Who's Crazier? Seriously.

Warning: this posting has nothing to do with resumes. NOTHING.

Will you enjoy it anyway?
You bet your sweet bippy you will!

So! On with the show. 

I live in a moderately sized town in Southern California 

called Simi Valley. 

Nestled approximately 1/2 way between Santa Barbara and Los Angeles, (well not really, but that's for you out of towners that usually have no clue where anything but those 2 cities are..), Simi boasts a population of approximately 126,874 people (give or take a few babies that were born in the time it took me to compose this blog piece), and used to be ranked as one of the top safest cities in the country.

Here's a lovely map for no real further clarification purposes:

See? Between Santa Barbara & LA. The green hokey map don't lie.

I grew up in Simi, in what is affectionately called "The Texas Tract" around these here parts. (Yeah, it's just a bunch of streets named after cities from Texas. Shocking I know).

Just like any hometown, bad things happen here:

Something very sad/bad happened here.

Also, ironically being featured today on Dr. Phil... Simi's massive heroin problem:

 http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/1980, 

Why yes, this qualifies as another bad thing... yikes-a-hooty!

Some good things happen here too though:

Ahhh the sweet smiles of newly wedded bliss. Just try to remember how much joy you were feeling at this moment, in the rolling hills of Simi Valley, the next time you glance up and see your Handsome Groom sitting on the sofa scratching his beer belly and playing video games, oh Beautiful Bride.

Simi Valley is also known for a few things. 

We house the ever cool (regardless your political affiliation yo!) Ronald Reagan Library:

...which houses Air Force One:

which is truly breathtaking by the way

and also uber cool because you get to tour INSIDE it as well. I assure you, y'all would be shocked as to how small the actual insides are.

We were the chosen venue for the court case of Rodney King...

And no, the conservative folk of our town were NOT happy about this going on.
Like at ALL. I remember it well.

we have 1 strip club named "Snooky's" 

the whole town knows about...

I think a better name for a strip club would be "Plan B"... as in "picking up a real woman to get naked for you is Plan A... if that fails, on to Plan B." 

and bad fires... don't get me started about the bad fires 

we get out here...

Yes, this melted sign is real people. Totally NOT photo-shopped. 

But as of one fateful day back in October of 2011, Simi suddenly had something new to be known for: 

Minnie the Missing Chihuahua.

So this is Minnie, Pre-Coyote-Dung-Stage:

"Awww she'z so cute!" I know right?

I've blogged BITCHED AND MOANED about Minnie before. I scream about it on the Book of Face so much, my friends have come to specifically think of me for 3 topics: Sailing, Resumes, and Minnie the Missing Chihuahua. 

I'm not kidding. People post pics of the sign holders on my wall all the time to complain, and if they see me in person they'll say "Oh that's funny! I just saw one of those "Minnie's Missing" sign trucks go by and thought of you!"

Gah.

Don't believe me? Here are some pics I've snapped, my friends have snapped, and random strangers have snapped and sent to me:

This is one of the original signs from back in the day.

And another.

And this is the latest and greatest one... held everyday by the
 used-to-be Domino's Pizza sign holder Hispanic dude with a gnarly mustache
that waves his hand at you funny as you drive by, I suppose to get your attention?
As if we didn't actually KNOW about this missing dog? Pull-lease.

My original blogging bitch session is here in case you're new to my site.

The gist of the story is this:

Some small 3 pound coyote snick-snack, overly loved by her rich husband-wife-twat-waffle owners disappeared on 10/9/11. 

This husband-wife-say the new word with me my little chickees: ~TWAT-WAFFLE~ owners are doctors. 

(Whom I will never freakin' EVER support by the way. Even if I were dying and they had the only known cure to whatever I was dying from. Even IF.)

The minute she went missing, the rich and wasteful doctors kicked their lunacy into high gear and bombarded the entire town with hundreds of fliers in bags on driveways with rocks to hold them down, stuck signs to poles lining the entire west end of the valley, put sign holders on multiple corners at all hours of the day, and talked people into driving their vehicles around with Tyrannosaurus Rex sized banners and door magnets bearing Minnie's pic.

 It's Fudiculous. With a capital "F".

