Oh crap... it's Monday. You know what that means right? Time for a Meanie!

Today's post comes from a teacher... an "uplifter of children" or so she called herself on her resume description.
Of course it does.

"Ramona" sent me her resume with an email attached saying she's interested in starting a career in a different field as she's been teaching all her life (albeit a short life) and can't seem to get hired in her chosen field of work right now.

Now just for the record- I am completely cool with people trying to break into a different line of work, not only because my company is accomodating enough to offer training from scratch for a decent amount of the insurance-related positions we offer, but because in this economy? It's a total issue. I talk to people every day that have been in the same industry for decades, and now? They're royally screwed. They've been laid off after 20-30 years because their industry is suffering and possibly even becoming extinct. So not only are we willing to entertain the idea of interviewing and spending some of our valuable time with these folks, we are also incredibly accomodating in helping them set up a new career for themselves. Not every company will do that.

Now.
Onto Ramona's resume.

I immediately picked up on several incongruency issues...like the fact that she had 3 different addresses listed and several different full time positions that she was "presently" working, as well as the fact that she was claiming to be going to school at the same time.

In a different country.

If I were to believe what she'd actually listed on her resume, she was currently physically working two full time jobs and going to school full time in: Studio City, CA, Brockton, MA and East Anglia, England.

Like wow.
That's really something, isn't it?

So of course, you know me...I had to be a brat and point it out in a purely inquisitive manner.
Although it probably would have been a *tad bit* fun to call her up and start firing a string of questions at her, I didn't really feel like talking to her on the phone at that point in time as I was personally behind and had a heck of a pile on my desk to wade through. Plus I figured if I emailed her, it would allow her to take a moment to actually pull her resume out and look it over to see that yes, in fact, I was right. She's geographically off her nut. Or it would be an opportunity for her to confess that yes, she's figured out that Parallel Universes do actually exist... and she's been aware of this since 2002, when her multiple places at one point in time circumstances start to come to light on her resume.

So here's what I emailed her word for word:

"Hi Rachel,

Thanks for your email and resume copy. I just read it over and had a couple of questions for you- your resume and your profile on Monster.com indicate that you are currently in Studio City but it also says that you are currently teaching in Brockton, MA, as well as studying abroad in East Anglia. Obviously this is physically impossible, so I'm just wondering where you are currently located and if you are presently working and/or studying. If you could let me know that information, I would greatly appreciate it.

Best regards,

Stephanie __________ "

I moved on to my pile right after I launched that email and kind of forgot all about it. Figuring it would be somewhat entertaining when I did get a reply back from her (if at all), I had no idea what was in store for me. Three hours later, THIS arrived in my inbox:

"Dear Stephanie,

Thank you for reading my resume over and for considering my email. First of all, of COURSE I am not located in 3 different places at once. Give me a break. That's just absolutely ridiculous. Second, why in the world would I be emailing you if I were in either Massachusetts or England of all places?? Do you think I'm that stupid that I would be contacting you if I weren't in fact in California already? I can't believe you even asked me those questions. I don't think I can work with somebody that feels the need to point out such stupid things. Please disregard the fact that I even emailed you in the first place. I'll just continue with my job search with reasonable people.

ramona h."

Ummmmm. Really? (Boy I sure say that a lot, don't I?)

Oh man, where do I begin?
Now you guys know what's coming next right? Of course you do, I've trained all of you well... here's the email I WANTED to send but didn't because of the fact that I don't want to get fired. Or stalked.

