This One's Gold Baby!

Aha! I've struck it rich with one resume in particular today, giving me enough resume bitching blog fodder for an entire week. All on two pieces of paper. From one poor, misguided soul that should have consulted someone, anyone, for a little help before he sent it out to the universe.

Hmmm let's see. Where shall I start with this one?
So many choices, so many choices.

First off, his name is not on the resume. Or his phone number. Or what city he hails from. Or even the state.
All I've got to go on is his email address. Which fortunately has a possible first name of Ruben in it. But that's a crap shoot because some people put their nickety-names in their email addresses, so how do I know? Am I expected to call the guy and say "Hello. Is this ruben2281?" I mean, how can I keep a straight face when calling somebody and giving them a salutation that includes their email address? I might as well be saying "I'm looking for inmate number 30-05-1X, is that you?" It's just as ludicrous.

I don't think I'll need to worry my pretty little head about it too much however, as when I start to glance down the page and see his various places of employment listed (which mind you he had the brains to include THEIR phone numbers, names, addresses etc. just not HIS) I'm shocked at the things he's listed. The spelling errors are so head scratching, I can't help but giggle. The following are direct lines from his resume:

"Working petrol in riverpark aera" Wha? Is he working with British gasoline or patrolling something in a specific area?

"Implemint the company's emergeny preparedness." Maybe he was the mint distributor at an emergency preparedness meeting?

"Plan an environmental disastur." Whoa. Wait just a cotton pickin' minute now. Are you planning to harm us all? With something more than your slaughter of the English language? Should I be concerned?

"Control behavior during the operation using handcuffs and other restraints." Okay, now we're just gettin' weird here. And just for the record? This particular skill is not very useful for the insurance industry.

"Using appropirate grammer." Oh, don't even get me started on this sentence. Which technically isn't even a sentence. And pirates generally have better "grammer" than you. Arrrrrrrrrrrrr.

"Maintaining sighing employees." Wait, I don't quite understand. Do you specifically look for a company to maintain sighing employees? Or do you hold employees hostage if they sigh? Well shit, if it's the latter, the way I carry on at work, you'd lock me up within 7 minutes flat.

"Reduce the opporunity." Reduce the opportunity? Is that what you meant? And reduce what kind of opportunity? The opportunity for you to get a job because a potential employer can't understand what the heck you're saying?

But the above was nothing compared to what was at the bottom of his resume.

There he listed his "Skills."

In this exact order:

Cultur Awareness (Okay that one I sort of understand)
Sexual Harrassment (Uh oh- now we're careening into dangerous territory. This is a skill?)
Officer Stress (I imagine there would be after that last entry you just listed)
Communicabel Diseases (I saw this last one coming, it naturally follows all of the above)

Sigh.

I wish someone had just helped the poor boy with his resume in the first place. Unfortunately I'm not stepping up. After reading through all that, I just don't have the energy.