This whole entire epidemic has become a running joke in Simi. 

Should you ever come here to visit (although I don't necessarily know WHY you would, except to score some heroin now that you've seen Dr. Phil's show) and nothing readily comes to mind to speak to the natives about, just ask:

"So! What do you think REALLY happened to Minnie?" 

You'll get answers like "It's an elaborate hoax, it's Simi Valley's version of the Truman show" or "Coyote Dung!" etc. 

Whatever they say, they will IMMEDIATELY slam into gear and want to talk about it. Not one person I've talked to at grocery stores, gas stations, or retail shops (cuz yes, I'm a freak like that and will just talk to random strangers-don't judge) has even been *slightly* on the side of the nutcase owners, who've shelled out more money than the Gross National Product of Portugal to obsessively advertise for the lost, fur-laden cause. 

It's the most insane-in-the-membrane campaign. 

While I appreciate the opportunity for our local printers and sign makers and holders to make some money, 

SERI-FUCKING-OUSLY. PEOPLE.

Put the signs away, stop badgering the poor citizens of our city with your bullshit, and GET A GRIP.

Why yes, Bunny O'Rage, I share your hatred for Minnie's owners.

And so setting that case aside for a moment, let's examine another kind of cray-cray... exclusively relegated to Simi Valley.

Not as many people know about this particular freak show as he's on a side residential street on my path to work, in a neighborhood not many people dare to venture to. 

For FIVE YEARS I have driven by this anomaly of a man, who has the facial structure of Waldorf from the Muppets when he turns around to startle the passers by:

Yes, just like the dude on the right. Only with creepier eyes.

Are you ready for it?

Are you SURE?????

I'm not sure you are. 

Really, I'm not.

I think this is possibly a one-of-a-kind situation. 

For reals.

So I'm using all this blather to be a cliff hanger, is it working?

Oh alright, I guess you're as ready as you'll ever be.

I present to you, Crazy Dirt Boy:

This man walking poster child of mental illness piles, wets, rearranges, moves, constructs, dirt. And then he grows helpless, terror stricken plants in it. 

By the way, his legs aren't exceptionally short (he's actually quite tall), he was just DOWN IN A FUCKING HOLE he'd dug when I snapped this pic.

Here's another one for good measure:

WTF???

Let me just say these few things about this particular situation:

1. The amount of water he wastes is epic and tragic. I'm assuming he can't afford a better house simply because his water bills are astronomically high. That and he has no time for a job, cuz THIS shit fest is what he DOES.. which leads me to #2:

2. He's out there ALL DAY LONG. I'm talking from sun up to sun down. Think of the actual worthy projects that would benefit if somebody could just figure out how to *safely harness* that energy and effort. Mind blowing.

3. He needs help. I see him driving around and even ran into him (literally, turned around and bumped into him) at the gas station last year. 

Yes, it was shocking. 

Yes, he smelled of dirt and stench.

Yes, his face is scarier in person.

Yes, it took everything in me to remain calm and not run for my life.

But seriously, he's OUT DRIVING AROUND, like an everyday,  ho-hum Simi Valley Citizen. 

I used to work in a mental health outpatient facility and this dude would have been labeled a Defcon level 1 situation. How can we get him into a facility that can take care of him?

4. What must the backyard look like? Oh sweet baby Jebus. Just let that one sink in for a minute. Where do you think all that dirt came from? I'm supposing he's either stealing it from other neighbors' yards, OR he's getting it from the back yard. I'm betting there's an ACTUAL tunnel to China back there. Also? Dead bodies not resting in peace under constantly restructured mounds with terrified plants growing out of them.

5. Tell me people... does this situation not remind you of this?:

OMG! What if he watches Days of Our Lives too?  AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

So, in closing, I ask you, who's crazier my chickadees?

Minnie's owners?

Or Crazy Dirt Boy?

Maybe it's all the heroin. 

That's gotta be it.

Peace out my peeps!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy

Well I know I've disappeared for awhile here ... and I wasn't going to say anything about it or point it out ... was just going to carry on as if I hadn't skipped a beat or been missing at all, but a lot of you have noticed and have been concerned enough to contact me through the 16 (yes I counted) creative ways to get a hold of me to ask me "WTF?!? Where did you go? I NEED TO LAUGH" etc.