"Dear Ramona,
Thanks so much for your response. I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to set me straight and point out how dumb it was of me to suggest that you would email me from a different country and/or state. Now that I think about it, I should probably email back the other two people that politely contacted me today from Guatemala and Las Vegas, both wanting Skype interviews. I should tell them how absolutely RIDICULOUS it is of them to even consider contacting me. The nerve of them.
Seeing as how it's fairly obvious that you are too embarrassed to admit you made a mistake both on your resume AND on your profile on Monster.com, I think I will take a moment to point out some OTHER flaws I found. You claimed to have graduated from your English University with "magna cum laude" attachments to your GPA, which you also listed as a 3.44. Hmmm last time I checked magna cum laude typically ranges from 3.65 to 3.79. Perhaps you need to go back to school to learn this little diddy. Oh WAIT. According to your resume you still ARE in school, silly me. I forgot.
Also- you put that you "helped develop curriculumm units". Do I need to highlight this spelling error? You're an English teacher, or so you claim to be. If you somehow got through college without knowing how to actually spell, you should at least have the brains to click "spell check" when working on a document. And furthermore, might I suggest that you actually CAPITALIZE THE FIRST LETTERS OF YOUR FIRST AND LAST NAMES on all your documentation? Perhaps it's never occurred to you that you aren't getting hired because of your resume. (Or it could really possibly be your shitty attitude, I'm not all that sure in your case.) Not only do you prove to be "geographically challenged", but anyone viewing your resume would naturally question the validity of ALL your claims. Moron.
Best of luck to you finding a place where you can continue to be an "uplifter of children" (uplifter isn't a real word by the way- I feel I must also point this out.) I shudder to think of the poor children in your care.
Best!
Stephanie"

Grumble grumble delete.

Apparently I need to talk about religion today

Religion.

Not a topic I usually cover on my blog, but I'm noticing a trend so of course, you know me, I have to blab about it.

An unusual amount of people are increasingly bringing God/Buddha/Satan/Flying Spaghetti Monsters into their resumes and cover notes. I'm betting it's because times are tough; as usual in the history of mankind, when things get rougher, people hit bottom and start feeling as if they need to look towards something "other" than themselves for a little help- possibly for the first time ever.

I don't CARE what religion you are (if any); I'm not here to pick on and/or debate all the different possibilities and their viability. What I DO care about is that you DON'T BRING IT UP on any of your job seeking material. Now this of course applies to every job on the planet EXCEPT a religious one. If you are literally seeking a position in a church or a synagogue or a temple etc, then by all means, have at it.
But I'm not talking about that here, I'm talking about your basic run of the mill civilian job.

Here are two examples as of late I can share to highlight the ridiculousness of doing this:

"Edward" put this at the top of his resume:

"Profile: I am thirty years old. I am a biology major with a loving desire in pursuing God as a good Christian servant."

Now.
There's 3 items there that slapped me upside the head.

First- I don't need his age listed. Don't put your damn age anywhere on your resume or your information, period. If we want to know how old you are we can guesstimate it from the school years you have listed.

Second- You're a biology major and you are sending your resume to an insurance recruiter. What do you expect me to do with you? If you want to start a new career in insurance, don't point out that you're a biology major, I can already see that listed under your school info. PLUS- if you come from a different background than the job you are trying to apply for, send a separate email or cover note to the HR person saying exactly that- that you are trying to break into a new field and would appreciate their consideration.

Third- So you have a loving desire in pursuing God. Okay, I'm happy for you. But it's so FREAKIN INAPPROPRIATE to be putting that on your resume, it's not even CLOSE to being okay.

Those 3 facts right there made me want to shred his resume in a heartbeat.

Here's another example- you've got some email signature set up for all your personal friends to see when you send them a message. It's got some lovely religious saying that you feel everyone needs to see. Not only that but you've got some active religious icon doing something animatedly religious next to the saying.
Change your outgoing email signature (actually just completely eliminate it) for HR people.
I don't need to see this along with "Shower of Blessings!" after I've read why you want the job:

It's INAPPROPRIATE PEOPLE!!
Am I clear here?

Just knock it off already.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I need to go use this:

For reals?

Yesterday I got an email by itself with no resume attached.

Now, as I've mentioned before in previous blog postings, if I get an email by itself with no resume attached, that usually means it's gonna be a meanie. They naturally have no need to attach their resume for my "viewing pleasure" because the meanies don't want a job, they just want to rip me a new one.

So I was hesitant to open up this email, but once I did I couldn't stop laughing like an out of control hyena at her desk. 

Here is the actual email, word for word, as well as original spacing.

(I swear, I can't make this shit up...)

"hello i     want   to know    what  kind of    do you   have  i workd  casher,     seller,  costomer   cervise. if you have opning what posishone is it"

and that was it. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

DUDE!

that somebody's going to eventually hire your sorry ass.

Cuz it ain't gonna be me!

