me these 4 sentences, I'd JUMP at the chance to call him.

His name is Shane.
I'm using his real name this time because...well you'll see why in a minute.

This is his email to me:

"Hi Stepanie
I write a email from u regards a job with ____________ " (my company name went there...)
"how does the pay work ur company
please advised"

Oh man, I couldn't pick up the phone fast enough to call this qualified job seeker.

NOT.

And just when I thought he couldn't get any dumber... I caught Shane's email address.

It started with:

djslimshaney



Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
Please stand up?
Please stand up?


Or rather, I'm with Christina Aguilera on this one, will the real Slim Shady and Slim Shaney please shut the fuck up?

Don't know about the spat years ago between Christina and Eminem? You probably don't need to, but it's Friday, so what the hell, what's another one minute and 55 seconds of your life wasted? Listen to this to hear Christina's version... which I believe was written by Weird Al, who just basically rocks on a whole different level. I'm sure DJSlimShaney is basically just some wanna be white and nerdy loser, whom Weird Al sings about here, in one of his best songs evah.

You're welcome for the odd distraction in your day.
Peace out my peeps!



Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Devil's in the Details

I got a good one yesterday!
So good that I covertly RAN back to Tammy's office to show her.
I couldn't believe it.
Just couldn't believe it.
(And by the way, it's hard to covertly run, in heels, without drawing attention to yourself from people that already think you're uber weird. Have you ever tried it before?)

Anyway, back to the resume at hand... a charming young lady who seemed so sweet and innocent... (we'll just call her "Hannah") made a dire mistake at the very very end of her resume. I almost didn't catch it- it was literally the last sentence.

Now first, before I spring the appalling catch phrase on you, let me just paint the picture of our darling virginal resume submitter, Hannah.
Ahem.

She worked as a private residence caregiver for 7 years, where she helped housebound adults.
Then she spent a lot of time doing volunteer work, until she finally landed at Jo-Ann Fabrics, where she was responsible for "cutting fabric, packaging rements" (I'm pretty sure she meant remnants) and "following weights and measurement guidelines."

So...you know... a pretty calm and fairly wholesome individual overall, no?

Alright, now that I've painted you a picture of Miss Perfect- let's release the statement that made me choke on my iced tea and covertly run down the hallway towards my fearless side kick Tammy.

At the very end of her resume, in annoying Comic Sans type under a category she named "Other", THIS STATEMENT:

"Screwing since junior high school"

Choke.

Uh, yeah. You read that right, SCREWING since junior high school.

Gasp.

Given the nature of her resume, there's a pretty good chance she meant to put SEWING since junior high school, but who can be sure, really?

It's usually the quiet ones you gotta look out for ;0)

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Confession Time

Okay, it's confession time.

I've been doing this blog for a while now and over the many months that I've been faithfully posting and using this as my griping platform, my boss has been quietly (and oh so patiently) letting it unfold.

I don't know why exactly he puts up with it (or me for that matter) except that perhaps he sees it (and me?) for it's (my?) good attributes.

Whew. That was a mouthful.

People ask me frequently how my boss feels about the fact that I've published this blog, but the truth is, we've rarely had direct conversations about it. They've been more "beat around the bush" conversations involving me trying to bolt out of his office like the building's on fire once he brings it up. I know he cringes any time anybody discusses it or he sees a new post show up on his rolling Facebook news feed.

(Yes, I'm friends with my boss on FB. Many people have advised me NOT to be over the past year or so, but we are a small office, which equates to a more "family" like setting--- we know each other's vices and virtues and exploit each other accordingly, just like a real family would...ergo, we are friends on Facebook.)

Anyhoo- I suppose if I were to really analyze the situation and how this all unfolded, there is an innate understanding that if I don't spout off in some form, I might blow. I've mouthed off to my patient boss more than once (and not jokingly mind you) that some of the stuff I'm exposed to is so damn rotten and downright abusive (search my archives for Meanie Monday posts to get a partial taste of what I'm talking about), I might need therapy for it. And that's saying a lot coming from a background such as mine where I previously worked with kids that were mentally ill or in foster home situations where they'd been pulled out of extremely abusive homes. Not to mention the fact that not only does insanity run in my family, it freakin' gallops. (Just kidding mom and dad!)
(And yeah you fellow Pinterest Whores, I totally stole that line from Pinterest...who stole it from somebody deserving but not formally credited on the internet...) Look! Here it is!