So thank you, those of you that claimed I'm missed. 

You made me feel *super special*, almost like a minor D rated celebrity for half a second there, but your message has been received, loud and clear. 

I need to keep writing, not only to make you poor saps laugh but to help me keep my sanity.

It's been exactly 30 days since I last blogged. 
30!

That's an epic number for me considering a couple of years ago I posted almost EVERY SINGLE DAY.

So WTF could be going on that's been keeping my attention from blogging you might ask? 

Well here's a list of some of the things I've managed to accomplish while I've been away.

Since I'm a jokester and the court jester for most of the hours that make up my typical day, these accomplishments/distractions may or may NOT be true, so I'll just let you speculate which ones are accurate:

I've been over-run with resume orders. 
I've been secretly writing a book.
I'm knee deep in an office move at my insurance job.
There's construction going on at my house.
I have a teenager that needs a kick in her ass more often than usual lately.
I got a tattoo.
I went on a drinking binge.
I had some "work" done.
I have 3 new boyfriends. Oh, and the usual husband.

Out of all the *possible* made up scenarios, that last one seems to be kicking my ass the most. ;0)

Seriously though here folks, I've been busy.
Who the eff cares doing what, let's just get down to the resume silliness shall we? Bring it baby!

The pile of absolute resume CRAP I've collected over those last 30 days is pretty much bathing in awesomesauce. 

Although I haven't had a spare moment to sit down and express my feelings in this particular venue as of late, the giggling fits at my desk have not ceased.

Lo and behold, people are Still. Stupid.

Oh boy oh boy oh BOY are they stupid.

I'll start with some simple ones, and work my way up the catastrophic ladder... baby steps as they say right?

From James- who listed all the hundreds of ways one can get a hold of him at the top of the resume, and right in the middle, smooshed in between 4 different phone numbers was this little diddy:

"(LEAVE MESSAGE WITH EMAIL ONLY)"

Really James? 
Fuck you.
I will not be contacting you at all. Asshat.

And then there was Michelle, who has a penchant for brackets and all things parentheses-related--- here's how her resume was laid out:

"Objective: [to obtain a career]
Summary of Qualifications: [March 2009-July 2009]
[Bank of America]
[Santa Clarita, CA]
[Responsible for collecting and counting money]"

And on and on it went, like this, down the ENTIRE PAGE. 
[Who does this??]
[Oh wait, probably somebody that's stupid enough to put that their Objective is to obtain a career. Silly me.]

Then there was Tim, sweet, sweet, ridiculous Tim.
Who applied to a SALES POSITION that specifically stated "road warrior" status in the job description (meaning, one has to not only have a car, but it will be overflowing with fast food wrappers, receipts, and daily trash because one will be spending a SHITLOAD of time in it).
Tim put THIS in his cover note to me:

"Thank you for perusing my resume. For your benefit, I'm not a sales person, I don't have any professional "level" type experience, and am currently without reliable transportation. Thank you again."

I'm sorry, wait, what? How exactly does this "benefit" me? 
And furthermore, why the fuck would I want to even FLIP TO THE NEXT PAGE to even GLANCE at his resume after he's made himself so unattractive as a candidate?
SHRED.


Next up is Patrick... who put this in his resume opening statement:

"I am currently enrolled at Ashford University, working to earn a degree in Early Childhood Development. I only want a job in this field so as to bring cohesiveness to my life."

Really Patrick? REALLY?
Why would you say this? 
Scratch that, why would you apply to MY posted position, IN THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY, and say this? I'm astounded at your level of foolishness.


Fresh off the IT Turnip Truck, we have Anthony... who sent me his IT resume and had the nerve to say THIS to me with it:

"Hi Stephanie. I would be interested in a different position if one comes up that would fit under IT, as my skills are more closely honed to this category. Please take the time to keep in touch and forward my resume to the head of IT.
Thank you."

Yeah, you're so right Anthony, I have NOTHING BETTER TO DO than your exact request. Thank you for fulfilling my life. I've waited so long for you to come along!