DELETE!!

Yeah, so I'm totally off topic today, but who cares! You know you want to read anyway!

Alright.
I know this has NOTHING to do with resumes but this particular topic has been going on for so long in my immediate realm that I fear if I don't discuss it here I might implode.

And nobody wants that.

So today I'm gonna yakk about something only currently familiar with fellow Simi Valley residents- but I'd like all my other peeps to read through this and chime in on it too as I want your opinion.

There's this certain chihuahua named "Minnie" that's been lost and supposedly running around loose in Simi Valley since October 9th, 2011. According to my poor math skills, she's been missing for 93 days as of this moment.

How do I know this?

Because I (and every other Simi Valley resident who hasn't been hiding under a rock or agoraphobic) have been made aware of Missing Minnie due to the incredible amount of "press" Minnie has been receiving.
Her sweet little cuddly mug shot has been plastered all over every vertical (and possibly horizontal) surface in Simi by her previous owners, 2 married internal medicine doctors that have a practice in Agoura Hills and live near the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi. These two (obviously incredibly wealthy) doctors have gone above and beyond what any "normal" distressed family of a missing doggy would do as they've not only put up signs on every surface in the city, but they are paying people to stand on corners of busy Simi Valley intersections for HOURS every day...I'm talking from dusk till dawn.

Don't believe me?

Here's proof from pictures I've taken while out and about:

I know it's hard to see but the sign the guy is holding says "Minnie Lost- $5,000 Reward for her safe return. No questions asked" or something like that.

Here's another shot from a different corner in town:

And here's a close up shot of her that I pulled from the 2 newspaper articles that have been written about her disappearance:

Awwwww. Minnie's cute, no?
Of course she is.

I'm a dog/cat/bird/guinea pig/animal loving human being. I have a history of rescuing sweet babies and either adopt them into our family (if feasible) or try to find them a good home. I'm telling you this just so we're completely clear here that I'm not an animal hater.

But this has been going on since OCTOFUCKINGTOBER NINTH.
GET OVER IT ALREADY.

I was so irritated with the whole fiasco by about the beginning of December that I actually googled it all, trying to find out what's so special about her that her owners so desperately needed her back. Nothing in particular, she just happened to WANDER ONTO THEIR PROPERTY in the first place and they adopted her.
Then she WANDERED OFF THEIR PROPERTY later.
That's it.
She's a freakin' wanderer.
There's your first clue people.

According to one of the newspaper articles I read, they've spent the money to print out 300-400 signs to place on the windshields of cars and to stick on light poles all over town. (I'm sure the quantity has gone up much higher than those numbers since the article was originally written.) Let me just say on a personal note- I ran a print shop, I KNOW how much it costs to have full color fliers printed up.
It ain't cheap.
They've also made magnetic signs to go on cars all over town and reportedly hired a special search dog from OREGON and had him and his owner shipped in to try and sniff her down.
And then let's not forget how much money it's costing them to employ those sign holders EVERY DAY.

So how much money are we talking here that's gone into retrieving this dog?
THOUSANDS TENS OF THOUSANDS of dollars have gone into this massive effort.
Do you know how many: children could have been fed/homeless could have been sheltered/the military and their families could have been uplifted/fill in your favorite charity here __________ could have been helped- with that kind of scratch??

This angers me.

Does anybody else out there find this peculiar that they've been carrying on so long about her?
Or is it just me?

I don't think it's just me because I've actually overheard FIVE different conversations of random strangers all over town, bitching about this daily assault on our eyeballs intended to jerk our heart strings until we finally produce said 2.5 lbs of fur ball love. People are talking about it in gas stations, the post office, beauty salons, the grocery store...and what have I overheard them saying?
The same thoughts I've had: GET OVER IT ALREADY.
Just accept that Minnie was possibly a Coyote Snick-Snack and SHUT THE HELL UP.

The citizens of Simi Valley truly feel BAD for you two doctors and your missing darling, but

 DEAR. GAWD. STOP.