The point is, my boss is patient regarding this topic... and I think (quite frankly) continually in shock that people actually read it. (I am too for that matter LOL.)
My blog is like the elephant in the room (office?) and it's getting larger and larger and harder and harder to shove out of the way every day, but he's still tolerant nonetheless.

Why am I talking about this you ask?
Because last week something *mahvalous* happened.




Here's the scene in a nutshell:
Our office got a visit from two great CareerBuilder.com execs, who'd flown in from Chicago to meet with us and a handful of other accounts they carried in our area. I wasn't paying much attention to my boss's calendar (even though I stare at it all day long and are constantly scheduling people on it... great secretary/admin type I am eh?) until like the afternoon before the visit was to occur, it finally dawned on me whose name I'd been booking people around. I buzzed boss man over the phone system and said "This Alex on your calendar, is that *Alex from CareerBuilder* Alex?" to which I'm sure he rolled his eyes back in his office and then replied "Yeessss. What about her?" Me: "She's coming HERE? Or are you just having some kind of a phone meeting?" Him: "Noooo, she's coming here. Why?" Me: "Uh, I dunno. I've just never gotten to meet anybody from the big bad daddy CareerBuilder building up in the Chicago skyline before." (Well okay, that's not what I said exactly, but that's sure what I was thinking!)
Him: Click.
(He does that, he'll just suddenly hang up on you. That's how you know the conversation you were having is over.)

So I sat there contemplating this concept. Alex was physically coming to our office. How cool.

Now for a little background- I'd (we'd) always had the same CareerBuilder account exec named Ryan for years. YEARS. He helped me with random ridiculous problems; would try to explain things over and over to get them through my thick, blond head...we were a comfortable "familiar" with how lame brained I was and how he was going to save me.

Alex transitioned into Ryan's position when he got a promotion a few months back, so she jumped right in and rolled up her sleeves when I instantly had some stupid ass issue that I couldn't figure out. She calmly walked me through how to fix my little minuscule problem and we'd talked a few times since then, but we'd never actually had a physical visit to the office to my knowledge. Certainly not since 2008- so this was new to me.

The day arrived, we had appointments booked before and after Alex's meeting time, but low and behold, she brought a trusty and handsome sidekick named Graham (yo Graham!) with her. I'd never spoken with Graham before, didn't know him from boo, but nevertheless, there he sat across from me on our cushy, olive green sofa next to Alex.

Now let me just say as a side bar, I'm pretty convinced after recently cruising through some pics of the CareerBuilder execs back in Chicago that you cannot be fugly and work there. They just won't tolerate it. I'm sure it's some sort of unspoken code, like how fire fighters always have to be smokin' hot (pun intended) or they won't be accepted into the fold... you know, that unspoken code. I'm fairly sure that's what's going on over there, but of course, being a completely legit operation and certainly up on all the legalities of employee hiring practices, they'd vehemently deny my observation. I'm not sure if I was expecting some 520 lb. chain smoking 73 year old hag or what, but let me just say Alex (short for Alexandra) was cotton pickin' adorable and Graham was quite the catch too. Both professional and quick on their feet of course, suffice it to say, the big dominating CareerBuilder gurus in the sky know how to pick employees.

That being said, we conversed briefly with light hearted banter about how us Californians have NO clue as to what cold is (and of course, I sheepishly had my ski jacket draped over the back of my chair behind me and was wishing I'd placed it somewhere else that morning...) when boss man finally came up to retrieve our visitors and take them back to his office. As they were starting down the hallway and had passed my desk, Graham turned and said to me "We read your blog!"
Say wha?
This. Was. Hysterical.

Once those words came out of his mouth, it was as if time slowed down to the pace of quick sand, and yet it all happened so fast, it was unreal. The only thing I can equate it to is that weird feeling you get when you watch that horrible movie The Matrix, with Keanu Reeves.

It felt like this:



I'm pretty sure I said "You do??" with this quizzical look on my face and then as I glanced at boss man, he looked like he was turning various shades of abnormal colors and appeared as if he was about to do one of these:


He did manage to bark out in a shocked questionary tone:
"You do?!?!?"

To which our visitors laughed and then continued to discuss it down the hall to his office where they closed the door and I was left wondering what the HELL they were in there saying about me and my blog my boss tolerates. 

Hmmph.

But!

This totally and completely made my day,
my week,
my month, 
and quite possibly
my last 6 months.