Then there was Gail, who applied for a telemarketer position here in our District Office in Southern California, who lives in OHIO and wanted me to relocate her to here, on our dime. For a $10 an hour, part-time TELEMARKETER position. 
Astounding.

Next up was Jon, who puts at the top of his resume that he's retired. 
But didn't mean to be. 
And then after all that, specifically said this:
"Still healthy, vibrant, active with no maladies.. would like to be back to active employ."


Adrian put his contact info at the top of his resume, and then this, and ONLY this:

"Job objective: CONSTRUCTION. No experience."

And that was it.
Einstein.

From Ken ... a personal note attached to his resume highlighting his very accomplished position as a "Cartoon Character":

"What are you going to pay me every day for this position? I have a couple of bills I pay but am barely able to afford to pay them as I'm grinding it out right now like something fierce."

Did Ken just say that to me? 
Where the fuck am I? 
In the Twilight Zone? 
Oh wait, I must be in Cartoon Land.

And then there's poor, POOR Tina, who graduated from FIDM, and is being aptly punished and having all her dreams of being a famous fashion designer DASHED every day of her life when she has to show up and... wait for it... "Scrub mannequin body parts".

Next up, one of my personal all time faves... Devin.
Oh boy, where do I begin with this one?
Devin is ... um ... special.
This is his entire resume:

"1.) I worked as a furniture manufacturer with this very special material I took the time to acquire from a beach in Ventura, called driftwood. After collecting this special material, me and the company owner Donnie would use tools to create rocking chairs. After months of doing such, we wanted to expand, so I would enter stores and badger them into letting us sell our chairs at their establishments. Donnie was my mother's boyfriend for 12 years, but nonetheless, he cannot be contacted, because he expired on September nineteenth two thousand and ten. "


And last but certainly not least... drum roll please...

Daniel.

There's SO many things to choose from on Daniel's resume.. Just. So. Many.

Under his Summary of Qualifications and Skills, he posted that he excels at "visionless typing". 
WTF is that?

He also stated that he has "Fantabulous Managerial Skills".
FANTABULOUS??
Who says that on a resume???!?

And of course, Daniel was the type to include TONS of personal information, which is a major no-no. 

Under the "About Me" section (cuz you know, it's not just a resume submission, it's an opportunity to practice for your eHarmony profile):
"Strong Ethics/Very Creative/Love to Smile/Positive Character & Vibe/Ok with traveling to distant places"

and the best, absolute BEST part of Daniel's resume was this info under the "Personal Info" section:

"Favorite shows: Three's Company & Knight Rider 1980's" and "something interesting about me, I have a bird named Charlie that sleeps with me at night."

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Should I call him and ask him to bring the bird with him to his fake interview?

Until next time... peace out my peeps!

Is the advice I give appreciated? Hardly.

I know I jokingly answer some of the emails I receive here on my blog, but somebody asked me the other day if I actually ever email some of these job seekers back to let them know how badly they are fucking up their chances of landing a position. 

You bet your sweet bippy I do.

Do they appreciate my efforts at making them a better job seeker?
Hardly.

I pulled some actual examples of mistakes being made and my responses... and here they are, in all their glory.  

From Alexandra, with a Bachelor of Arts in English, her position as a Journalist listed with the following description:
"Worked on a featured eekly college newspaper"

I emailed her to tell her that while her exact skill set was not a match to the position she'd applied for with my company, I'm sure her journalistic and English skills were more than likely going to be an advantage to another searching employer. I also added that unless the college newspaper was actually CALLED the "Eekly Examiner," she might want to consider changing the word "eekly" to "weekly". 


From Amanda, who only had the following listed as a resume:

"Amanda J_______
805-555-1212
sxkitten711@____.com

Resume

Objective: to obtain a job in collections as a collections agent"

And that was it.