Perhaps we should launch a counter attack?
I think we should make up signs and stand on the corners next to the Missing Minnie sign twirlers that say "STOP TELLING US ABOUT MINNIE ALREADY- WE GET IT"

Is anybody with me on this?
Or am I just being a cold-hearted raging bitch?
I would love your thoughts.
(Even if you tell me I'm a cold-hearted bitch. I'm a big girl, I can take it ;0)

Okay, let's get back to the funny, people

So last week I had an incredible surprise that just tickled me beyond belief... the lovely Ms. Karyn Bosnak privately tweeted me and told me that she was crackin' up over my blog. And to quote her directly, she said this to me as well:
"I'm reading your blog right now. I'm worried about our country!"
Then she amended it on another tweet a minute later to say this:
"I meant:
I'm reeding you're blog write now. I'm worried about are cuntry!"

Ahahahahaha!!
I love me a girl with some humor in her.

The following day I thanked her for reading my blog, what an honor it is etc. (As it is, it really really is!)

Then she told me I should write a book.

A famous author and screenwriter.

Told ME I should write a book.

I swear I almost passed out on my desk, right on top of all those crappy resumes I was sifting through.

So Ms. Karyn Bosnak- I totally heart you.
Not just because you're awesome to begin with and your books are rockin' and you had a movie made out of one of them (What's Your Number? which comes out TODAY on DVD by the way!!) but because you took the time to tell some minor league, snarky blogger that she's not doin' half bad.
Thank you. From the bottom of my little ol' blogging heart.

Now on to the funny resume of the day!

I got a resume from a gal named "Gayle" last week.
The resume itself was surprisingly drab compared to her cover note to me.
I say surprisingly because THIS is what she wrote:

"Hi Stephanie, I would like an opportunity to talk with you. I have whored in outside sales for many years but have always been paid either hourly or by the job. If this is something you can set up, please contact me."

Uhhhhhhh, say what?
Did she just ask me to do what I think she asked me to do?

Her resume was vague, only said "sales" for a long stretch of years for a company that I tried to Google and couldn't even find.
The whole thing wasn't exactly "confidence inducing" and considering the conservative company I work for?
I didn't have the balls to pick up the phone and call her.

I just don't think the world's ready to be sold insurance like that.

Meanie Mondays are back baby!!

Okay, so I tried to keep away from the Meanie Weenie crap over the holiday break...given that we're supposed to be *joyous* and *happy* and all that shit.

But in the meantime, I've had a few Meanie Weenie doozies come my way that I've been stockpiling like a squirrel hoarding it's nuts for the winter.

Today's installation of Meanie Mondays comes to us from a LOVELY LADY I'll just call "Jean".

I found Jean on a large and popular job board. She had posted herself up for the entire employer-related universe to see, I'm assuming hoping that some phone calls would roll in.

FYI:Jean's background was dominantly in 2 things:

  graphic design and sales.

Now this is going to sound lame, but quite frankly, I get excited when I see a combination of a sales background and the graphic design and/or printing world because that's what I did for 20 years of my life...

I grew up a print shop brat.

 I grew up with printer's ink in my blood...probably because of all the paper cuts I used to get.

 I KNOW how to talk to these people.

 I can instantly have a good connection with them on the phone because I start throwing the lingo around and talk about how tragic it is that the industry has died off as much as it has with the bad economy, and that's why I'm in insurance now etc etc.  

Of course I feel the need to point out to all my fabulous and faithful blog readers here that I currently have no use for the graphic design portion of her work history, but I'm always on the hunt for strong sales people...which she had indicated she was on the earlier portion of her resume. 

My logic was this: she's got to be struggling with the graphic design portion of her life and probably doesn't have enough work to sustain her anymore, thus the reason she put herself on a job board in the first place, right? Maybe she'd entertain the idea of getting back into sales so she could pay her bills.

 What harm could it do to have a conversation with her and see where she's at with things and possibly offer her an interview? 

What the hell, I'll give her a jingle.

I called- it went straight to a message that said "The person you are trying to reach isn't accepting phone calls at this moment" or some such nonsense like that, and then it just hung up on me. It didn't give me the option of leaving her a message.

So I emailed her instead.

I said all the things I normally do in an email to a job seeker... like who I was, what company I worked for, that I found her on XYZ job board and was interested in speaking with her about a possible position etc.

