So let's recap, shall we?

Hello! Thanks for visiting my new blog. As it says in my bio over there on the left- I'm a recruiter for a large insurance firm, so I spend most of my days sifting through piles and piles of resumes. Some excellent, some good, some...not so good.

For close to a year now I've been using Facebook as my medium to bitch and moan and vent about what I see, and although that was a good medium to start, I felt it was time to "expand" my griping platform. Thus, I've created this blog. As I don't need any bleeding hearts telling me that I'm a mean bitch, I'll just say that if you're not a fan of sarcasm,  flat out bitterness, poking fun of morons, or even occasional cussing, I suggest you leave now. You've been warned.

And now for the rest of you with the cojones to hang in- here we go!

If you don't know me from boo, or are a friend but haven't been able to keep up with "Stephanie's Resume Roasts" on Facebook- here's a list of all the previous statuses I've posted, to give you an idea of what you've been missing out on. This is a long post, but I didn't want to reuse any previous "material" going forward from here, so I figured this was the best way to do it- just list them all again for everyone to scroll through and read at their leisure.

Always feel free to leave comments. Although I obviously have my own opinions about things (and state them forthrightly) I enjoy reading other people's opinions about what I post. And most of all, thanks for letting me vent.

Okay- here we go!

• This cracked me up today…sometimes people put their “interests” on the bottom of their resumes. Usually they get carried away, citing things I would consider to be in the category of TMI, but this dude put this: “Interests- None.”

WELL Boring McSnoozy Pants- how about not putting it on your resume at all then?

• I don’t like it in general when people put demands or parameters on a potential employer right out the gate as I think it’s off putting. Today my inbox is filled with them. Here’s just one example:“Currently my schedule is only open Tuesday Wednesday and Fridays, all day, except for 11:30am-12:10pm and 5:15pm to 5:50pm.” Is this when she eats? Or does she turn into a werewolf? And how would I place her somewhere?

S I W T E W T
O S T H R A H
T A R E  E S I
OW I W S L S
D A C H U I  .
A N K O M K OY E .  L  E  E Y

(Did you get it? If not...think Scrabble...get vertical...read up down, not left to right etc)

• Well it’s Monday. You know how I know? Because this was part of some girl’s cover letter to me this morning: “My other work experiences include working with the city as a life guard where I did cash analysis.” Really? All this time I thought those bathing suit clad water warriors were busy trying to save people from drowning when really, they were busy tabulating complicated figures. Silly me.

• Please keep in mind that when you submit a resume to an employee via an attachment, we can see what you actually NAME your resume. So while “Best Resume” or “Management Resume” are perfectly acceptable, “This’llFoolEm” is not.

• Busy job searching and frantically applying for every position in the universe without taking a moment to actually see what you're applying for? Then do what this girl did- send THIS little diddy to a prospective employer: "Objective: To obtain a position in ______________________ where I can utilize my ability to work well (with others and/or independently), my organizational skills, as well as my experience in order to improve customer satisfaction." Seriously people.

• Want to tick off a potential employer? Then be sure to put THIS on the top of your resume: “Objective: to obtain a stable job that will work around my school schedule." Because after all, we as employers are not interested in finding people that are a) reliable and b) smart, dedicated and compassionate enough to care for our customers and their needs…WE are only interested in bending to YOUR school schedule.

• If I get one more resume saying they want to work in "Costumer Service" I'm going to SCREAM!! Newsflash people: there are NO costumes involved with insurance. Gah.

• Well it finally happened. I knew it was just a matter of time. Somebody put "LOL" on their resume.

• The quality resume cover note of the day goes to...the girl that put this: "i would love an oppurtnity to work for State Farmers!".

• I love it when I get a resume that states the candidate is presently here and presently in a different country. Really? How are they doing this? Parallel universe perhaps? This intrigues me and I'm thinking I should have them come in, just to explore this topic. Oh but wait, they aren't here... they're overseas. Or ARE they? Man this resume reading stuff is getting DEEP.

• Dear Resume Submitters with the email addresses starting with Caramelfun26, Hottiepatottie32 and Slipandslidemarine… this is an insurance company, not Hustler. Just thought I’d clarify.

• My favorite resume so far this morning is from the girl that worked in the "Childerns's Section" of Barnes and Noble. I think she needs to spend a little more time in a book store, but unfortunately they let her go before she could learn how to spell.

• Here's another first…there’s a hair zeroxed/scanned onto a resume and now I’m afraid to actually TOUCH the resume. Yes, I know this is completely ridiculous, but still. This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode with the Bobka and there’s a hair on it. Elaine shoves it back at the bakery lady and says: “You sold us a hair with a cake around it.” I feel like emailing this person and telling them “You submitted a hair with a resume around it. I cannot accept this.” Gah.

• So I just got a resume where somebody listed the year they worked as 1889. This is a first. And she put she “pays great attention to detail”. Of course she does. 

• To the dude that put “Product Technician-RIP” as his job title on his resume: you might wanna consider losing the acronym. Because like it or not, I’m still gonna picture dead bodies no matter WHAT it could possibly stand for.

• So the exact reverse situation from last week’s episode of the girl that put she worked in 1889 has just occurred. I now have a gentleman that said he worked in 2024. I wonder if I should ask him about the future? And more specifically, does the quality of the resumes get any better? Oh wait, never mind. Judging from his, the answer would be NO.