So here's what I emailed the Lovely SexKitten Miss Amanda (even though I knew I would do absolutely NOTHING with her):

"Dear Amanda,
Thank you for your response to my job posting on ______.com. I was just wondering where the rest of your resume is? It looked extremely incomplete and I was curious as to whether or not that is a mistake and you meant to send me something else? 
Also out of curiosity... does "Sxkitten711" in your email address stand for "Sex Kitten? And if it does, I was just wondering how you thought that might be beneficial to your job search?
Regards,
Stephanie N.
Recruiting Director for ____________ "

And then there's this frequently made mistake as of late... where people are putting this junk instead of their name:

I don't know WHERE they are getting this template from (possibly Monster from what I can gather), but I get at least 1 or 2 of these resumes a week. So I finally got fed up with it and emailed this guy in particular to give him an "insider's perspective". This is what I told Mr. Paul (whose name I only know because it was attached to his email address...):

"Dear Paul,
Thank you for applying for the position of ____________ I have posted on _______________.com right now. I am attaching a picture of your resume that I took with my phone after I printed it out and placed it on my desk. Why would I do this you ask? I wanted you to see how the Recruiters and Hiring Managers of the world actually SEE what you are sending out. In a nutshell, unless the name on your birth certificate is "Error! Reference source not found." I think it's time to correct your mistake. My spidey senses tell me you'll have a better shot at actually landing a position that way.
Best,
Stephanie ..."

Did any of these job seekers actually RESPOND to my cheeky emails pointing out their stupid mistakes? 
Nope.

Shits given?
0

Peace out my peeps.

Too funny NOT to share

Okay, this post admittedly has NOTHING to do with resumes, but this guy's sense of humor was BEYOND AWESOME, so I figured if you like me and my warped sense of humor, I'd be doing a disservice to my readers by NOT sharing this Craigslist posting with you.

Slight back story- my husband got himself a really cool bike this Christmas. It's a 1965 Honda S90. 
Here's a pic of it:

So while he found his gem of a bike on ebay, he spent many a night on Craigslist, hunting down his future sweet ride.

Here's a copy of the posting for the ad on Craigslist that has since been pulled as the bike was sold. 
Prepare to spit your beverage of choice out all over your computer screen. 
(Can't say I didn't warn you...)

Sick Ass 1971 Honda CB350 - $2300 Sherman Oaks, CA

"Hey there junior badass, ever feel like there's a caged animal trapped inside of you?

Only one cure for that: getting a fucking sick motorcycle. A 1971 Honda CB350. This golden lady will get you to work like a full-blown go hard, transport you and your shotgun through the zombie apocalypse, and give you a new platform for barreling down the boulevard with the wind tearing at your clothes screaming, "I AM ALIVE!" on the way to fucking bikram yoga.

Runs like corn through a goose. Engine rebuilt a year ago with ~400 miles on it since then.

I put new tires on the old girl, because you don't deprive a classy lady of classy shoes. I gave her a new chain because she needed some fucking jewelry.

Electric start, kickstart, fucking push start, you name it.

Why am I selling it? Cos being alive rules, and I'm far too gnarly of a dude to have a motorcycle. I see a ramp, I'm gonna hit that motherfucker going 300mph, backflip over the 405.

$2300 gets you the Golden Lady, two helmets, some fucking saddlebags, a shop manual, a quart of oil (plus all the oil that's up in her right now), a full tank of PREMIUM MOTHERFUCKING GASOLINE (91 octaaaaaaannneeee), some links to my favorite YouTube videos, a short story about robots, a cup of coffee with me, and whatever kind of donut you want."

Now THAT'S the way to write a motherfucking Craigslist posting!
Peace out my peeps!

Dear Stephanie- An Advice Column-esque Write Up, Complete With a FUCK YOU to 2012!

Well today is officially the last day of 2012.
And all I have to say to that fact is good fucking riddance.

Oh sure, some of you out there will be all like "Wait! 2012 was like my BEST YEAR EVAH! 2012 was the year I: got married/had a baby/bought my first house/got a new car/reunited with my family" etc etc. Well yippee skippy dippy for you. 

I'm happy for you, really I am. 


Now don't get me wrong, I accomplished a lot of shit in 2012, but seriously, it was painful and like trying to drunk swim in a river of molasses at times. (I've tried it before, so I know of what I speak.)

Work was a bitch and an uphill battle most of the time, construction on the purple box we purchased has been non-stop and we're still living with THIS in the goddamned kitchen area:

Oh ugly 80's fireplace wall, how I LOATHE thee.

