Thursday, February 9, 2012

Ahhhh nurses.

One of my favorite topics.
If you are unfamiliar with my slant on nurses, perhaps you should read this. But just so we're clear on the fairness front (and just so I say it) my brother-in-law's mommy is a nurse up in Reno and I adore her. (Yo Jocelyn!) 

Let me also just preface this with the fact that I've been in the hospital a lot. At least more than the average person at my ripe young age of thiry *something*. I've been through a lot of surgeries and then emergency visits after surgeries. And not just your pansy-ass, run of the mill kinds of surgeries either. The kind involving removing body parts and replacing them with titanium. And then *launching blood clots in a lung lobe afterwards* kind of lengthy visits to the ICU as well. 

I'm telling you that to let you know that I've been around a lot of freakin' nurses. (So I kind of know what the freakin' HELL I'm talking about.) And the best ones are ROCKIN. They make such an impact on you that you will nevah EVAH forget them and you are grateful for the fact that they were on your floor for their shift. Like this awesome gay guy I got that was more tender hearted and concerned for me than possibly my own mother or husband or child (probably not true, but just trying to make a point here...) I thought he was so awesome that I actually picked up on a personality trait of his that cracks my husband up to this day -my penchant for calling people "love" when speaking to someone I'm fond of. I guess it's true that in times of crisis, you absorb things that impress you. And carry them with you forever. 

Okay, getting too sappy here... sorry.

On the flip side of the coin, we have the shitty or just the bat-shit-crazy nurses. And from how much time I've spent in hospitals, I can definitely say, without a smidge of doubt, 80% of nurses are in the WRONG FUCKING LINE OF WORK. I used to clean houses so if I was struggling with the personality of the homeowner while doing a walk through and attempting to give them a quote, I'd ask them what they did for a living. A lot of them were nurses, and because of that, I would take very few of them on for clients. Why you ask? Because they're fucking rude, or crazy, or crazy combined with bossy, but basically think that they're right all the time. I don't know WHAT it is that they are taught in nursing school, but fortunately 20% of them didn't absorb all the particulars of HOW TO BE NASTY AND BAT SHITTY Class 101. 

Now, onto the resume and email of the day.

The chick was a nurse.
We'll just call her "Bethany".
Who gives a crap about her resume, it was full of all the typical unit nurse, "I know how to keep somebody from dying and I'm superior at it" kind of BS that now, after all my life experience, makes my eyes cross and my brain say "Yeah, you're wonderful, whatevah". Let's just get to the email that was sent with it, directly to me, shall we?

I thank you for considering me for your position!"
(For the record, Bethany was responding to an ad I'd placed, the one where I was NOT asking for nurses, but instead looking for people that were already licensed with the State of California Dept of Insurance- just so we're crystal clear here...and also? A good start! Friendly! With lots of enthusiastic exclamation points to boot!!)

Let's continue on:
"I enjoy being a nurse because it is a very rewarding proffession. _____________ Insurance is a brand name in the insurance field and it brings peace and comfort to those who need it. As a nurse I provide peace and comfort to those who need it at a time of great need with a dash of love and a blip of decorum." (A blip of decorum? I've never seen these words combined in a sentence in my entire life. Who has a fucking blip of decorum?? LMAO)
"The Health Field" (notice the caps WTF? does that make it more important?) "is where I belong though I was the DEATH INSURANCE salesman at a holloween" (HOLLOWEEN? Who the fuck doesn't know how to spell Halloween? FIVE year olds even know how to spell Halloween...) "costume party once. Probably the best costume I ever decided to wear. I invested a lot in wearing that costume and made huge sacrifices to earn the right to wear that costume" (how does one make a huge sacrifice to earn the right to wear a costume??? Would somebody please explain this to me? No, never mind. Don't.) "and I also made huge sacrifices to earn the right to pass a state exam to be allowed to provide peace and comfrot." (Comfrot? And you made huge sacrifices to earn the right to pass the exam? I'm so fucking lost, it's not even funny....)
"Nursing is my religion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(I actually counted the exclamation points- this is a completely accurate numerical representation of the amount of exclamation points used in this proclamation of sanity.)
"GOOD LUCK in finding the right person for your position."
(Wait just a cotton pickin' minute. Didn't you apply to MY job position that YOU randomly found posted on a big job board? Let me check here...why yes! Yes, you did Bethany! You freakin' nut job....)

"I will take this all in to consideration should I ever decide to jump ship and put on my Death Insurance salesman costume to try my luck in the insurance field. Thank you!!!!!"

Oh my GAWD. 
Dear Bethany.
Please don't ever jump ship and put that damn costume on again, for all our sakes. And never forget, you're liked, but you're not well liked, you *crazy as bat shit nurse I hope I never have the unfortunate luck of being a victim to*. Although, it would make for good blog fodder, should I ever end up in the hospital again.

PS 10 Brownie points for those of you that caught the Death of a Salesman quote. Bravo. 

And for those of you that think I'm being too hard on nurses? 
I have this to say to you:


  1. Wow. A blip of decorum?? I think you have officially stolen my trophy for strangest words (or non-words) stuck together in a letter/email. You had a nice run, "irregarldess thereto," but we have a new champion!

  2. That totally gives me an idea...I need to do a post on strangest words stuck together. Let me get on that! ;0)