• Today’s resume flub up goes to the lovely applicant that put this: “Summary: I like to work efficient and put her mind to it.”  Wow. Just wow

• So while I pretty much never EVER recommend putting an "Objective" on your resume, this girl gets a shout out today because she got straight to the point: "Objective: To gain employment with your company." Too-shay girlfriend, too-shay.

• I just got a resume from a girl that worked as a care giver for a guy that had Alzheimer's. While this should be a very sad thing that should not make me giggle, here is what she put that made me laugh so hard I’m actually crying: "I began while they were in stage two with there disease until he pasted away."

• The winner so far today in this round of resumes goes to the girl that put this: Objective -To exceed my own expectations. Well that sure would be something, now wouldn’t it?

• Here's a good diddy to have on your resume: "Flexible regarding work schedule" then 5 lines down, be sure to put "Reason for leaving last employer: scheduling conflicts" Seriously people.

• Forgive me, oh resume submitter, but if you’ve managed to put “Acoopishments” on your resume, I have absolutely no interest in reading them.

• This just popped into my work inbox: “I am sending you my resume for the sales position in simi valley! I would like to set up a interview with you! A quick heads up i will be out of town untill the 21st! So any time after that would be great if that works for you!” While she’s nothing if not enthusiastic, I still can’t help but feel like I’m being yelled at.

• Oooo! Another good one! "I am happy to inform you that I exceed your job requirements!" This from a girl that lives out of state and works at Home Depot- never done a lick of insurance in her life. Ummmmmm- how about you let ME decide if you exceed the job requirements?

• Got an email this morning from a guy that wants to come in and interview today but doesn’t have his resume ready. His email address started with undeniableskillz9@... I wonder if the 10th skill is having your resume done??

• Here's the lame resume sentence of the day: "Possess strong customer service skills and I’m not afraid to use them." I know I shouldn't but for some reason, I feel scared.

• So here's what NOT to put in your cover note with your resume: "I would like to see what your company can do for me." Did y'all catch that? The "me" part? 

• Well I just got a resume from one of the most excited applicants yet: “Am I gonna be selling insurance policies??!? Please let me know!!” Talk about unbridled enthusiasm. You just don’t see that everyday in the world of insurance LOL (And 10 pts if you caught the Seinfeld reference… ;0)

• Here’s a good resume snippit- listed under a young fella’s work experience at a local electronics store: “Things I have learned from working here were that customers need a lot of patients to deal with.” *sigh*

• Well this guy's nothing if not eager. I'm just not sure I can verbally keep up with him when I call him. I think I can, I think I can... "Although my attached resume is practical in nature, it cannot convey the true level of eagerness to be challenged by new endeavors. You will find that I am a rapid learner with a great deal of conviction and enthusiasm that propel me to succeed." 

• I just got a resume that was 7 pages of this: <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> I'm totally calling her.

• Well today’s resume bounty included a guy that thought it would be a great idea to put a picture of himself on his resume. And a “creeptacular” picture at that. You know, the kind that makes all females in the office go “Ewwwwwwwww” when I show off his mug to the group? Yeah, that kind. I don’t care how HOT you think you are, very simply: Don’t. Do. That

• A mad shout out goes to the girl that put her game-playing experience w/ FARMVILLE as her ENTIRE resume…"Game Tester” was her objective- but why oh WHY did she think I would be able to land her a job with the Farmville peeps?  No darling, I do not have the ability to help you with your frustrations with fertilizing, gaining fuel for farm vehicles or gift acceptance!!!

• Today’s version of Stephanie’s resume roasts goes to the guy that put this in his cover note: “I feel I would defiantly excel in an opportunity like this.” Defiantly? I’m not sure how I feel about this…

• And Stephanie’s Resume Roasts of the day goes to the guy that put THIS as his objective: I would like to obtain a career, leading a team of astrophysicists towards new discoveries. Really? Seriously? Then WHY oh WHY did you contact me at an insurance company?Gah.

• My roast for today isn't really a roast at all... this one goes to a guy that was actually clever. His first name is Rich and his email address starts with "GetRichQuick..." Bravo!

• And today's version of Stephanie's Resume Roasts goes to the chick that put this as her objective: "I would like to work in an environment that fits my creative, dark, quirky, imaginative personality." What I want to know is.. just how "dark" are we talking here? Should I be scared?

• Here’s a handy-dandy job searching fact: when submitting your resume, create an email address that’s *somewhat professional*. I’m sure I speak for most of the HR people of the world at how appalled we all are on a daily basis at your lack of self-awareness. And yes, I’m talking to YOU Miss_Diva_Licious and PrettyTits220. 

• So this week's version of Stephanie's Resume Roasts goes to the moron who has the email address that reads: ilovepeewee69@... ummmm EWWWWW. What is WRONG with people?!?

• Today's mad shout out goes to the guy with the email “cuzIrock5050”…what does that mean? Are you only cool half the time? Or are you sporting a haircut that’s all business in the front with a mullet in the back? Please, enlighten us oh wise one. 

Okay, that's it! You're all caught up now. Stay tuned for more insanity and thanks for stopping by!