2012 also represents the fact that I worked through another pretty big surgery removing a vital body part, I learned to live with not only my regularly "fussy" titanium-laced fused spine, but, just for good measure, I added a neck herniation to the mix.

I also somehow adjusted to being the mother of a high school daughter in Color Guard... which is actually a positive but damn if I didn't learn how to 
a) rearrange my life to her (odd) schedule 
(read- get LITTLE to no sleep) 
and 
b) come to terms with the thousands of dollars I spent pouring gas into my truck to haul her ass back and forth to all her events. (I'm pretty sure I work full time just to be able to afford my teenager.)

I also didn't get to write nearly as much as I'd intended. 

But so what really- I know I've got it good compared to the hundreds of thousands of job seekers in our country, I should just shut the fuck up right? 
Right.

So on that note, I'll stop my bitching and get to the real reason you're all still here- let's send out 2012 with a Smashing Resume Mockery send off, shall we? 

This will be a version similar to Dear Abby, but we'll call it "Dear Stephanie". These are actual emails sent to me directly, or just stupidly included in the job seekers' cover notes. Ready? Ready.
Or as DJ EZ Rock says here "HIT IT!"

"HI STEPHANIE MY NAME IS ERIKA I JUST RECEIVED YOU. IMA INTERESTIED IN LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY BUT ONLY HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH ASPHALT COMPANIES. WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO?"

Dear ERIKA,
I CAN ALMOST SPOT THE INCOMPLETE SENTENCES AND TYPOS YOU'VE SPRAYED ME WITH LIKE THOSE ASPHALT COVERED PARKING LOTS YOU HELP BUILD, BUT I TRUTHFULLY CAN'T GET PAST THE NOISE FROM YOU YELLING AT ME IN ALL CAPS TO HELP YOU. THAT IS ALL.

Yes, this is a pic of women laying asphalt. Leave it to the internetz to have this kind of shit for me to use.

"Dear Stephaanie,
I would be great full if I could meet with you. 
Sincerely,
Jay @bjay69@---"

Dear BJay69,
Does that email address stand for "blow job 69? or Big Jay 69? Because you've definitely intrigued me and I wholeheartedly agree that a meeting between the two of us would be "full of great" as you say. Hit me up on the Craigslist personal ads, yo!
Sincerely, 
Busty Recruiter Chick

"Dear Stephanie Recruiter,
Thanks for taking time to read through my lengthy resume. As you can see, I most recently worked for our wonderful company but got tired of working 40 hours a week so I quit. My husband seems to think this was a mistake, so I'm wanting to pursue a career with ______ Insurance again. Thanks for helping me get back into good hands.
Sincerely,
Lacey"

Dear Lacey,
Well you really BLEW THAT now didn't you? Good luck in divorce court.
Sincerely,
Stephanie Recruiter in Good Hands Land

"Hello Stephanie,
My name is Devin and attached is my most current resume. Just a little bit about myself: I am 26 years old and have a great work ethic. While most 26 year olds are out of work and hanging out on their parents sofas playing Call of Duty, I am not that guy!!!!! I do not hang out and wait till someone literally comes knocking on my door to offer me a job. No sirreee. I am a definite go getter. Times have been slow for me though. I do live with my parents and have found myself on their sofa playing Call of Duty more than I'd like to admit. I need something to fill in my days that I have free. When I have nothing to do that will make me money, I go a little CRAY CRAY if you know what I mean. ;0) I am one money hungry man and looking to just scoop it up. 
Thanks for listening to me, if you're still reading this.
Best!
Devin"

Dear Call of Duty Devin,
Please have your parents take you to get your meds adjusted and like STAT. I've got enough fucking CRAY CRAY in my office as it is, if you know what I mean, wink wink.
Sincerely,
Recruiter Steph/Unlicensed Mental Health Professional

