Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Oh go ahead...tell me your life story... Part 1

My work email inbox scares me.
It just does, there's no way around it.

Therefore, I click with great trepidation, all day long.

Months ago it used to be that I was only afraid to click on an email in my inbox if there was no attachment with it. As no attachment meant no resume, and no resume usually meant "Fuck off".

But lately, even the emails with the attachments are scaring me.

They're arriving with alarming messages attached to them...messages that aren't just a simple "Yes, I'm interested in XYZ position you have available." Messages that should never, ever go to a recruiter.

Now, I've covered TMI and time stamps (the time your email was sent) before in previous posts I've written... those posts can be read here and here. But I have some ridiculous new stories to share with my faithful readers that again, just leave me scratching my head.

I'm going to break this blog posting into a 2 part/2 day event as I've got 2 great examples, but feel I can only overwhelm you with them one at a time.

First off, let me just tell you, the time stamps on the 2 examples aren't abnormal. The emails were sent between "normal business hours" or I should say, "awake" hours for most folk. That doesn't detract from the loopiness and stupidity factor though, as it's still rampant with these two.

For our first example, and the topic of today's posting, I give you "Kevin".

Now Kevin decided that instead of sending me a regular resume, he'd send me this charming email instead. Keep in mind, I do not have his resume, ergo, I have NO idea what field he's been working in.

Here, in all it's glory, is Kevin's email, with my commentary interjected here and there as you KNOW I can't help myself...I HAVE to make commentary:

"Hello my name is Kevin _________ and I'm looking forward to hearing back from you. i've been working forever, really since I was in juinior high school as i would repair and maintain my friends, teachers and family's as a hobby till it escalated to a passion." 

Hold on there buckaroo. You've been repairing and maintaining your friends, teachers and families as a hobby until it escalated into a passion? What does that even mean? Are you some super duper counselor type? Or did you just forget to mention you've been repairing their TVs. Or computers. Or flat tires on their bicycles?

"After HIGH school I instantly went into the workforce where Iworked a job there packing personnel and slowly moved up to Supervsor in which I was in charge of 140 or more (I dont' remember how many really) people."

Okay, again. WHOA.
You had a job PACKING PERSONNEL? As in, you were packing people up? Into boxes?
Or were you an employee that packed things? Like on a conveyor belt type line up? I'm so confused...

And you were made a SUPERVISOR.

Let's just take a moment to chew on that little diddy.

This concerns me on multiple levels, not only because you don't know how to spell it but because somebody made you, the person that packed people up, in charge of a minimum of 140 people...but possibly less OR possibly more as you can't really remember how many. Did all of those people end up sealed up in boxes and shipped off to some foreign country? And why the heck would you mention a number to me if you don't even know if it's accurate? And then purposefully TELL ME you don't know if it's accurate?
Kevin, you're starting to scare me.

"This job did not challenge me and there's where Iknew Imust do something about my career. During that time i was working I already had vast knowledge. Currently I'm Working and would love to be challenged at this career and hope to expand my horizons."

Okay, that's a lot of general fluff. You say you weren't challenged (oddly enough), that you already had "vast knowledge" (this I'd like to challenge) and you're currently working and want to be challenged and expand your horizons.

And besides the fact that you like to use the word "challenge" too much, I STILL don't know what the heck it is that you do.

"I work hard and prideful at what Ido knowing that one day I'll be able to use these skills to imporv the prople around me and most importantly myself."

You're going to "imporv" the "prople" around you and most importantly, yourself?

"I've been working hard to expand my horizons but the area around me limits me I feel trapped in a cage wanting to expand my horizons but when you're from a farm town your light seems dim. My firends and I came to the conclusion that I need a new environmnet to improve my abilities and goals. For this reason my friends have reached out to help me by offering me a place to stay. My goal is to relocate to this beautiful city full of opportunity and take it by the horns. I'm grateful to my "family" at work for giving me the chance at such a young age to hold this much responsiblity  but it's time for me to move on and get out of this one cow town."

Okay, there's so many things to pick on here, my mind is reeling and my eyes are crossing.

Oh, and also?

There's a lot of Bovine Imagery going on-- farm town...take it by the horns...cow town. 

I feel it might be helpful to yell out a mighty "Yeehaw!" here just for the hell of it.

And did your friends, err, excuse me, "fire-ends" do an intervention on you? I'm pretty sure one went down. 

And where are you? You say your goal is to "relocate to this beautiful city"--- ummm, what? Relocate means you plan on heading somewhere, "this beautiful city" implies you are already here.
Where the hell are you Kevin?

So now I've got some image in my mind of a depressed and confused, large belt buckle-wearing cowboy that packs up people on a conveyor belt for a living... I just really have no where to go with this now. And I CERTAINLY don't know what I'm going to do with poor Bovine Oppressed Kevin in regard to MY company.


"If given the opportunity to work for you I promises to dedicate and apply myself to the fullest extent of my ability to perform the task applied to me and overachieve not only as a worker but as a person."

Yeah yeah yeah. You "promises" to dedicate and apply yourself and overachieve and... yawn again.

Oh Kevin.
I think you need more help than I can offer buddy.
Thanks for sharing your messed up life story with me and best of luck to you...whatever it is that you do and wherever you are.

Stay tuned Friday for "Oh go ahead...tell my your life story... Part 2" !!

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