Two days later she blasted me back with this crap:

"I canNOT believe that you sent an email like this to someone with a 24 year SKILLED CAREER that has nothing WHATSOEVER to do with insurance. How DARE you. I will be sure to never use your company's insurance services as a result of this ridiculous email. Take me off your contact list immediately, BITCH."

Ummmm, excuse me?

I sat there stunned. 

And as a personal observation about myself, I don't know WHY I still get shocked when I read stuff like this as I'm coming up on 4 years of being exposed to it. You'd think I'd just be used to it by now. And in an attempt to be all "PollyAnnaPositive" about this junk, I should be grateful that at least it's coming to me via email and they aren't yelling at me over the phone about it like some of our disgruntled and insane customers do to my poor unflappable, imperturbable, persistently calm co-worker Tammy. Tammy's got nerves of steel; it takes a LOT to get her all worked up.

I guess I'm more "excitable" as these emails?

They still get to me.

The clip art version of us would go like this:

This is Tammy:

And this is me:

So after being land blasted by Jean's email, I took a moment to pull up the job board I found her on, as well as my company's DNC (Do Not Contact) list. As I was reading her resume over one more time to make sure there weren't any more surprise email addresses hiding somewhere that I should be adding to the DNC list, I noticed something at the very bottom that I must have overlooked before I called her.

She's the President, Founder and Director of a volunteer, non-profit pet rescue organization in Southern California. 

This made me sad. 

To think that somebody I would have normally immensely admired for doing such heroic work would treat ME, a human being like that? Perhaps she's not a people person and only a pet person? I've met those, it's highly possible. But still...

So as I was adding her to my lists online ensuring she won't be contacted like EVER again by ANYBODY from my company, I really started thinking how incredibly stupid that was of her to lash out at me like that. If she hadn't typed those 4 measly sentences to me, I could have been a vehicle to help her out in more than one way for sure.

So because I've created this space in the universe in which I'm allowed to voice my opinion (aka my blog) here's what I WANTED to email back, but didn't of course as I'd like to keep my job:

"Ummmm- look here BITCH.

There is no need to jump to conclusions and treat a friendly stranger whom is merely trying to help you become gainfully employed in such a ferociously unprofessional manner. In case it didn't occur to you (which it obviously didn't because your incredible hate is dominating your mind) I was contacting you because you mentioned you had a "strong sales ability" on your lovely resume, NOT because you have an incredible background in insurance. Should you have had the presence of mind to actually HAVE a decent and kind conversation with me, not only could you have politely told me you no longer have an interest in going back into sales, but guess what else could have been discussed? The fact that I could have put you in touch with some viable printing and graphic design houses all over Southern California. 

How would an insurance recruiter be able to do that you ask? Because I used to co-own a print shop down here, that's how. 

So not only do I know who's still alive and kicking, you would have totally had an inside track and a personal referral that would have helped you continue with the "24 year SKILLED CAREER that has nothing WHATSOEVER to do with insurance."

And just for the record, I ALSO could have used my semi-popular blog to drive some very interested pet lovers to your door step, thus rescuing the pets you say you save from neglect and abandonment. 

But NO, you had to lash out at me and type those 4 venom-filled sentences instead.

So all I have to say to you is this:

YOU'RE FUCKING STUPID.

Good luck to you BITCH."

Whew.

I feel much better now that I just wrote all that out.

Thanks for listening my faithful friends.

It's the Little Things

So I know I've brought this topic up before, but I just got another round of ridiculousness that sparked my memory and prompted me to mention this again.

When you NAME your resume (when you are saving it as a Word doc or an Adobe PDF or whatever) employers can SEE what you've named your resume.

So things like "Sarasresume" or "Managementres" are fine.

Names like "This'llfoolem" or "willtheybuyit" are not.

I was particularly saddened last week by a "less brazen" one I stumbled upon and opened up.

Miss Kelli had named hers "Resume notprof".

No, she's not trying to disguise the fact that she's a professor.

What she's doing is giving me the "not professional" one.

Really?

I mean seriously?

Come on.

That makes me sit and wonder how much better the professional one might have been.
What am I missing out on? Why wasn't I worthy enough to have gotten the professional one?

And now?

I'm just sad.
So sad.

Sniffle sniffle.