"Dear Stefanie,
I am interested in the position you have posted online but i have a question. Since I'm a full time student I was wondering if you knew the hours that the job has available to work. I go to school 6 days a week and have been searching for a place that can adjust to my schedule. Below is my schedule so you can let me know if the position can accomodate me. Here's the hours I have available to work:
Monday 5:30 pm -7:00 pm
Tuesday 3:30 pm - 6:15 pm
Wednesday 2:30 pm - 3:45 pm
Thursday 3:30 pm - 4:25 pm
Friday 10:15 am - 2:15 pm
Saturday 11:00 am - 1:40 pm
Sunday- I don't want to work on Sundays. That's my only day off.
Oh and my semester ends shortly, so my schedule will be much different next semester. Thanks,
Allen"

Dear Allen,
Thanks for inquiring about the position I posted online. I sure would love to be able to help out an ambitious and flexible young person such as yourself but instead I'll just say FUCK YOU and your ridiculous parameters. 
Best!
Stephanie

"Dear Compassionate Hiring Manager,
I currently have a job that has nothing to do with insurance, but I assure you that I can learn, and fast! One of my life's mottos is "Safety first, be cautious, joyful and loving!"
Thanks so much for your consideration.
Wendy."

Dear Wendy,
Awww that's so sweet. I'm sorry to inform you that you cannot handle the job you are applying for. I'll also save you a lot of world lesson heartache now and simply say this: go play with puppies.
Sincerely,
Compassionate Recruiter Chick

"Hi, this is my resume and my clover letter and one listed reference. please look at it. all. if i'm good for you and the position, please say it to me. and email me back this mail or call me at the number i left on my resume.
-Charlie"


Dear Charlie,
I looked at it. 
All. 
I fear you would not be good for me OR the position in any capacity, so I will say it to you as you so clearly requested- YOU SUCK. I hope this mail method was acceptable to you, and furthermore, I will not be calling the number you left on your shitty resume.
PS I was expecting Clovers and Lucky Charms to be included... thanks for getting my hopes up for NOTHING.
Best of luck to you with your futile job hunt!
Stephanie

"Hi Stephanie,
Thanks for looking at my resume. I really appreciate it. I am a gifted and decisive proven leader that creates and maintains outstanding relationships. I look forward to improving your work environment with my presence.
Regards,
Preston"

Dear Preston,
Congratulations! You are this week's winner of the "Most Over-Blown Description of One's Qualifications" Award! This is a special endowment only bestowed upon the most deserving. And while I'm sure all of your great experience FOLDING CLOTHES AT THE GAP would come in handy at my house, your presence in my work environment would do anything BUT improve it.
Good luck Sunshine!
-Stephanie

"Dare Hiring Person:
I am looking for a part-time or full-time job that will help highlight my strong personality. I currently work as a volunteer at the Parks and Rexs and intend to graduate shortly.
Thanks for ur help,
Joe"

Dare Joe,
As it wasn't indicated on your resume, please send me the name of the school you will be graduating from shortly. I need to call them and tell them they should be ashamed of themselves for giving you a diploma in anything other than stupidity.
Oh, and you're very welcome for the help!
-A Concerned American Citizen

"Dear Stephanie,
I am excited to apply for the highest ranking position I could find listed with your office. I am a very fast learner, so please do not let my lack of experience in your industry disuade you. I ALWAYS finish all of my task. I do not like to leave any untask or activity unfinished, and I can mult-tit-task. I just recently stopped working and really need this job. 
Thanks,
Mariana"

Dear Mariana,
While I appreciate your incredible enthusiasm and interest in my highest ranking position far above your skillset, I think your short time at Jack In the Box speaks against your argument for never leaving any tasks unfinished. There are still fries to be fried. 
PS What is "mult-tit-task"ing? Is that some new way to fry fries? With your tits? Perhaps that's why you recently stopped working. You might want to look into that.
-Stephanie

There really are some things that can't be unseen huh? Sorry 'bout that. Had to do it.

