Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Me, myself and I... we haz a resume

Every now and then I get some overindulgent, confused, hopped-up-on-the-use-of-adjectives job seeker.

Okay, more than every now and then.

More like every 5 resumes.

They usually crack me up, but if I catch myself reading them out loud over and over again, I know they're *special* and need to be made into blog material.

Yesterday was an exceptional day for this kind of activity.

"Michael" rose to the surface, so ding ding ding! He's the lucky winner of today's blog posting.

I don't remember what Michael did career wise. I don't even care really, as all I was interested in was his schizophrenic description of himself and his personality while at work.
And at home.
And in the gym.

For reals.

Think I'm joking?


If only.

Read on.

"Thank you for taking some of your time to indulge yourself in my resume. To briefly describe myself, I am a diligent, capricious worker who constantly strives to better me, myself and I. I am not shy, nor ill-tempered, but friendly and outgoing at work. At home I am aggressive and self-driven, yet gentle as a summer's breeze on a summer's eve. When competing in the gym, I'm a desultory hard worker and a quick learner. I believe you can call me a people person. My current position has awarded me many friends. They have all called me "memorable". I am how shall I say... an EXPERT. In the competitive field of which I myself is in, I have the ability to adapt to new environments and grasp the different structures going on all around me. My BENIGN personality facilitates calm and productive coworkers while maintaining a professional aura that is fright worthy for the customers. I love to be a useful asset, especially at home. And the gym. I believe I am sufficiently qualified to be part of your environment."

I seriously don't know what to pick on first. I'm totally drunk with snark to the point where I'm actually GIGGLING as I type this.

Capricious? Desultory?
For those of you out there that don't use these words in your every day vocabulary, let me fill you in: he's basically saying he's unpredictable, random, erratic, haphazard, fickle etc. He's a loaded gun, ready to go off  at any moment. (And let's not forget memorable...) Perhaps what I find the most fascinating is that depending on the locale (which quite frankly, more job seekers should talk about how they behave in the gym, that's really most helpful to recruiters and hiring managers) his personality is either BENIGN (in all caps no less) or a summer's breeze on a summer's eve.

Who says this shit?
Some guy that's been watching too many disposable douche commercials, that's who.

And now, because I am here to edumakate you folk, I introduce to you a Summer's Eve commercial that was yanked because it was too controversial. I can't believe I found it, but I imagine this is what Michael has been obsessively watching. (Apparently there's a whole series of them that got yanked. Nobody has a sense of humor anymore, I swear...)


I could go on, but really, who can top a talking Vagina?

I'll just end this here and say please, Michael, I beg of you, yourself and you... step away from the adjectives.

And forget you ever contacted me. You are not ALLOWED to get anywhere NEAR my environment, you professional-EXPERT-with-a-fright-worthy-aura, you.

Best of luck to you though with your job search!


  1. I love that a key selling point is that he'll frighten your customers. F-brilliant.

    Desultory? Really? He looked that up and used it to describe his selves? Favorably?


    Lacking a plan, purpose, or enthusiasm.
    (of conversation or speech) Going from one subject to another in a halfhearted way; unfocused: "desultory conversation".

    You should save all of these and deliver them to a competitor's HR department.

  2. @Sketchbox- why didn't I think of that? Brilliant! And yes, desultory. WTF? My high school senior English teacher would be proud. In a mortified kind of way.

  3. Thank you for posting that. It is by far the funniest thing I have read today!

  4. I used to just throw applications away that had the word dynamic in it. I'll have to start reading your blog. I'm preparing to go back into the workforce.
    You've got a Dilbert thing going here.