Thursday, December 15, 2011

Toot toot! All aboarddddddddddddd!!!

I got a gem here, a real *special* email sent specifically to me, making me the Luckiest. Recipient. Ever.
Just for a quick clarification--- there was no resume attached to this. Just this email, directly sent to me.
Like I said, I'm lucky.
Lucky like this guy kinda lucky:

So with that being said, let's just dive in, shall we?
I suppose some confused soul thought they'd spend some time composing a very meaningless essay about who they think they are and, of course, why they think they were especially deserving to be offered a job. What follows is anything but convincing material for such a situation.

"Hello Stephanie,
I am very open-minded as well as office agent for ______________ Insurance Company. I would desire myself a job opening because I have good strengths making both parts as a worker. I am most like hood to give out my hard work to make this company go efficiently."

Hmmm. So I'm intrigued. How about you? Ready for some more?
Me too!
Let's keep reading...

"If I was a business owner, I will make sure each employee that I have assignment to do for certain day or on that day get the job done. I give my best to deliver while make sure if the people who invest the company is on track."

Speaking of tracks... TOOT TOOT!!
Destination CRAZY TOWN!!

"If I was an office agent, I can handle and organize the paperwork, type or edit the paperwork that has been mistaken. I can elaborate that things to my colleagues when I have nothing to do, I will find something to keep me productive. I will have sell the insurance information and get the customer's happiness to get insurance."

Do you want off the train yet?
Nah, me neither.
Let's keep going...

"Overall, I am self-started, customer-oriented, and conscientiousness type person who can multitask any assignments while a customer or employee is struggling to find something. I have to make sure the people who invest the company is on track."

I think this lovely person said that already?
Am I wrong?
I swear they did because of the word track...which triggered my pea brain to jump on the train... but this dissertation is so jumbled up, what do I know?
I could be mistaken.
I could, after all, just be fearing for my life and wondering how the hell I'm going to get off this train...
But like every good train wreck observer, I simply can't look away.

So let's just keep reading, shall we?

"I am willing to take risks, I can multitask. I'm telling you, I can multitask."

Okay, okay, I believe you.
(Not really, but shhh, don't tell.)

"I hope this will answer your questions."

Did I have any questions? I don't really think I had any questions to begin with as I've never heard from this person before- there was no previous interaction going on.
I don't even have a resume to know what the HELL kind of background this person comes from.
Not that it matters, really.
Does it?
Nah, I didn't think so...
But let's keep going like good little train passengers, what the hell...

"I would get involved and do anything it takes to make the company grow."

Employees willing to do anything to make the company grow are hard to come by these days.
The way this person carries on, however, I  don't think I'd want to find out what their idea of "anything" is though.

"In conclusion, I can make good work relationships with my customers great environment. If you have any more questions, please do not hesitate to ask me more!! Because, I can make you like me. I CAN make you like me and the company grow in customers environment!"

Okay, getting scared.
I want off the train now.

Oh wait, unbelievably, there's more.

"I think you call me. I would get involved and you call me. Much placed regards."

Does this person think that saying "I think you call me. I would get involved and you call me" will be some kind of forceful subliminal message that will make me suddenly feel the urge to call them?
Yeah, nice try.
Not gonna work.

But phew.
It's over.
We lived through the train ride ladies and gentlemen.

I do feel the need to point out the time stamp in case some of you were wondering. It was 11:35 am.
(This will only be important and/or comprehensible if you've read my previous post entitled "Wheeeeeeeeee" that you can find here:

So while I have no idea what this person really said and I can only remember tracks, making people do things, and getting the customer's happiness, I'm still stumped.
I have no idea what vernacular one would classify this as?

Oh screw vernacular, I know these words were in English, but what the hell language was this in?
I did notice the use of the comma placement was incredibly on point, is this even possible? I've never seen such brilliant use of comma placement in such a mess of a word collaboration/email message.

I think there is clearly only one obvious explanation.

This person has got to be from another country.

English is not the first language, that's for sure.

They do speak Comma though.

How about this-
Comma is their first language
 __________ is their second language
and English is their third?

Anyway, the only way I can politely sum up this situation is with this picture:

English, I told you to learn it.

I'm betting this poor, lost soul is brushing his teeth with Preparation H.

1 comment:

  1. The conductor of the crazy train is on the loose again, spreading "happiness".