Monday, February 20, 2012

I'm back! I'm back! Not dead! Not dead!

Wow- sorry for the massive delay in getting more resume stupidity out to you.
Things over here? They are a shakin' man.
Lots a crap going perhaps in an effort to explain my disappearance, let's just start with the personal stuff and get that out of the way, shall we? (It's slightly interesting, I swear. So just hang tight and then we'll get to the resume stuff!)

My husband, in-laws and I had a family property on the market for a very short amount of time- (like 8-10 days?) and it is now officially in escrow. Woo-hoo! It's a cutie-patootie house that my husband and I renovated back in 2010, so quite frankly, I'm not surprised it went so fast.
Cuz we be bad ass house flippers...

Don't believe me?'s some before and after pics:

Inside of kitchen before:

Empty spot is where fridge went...that silver thing across from the FIVE layers of hideous wallpaper was the original oven from 1947... it was so small I have NO idea how anybody got an actual turkey in there for Thanksgiving festivities...

Removing icky kitchen cabinets is alarming oh daughter o' mine... why I don't blame you at all for the look on your face while Daddy rips them down...

So those were 2 before shots of the kitchen, here's some after shots:

And just in case you are wondering if I actually had a part in helping with all this garbage, you bet your sweet bippy I did. Ize one hard worker bee-- here's me in all my grout sealing glory:

Now for some outside shots:

(Blarfie - can you say Pepto Bismol?)

And after! Voila!

Another one, closer shot of the front door:

So now that you can see we sort of know how to renovate a house, I'm happy to report that this cute little property selling triggers an avalanche of good things- one of which is the fact that we'll finally be able to get out of our lovely rental and purchase a home in the city where we both work and the kidlet goes to school. Yay!
But wait, no, this turns into a slight BOO!! only because our property management company is, ummm, how shall I say this?

Money hungry.

Backstory first:

My handsome husband, daughter and I live together in a large home with my sis and bro-in-law and have for just a bit over a year. We originally ended up living in this unique situation because our prior residence (also a rental) evolved into a problematic situation.

In a nutshell, a schizophrenic ex-felon moved in across the street from hubby, darling daughter and I, and started off his debut with our neighborhood with terribly erratic behavior, including:

1. Pacing in circles around the household vehicles parked on his driveway while smoking, yelling, gesturing, and maniacally laughing to his imaginary friends

2. Confiscating lost animals and almost butchering them to death in an "innocent" effort to give them haircuts on his bathroom floor

3. Going door to door in the neighborhood looking for anybody he could play "let me read your mind" games with

and last but certainly not least

4. Calling me at work multiple times to have conversations about his "new" career in the insurance field.

By the third time he called me I had gotten tired of asking my poor boss to get rid of him for me, crawled out from underneath my desk where I had been sucking my thumb, strapped on a pair of cojones and got on the phone with him so I could work the conversation to my advantage.

In the TWELVE LONGEST MINUTE CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE, I covertly got him to divulge the fact that he sat in jail for a long time because he did "something very bad" to a girl at a party one night. Well, that's enough for me! I'd been pointing out to my *tired of moving all the time* hubby for a few months that it was time for us to move yet again, but that conversation sealed the deal as he finally agreed, it was time to shove!

And thus a brainy collaboration between my sister and I ensued involving having us all live in a large, charming home, in a safe, delightful neighborhood in-between all the cities where we work and/or attend school.

Now, I say "safe" a bit tongue in cheek because we thought it was safe.

Silly us.

As of the past 4 months, it hasn't been. There have been burglaries and country-wide media attention to pepper spraying "events" that have been taking place in our lovely "safe" neighborhood. While pepper spraying activity happened several miles away from our home and only in the heat of Black Friday Stupidity, the burglaries and break ins have not. Not only are these break ins ongoing, they involve no Black Friday Stupidity and are very, very close. The most recent one was 1 street over.

Okay, back to the whole moving thing.
Ironically our lease is up on the house we co-habitat about 4 days before escrow will close on the property we are selling. This means we will need about a 2-3 month buffer of time where we can find a home to purchase and have escrow close on it as quite frankly, we have no interest in making any offers on homes with "contingencies" on them- we know we won't be taken seriously. So! We had hoped we'd just go month to month as most leases do in our state once the original contract is up, but our property management company is "special", so they decided to mail us 4 choices, and all of them shitty for our particular situation.

The first one would be all fine and dandy if we were intending on staying put. Just sign for another year, we won't raise your rent, life goes on.

The second choice was vague- involving a small monthly increase but some other head scratching, cloudy details that we needed further clarification on.

The third choice was pretty simple, just pay us an extra NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH to go month to month, and everything will be fine. Choke.

The fourth choice was also simple, just move out.


We found these choices to be a bit

So after all us housemates passed around the letter and had a small pow-wow of sorts, we decided we needed to have a sit down, in their office type conversation with the property management company. We wanted to let them know what was going on with us timing wise and see if they would negotiate a little better with us and get option 2 a little less "vague" if you will.

The property management company was at first rather unwilling to take the fourteen minutes to sit down with their stellar tenants (which we are by the way, always on time with the rent, never complain etc...) but my sweet husband somehow finally convinced them to let us take up their *oh so valuable* time, and an appointment was set.

That was yesterday. (Saturday.)
And let me just say?
It was kind of uncomfortable.