Thank you Alex and Graham for this simple mention and your kind words about being readers.


Stay tuned for more actual resume funny tomorrow my peeps! Peace out!



Tuesday, February 21, 2012

This ain't the personal ads people

Alright.
It's time I spout off about this because it's been drivin' me FREAKIN' CRAZY for months...years? Probably years now that I really take a second to think about it.

So here's the overview...as I outlined in this previous blog post... interests and/or hobbies aren't really necessary to put on your resume any more. Unless of course you have a very special niche career in which it would apply, posting them really does nothing more than
a) take up space
and
b) make us Recruiter/HR types snicker our asses off at you.



The most recent round I've collected is SO SO silly, I couldn't of course help but share.

Before I do though, I just wanted to point out the fact that way back in the stone age (or whenever it was that people decided it was necessary to put "Interests" or "Hobbies" on resumes) I really don't know what the eff they were thinking. Because really, what's the difference besides an interest or a hobby? I think they are like 2 degrees off in separation or something minuscule like that. One could assume that hobbies just start off as mere interests, and evolve into something more.
But still, when I see them posted on a resume?
All I can think is 1 of 3 things:
YAWN
or
YOU'RE AN IDIOT
or
SAVE IT FOR YOUR MATCH.COM PROFILE.


Ahem.

Let's begin, shall we?


"I enjoy gardening and quilting"








How thrilling. Be still my beating heart.



"My favorite color is purple and I'm a spunky Sagittarius."





How nice. I totally don't care.



"I like long walks on the beach and beautiful sunsets..."





Pffft. Like that isn't an overused stereotypical catch phrase circa 1978...



"My hobby is that I enjoy spending time playing with my fiance and Bowser my Basset Hound."





Okay, I love Basset Hounds, so I'm going to leave that one alone. But "playing" with your fiance?
Ummmm, yeah. Like totally inappropriate.



"My hobby is global news."




 Uhhh, really? Could you be any more dull?



"Hobbies: children"


This simple statement was from a guy that has no career affiliation with children...ummmm this scares me.
Should I be reporting him?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Bueller?


"Hobbies: Fresh and salt water aquariums"


This was also posted from a job seeker that had no prior employment experience with aquariums. 
Or fish.
Or even the rocks that go in the bottom of the tank.

Can you say random?



"Expanding Home Brewing Beer Possibilities"




Bahahahahaha!!
(This one was admittedly extra funny to me because my hubby home brews...)



"Hobbies: Advertysment"

Wha? Who has a hobby regarding advertising? The dude's background had nothing to do with marketing or advertising. Or even spelling things correctly for that matter. Perhaps he was involved with THIS advertisement:






"Watching Anime"


Do I really need to say anything about this one??



"Hobbies: I love selling things. I once sold 640 candy bars at a dollar each for my sisters fiffth grade class."

Okay, clearly, this candy bar selling dude that loves selling things but has a problem with spelling things should be hooked up with my "advertisment" dude above. Don't you agree? I should totally arrange a soiree of sorts for them.

And I know it's not exactly a pic of candy bars, but I found this and couldn't resist posting it...


Heh.



"Hobbies: Walking and bingo"

Really?
How old are you anyway??
(Wait, don't answer that...technically I'm not allowed to ask...)





"Hobbies: Counseling peers and bowling"
Huh?
Did you mean "counseling peers while bowling"??

Or just drinking too much while bowling and spouting off your opinion when nobody really freakin' cares?



"Hobbies: Puzzles"

What kind of puzzles? Cuz if it's this kind, then...

Yawn.

But if it's this kind:

Then that's just funny shit.
You should really be more specific when posting that your only hobby is puzzles, just sayin'...



"Hobbies: making pool shot videos for youtub"

Youtub?


Is that a new video hosting website I haven't heard of as of yet?



"Hobbies: Live events and fantasy sports"


I suppose it's "live" events vs. "fantasy" sports, just to keep an even keel and all? Like one foot is firmly planted in reality while the other one is loosely floating in fantasy?
?



And last for now, but knowing my luck, certainly not the last I'll see on a resume:

"Hobbies: Socializing with friends."



Yeah, because NOBODY likes socializing with their friends.

Twit.


Peace out my peeps!

PS Which friend icon are YOU? I'm pretty sure I'm Cartwright, but fingers are crossed I'm something cooler like Spongebob. ;0)