"Dear Recruiter Person,
Hello i am sending this in response to the job posting i saw i feel i posses the characterhistics you are looking for from my previous employers i have gained a lot of costumer service experience and i am a very self motivated individual always thriving for the business i am interested in the job and will be looking forward to hearing from you thanks for yor time.
Paul"

Dear Paul,
Thank you for causing me to weep at my desk. You have been super helpful to me this morning, what with the whole "sending me into a spiral of self-questioning related to my particular career choice of being a recruiter over finishing my degree in English to become a teacher for sorry asses such as yourself" thing. I appreciate the reminder of why I actually drink at night.
Oh, and by the way, THERE ARE NO FUCKING COSTUMES IN INSURANCE. I felt you should know this for all the other insurance-related positions you're about to apply to and get turned down for.
Sincerely,
Alcoholic Recruiter Person

And that's it for now my little chickadees!
If you plan on ripping it up and drinking like a sieve like I will probably do tonight, please do it around people that love you, will only partially make fun of you, and will make sure you get your sweet ass safely to bed without hurting others. 

Oh and as far as 2013... I'm ready, BRING IT BITCH!

My Funny's Broke

I don't tend to get terribly political or bring up current events on this blog.
Do I get lippy?
Yes.
But political or incredibly "debatey"?
No.

The shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School (and let's not forget at the Oregon mall a few days before that) placed me in a funk that I've truthfully tried to override, but have failed... at least behind the lovely lavender walls of the little box I call home. 

I know myself well enough to restrict my television viewing during moments like these, as I tend to dissolve into a puddle of tears while squeezing and slobbering all over my appropriately concerned cat. 

Scrolling through Facebook posts has turned into drudgery and I've actually avoided it for days on end. (And as a quick side bar- to all my Facebook "friends" that put up ridiculous posts about inconsequential things such as "I've lost my phone! I think I might have to kill myself!!" I have this to say to you: FUCK YOU. Do you not even have one fucking OUNCE of SELF-AWARENESS to realize how asinine this is to the rest of the world right now? Who even GIVES A SHIT about how you lost your phone? Adults, and *more importantly* children have DIED. Just for the record: I'm still considering unfriending you.)

To the rest of the world it may appear as if I've gone on to function "normally" (whatever that is), but really, there's some kind of inner turmoil raging inside of me that has to get out. It's as if my "funny's" been broken over the past couple of weeks and I think it's because I have an opinion on this matter and I feel I must share it.

And by share it, I mean share it "here" - otherwise known as my blog domain I rightfully (or theoretically) own.

Even if my opinion is ultimately only read by the 3 people that follow me and the 204 other "fans" in France and the Czech Republic my blog stats keep quoting (wtf?), I feel that perhaps my "funny" will somehow magically become unbroken and I'll be able to make fun of people's resumes once again, in an effort to clean up the lack of employment in our country. That and maybe my point will be heard and somehow, just SOMEHOW, a movement will continue to be pushed in the direction I'm going to talk about.

Now... moving on ...
  

A writer friend of mine that I've affectionately nicknamed "Fog Lifter" posted a relevant article that's been circulating on Facebook, so I wanted to share it with you here, on my blog, in case you haven't seen it. Written by Liza Long, a mother to a special needs child, the article can be found here. Obviously her point is being driven home and hashed and re-hashed by bad journalists a-plenty on our nation's boob toobs day after day, but the concept of mental illness being a raging and widely ignored issue has finally bitten us in the ass. Our country's NEED to open up and run more capable mental health facilities has long been known by yours truly... starting with my several mentally ill (and mostly deceased) family members, then tripping over to my prior job with the State of Nevada Department of Family Services where I worked in a Mental Outpatient Health facility for children and teens... and now, finally, at my recruiter job of all places--- where I see boat loads of resumes from out of work mental health workers EVERY DAMN DAY.

Oodles of potential workers such as MFT's (Marriage & Family Therapists) and LCSW's (Licensed Clinical Social Workers)... Facility and Program Directors... all eligible, highly qualified peeps that should be able to be placed in QUALITY FACILITIES... instead of looking for jobs in insurance because they are starving. Do I call and talk to them? Of course I do! Not only because they are usually great individuals, but also because you never can tell... sometimes our prices can be so shocking to our customers, they can always use a good therapist to talk them off the cliff. (Just KIDDING. Or am I?)

This whole situation is sad to me on multiple levels, but I truly hope our country can turn it around and start meeting the needs of the mentally ill AND the workers that know how to take care of them.

Thanks to my readers (all 3 of you!) for letting me rant (as usual) and getting that off my chest. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some Christmas and Festivus presents to go wrap!