Okay, more than uncomfortable.

My sister was the only one lucky enough to be working so she couldn't attend, but if she had been there, I'm pretty sure she would have bolted out the front door like a spooked horse four minutes in.

We somehow managed to endure the awkwardness and got some basic clarification on the process. Without indulging any more complicated facts that would make your eyes cross even more than they already are with this post, it basically came down to an offer that some (like us) would still deem unfair but others (like the property management people) thought more than fair.


So! On that note!
I've got a great home for rent in a "nice and safe" neighborhood for a partially obscene amount of money every month where your family can have the privlege of being visited by Eddie Murphy's twin and his brothers from Watts, where they will also tie up your children in the home while they ransack it.

True story.

And no, I am not racist, you can ask all my multi-cultural friends how much I love them (as I do) but seriously, I dare you to watch this video footage from one of the victim's home security systems and tell me that the dude on the front porch DOESN'T look like Eddie Murphy's brother. Or at least his first cousin.

Just for the record: we now have our very own security system so that we can film Eddie's brother and his buddies as they try to break into our house, which is also now armed with a Doberman Pinscher, and a very freaking loud alarm.

(We also may or may not have guns. Just sayin'.)
And also, just so you are prepared, I shall forewarn you that you might also notice the 27 cats we now have as well, as they kind of line themselves up like this when you first walk in:

Oh, and so back to that property management company...
I will be BLOGGING about them, and YELPING about them and doing everything else I can on the internet to let people know what schmukwads they are, but only AFTER we are out of here and have the security deposit money that was the equivalent of buying 2 fucking Cadillacs back in our pockets.

Let me just say though, people are stupid and should never, EVER underestimate the power of a blogger.
Especially one like me who's finally gaining traction.
It is, however, taking EVERY COTTON PICKIN' OUNCE of self control not to name them now.

That being said, let's move on to resumes, shall we?

Seeing as how it's a Monday- I'm going to start bringing back Meanie Mondays.
So in keeping with Meanie Monday tradition, I'm going to tell you about some random bitch that I had the misfortune of calling.

First of all, I probably shouldn't have been calling her in the first place, but choices on the job boards have been slim pickin's as of late (which occasionally happens by the way...) so I decided oh, what the hell.

She had a background in insurance, albeit not a very long or impressive one, but I was trying to see if she'd be worth interviewing for a start up position as a CSR type under one of our existing agents.

When I called her, it immediately rolled to her voice mail which is fine, but I was stunned by the 'tude she was copin' on the phone.

THIS was the message she had for the entire world to be greeted by:

"Hi, you've reached my voice mail. Just so you know, I will NOT CALL ANYBODY BACK THAT DOES NOT LEAVE A MESSAGE!"

You're job searching and THAT is the message you have for potential employers to hear when they call you for a possible interview?

What the HELL is the matter with you, woman?

Did I leave a message for her?
Not at first.
I slammed down the phone because I immediately knew I couldn't have somebody like her representing one of our agents. But I got a little more ballsy a few hours later and dialed her up from my cell phone -yes, from my cell phone, not my office phone- (and I know you are already mocking me in your head for being such a chicken, so to be fair, I did say a "little" ballsy)--- I left her a message.
All I said though was this:

That's right, you read that right, just "Boo!"

Has she called me back?
Why yes.

True to her word, she's called me back 3 separate times- unfortunately she only hangs up though. (I know it's her because I recognize her number on my cell phone.) Perhaps I should have changed MY voice mail to say
"Hi, you've reached my voice mail. Just so you know, I will NOT CALL ANYBODY BACK THAT DOES NOT LEAVE A MESSAGE!"
That would have been FAR more clever on my part. Maybe THEN she'd have gotten the hint.

Probably not, she's clearly too stupid.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some packing to do.

Peace out my peeps!


  1. Rollerblading cave man???

  2. Yep! "Anonymous"...
    PS I totally know who you are... ;0)

  3. Best. Resume. Ever. is more addictive than crack. OMG... I've been @ it for over a day & a half... IDK many ppl job seeking who need some rescue 911 (though my brain is calculating a few who may), but I'm totally bout the spam the shit out of some ppl who I KNOW will appreciate it just to share the laughs. You poor, poor soul....

    It really makes me think too damn much though. As if my uber-analytical brain needs any freaking encouragement. Don't believe me?...:

    It keeps occurring to me, with increasingly alarming magnitude, that SIMULTANEOUSLY... recruiters starve for qualified candidates like that older-sibling-prank "brain thirsty spider"... truly qualified job seekers struggle for viable opportunites... ***AND*** (??!?!?!?!!?!?!!) companies are employing fucktards by the truckloads!!!!!!... Companies don't ship customer service jobs over seas b/c of cheap labor... They do it b/c the MORONS here want more money. If we had some intelligent people from which they could choose, we wouldn't have to press one for English, b/c companies would be willing to pay for someone local with a few living brain cells. But hey, if yur gunna get the same quality, why not hire Akmed for $.17/hr, rite?...


    This sort of trifecta should be capable of swallowing the universe in some Twilight Zone-esque fashion, & likely already has done so with the American economy... But the fact is, this is not terribly uncommon, I mean, people are starving, while others are obese, & while others still get foodstamps & have an IPhone and new rims...

    I gotta take a break from the blog.......... & a Xanex... Pardon me.